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DH going away for the night


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#1 Nicole-Bris

Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:13 AM

Just wondering if I am being a big sooky la la or whether I have a little bit of a reason to be upset.  DH calls me last night about going away interstate on Saturday until Sunday for a friends BBQ and something to do with a football internet league.  Other than the expense normally I would have no problem with this but DH has been working interstate for the last month, one of the longest periods his ever been away and this last week I have really been struggling.

I have two children one with ADD and one with ODD and he is a very hands on dad and husband so not having any support for the last month is starting to wear me down A LOT.  He works interstate but normally for a week or two and then is home for a couple of days.  This time he is home for a week but I work Monday - Thursday and with him going away Saturday morning and coming home Sunday most likely hungover I'm feeling that the family and me time probably won't eventuate.  

I swing between DH has been working really long hours in harsh conditions earning good money so deserves this to what about the kids and I.  I know that he would be happy if I did the same thing but I wouldn't spend over $350 on flights going to a BBQ (plus I have no friends to do this with) but not only that I would like us to spend some time together.  

So am I being a bit silly I mean really its just for one night or can I be a little bit sad.

#2 ~Supernova~

Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:21 AM

My response probably isn't going to be a popular one, but if my DH had been away for a month and I was at the end of the tether with the kids, I'd be pretty p*ssed off if he did this. Personal time is all well and good, but it sounds like you really need both a break, and some time with your DH.

If it were me - I'd be spelling this out to my DH very clearly.

So yeah, I'd be upset.

EFS

Edited by Mareek, 20 February 2013 - 06:22 AM.


#3 kpingitquiet

Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:32 AM

I think I'd be pretty annoyed at that. Perhaps he could've planned a "day off" trip for another time when he hadn't already been away so long.

#4 Escapin

Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:35 AM

Yeah, I'd be upset too. Being away so much, maybe he's forgotten a little bit how much work being at home is. And maybe hasn't thought about your feelings either.

#5 Bec .

Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:40 AM

Personally I would let him go. He's been away working,
not on holiday. However, do explain how you are feeling & perhaps start planning your own overnight escape.

#6 amaza

Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:52 AM

I would probably be a little disappointed and would say as much but wouldn't have an issue with him going.

You say he would have been home for a week by then? You have Friday off to spend with him or have your me time? Did I get that wrong? If he's already home, even if he has been working away for a month, I don't see an issue.

If I got that wrong then maybe my thoughts would change.

#7 Bel Rowley

Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:58 AM

Yeah I'd be p*ssed. It would be one thing if it was to see family or a long-time they rarely see for a special occasion, but just for a BBQ? And planned at the last minute? Nope, wouldn't be happy.

#8 Banana Pancakes

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:03 AM

Id be annoyed but I wouldn't stop him. Its only one night in the grand scheme of things.

I would however plan on lots of dvd marathons with the kids, all their favourite foods, a trip to the park and then as soon as dh walked in the door I would walk out and go and have a (long) coffee somewhere nice all by myself!

#9 Coffeegirl

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:05 AM

QUOTE (rbat @ 20/02/2013, 07:40 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Personally I would let him go. He's been away working,
not on holiday. However, do explain how you are feeling & perhaps start planning your own overnight escape.


^^. This.  But only if it was for something that he could not do at another time.  IE besties 40th, or a wedding, or a sporting event that was planned some time prior (finals etc)

I don't think a last minute get together with some internet mates that he has probably never met is acceptable.

#10 wesse

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:08 AM

It's a poorly timed BBQ away but I wouldnt stop DH from going. As pp said, he has been working, not on holiday. I would plan a weekend out and about with the kids or rally support from friends and family nearby.
I would however tell him how hard it has been for you lately with the children.
I hope you get through the w/e op!

#11 a letter to Elise.

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:21 AM

I would be annoyed and a bit sad. I wouldn't tell him not to go, but I would tell him how I felt.
I am assuming that even though he will have been back for a week, you both would have been working and this is the first weekend he's been home for a month.

#12 Chchgirl

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:23 AM

As long as I got to arrange my weekend away and downtime, then I'd be ok.

#13 Lucygoosey1

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:32 AM

I'd feel the same as you.  I'd be 'letting' him go,  but have a talk about how tough it's been lately and how much you are really needing down time too.  
My DH had been away at a conference for 4 nights, then wanted to go to the cricket a few nights later.  I told him I was a bit worn out and needed a break,  so booked a facial for the weekend when he'd be home.
It was enough for me to recharge and not get annoyed.


#14 bluecardigans

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:43 AM

QUOTE (Chchgirl @ 20/02/2013, 08:23 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As long as I got to arrange my weekend away and downtime, then I'd be ok.

This. OP before he leaves, set the date for your weekend.

#15 qak

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:44 AM

QUOTE (wesse @ 20/02/2013, 08:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's a poorly timed BBQ away but I wouldnt stop DH from going. As pp said, he has been working, not on holiday.


I agree - it doesn't sound like he organised it, so it was just the (bad) luck of the draw for you.  I don't think you should blame your DH for that, or complain that he is going.


#16 JoMarch

Posted 20 February 2013 - 07:59 AM

I agree with you OP, I'd also be a little peeved....but I wouldn't try to stop him from going.  Its only one night in the grand scheme of things and as you say you're DH works hard (so I guess you feel like he deserves some him time).  But I would definately let him know how you feel & organise some family/you time for as soon as possible.

#17 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 20 February 2013 - 08:22 AM

QUOTE (Nicole-Bris @ 20/02/2013, 06:13 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just wondering if I am being a big sooky la la or whether I have a little bit of a reason to be upset.  DH calls me last night about going away interstate on Saturday until Sunday for a friends BBQ and something to do with a football internet league.  Other than the expense normally I would have no problem with this but DH has been working interstate for the last month, one of the longest periods his ever been away and this last week I have really been struggling.

I have two children one with ADD and one with ODD and he is a very hands on dad and husband so not having any support for the last month is starting to wear me down A LOT.  He works interstate but normally for a week or two and then is home for a couple of days.  This time he is home for a week but I work Monday - Thursday and with him going away Saturday morning and coming home Sunday most likely hungover I'm feeling that the family and me time probably won't eventuate.  

I swing between DH has been working really long hours in harsh conditions earning good money so deserves this to what about the kids and I.  I know that he would be happy if I did the same thing but I wouldn't spend over $350 on flights going to a BBQ (plus I have no friends to do this with) but not only that I would like us to spend some time together.  

So am I being a bit silly I mean really its just for one night or can I be a little bit sad.

I'd be annoyed about it, for sure.  But if it's a one off thing that he hasn't done for yonks, I also wouldn't begrudge him a weekend with his mates.  But I would be extracting a promise of what he planned to do the following weekend to make it up to me/the family and then proceed to book myself some of my own down time for when DH is next around with the family (eg. massage or manicure/pedicure, or coffee and movie with a girlfriend, or a few hours of purposely doing nothing away from the kids, etc).  Just as your DH needs some down time occasionally, so do you, so be proactive about it and make some of your own plans.

If he did it every 2nd month and the last time was only 4 weeks ago, I'd be extremely miffed.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 20 February 2013 - 08:23 AM.


#18 *LucyE*

Posted 20 February 2013 - 08:39 AM

I agree that although I wouldn't be impressed, and would say so, I wouldn't stop him.

I would have concrete plans set for whatever 'family time' you want, before he leaves though.

#19 emlis22

Posted 20 February 2013 - 08:45 AM

On the inside, I'd be shattered. But I would stop myself at getting sooky and let him do his thing. It will be worth it in the end I reckon. Just maybe mention you were/are disappointed and make him spoil you when he is home!



#20 Nicole-Bris

Posted 20 February 2013 - 08:49 AM

Its funny because I agree with absolutely everyones posts.  Although I'm disappointed, I won't stop him going.  Now that I think about it,  I think I'm more upset not that he is going away for the night but that he knows how much I've been struggling (phone calls from school about DD, getting teary over nothing).   He has been promising lots of fun things with the kids (they are really missing him as well) and plenty of time for myself (which I will get some on Friday) but when it comes down to it going to a work collegues BBQ about a football internet competition is more important to him.

Edited by Nicole-Bris, 20 February 2013 - 08:53 AM.


#21 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 20 February 2013 - 08:52 AM

QUOTE (Nicole-Bris @ 20/02/2013, 08:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Its funny because I agree with absolutely everyones posts.  Although I'm disappointed, I won't stop him going.  Now that I think about it,  I think I'm more upset not that he is going away for the night but that he knows how much I've been struggling (phone calls from school about DD, getting teary over nothing).   He has been promising lots of fun things with the kids and plenty of time for myself (which I will get some on Friday) but when it comes down to it going to a work collegues BBQ about a football internet competition is more important to him.

Start planning a bit of your own down time and let him know that you are doing that.  I reckon he will be very understanding about it.  And it gives you something to focus on for yourself, rather than focusing on why you are upset at him.

#22 StudyMum

Posted 20 February 2013 - 10:06 AM

My hubby works away and if it was us in this position I would let  him go. As others have said, when he is away he's working - not doing it for the fun of it (though if you are like me you have to keep reminding yourself of this!) - and he deserves some down time too. Sure, it hasn't been organised too well but blokes never think these things through properly  dry.gif

Definitely organise a weekend for yourself - it's only fair original.gif

#23 BeccaBoo88

Posted 20 February 2013 - 10:27 AM

I would be annoyed, but I know saying he couldn't go wouldn't be fair either.

Can you try and organsie a day off for yourself when he is back? Book in for a treatment at a day spa or even just take yourself to the library? Having an arrangement for 'you' time can reallllllly make a difference.

#24 Soontobegran

Posted 20 February 2013 - 10:33 AM

I would let him go but then arrange a similar 'get away' for yourself afterwards leaving him home alone.
This is what we did, my DH played and still plays gold very seriously and this often took him away to tournaments, some of which meant I was home alone with 5 little children and also trying to organise going to work for a few days.

I am not underestimating the problems it causes and the exhaustion but it was always reciprocated here and it worked well.

Good luck, I hope you can work out something that suits you both.

#25 *LucyE*

Posted 20 February 2013 - 10:35 AM

QUOTE
but when it comes down to it going to a work collegues BBQ about a football internet competition is more important to him.

Does he use a diary/calendar?  If so, confirm dates with him to actually do stuff. That way, it's locked in.

I know I sometimes get enthusiastic about doing stuff but if I don't lock in dates or times, it gets pushed back or put off because something else more concrete comes up. That's how I managed to not catch up with a good friend for 8 months last year even though we see each other regularly in passing.




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