Jump to content

Are we being selfish?


11 replies to this topic

#1 KJ104

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:25 PM

We live interstate from both lots of grandparents. Our first children were born in the same state as them, our next came 2 weeks early so although my parents were meant to be there they missed the day and came a week later, with the in-laws the week after that. Our final bub, no 4 is to arrive in May (I need caesars).
My husband has planned to take 3 weeks off work, and we decided between us that we would prefer to manage the first weeks on our own, keeping life as normal as possible and enjoy being 'us'. My moter in law has just called all geared up to book flights for the days around the birth, and come back a few weeks later to help (I should mention here that 'help' although well intended = completely taking over to the point I am not allowed to read a story to the other kids, and neither my husband or I get along well with his Dad= me uncomfortable the whole time).
Obviously as I can't drive and will have my hands full, the help is lovely, but we have moved house since bub 3, which now means guests are on the floor in the lounge (where I was planning to breastfeed overnight). I am really feeling frustrated they presume we want them here for the birth and agian later, and that they will be coming to help (we have NEVER asked for any of our children). It could be a little bit my emotions around a history of being told things and not asked, so I am seeking advice as to whether we are being selfish if we totally destroy their excitement by telling them we don't want them here for the birth?? Do we have a right to say that??
My parents totally get's it and Mum has never said anything other than "let me know when you work out where and when you want me... whenever that may be" but does she just say this coz she has listened to me b**ch about the in-laws?
Advice?? Please!!

#2 PurpleNess

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:32 PM

Ummm say no, better yet get DH to say no thanks, we appreciate the offer but would pref to just get on with it & love you to visit when bub is a bit older.


#3 albo

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:32 PM

I'm with you. Particularly given it is number 4, its not like you don't know what you are doing. I'd just be honest and say that you've got it down pat now, the house is very full, and it would be better for everyone if they planned their visit say X weeks after baby arrives (make it reasonable). Promise to skype them regularly in the meantime so they can see the new bub. Otherwise, if they wont agree, tell them they need to book separate accommodation. There's no reason to have them in your house. good luck! Always a sensitive topic, but life is too short to worry about what other people think (including family), just do what is right for you and your kids.

#4 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:55 PM

Yep, say no.

It's the only way. They'll get over it!

#5 EmAyEm

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:00 PM

I think it would be selfish to say no they can't visit at all.

But i would definately be stating that if they wanted to visit that they would need to find somewhere else to stay.

#6 Monkey_Mind

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:02 PM

You're not being selfish at all and have every right to say no to ANY visitors. Do what's best for you and your family and best of luck for the upcoming birth original.gif

#7 ~kuddlebug~

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:16 PM

I don't have any family in the same state as me. When my son was born I said visitors were welcome but no houseguests please. My PIL came a few days after we got home and stayed in a hotel nearby. My parents couldn't get organised to stay somewhere so didn't come. My mum finally came several weeks later when I said I was happy for her to stay with us.

This time around my PIL will be here to look after my DS. I'm sure my parents will have their noses out of joint as they won't be able to stay here...

So no, I don't think you're selfish.

#8 steppy

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:21 PM

I agree with PP who said let them come but at the time of your choosing.

#9 HRH Countrymel

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:43 PM

Doing something that is in the best interest of six people isn't wrong or bad.  

People who try and tell you different because THEY want to be there are the 'selfish' ones.

#10 honeylulu

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:27 PM

It is your decision if and when you welcome visitors at this time. I do not think it is being selfish at all - it is your baby and your family and not a time to be worried about anything else.
Let your relatives know when will be a good time to visit.
I liked what a PP wrote: visitors welcome but no houseguests.

#11 Mrs Daryl Dixon

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:53 PM

Hi OP,
I totally relate to your story; the only difference is my PIL live 5 km away, so "drop in" frequently- usually with no notice whatsoever, or the courtesy to check ahead to see if it suits us etc. I have had a number of issues with my MIL not respecting boundaries over the past 8 yrs, too many to go into here, but needless to say, I hear what you are saying.
I am due to have DS2 next month and am currently considering asking everyone to not visit me in the hospital in the first 24-36 hrs, and then to limit home visits for the first few weeks. I am currently suffering with antenatal depression, and had severe PND after both of my two kids. I have never been a successful BF'er for more than about 12 weeks, and am fiercely independent, due to life circumstances. Hence I don't take lightly being told how to parent, BF, wrap the baby, cook, clean, decorate my house etc etc etc!!! Due to my current mental health, I think I owe it to myself to make the transition back into having a newborn as stress free as possible. BUT. I am conscious of appearing selfish etc.
Sometimes I think our own health and well being, let alone our own wishes have to come first.
So, no, I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think perhaps it should come from DH, and in reality, your reasons don't even really need to be explained in too much detail.
Good luck, with whatever you decide  wink.gif

#12 Guest_Lilybird_*

Posted 22 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

OP I think you are well within your rights to just say no. My MIL came and stayed to "help" when dd was born, and yes she did cook which was wonderful! but I struggled so much with breastfeeding, and I am a very "private" person, so I constantly felt like I had to go off to my bedroom to feed dd and to cover up. I really wasnt ready to get my bbs out in front of my MIL just yet!

She also would invite a different friend of hers over (that I had never met before) to meet her new grandchild. Apart from when I was breastfeeding, I barely got to hold dd for the first 3 weeks of her life.

So this time around I will be putting my foot down. I don't want to miss out this time, and I think you would be perfectly justified in doing the same! It doesn't sound like she will even be of any "help" anyway. My mum sounds like your mum, just willing to help when its actually needed!



Reply to this topic



  


1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

What you need to know about ovulation tests

Most people who are trying to get pregnant know that the best time to conceive is in the few days after ovulation.

Surviving a miscarriage at sea

A cruise with your family is among the most absurd settings for a miscarriage, but it is certainly not the worst.

Mum of three denied tubal ligation because she's 'too young'

A 22-year-old woman who is pregnant with her third child has had her requests for a tubal ligation denied because doctors believe she is too young.

Slapped cheek syndrome a danger for pregnant women

When a pregnant woman is infected, the likelihood that her foetus will be infected is about 50 per cent.

The signs and symptoms of ovulation

If you're hoping to conceive, one of the most important things you need to know about is ovulation.

We all know 'mum guilt' - but what about 'dad guilt'?

I remember the first time I felt mum guilt, within days of having my first child. The feeling was so intense I rang my own mum to debrief, hoping she'd tell me I wouldn't feel this way very often.

Kristen Bell urges mums to be their own superhero

When it comes to motherhood, actress Kristen Bell is her own superhero and she thinks other mums should be too.

Pram review: GB Pockit travel stroller

In a world of ever-shrinking gadgets, it's no surprise prams are getting smaller. We put the record-holding GB Pockit through its paces.

The beautiful Bombol Bouncer is back

The gorgeous Bombol Bouncer is back - and boasts two chic new colours to boot.

Gadgets and accessories for wine lovers

Looking for a gift for the wine lover in your life - or just something for yourself?

Free ticket offer

Pinky Mckay joins us again at the Essential Baby & Toddler Show presented by Blackmores with her expert baby settling advice. Register now for your free ticket.

The adventure doesn't have to stop: here's how to travel with baby

The best part about our outdoor adventures? It makes my husband and I better parents, since we're happier while adventuring.

Woman crashes car to save mum and baby's life

A good samaritan saved a mother and baby from being seriously injured by crashing her own car into theirs.

Should you tell your boss about your postnatal depression?

Returning to work after having a baby can be daunting, and when you're experiencing postnatal depression or anxiety it can seem even more overwhelming.

TV noise can slow toddler word learning, study finds

Background noise from the radio or TV might be making it harder for your toddler to learn learn new words.

Teresa Palmer on her molar pregnancy and 'unsexy' conception

Teresa Palmer is basking in pregnancy glow as she awaits the arrival of her new baby.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Why drinking water can be deadly for babies

H2O is one of the necessities of life, but for babies a seemingly harmless amount of water can be fatal.

5 ways having a baby is different when you have older children

So much parenting advice is geared towards having your first baby, but what's it like having a baby when you already have children?

You can now make your own plush Falkor

Fans of The NeverEnding Story – of which there are certainly plenty – went crazy for these plush Falkors when they first went on sale last year.

Baby steps

10 things that will actually happen after having a baby

I thought I had prepared myself for motherhood. Then my baby girl arrived and knocked everything flat.

Having a baby: expectations vs reality

People love to warn you about what to expect when having a baby, but they can be way off when it comes to the reality.

Are we having fun yet? Thinking positively as a parent

Motherhood is wonderful ... except when it sucks.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

When breastfeeding doesn't go with the flow

Breast is best, except when it's not. And in our case, it most definitely wasn't.

'If you don't vaccinate your kids you're a bloody idiot'

The photos are heartbreaking and almost too difficult to look at, but Kayley Burke is begging other parents to take notice.

Why pregnant women should eat chocolate

In news that will make expectant mums jump for joy - and reach for a block of Cadbury - scientists have revealed chocolate could provide health benefits during pregnancy.

The baby born with an incredible head of hair

If you're in any way challenged in the follicle department, prepare to feel a jolt of envy - at a two-month-old baby.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Parents, this is how to cut grapes to avoid choking

One mum has learnt a harrowing lesson about the best way to cut grapes to make it safe for toddlers and little kids to eat.

Three truths about C-section mums

Lately I've been thinking about the caesarean stories and the brave women who birth their children with strength and beauty.

Help! My baby will only sleep in my arms

It's stressful to be the one who is holding your baby most of the day, but it's even more stressful to wonder, 'am I doing something wrong? Or am I creating bad habits?'

 

ENTER NOW

Essential Baby & Toddler Show - Sydney

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show, presented by Blackmores, will be held in Sydney on 23-25 September. Register for your free ticket now to save $20!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.