Jump to content

Are we being selfish?


11 replies to this topic

#1 KJ104

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:25 PM

We live interstate from both lots of grandparents. Our first children were born in the same state as them, our next came 2 weeks early so although my parents were meant to be there they missed the day and came a week later, with the in-laws the week after that. Our final bub, no 4 is to arrive in May (I need caesars).
My husband has planned to take 3 weeks off work, and we decided between us that we would prefer to manage the first weeks on our own, keeping life as normal as possible and enjoy being 'us'. My moter in law has just called all geared up to book flights for the days around the birth, and come back a few weeks later to help (I should mention here that 'help' although well intended = completely taking over to the point I am not allowed to read a story to the other kids, and neither my husband or I get along well with his Dad= me uncomfortable the whole time).
Obviously as I can't drive and will have my hands full, the help is lovely, but we have moved house since bub 3, which now means guests are on the floor in the lounge (where I was planning to breastfeed overnight). I am really feeling frustrated they presume we want them here for the birth and agian later, and that they will be coming to help (we have NEVER asked for any of our children). It could be a little bit my emotions around a history of being told things and not asked, so I am seeking advice as to whether we are being selfish if we totally destroy their excitement by telling them we don't want them here for the birth?? Do we have a right to say that??
My parents totally get's it and Mum has never said anything other than "let me know when you work out where and when you want me... whenever that may be" but does she just say this coz she has listened to me b**ch about the in-laws?
Advice?? Please!!

#2 PurpleNess

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:32 PM

Ummm say no, better yet get DH to say no thanks, we appreciate the offer but would pref to just get on with it & love you to visit when bub is a bit older.


#3 albo

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:32 PM

I'm with you. Particularly given it is number 4, its not like you don't know what you are doing. I'd just be honest and say that you've got it down pat now, the house is very full, and it would be better for everyone if they planned their visit say X weeks after baby arrives (make it reasonable). Promise to skype them regularly in the meantime so they can see the new bub. Otherwise, if they wont agree, tell them they need to book separate accommodation. There's no reason to have them in your house. good luck! Always a sensitive topic, but life is too short to worry about what other people think (including family), just do what is right for you and your kids.

#4 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 22 February 2013 - 12:55 PM

Yep, say no.

It's the only way. They'll get over it!

#5 EmAyEm

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:00 PM

I think it would be selfish to say no they can't visit at all.

But i would definately be stating that if they wanted to visit that they would need to find somewhere else to stay.

#6 Monkey_Mind

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:02 PM

You're not being selfish at all and have every right to say no to ANY visitors. Do what's best for you and your family and best of luck for the upcoming birth original.gif

#7 ~kuddlebug~

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:16 PM

I don't have any family in the same state as me. When my son was born I said visitors were welcome but no houseguests please. My PIL came a few days after we got home and stayed in a hotel nearby. My parents couldn't get organised to stay somewhere so didn't come. My mum finally came several weeks later when I said I was happy for her to stay with us.

This time around my PIL will be here to look after my DS. I'm sure my parents will have their noses out of joint as they won't be able to stay here...

So no, I don't think you're selfish.

#8 steppy

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:21 PM

I agree with PP who said let them come but at the time of your choosing.

#9 HRH Countrymel

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:43 PM

Doing something that is in the best interest of six people isn't wrong or bad.  

People who try and tell you different because THEY want to be there are the 'selfish' ones.

#10 honeylulu

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:27 PM

It is your decision if and when you welcome visitors at this time. I do not think it is being selfish at all - it is your baby and your family and not a time to be worried about anything else.
Let your relatives know when will be a good time to visit.
I liked what a PP wrote: visitors welcome but no houseguests.

#11 Misty Walker

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:53 PM

Hi OP,
I totally relate to your story; the only difference is my PIL live 5 km away, so "drop in" frequently- usually with no notice whatsoever, or the courtesy to check ahead to see if it suits us etc. I have had a number of issues with my MIL not respecting boundaries over the past 8 yrs, too many to go into here, but needless to say, I hear what you are saying.
I am due to have DS2 next month and am currently considering asking everyone to not visit me in the hospital in the first 24-36 hrs, and then to limit home visits for the first few weeks. I am currently suffering with antenatal depression, and had severe PND after both of my two kids. I have never been a successful BF'er for more than about 12 weeks, and am fiercely independent, due to life circumstances. Hence I don't take lightly being told how to parent, BF, wrap the baby, cook, clean, decorate my house etc etc etc!!! Due to my current mental health, I think I owe it to myself to make the transition back into having a newborn as stress free as possible. BUT. I am conscious of appearing selfish etc.
Sometimes I think our own health and well being, let alone our own wishes have to come first.
So, no, I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think perhaps it should come from DH, and in reality, your reasons don't even really need to be explained in too much detail.
Good luck, with whatever you decide  wink.gif

#12 Guest_Lilybird_*

Posted 22 February 2013 - 09:23 PM

OP I think you are well within your rights to just say no. My MIL came and stayed to "help" when dd was born, and yes she did cook which was wonderful! but I struggled so much with breastfeeding, and I am a very "private" person, so I constantly felt like I had to go off to my bedroom to feed dd and to cover up. I really wasnt ready to get my bbs out in front of my MIL just yet!

She also would invite a different friend of hers over (that I had never met before) to meet her new grandchild. Apart from when I was breastfeeding, I barely got to hold dd for the first 3 weeks of her life.

So this time around I will be putting my foot down. I don't want to miss out this time, and I think you would be perfectly justified in doing the same! It doesn't sound like she will even be of any "help" anyway. My mum sounds like your mum, just willing to help when its actually needed!



Reply to this topic



  


1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tot meets his heroes, falls apart with excitement

Two-year-old Quincy finished his potty training last week, and as part of his reward he was able to meet his idols.

Beautiful in our eyes: Georgia's story

I will never deny the fact that grief has a place when you give birth to a child who brings a set of circumstances very different to what you imagined. Because for nine months, I thought I knew my Georgie.

'It's been phenomenal': widower dad of quads thankful for support

There was nothing Erica and Carlos wanted more than a baby.

Vin Diesel names daughter after actor Paul Walker

The actor said there was "no other person" he was thinking about when he chose the name.

How midwives can help women who experience domestic violence

More than half of women who live with abusive partners experience violence during pregnancy.

Mum describes giving birth during Cyclone Pam

A new mother was told she must flee Port Vila hospital with her baby as Cyclone Pam bore down.

6 signs you're done having babies

There were a few signs I'm never going back to the land of maternity jeans, breast pumps and bassinets.

Marta Dusseldorp reveals breastfeeding cost her an acting job

Australian actress Marta Dusseldorp has revealed she was forced to withdraw from a Sydney Theatre Company production because a director did not approve of her breast feeding.

Female celebs (or their babies) with traditionally male names

Looking for a name that's a little bit different for a girl? Turn to names that have been traditionally used for males, as these celebs (or their parents) did.

'If you're anti-immunisation ... take a look at this picture of my son'

Greg Hughes is "an absolute shell of a man" as he and his wife Catherine struggle to come to terms with the loss of their newborn son Riley to whooping cough.

How an extrovert can raise an introvert

Introverts are often misunderstood as shy, and sometimes even rude. A timid child can be difficult to build rapport with, but it's important we nurture their sensitive natures.

Sheryl Sandberg's advice

'Choreplay': Help out at home to get more sex, Sandberg tells men

Forget foreplay. The new and improved route to intercourse is "choreplay" - it's good for your spouse, good for your house, and comes with the imprimatur of feminist du jour Sheryl Sandberg.

How to play with your baby

The first time your child learns a new skill at playtime is very exciting - for both you and your baby! Play is important to your child's development for a variety of reasons - here are some simple ideas for you to try at home.

I'm a single mother by choice

For me, being the best mother I can be means being a mum alone, at least for now. Thinking of my friends with inadequate partners, I wonder why more people don’t choose single motherhood.

Awkward wedding photos

Weird poses, surprise photobombs, bizarre editing: these are the wedding photos that should have never seen the light of day.

Four-week-old baby Riley Hughes dies of whooping cough

The mother of a four-week-old Perth baby who died after contracting whooping cough says her family has been left devastated by the loss of her "gorgeous, sweet" son.

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Oh boy! Video shows family's reaction to baby surprise

Little Peyton Williams thought she was getting a baby sister named Charlee. But the two-year-old has had to settle for a doll dressed in pink after her baby "sister" turned out to be a boy.

How to help build up your baby's immune system

We all know that having a strong immune system is the best way to stay healthy – but what can we do to help it along?

'Nick, you need to call an ambulance': home birth mum's tragic death

A Melbourne mum who died after the home birth of her baby pleaded with her husband to call an ambulance because she felt she was going to die, the Victorian Coroners Court has heard.

When dads believe their baby doesn't 'like' them

Q: My two-month-old baby doesn't like me. He's perfectly content with my wife, but when I try to hold him, he gets upset and cries. I've backed off a little, thinking that he just needs a little time to get used to me, but that doesn't seem to be working. I'm starting to think I'm just not a very good dad. Is it too late for me to build a relationship with my baby?

When was the last time a stranger praised your parenting?

Wouldn’t it be great to get some nice feedback every now and then? After all, everyone likes to hear positive praise, particularly when it comes to parenting.

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

15 names on the verge of extinction

If you're looking to revive an older name, or don’t want anything near the top 1000 list, check out these rare monikers for your unique baby.

5 characteristics of great dads

It’s great to see a generation of dads who are more actively involved with caring, nurturing and loving their kids.

Why doesn't Australia have more breast milk banks?

When there’s no question that milk banks are important, why don’t we have more of them in Australia?

Carrie Bickmore announces birth of daughter

Television personality Carrie Bickmore has given birth to her second child.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

The place just for dads of multiples

When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.

Brave mum calls for domestic violence law reform

A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.

Why I had the new test for Down syndrome

Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

2015: the year of the sheep

According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.

Breakthrough genetic testing now available in Australia

Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

Family kicked off flight after toddler seatbelt drama

An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.

Stolen baby found after 17 years

A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.