Jump to content

Are we being selfish?


11 replies to this topic

#1 KJ104

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:25 PM

We live interstate from both lots of grandparents. Our first children were born in the same state as them, our next came 2 weeks early so although my parents were meant to be there they missed the day and came a week later, with the in-laws the week after that. Our final bub, no 4 is to arrive in May (I need caesars).
My husband has planned to take 3 weeks off work, and we decided between us that we would prefer to manage the first weeks on our own, keeping life as normal as possible and enjoy being 'us'. My moter in law has just called all geared up to book flights for the days around the birth, and come back a few weeks later to help (I should mention here that 'help' although well intended = completely taking over to the point I am not allowed to read a story to the other kids, and neither my husband or I get along well with his Dad= me uncomfortable the whole time).
Obviously as I can't drive and will have my hands full, the help is lovely, but we have moved house since bub 3, which now means guests are on the floor in the lounge (where I was planning to breastfeed overnight). I am really feeling frustrated they presume we want them here for the birth and agian later, and that they will be coming to help (we have NEVER asked for any of our children). It could be a little bit my emotions around a history of being told things and not asked, so I am seeking advice as to whether we are being selfish if we totally destroy their excitement by telling them we don't want them here for the birth?? Do we have a right to say that??
My parents totally get's it and Mum has never said anything other than "let me know when you work out where and when you want me... whenever that may be" but does she just say this coz she has listened to me b**ch about the in-laws?
Advice?? Please!!

#2 PurpleNess

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:32 PM

Ummm say no, better yet get DH to say no thanks, we appreciate the offer but would pref to just get on with it & love you to visit when bub is a bit older.


#3 albo

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:32 PM

I'm with you. Particularly given it is number 4, its not like you don't know what you are doing. I'd just be honest and say that you've got it down pat now, the house is very full, and it would be better for everyone if they planned their visit say X weeks after baby arrives (make it reasonable). Promise to skype them regularly in the meantime so they can see the new bub. Otherwise, if they wont agree, tell them they need to book separate accommodation. There's no reason to have them in your house. good luck! Always a sensitive topic, but life is too short to worry about what other people think (including family), just do what is right for you and your kids.

#4 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:55 PM

Yep, say no.

It's the only way. They'll get over it!

#5 EmAyEm

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:00 PM

I think it would be selfish to say no they can't visit at all.

But i would definately be stating that if they wanted to visit that they would need to find somewhere else to stay.

#6 Monkey_Mind

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:02 PM

You're not being selfish at all and have every right to say no to ANY visitors. Do what's best for you and your family and best of luck for the upcoming birth original.gif

#7 ~kuddlebug~

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:16 PM

I don't have any family in the same state as me. When my son was born I said visitors were welcome but no houseguests please. My PIL came a few days after we got home and stayed in a hotel nearby. My parents couldn't get organised to stay somewhere so didn't come. My mum finally came several weeks later when I said I was happy for her to stay with us.

This time around my PIL will be here to look after my DS. I'm sure my parents will have their noses out of joint as they won't be able to stay here...

So no, I don't think you're selfish.

#8 steppy

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:21 PM

I agree with PP who said let them come but at the time of your choosing.

#9 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:43 PM

Doing something that is in the best interest of six people isn't wrong or bad.  

People who try and tell you different because THEY want to be there are the 'selfish' ones.

#10 honeylulu

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:27 PM

It is your decision if and when you welcome visitors at this time. I do not think it is being selfish at all - it is your baby and your family and not a time to be worried about anything else.
Let your relatives know when will be a good time to visit.
I liked what a PP wrote: visitors welcome but no houseguests.

#11 Misty Walker

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:53 PM

Hi OP,
I totally relate to your story; the only difference is my PIL live 5 km away, so "drop in" frequently- usually with no notice whatsoever, or the courtesy to check ahead to see if it suits us etc. I have had a number of issues with my MIL not respecting boundaries over the past 8 yrs, too many to go into here, but needless to say, I hear what you are saying.
I am due to have DS2 next month and am currently considering asking everyone to not visit me in the hospital in the first 24-36 hrs, and then to limit home visits for the first few weeks. I am currently suffering with antenatal depression, and had severe PND after both of my two kids. I have never been a successful BF'er for more than about 12 weeks, and am fiercely independent, due to life circumstances. Hence I don't take lightly being told how to parent, BF, wrap the baby, cook, clean, decorate my house etc etc etc!!! Due to my current mental health, I think I owe it to myself to make the transition back into having a newborn as stress free as possible. BUT. I am conscious of appearing selfish etc.
Sometimes I think our own health and well being, let alone our own wishes have to come first.
So, no, I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think perhaps it should come from DH, and in reality, your reasons don't even really need to be explained in too much detail.
Good luck, with whatever you decide  wink.gif

#12 Guest_Lilybird_*

Posted 22 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

OP I think you are well within your rights to just say no. My MIL came and stayed to "help" when dd was born, and yes she did cook which was wonderful! but I struggled so much with breastfeeding, and I am a very "private" person, so I constantly felt like I had to go off to my bedroom to feed dd and to cover up. I really wasnt ready to get my bbs out in front of my MIL just yet!

She also would invite a different friend of hers over (that I had never met before) to meet her new grandchild. Apart from when I was breastfeeding, I barely got to hold dd for the first 3 weeks of her life.

So this time around I will be putting my foot down. I don't want to miss out this time, and I think you would be perfectly justified in doing the same! It doesn't sound like she will even be of any "help" anyway. My mum sounds like your mum, just willing to help when its actually needed!



Reply to this topic



  


1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Five-year-old shoots nine-month-old brother dead

A nine-month-old baby boy died on Monday after he was shot in the head by his five-year-old brother in their grandfather's home.

'Is that baby yours?'

She is my daughter. I gave birth to her. I nurse her. But she doesn't have any of my genes.

Episiotomy in childbirth: not just 'a little snip'

Episiotomies have a place in maternity care – and can occasionally save lives – but should not be performed routinely.

Toddler aggression not caused by language delays after all: study

The logic was that children who don’t have the language to fully express themselves will lash out when they’re misunderstood. Not anymore.

Why we chose to adopt a child with Down sydrome

Everyone in foster care (and really in life) has something that makes them more vulnerable. We just know what our son's is.

Object of desire

Curvy mums make clever babies

Scientists appear to have discovered why women have evolved to have more curves than men – shapely thighs and bottoms lead to healthier babies.

'We'll make sure they know how much she loved them'

A first-time mum will never get to hold her four newborns, dying shortly after giving birth to the quadruplets.

The baby names NZ knocked back in 2014

A New Zealander has tried to name their baby Senior Constable but didn't get away with it - and numbering children is also a no-no.

How can you go into labour without knowing you're pregnant?

For most of us, the idea that a woman could carry a child to full-term without knowing she is pregnant is mind-boggling.

Will you get to the hospital in time?

Worrying your baby will be delivered by the roadside is a common concern for many mothers-to-be. So how likely are you to be caught short?

Video: Funny 'Lips Are Moving' parody just for mums

Meghan Trainor's song 'Lips Are Moving' was already a hit, but now it's been turned into a hilarious parody that is set to be very popular with frustrated mums everywhere.

Out with the clutter

Decluttering by the numbers: take the 30-day challenge

Forget the 5:2 diet - Twitter's 30-day declutter challenge will have your house back in shape in no time (well, a month).

Parents, don't be too hard on yourselves

We need to stop damning parents of today, and embrace their appetite for knowledge instead.

Is my baby normal?

There are chubby Buddha babies and there are thin, smaller babies. Neither are right or wrong, they are all 'normal'.

When an older sibling starts school

When one child goes to ‘big school’ and leaves the other behind, it can cause deep upset. Here's how to make the transition easier.

Stray cat saves abandoned baby

They say dogs are man's best friend, but one cat has proven felines can be just as devoted to their human companions.

How strangers are helping a mum's wish come true after her death

A mum of five, Liz Marquez wanted to breastfeed her premmie son for a year. So when she passed away suddenly, her friends - and strangers - stepped in to help.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

Win with The Boxtrolls

To celebrate the release of The Boxtrolls on 3D Blu-ray, DVD & Digital with UltraViolet, we're giving you the chance to win a Boxtroll stationary package and DVD.

 

School Term 1

Get after-school care sorted

Wait lists too long at OSHC? Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.