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Are we being selfish?
11 replies to this topic
Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:25 PM
We live interstate from both lots of grandparents. Our first children were born in the same state as them, our next came 2 weeks early so although my parents were meant to be there they missed the day and came a week later, with the in-laws the week after that. Our final bub, no 4 is to arrive in May (I need caesars).
My husband has planned to take 3 weeks off work, and we decided between us that we would prefer to manage the first weeks on our own, keeping life as normal as possible and enjoy being 'us'. My moter in law has just called all geared up to book flights for the days around the birth, and come back a few weeks later to help (I should mention here that 'help' although well intended = completely taking over to the point I am not allowed to read a story to the other kids, and neither my husband or I get along well with his Dad= me uncomfortable the whole time).
Obviously as I can't drive and will have my hands full, the help is lovely, but we have moved house since bub 3, which now means guests are on the floor in the lounge (where I was planning to breastfeed overnight). I am really feeling frustrated they presume we want them here for the birth and agian later, and that they will be coming to help (we have NEVER asked for any of our children). It could be a little bit my emotions around a history of being told things and not asked, so I am seeking advice as to whether we are being selfish if we totally destroy their excitement by telling them we don't want them here for the birth?? Do we have a right to say that??
My parents totally get's it and Mum has never said anything other than "let me know when you work out where and when you want me... whenever that may be" but does she just say this coz she has listened to me b**ch about the in-laws?
Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:32 PM
I'm with you. Particularly given it is number 4, its not like you don't know what you are doing. I'd just be honest and say that you've got it down pat now, the house is very full, and it would be better for everyone if they planned their visit say X weeks after baby arrives (make it reasonable). Promise to skype them regularly in the meantime so they can see the new bub. Otherwise, if they wont agree, tell them they need to book separate accommodation. There's no reason to have them in your house. good luck! Always a sensitive topic, but life is too short to worry about what other people think (including family), just do what is right for you and your kids.
Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:16 PM
I don't have any family in the same state as me. When my son was born I said visitors were welcome but no houseguests please. My PIL came a few days after we got home and stayed in a hotel nearby. My parents couldn't get organised to stay somewhere so didn't come. My mum finally came several weeks later when I said I was happy for her to stay with us.
This time around my PIL will be here to look after my DS. I'm sure my parents will have their noses out of joint as they won't be able to stay here...
So no, I don't think you're selfish.
Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:27 PM
It is your decision if and when you welcome visitors at this time. I do not think it is being selfish at all - it is your baby and your family and not a time to be worried about anything else.
Let your relatives know when will be a good time to visit.
I liked what a PP wrote: visitors welcome but no houseguests.
Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:53 PM
I totally relate to your story; the only difference is my PIL live 5 km away, so "drop in" frequently- usually with no notice whatsoever, or the courtesy to check ahead to see if it suits us etc. I have had a number of issues with my MIL not respecting boundaries over the past 8 yrs, too many to go into here, but needless to say, I hear what you are saying.
I am due to have DS2 next month and am currently considering asking everyone to not visit me in the hospital in the first 24-36 hrs, and then to limit home visits for the first few weeks. I am currently suffering with antenatal depression, and had severe PND after both of my two kids. I have never been a successful BF'er for more than about 12 weeks, and am fiercely independent, due to life circumstances. Hence I don't take lightly being told how to parent, BF, wrap the baby, cook, clean, decorate my house etc etc etc!!! Due to my current mental health, I think I owe it to myself to make the transition back into having a newborn as stress free as possible. BUT. I am conscious of appearing selfish etc.
Sometimes I think our own health and well being, let alone our own wishes have to come first.
So, no, I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think perhaps it should come from DH, and in reality, your reasons don't even really need to be explained in too much detail.
Good luck, with whatever you decide
Posted 22 February 2013 - 09:23 PM
OP I think you are well within your rights to just say no. My MIL came and stayed to "help" when dd was born, and yes she did cook which was wonderful! but I struggled so much with breastfeeding, and I am a very "private" person, so I constantly felt like I had to go off to my bedroom to feed dd and to cover up. I really wasnt ready to get my bbs out in front of my MIL just yet!
She also would invite a different friend of hers over (that I had never met before) to meet her new grandchild. Apart from when I was breastfeeding, I barely got to hold dd for the first 3 weeks of her life.
So this time around I will be putting my foot down. I don't want to miss out this time, and I think you would be perfectly justified in doing the same! It doesn't sound like she will even be of any "help" anyway. My mum sounds like your mum, just willing to help when its actually needed!
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