Jump to content

Where has that nice kid gone?
It's like DD13 has changed over night!

  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1 Imdobbing

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:21 PM

I guess I am just looking for some tips on how to 'cope' with the changes in my daughters personality. She has just turned 13, just started her period and it's like overnight she has changed from my chatty, loving, family oriented kid to a sullen faced teen who spends all her time in her room.

Do I pull her up every time I think she is being rude, do I pick my battles, do I sit and talk to her as if all is okay????

Sounds stupid but I have to try so hard not to take it personally. I knew this was all coming I guess, but now it is here I really miss my easy going kid.

Any words of wisdom? Please..........

#2 Duechristmasday

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:23 PM

Oh big hugs.  I wish I could help.  I will be entering this phase soon so will be watching this thread closely.

Good luck!

#3 kez71

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:34 PM

Id say pick your battles, but at the same time don't allow her to be rude to you or anyone else. This reminds me of the BBC clip of Kevin turning 13

#4 axiomae

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:37 PM

Pull her up on it. Make her aware that rude behaviour is not acceptable - you wouldn't accept it from a young child yet alone a young adult. Address the behaviour and then move on as if nothing has happened. I'm a high school teacher and find that straightforward, honest, and direct communication about behaviour is the best way to get past it. Not dwelling on it afterwards really helps - it lets them know that rudeness is not okay, but you're not going to hold it against them forever. I understand it is probably totally different with your own child though and may be harder to do!

Just make sure though that nothing has actually happened to cause her behaviour. If it's a sudden change, it could be because of troubles with friends, at school or online etc. Notice when she seems down, tired, upset etc, but don't push for info. You could try saying something like "You seem somewhat off-colour today, everything ok?" If she opens up and talks, then empathise. Acknowledge how something would have been embarrassing, confusing, hurtful etc. Offer love. If she doesn't open up then she still knows you care and are there for her.

Teens are complex creatures but still need boundaries and love. Best of luck original.gif

#5 Chasing*Rainbows

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:47 PM

Say goodbye to your baby girl for the next 4 or so years. It's seriously like someone comes in an abducts your sweet little girl and puts in her place a horrible teenager that at times even her parents don't like.

I have 2 currently in this stage (13 and 15) and 2 that have fortunately come through the other end of it and are now gorgeous young women who I love spending time with. My only advice is stay firm, set boundaries and standards that you expect from her regardless of whether she likes it or not, and remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Also seriously look at who she hangs around. I never fully understood the power friends had over even my most strongly willed daughter until I was sitting in the police station with my daughter who'd been caught shop lifting at 14. While I had little control over the contact she had with these friends during school time I certainly had control of her social life after school hours. She hated me for keeping her from these girls but in the end all 3 of the other girls were out of school by the end of grade 9 and 2 pregnant at 16. Thankfully my daughter wasn't one of them. Only now does she thank me for being stronger then her and making sure she did the right thing.

Goodluck OP its a hard slog.

#6 Barefoot

Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:00 PM

Here is an article I read about 13yo girls.

13 or The Brain Fog that ate my precious daughter.

....or, how we survived, and you can too. (This OP is available to the public on my Facebook page) Um, do you remember being a 13 year old girl? Just in case you forgot, Here you go.

Welcome to the brain fog, it goes like this:

"I don't want what I want. I don't want what you want. I don't want what you want me to want and I don't know what I want, anyway. I am going to be unhappy, even if I get what I want because I didn't *really* want it.

I want to be "different" and I want to fit in.

I do want to fight with you some, and mostly about stupid stuff, because it's how I figure out where you stop and I start, and it's powerful feeling when I can 'wind you up' so easily.

I will need *exact* instructions about how to do things that I could always do before, easily because my brain forgot how. No, really, it forgot.

I am pretty much miserable in this body that is changing so fast, but these boobs are pretty cool, don't you think?

I'm hungry. I don't want...."


Sarcasm comes into play here, b/c they are 'trying that on' and sometimes it's really cool, and sometimes it is a major FAIL.

The brainfog is more a product of the Neurological changes that come with the hormones, than the hormones, directly. In my experience so far, it totally went away sometime in the 14th year.

I flat out told my teenager what I wrote up there, back when it was happening.

I said, "I bet that inside your brain sounds something like this <insert that rant from up there, in this space > and the bad news is that its truly like that in there...it's the Brain Fog,and I know you can't help most of the crazy that's going on inside of you. The good news is that it's part of neurological development. Your brain and your hormones are making you like that inside, and it will go away next year. In the meantime, we just have to hold on for the bumpy ride "

After that conversation, we would use "Brain Fog" as the code words when things got crazy sounding. We were in it together to survive the year intact. We acknowledged that it sucked, and sometimes it sucked really badly. We both lost our cool a lot, but the code word worked as an apology, too, when we didn't do such a good job.

The Big Funny is when she tells other people about the Brain Fog. I've heard her tell so many mothers and other teenagers "Oh, that's just the Brain Fog. It's going to go away in a year or so and everything will be all better."

Have you read the Ames and Ilg description of what happens in their brains that year?It's VERY telling, and totally helpful.

The thing that is most difficult about 13, to me, is the Brain Fog. The things that were easy for them at 11 and 12 are now amazingly difficult. Thisisa BIGTHINGasfaras 'setting a teen up for success' goes.

Where I used to be able to givesimpleinstructions, I had to switch over to detailed lists,becausetheBrainFog made the intuitive leaps from steps 1 to 4 that their brains could make easilypriorto BFnow require delineation in the most extreme ways.

You also have to find a new way to talk with her, because her brain just got the Big Upgrade, and no patches or fixes. She's like a big roiling hormonal "Windows Vista" with zits and oily hair. Nothing works like you think it should, it's not intuitive and it only functions if you know where the holes are and how to avoid them, until the patches get worked out and you get version 2.0

It is actually as if every single file in her head has been rearranged, and she CAN NOT find the information she previously accessed easily....like how to pick up her stuff or empty the dishwasher. No, really, she actually can't find the files that tell her how to do it. No amount of frustrated berating on the part of a mom makes this better, but it WILL make "the 14yo angries" much much worse if you can't keep your own big feelings in check this year.

Remembering to Connect before you Correct is SUPER CRITICAL.

PULSITILLIA 30C Run, don't walk to buy this for her.

Tell her to take it every time she hears the little girls in her head throwing a tantrum.

We talk a lot about the little girl in our head, at our house.

If the little girls in her head are running around screaming "I HATE I HATE I HATE" about every single thing that *actually* means "Feed me protein, pleeeeeease."

If the little girl in her head is saying "DON'T TOUCH ME! NO ONE LOVES ME! RUB MY BACK! CUDDLE ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! FEED ME FRENCH FRIES AND ICE CREAM! I'M NOT HUNGRY" take Pulsitillia, because it's just the Estrogen Poisoning and it needs a little soothing.

If the the little girl in her head is lying on the floor all floppy and whimpering, then look at her and say, "Yea, some days suck." and don't ask her why....she doesn't know, and that's ok. Feeding her ice cream or lime potato chips while sitting through the entire first season of Friends and laughing at Joey's hair and Monica's pants also works.

Does she have any regular adult chore with associated privileges that she only gets because she's a teenager?My oldest helps make the meal plan, and goes to the grocery store, and because she's there with me, she gets to choose a few non-list items to hide from her siblings for her own snacks.

Do y'all ever "run away" at the end of a hard day?

When a day has been really really crap, I look at the child when everyone else is settling in for whatever computer/tv/after dinner activity and say, "So, you ready to run away?" and if they answer in the affirmative, we grab the keys and go somewhere....dollar store, starbucks, book store, park, carwash, anywhere but the house! The key is that if you feel like you wish that you could escape/run away, it's a good bet she does, too

Your relationship is growing into what it will be when she is an adult, and transitions, even good ones, are hard. You have to seriously step it up and be The Unsinkable Mom. Her big feelings are hers and you have to be stalwart about not taking them on or trying to fix them for her, but rather, validating the feelings and helping her figure out how to solve the problems by asking leading questions, and giving her the space to figure it out. She's a smart girl. She will find all the files and put them where they're most useful, over the next three years.

You're going to be great. I know it, because you're a smart mom, and when you screw up, you're going to admit it, and apologize and make amends, so that she learns to be that person, too.

#7 FiveAus

Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:24 PM

It's awful, isn't it? I went through it with my two girls, they came out the other side although at the time, it felt like it was never going to happen.

When my younger daughter was 16, she decided it would be better to move out of home and sleep in other peoples backyards than to live with us, and obey my quite reasonable rules.
It wasn't like she had competition for attention, she was the only child at home, she had a lovely life here, plenty of freedom, a nice big house to spread herself around in, all the cool electronic gear she could desire, unlimited internet and pay TV, a mobile phone plan paid for by me.....but nup, sleeping in other peoples backyards was apparently a better life. Long story short, it lasted 10 days and she was home again.

They make very stupid decisions at that age.

1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users


How a raisin can predict a toddler's IQ

All you need to assess a child's future intelligence is a plastic cup and a raisin, according to new research.

Kate Walsh: 'I can't have kids'

Grey's Anatomy star Kate Walsh has revealed she is unable to have children because she has experienced early menopause.

The parasite that could boost fertility

The Tsimane women of Bolivia are often revered as among the most fertile in the world - on average having 10 children in their lifetimes -- but some are even more fertile than others.

Family may sue cousin over genetics

A Melbourne couple is suing the Royal Children's Hospital for failing to diagnose a genetic disorder in their first child - an error they allege caused them to have another child with severe disabilities.

Strange things mums have done in labour

While most women in labour focus on the upcoming birth of their baby, some women do more interesting things.

Michael Clarke reveals baby's name

When Michael Clarke said he was wrapped around the finger of his little princess, he wasn't joking.

The logistics of breastfeeding twins

Our life is more or less divided into neat four hour parcels of time and it's hard to get much of anything done in the time between feeds.

How to stop people ruining Christmas

We can make a conscious effort about how we react to those curly Christmas day scenarios that can send us up the wall, or should we say chimney.

Lots of formula offers for desperate mum

The mum who was down to her last three tins of baby formula said she had received hundreds of calls and offers to send her formula.

Surviving breast cancer while pregnant

It was last thing Rebecca O'Donnell expected at 30 weeks' pregnant. One morning, while putting on her bra, she felt a pea-sized lump in her right breast.

Cot sheet brands for the nursery

With so many awesome cot sheet options these days, we thought we'd put together a list of go-to brands for you to seek out for your baby's bed.

The Bugaboo by Diesel Denim launch

Essential Baby attended the launch and it got messy!

Father's letter to Bataclan terrorists

A grieving father whose wife was killed in the attacks on the Bataclan Theatre last weekend has written an open letter to her killers.

Adele's new song to sing along to

Singer follows up success of Hello with new belting ballad When We Were Young.

Major retailers restrict formula sales

Coles and Woolworths have imposed tighter buying bans on baby formula amid a shortage blamed on Chinese consumers.

Three-year-old breaks family's news

If you are three-years-old and an only child, then news doesn't get much bigger than this.

Swapped babies stay with families

A boy and girl accidentally swapped on the day they were born will stay with the families who have raised them, a South African court has ruled.

How life is different with three kids

I knew having a third child would alter our lives, but it's had so many impacts - both tiny and enormous.


What's hot on EB

Win one of two ABC Shop prize packs in time for Christmas

What a boon it would be to have your toddler's Christmas gifts covered this year. We have two awesome ABC Shop prize packs to give away to two lucky winners.

Beautiful 'now and then' images of premature babies

They are stunning photos that the parents of these beautiful no doubt feared they may never see.

Physios warn pregnant women not to crunch like Michelle Bridges

Experts are urging pregnant women not to do exactly as Michelle Bridges does when exercising, or they risk developing rectus abdominus diastasis.

Penny-pinching supermarket shoppers switching in droves

Half of Australia thinks it can get cheaper groceries by switching supermarkets, and about one in four of us have already switched.

Baby breastfed by wrong mother after hospital mix up

A newborn baby has been breastfed by a stranger after a NSW hospital bungled the identities of two newborns, devastating one mother and potentially exposing the newborn to health risks.

Nurses invent skin to skin c-section drape

The determination of three US nurses to provide immediate skin to skin contact to mothers delivering their babies by caesarean section has led to the invention of a unique surgical drape.

Baby's first photo shoot features a special guest

You can always be sure of a few things not entirely going to plan during a newborn shoot – little accidents are almost par for the course – but this shoot was memorable for a whole other reason.

We are not the family you think we are, I promise

Kids have a way of presenting a completely inaccurate impression of you, as parents, and as a family.

The hidden harm of foetal alcohol syndrome disorder

Experts believe many children diagnosed with ADHD might actually have FASD and that the number of people suffering from the condition across the country could be as high as 500,000.

Anaesthetist facing charges after ignoring woman's pain during caesarean

An anaesthetist could be punished after telling a woman enduring an "excruciating" painful C-section that she was not actually in pain.

When your baby starts life in NICU

Our daughters are finally home after spending nearly four weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at Wellington hospital.

How to save for a deposit while renting

As hard as it sounds, it is possible to save money when you rent, and certain things can be done to build a deposit faster.

Medications pregnant women should take, avoid, and think about

There are actually very few medications that must be absolutely avoided during pregnancy.

Paid parental leave uncertainty a growing concern

Eight months out from the due date of the government's PPL cut, some expectant parents are facing an uncertain time.

7 commandments of using the internet as a parent

What you need is careful, objective and repeatable science. Not anecdotes or old wives' tales, but data.

A rethink on screen ban for kids under two

With new guidelines being developed, the discouragement of use below two years of age is being revised.

10 things I want my wife to know

It's on those crazy days that I must remember to stop and let her know some things she needs to hear.

Better education about SIDS needed as deaths plateau

The number of sudden and unexpected deaths in infancy has decreased in NSW for the past 15 years but the most recent report into child deaths reveals the decline has plateaued.



Can't decide?

Check out the Essential Baby Names section for some inspiration

Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.