Where has that nice kid gone?
It's like DD13 has changed over night!
, Feb 19 2013 03:21 PM
6 replies to this topic
Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:21 PM
I guess I am just looking for some tips on how to 'cope' with the changes in my daughters personality. She has just turned 13, just started her period and it's like overnight she has changed from my chatty, loving, family oriented kid to a sullen faced teen who spends all her time in her room.
Do I pull her up every time I think she is being rude, do I pick my battles, do I sit and talk to her as if all is okay????
Sounds stupid but I have to try so hard not to take it personally. I knew this was all coming I guess, but now it is here I really miss my easy going kid.
Any words of wisdom? Please..........
Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:23 PM
Oh big hugs. I wish I could help. I will be entering this phase soon so will be watching this thread closely.
Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:34 PM
Id say pick your battles, but at the same time don't allow her to be rude to you or anyone else. This reminds me of the BBC clip of Kevin turning 13http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY
Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:37 PM
Pull her up on it. Make her aware that rude behaviour is not acceptable - you wouldn't accept it from a young child yet alone a young adult. Address the behaviour and then move on as if nothing has happened. I'm a high school teacher and find that straightforward, honest, and direct communication about behaviour is the best way to get past it. Not dwelling on it afterwards really helps - it lets them know that rudeness is not okay, but you're not going to hold it against them forever. I understand it is probably totally different with your own child though and may be harder to do!
Just make sure though that nothing has actually happened to cause her behaviour. If it's a sudden change, it could be because of troubles with friends, at school or online etc. Notice when she seems down, tired, upset etc, but don't push for info. You could try saying something like "You seem somewhat off-colour today, everything ok?" If she opens up and talks, then empathise. Acknowledge how something would have been embarrassing, confusing, hurtful etc. Offer love. If she doesn't open up then she still knows you care and are there for her.
Teens are complex creatures but still need boundaries and love. Best of luck
Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:47 PM
Say goodbye to your baby girl for the next 4 or so years. It's seriously like someone comes in an abducts your sweet little girl and puts in her place a horrible teenager that at times even her parents don't like.
I have 2 currently in this stage (13 and 15) and 2 that have fortunately come through the other end of it and are now gorgeous young women who I love spending time with. My only advice is stay firm, set boundaries and standards that you expect from her regardless of whether she likes it or not, and remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Also seriously look at who she hangs around. I never fully understood the power friends had over even my most strongly willed daughter until I was sitting in the police station with my daughter who'd been caught shop lifting at 14. While I had little control over the contact she had with these friends during school time I certainly had control of her social life after school hours. She hated me for keeping her from these girls but in the end all 3 of the other girls were out of school by the end of grade 9 and 2 pregnant at 16. Thankfully my daughter wasn't one of them. Only now does she thank me for being stronger then her and making sure she did the right thing.
Goodluck OP its a hard slog.
Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:00 PM
Here is an article I read about 13yo girls.
13 or The Brain Fog that ate my precious daughter.
....or, how we survived, and you can too. (This OP is available to the public on my Facebook page) Um, do you remember being a 13 year old girl? Just in case you forgot, Here you go.
Welcome to the brain fog, it goes like this:
"I don't want what I want. I don't want what you want. I don't want what you want me to want and I don't know what I want, anyway. I am going to be unhappy, even if I get what I want because I didn't *really* want it.
I want to be "different" and I want to fit in.
I do want to fight with you some, and mostly about stupid stuff, because it's how I figure out where you stop and I start, and it's powerful feeling when I can 'wind you up' so easily.
I will need *exact* instructions about how to do things that I could always do before, easily because my brain forgot how. No, really, it forgot.
I am pretty much miserable in this body that is changing so fast, but these boobs are pretty cool, don't you think?
I'm hungry. I don't want...."
Sarcasm comes into play here, b/c they are 'trying that on' and sometimes it's really cool, and sometimes it is a major FAIL.
The brainfog is more a product of the Neurological changes that come with the hormones, than the hormones, directly. In my experience so far, it totally went away sometime in the 14th year.
I flat out told my teenager what I wrote up there, back when it was happening.
I said, "I bet that inside your brain sounds something like this <insert that rant from up there, in this space > and the bad news is that its truly like that in there...it's the Brain Fog,and I know you can't help most of the crazy that's going on inside of you. The good news is that it's part of neurological development. Your brain and your hormones are making you like that inside, and it will go away next year. In the meantime, we just have to hold on for the bumpy ride "
After that conversation, we would use "Brain Fog" as the code words when things got crazy sounding. We were in it together to survive the year intact. We acknowledged that it sucked, and sometimes it sucked really badly. We both lost our cool a lot, but the code word worked as an apology, too, when we didn't do such a good job.
The Big Funny is when she tells other people about the Brain Fog. I've heard her tell so many mothers and other teenagers "Oh, that's just the Brain Fog. It's going to go away in a year or so and everything will be all better."
Have you read the Ames and Ilg description of what happens in their brains that year?It's VERY telling, and totally helpful.
The thing that is most difficult about 13, to me, is the Brain Fog. The things that were easy for them at 11 and 12 are now amazingly difficult. Thisisa BIGTHINGasfaras 'setting a teen up for success' goes.
Where I used to be able to givesimpleinstructions, I had to switch over to detailed lists,becausetheBrainFog made the intuitive leaps from steps 1 to 4 that their brains could make easilypriorto BFnow require delineation in the most extreme ways.
You also have to find a new way to talk with her, because her brain just got the Big Upgrade, and no patches or fixes. She's like a big roiling hormonal "Windows Vista" with zits and oily hair. Nothing works like you think it should, it's not intuitive and it only functions if you know where the holes are and how to avoid them, until the patches get worked out and you get version 2.0
It is actually as if every single file in her head has been rearranged, and she CAN NOT find the information she previously accessed easily....like how to pick up her stuff or empty the dishwasher. No, really, she actually can't find the files that tell her how to do it. No amount of frustrated berating on the part of a mom makes this better, but it WILL make "the 14yo angries" much much worse if you can't keep your own big feelings in check this year.
Remembering to Connect before you Correct is SUPER CRITICAL.
PULSITILLIA 30C Run, don't walk to buy this for her.
Tell her to take it every time she hears the little girls in her head throwing a tantrum.
We talk a lot about the little girl in our head, at our house.
If the little girls in her head are running around screaming "I HATE I HATE I HATE" about every single thing that *actually* means "Feed me protein, pleeeeeease."
If the little girl in her head is saying "DON'T TOUCH ME! NO ONE LOVES ME! RUB MY BACK! CUDDLE ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! FEED ME FRENCH FRIES AND ICE CREAM! I'M NOT HUNGRY" take Pulsitillia, because it's just the Estrogen Poisoning and it needs a little soothing.
If the the little girl in her head is lying on the floor all floppy and whimpering, then look at her and say, "Yea, some days suck." and don't ask her why....she doesn't know, and that's ok. Feeding her ice cream or lime potato chips while sitting through the entire first season of Friends and laughing at Joey's hair and Monica's pants also works.
Does she have any regular adult chore with associated privileges that she only gets because she's a teenager?My oldest helps make the meal plan, and goes to the grocery store, and because she's there with me, she gets to choose a few non-list items to hide from her siblings for her own snacks.
Do y'all ever "run away" at the end of a hard day?
When a day has been really really crap, I look at the child when everyone else is settling in for whatever computer/tv/after dinner activity and say, "So, you ready to run away?" and if they answer in the affirmative, we grab the keys and go somewhere....dollar store, starbucks, book store, park, carwash, anywhere but the house! The key is that if you feel like you wish that you could escape/run away, it's a good bet she does, too
Your relationship is growing into what it will be when she is an adult, and transitions, even good ones, are hard. You have to seriously step it up and be The Unsinkable Mom. Her big feelings are hers and you have to be stalwart about not taking them on or trying to fix them for her, but rather, validating the feelings and helping her figure out how to solve the problems by asking leading questions, and giving her the space to figure it out. She's a smart girl. She will find all the files and put them where they're most useful, over the next three years.
You're going to be great. I know it, because you're a smart mom, and when you screw up, you're going to admit it, and apologize and make amends, so that she learns to be that person, too.
Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:24 PM
It's awful, isn't it? I went through it with my two girls, they came out the other side although at the time, it felt like it was never going to happen.
When my younger daughter was 16, she decided it would be better to move out of home and sleep in other peoples backyards than to live with us, and obey my quite reasonable rules.
It wasn't like she had competition for attention, she was the only child at home, she had a lovely life here, plenty of freedom, a nice big house to spread herself around in, all the cool electronic gear she could desire, unlimited internet and pay TV, a mobile phone plan paid for by me.....but nup, sleeping in other peoples backyards was apparently a better life. Long story short, it lasted 10 days and she was home again.
They make very stupid decisions at that age.
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