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50th Birthday or 50th wedding anniversary
Spin off but genuine question


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#1 TopsyTurvy

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:07 AM

Seeing the 1st Birthday vs 40th Birthday thread I thought I would ask WWYD?

Dad's long term partner is turning 50, the same week DH's mum and Dad celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

Both have opted for the same Saturday to celebrate.

Obviously I can't go to both (1.5 hours drive apart)
DH has chosen to bury his head in the sand and not think about it, but the only solution I can see is DH goes to his parents party, and I go to Dad's partners party.

I am going to be terribly disappointed not to go to DH's parents, but I did warn them that the 50th Birthday party was scheduled early on that date, but DH's mum claims she forgot (which is entirely possible as she is a little on the air headed side Tounge1.gif ) and just planned it for that night because its the actual night of their anniversary.

Any other solutions anyone can think of?




#2 DEVOCEAN

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:08 AM

I would prefer to go to the 50th wedding anniversary. It is something that is not achieved very often.

#3 kpingitquiet

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:13 AM

I would send a lovely gift to dad's partner and arrange to take them to lunch sometime soon, then I would go to the anniversary. 50 years married, to me, is a heck of a lot bigger accomplishment than 50 years breathing biggrin.gif

#4 JRA

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:14 AM

One question is how long a long term partner? Was she there when your husband was growing up. Or is it only since he has grown up?

If you don't have your DH going to his step mum, and you to your parents, I would definitely do the 50 wedding anniversary.



#5 kpingitquiet

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:19 AM

JRA: I read it the other way around. Anniversary is her husband's parents. Birthday is her (essentially) step-parent.

#6 Julie3Girls

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:20 AM

It would depend on the type of celebration.

Lots of different scenarios, and a lot depends on your relationship with them all, and the type of party, how hurt would they be if you didn't come, how laid back are they for doing something on a different day. I admit, I would be leaning to the anniversary

If the 50th birthday is a party with lots of her friends, and the wedding anniversary is a lot of family, I'd go to the anniversary, and then visit your family the next afternoon for a small family birthday celebration.  Or even turn up in

Is the birthday party on the actual day?  If not, I'd try and visit the birthday girl on her actual birthday and go to the anniversary party.

Maybe visit the birthday girl in the morning/have lunch, help set up, then great big hug, " wish we could stay for the party have a great time" and head to the other one.

Otherwise, you really are down to one at each party.  What lousy timing!!

Edited by Julie3Girls, 22 February 2013 - 07:22 AM.


#7 baddmammajamma

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:22 AM

Zero contest with this one as well.

As my countrywoman so eloquently put it, "50 years married, to me, is a heck of a lot bigger accomplishment than 50 years breathing."

Besides, with so many people making a big hoopla out of 40th birthdays and 60th birthdays, there will likely be another opportunity to party hard with your dad's partner. I would do something very lovely with her around the date of her big birthday but plan on being at my inlaws' anniversary celebration (unless, of course, you are estranged from your inlaws!)

Sorry about the timing!

Edited by baddmammajamma, 22 February 2013 - 07:23 AM.


#8 countrymel

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:24 AM

I'd go to the anniversary.

Your Dad's partner will have all her friends around her to celebrate, and you can have a catch up later or earlier in the week to let her know she is special.

A 50th Wedding Anniversary is a big deal, and I would imagine your PILs will be wanting to have all their family around - it is the celebration of the start of that family after all!  

You don't want to be the missing head in the family photos!

As keepingitquiet said:
QUOTE
50 years married, to me, is a heck of a lot bigger accomplishment than 50 years breathing


#9 TopsyTurvy

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:29 AM

I know it totally sucks with the timing!

Dad and his girlfriend have been together for about 17 years now.

She has been planning her birthday for months and we have family flying from interstate to attend.  Hers is being paid for and catered at a local restaurant and I had actually RSVP'd we were going when DH's mum sprung the anniversary party on us.
They are having a much lower key affair with a few close friends and immediate family at the clubhouse of the retirement village they live in.  

Arggghh its such a frustrating dilemma, I do absolutely acknowledge that the 50th anniversary trumps a birthday, but I know Dad's girlfriend will be upset if at least I don't go as we are pretty close.



#10 DEVOCEAN

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:30 AM

QUOTE (Ferdinand @ 22/02/2013, 08:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would do the one of you go to each event thing.

Someone elses wedding anniversary means nothing to me though so I'd see it as getting out of a boring, nothing event. Birthdays should always be celebrated, you never know when it will be your last.

So her DH's parents and the day they got married and started their family, means nothing.


#11 baddmammajamma

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:35 AM

QUOTE (TopsyTurvy @ 22/02/2013, 08:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She has been planning her birthday for months and we have family flying from interstate to attend.  Hers is being paid for and catered at a local restaurant and I had actually RSVP'd we were going when DH's mum sprung the anniversary party on us.
They are having a much lower key affair with a few close friends and immediate family at the clubhouse of the retirement village they live in.  

Arggghh its such a frustrating dilemma, I do absolutely acknowledge that the 50th anniversary trumps a birthday, but I know Dad's girlfriend will be upset if at least I don't go as we are pretty close.


All the more reason to go to the anniversary. If it's an intimate event, your absence will be felt even more.

Sounds like your father's partner is planning a big, bold 50th bash -- and I appreciate that you want to be there, but it just doesn't compare to a 50th wedding anniversary IMHO.

Your inlaws are, what, in their 70s? 80s? In a day and age when so many relationships don't make it, there's something really beautiful about an enduring love story of a half century.



#12 NotBitzerMaloney

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:35 AM

Normally I would also say that a family 50thanniversary might trump a birthday (although I'm not big on anniversary celebrations, 50 years is a big deal)

However, as I would say to my son, if you RSVP'd to the birthday, you go to the birthday.

If necessary your DH could go to his parents.

#13 DEVOCEAN

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:35 AM

Glad you aren't my DIL. It's nice to know you think about your IL's as being unimportant.

#14 RebelWithoutAClaws

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:36 AM

Given your update, I'm going against the grain...

To me, you've answered the question, you've RSVP'd yes to the bday party. It would be incredibly rude to turn around and say you've had a better offer. I'd be really annoyed at someone that did that to me or someone I cared about. Your ILs should understand and if having you there was that important then MIL should have made sure it wasn't the same date as the party that you already told her about.

Given the anniversary party is smaller and just family I would "I'm really sorry but we already RSVP'd to the birthday party I told you about. We would have loved to have come, is there any way that you can move it so it doesn't clash??"

#15 ~Supernova~

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:36 AM

Considering you have already RSVP'd, and are close to your father's partner, I would go the route of you each attending separately. Not ideal, but keeps most people happy.

#16 baddmammajamma

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:39 AM

QUOTE (PussyDids @ 22/02/2013, 08:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Given the anniversary party is smaller and just family I would "I'm really sorry but we already RSVP'd to the birthday party I told you about. We would have loved to have come, is there any way that you can move it so it doesn't clash??"


Actually, that is a good point raised by PussyDids. If it is going to be an intimate affair, and not a lot of planning has been done at this stage, could your husband offer to help them organize it for the following weekend? Or weekend before?

#17 TopsyTurvy

Posted 22 February 2013 - 07:43 AM

QUOTE (TopsyTurvy @ 22/02/2013, 08:07 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I am going to be terribly disappointed not to go to DH's parents



QUOTE (fairyflossfart @ 22/02/2013, 08:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Glad you aren't my DIL. It's nice to know you think about your IL's as being unimportant.


Geez where do you get off?

I said I would be disappointed not to go to the PIL!!

I'm glad I  not you DIL either!

#18 Bel Rowley

Posted 22 February 2013 - 08:42 AM

Tough! My first instinct was to say the anniversary trumps the birthday, no contest, but given you have already RSVP'd yes to the birthday and it was arranged in advance, then I would be more inclined to attend it.

#19 *LucyE*

Posted 22 February 2013 - 08:51 AM

QUOTE
QUOTE
Given the anniversary party is smaller and just family I would "I'm really sorry but we already RSVP'd to the birthday party I told you about. We would have loved to have come, is there any way that you can move it so it doesn't clash??"

Actually, that is a good point raised by PussyDids. If it is going to be an intimate affair, and not a lot of planning has been done at this stage, could your husband offer to help them organize it for the following weekend? Or weekend before?

This.  

If you hadn't rsvp-ed, I would go to the anniversary, but since you have, go to the birthday.  If your IL's can't/won't change their date, then your DH can attend that.  Not ideal but that's how it goes.


#20 CharliMarley

Posted 22 February 2013 - 08:54 AM

QUOTE (fairyflossfart @ 22/02/2013, 08:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would prefer to go to the 50th wedding anniversary. It is something that is not achieved very often.


I agree with this - more important than a birthday IMO. cclap.gif

#21 4kidlets

Posted 22 February 2013 - 09:01 AM

QUOTE
Someone elses wedding anniversary means nothing to me though so I'd see it as getting out of a boring, nothing event. Birthdays should always be celebrated, you never know when it will be your last.



I dont get this logic - you never know when a wedding anniversary will be your last either - and realistically a person turning 50 is likely to have many more birthdays than a couple in their 70s (at least) is likely to have more anniversaries.


Im not sure what you should do OP but  I certainly dont agree that 50th wedding anniveraries are a 'nothing event' unsure.gif

#22 JRA

Posted 22 February 2013 - 09:04 AM

GIven the extra information, yes, see if the anniversary can change, other than that one each way.

#23 EsmeLennox

Posted 22 February 2013 - 09:22 AM



QUOTE (baddmammajamma @ 22/02/2013, 05:39 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Actually, that is a good point raised by PussyDids. If it is going to be an intimate affair, and not a lot of planning has been done at this stage, could your husband offer to help them organize it for the following weekend? Or weekend before?


I think this too. If that's not possible, given that you have already RSVP'd I would probably go to the birthday party and DH go to the anniversary, I would also send an enormous bunch of flowers to DH's parents with appropriate 'wish I could be there' message and make a special effort to celebrate with them soon after by taking them to dinner.

If I hadn't already RSVP's the other event I would go to the anniversary.

#24 ~*Twilight~Zone*~

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:33 AM

QUOTE (TopsyTurvy @ 22/02/2013, 05:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know it totally sucks with the timing!

Dad and his girlfriend have been together for about 17 years now.

She has been planning her birthday for months and we have family flying from interstate to attend.  Hers is being paid for and catered at a local restaurant and I had actually RSVP'd we were going when DH's mum sprung the anniversary party on us.
They are having a much lower key affair with a few close friends and immediate family at the clubhouse of the retirement village they live in.  

Arggghh its such a frustrating dilemma, I do absolutely acknowledge that the 50th anniversary trumps a birthday, but I know Dad's girlfriend will be upset if at least I don't go as we are pretty close.

Seems pretty cut and dry to me - you accepted the invite to the birthday first.  You can't then just go "oh we have a better offer now, sorry can't go."

#25 Julie3Girls

Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:08 PM

Already rsvp'd and interstate relatives ... I'd go with the party, at least for you.
I know you said it was 1,0.5 hrs between, but you could you manage lunch with your inlaws and dinner with your family?  If you mil has only just stArted organising, maybe she would consider a lunch time thing, that way it is still on the day.  You can take off mid afternoon to get to the party for your family.




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