Jump to content

Where has that nice kid gone?
It's like DD13 has changed over night!


  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1 Imdobbing

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:21 PM

I guess I am just looking for some tips on how to 'cope' with the changes in my daughters personality. She has just turned 13, just started her period and it's like overnight she has changed from my chatty, loving, family oriented kid to a sullen faced teen who spends all her time in her room.

Do I pull her up every time I think she is being rude, do I pick my battles, do I sit and talk to her as if all is okay????

Sounds stupid but I have to try so hard not to take it personally. I knew this was all coming I guess, but now it is here I really miss my easy going kid.

Any words of wisdom? Please..........

#2 Duechristmasday

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:23 PM

Oh big hugs.  I wish I could help.  I will be entering this phase soon so will be watching this thread closely.

Good luck!

#3 kez71

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:34 PM

Id say pick your battles, but at the same time don't allow her to be rude to you or anyone else. This reminds me of the BBC clip of Kevin turning 13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

#4 axiomae

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:37 PM

Pull her up on it. Make her aware that rude behaviour is not acceptable - you wouldn't accept it from a young child yet alone a young adult. Address the behaviour and then move on as if nothing has happened. I'm a high school teacher and find that straightforward, honest, and direct communication about behaviour is the best way to get past it. Not dwelling on it afterwards really helps - it lets them know that rudeness is not okay, but you're not going to hold it against them forever. I understand it is probably totally different with your own child though and may be harder to do!

Just make sure though that nothing has actually happened to cause her behaviour. If it's a sudden change, it could be because of troubles with friends, at school or online etc. Notice when she seems down, tired, upset etc, but don't push for info. You could try saying something like "You seem somewhat off-colour today, everything ok?" If she opens up and talks, then empathise. Acknowledge how something would have been embarrassing, confusing, hurtful etc. Offer love. If she doesn't open up then she still knows you care and are there for her.

Teens are complex creatures but still need boundaries and love. Best of luck original.gif


#5 Chasing*Rainbows

Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:47 PM

Say goodbye to your baby girl for the next 4 or so years. It's seriously like someone comes in an abducts your sweet little girl and puts in her place a horrible teenager that at times even her parents don't like.

I have 2 currently in this stage (13 and 15) and 2 that have fortunately come through the other end of it and are now gorgeous young women who I love spending time with. My only advice is stay firm, set boundaries and standards that you expect from her regardless of whether she likes it or not, and remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Also seriously look at who she hangs around. I never fully understood the power friends had over even my most strongly willed daughter until I was sitting in the police station with my daughter who'd been caught shop lifting at 14. While I had little control over the contact she had with these friends during school time I certainly had control of her social life after school hours. She hated me for keeping her from these girls but in the end all 3 of the other girls were out of school by the end of grade 9 and 2 pregnant at 16. Thankfully my daughter wasn't one of them. Only now does she thank me for being stronger then her and making sure she did the right thing.

Goodluck OP its a hard slog.

#6 Barefoot

Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:00 PM

Here is an article I read about 13yo girls.

QUOTE
13 or The Brain Fog that ate my precious daughter.

....or, how we survived, and you can too. (This OP is available to the public on my Facebook page) Um, do you remember being a 13 year old girl? Just in case you forgot, Here you go.

Welcome to the brain fog, it goes like this:

"I don't want what I want. I don't want what you want. I don't want what you want me to want and I don't know what I want, anyway. I am going to be unhappy, even if I get what I want because I didn't *really* want it.

I want to be "different" and I want to fit in.

I do want to fight with you some, and mostly about stupid stuff, because it's how I figure out where you stop and I start, and it's powerful feeling when I can 'wind you up' so easily.

I will need *exact* instructions about how to do things that I could always do before, easily because my brain forgot how. No, really, it forgot.

I am pretty much miserable in this body that is changing so fast, but these boobs are pretty cool, don't you think?

I'm hungry. I don't want...."

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

Sarcasm comes into play here, b/c they are 'trying that on' and sometimes it's really cool, and sometimes it is a major FAIL.

The brainfog is more a product of the Neurological changes that come with the hormones, than the hormones, directly. In my experience so far, it totally went away sometime in the 14th year.

I flat out told my teenager what I wrote up there, back when it was happening.

I said, "I bet that inside your brain sounds something like this <insert that rant from up there, in this space > and the bad news is that its truly like that in there...it's the Brain Fog,and I know you can't help most of the crazy that's going on inside of you. The good news is that it's part of neurological development. Your brain and your hormones are making you like that inside, and it will go away next year. In the meantime, we just have to hold on for the bumpy ride "

After that conversation, we would use "Brain Fog" as the code words when things got crazy sounding. We were in it together to survive the year intact. We acknowledged that it sucked, and sometimes it sucked really badly. We both lost our cool a lot, but the code word worked as an apology, too, when we didn't do such a good job.

The Big Funny is when she tells other people about the Brain Fog. I've heard her tell so many mothers and other teenagers "Oh, that's just the Brain Fog. It's going to go away in a year or so and everything will be all better."

Have you read the Ames and Ilg description of what happens in their brains that year?It's VERY telling, and totally helpful.

The thing that is most difficult about 13, to me, is the Brain Fog. The things that were easy for them at 11 and 12 are now amazingly difficult. Thisisa BIGTHINGasfaras 'setting a teen up for success' goes.

Where I used to be able to givesimpleinstructions, I had to switch over to detailed lists,becausetheBrainFog made the intuitive leaps from steps 1 to 4 that their brains could make easilypriorto BFnow require delineation in the most extreme ways.

You also have to find a new way to talk with her, because her brain just got the Big Upgrade, and no patches or fixes. She's like a big roiling hormonal "Windows Vista" with zits and oily hair. Nothing works like you think it should, it's not intuitive and it only functions if you know where the holes are and how to avoid them, until the patches get worked out and you get version 2.0

It is actually as if every single file in her head has been rearranged, and she CAN NOT find the information she previously accessed easily....like how to pick up her stuff or empty the dishwasher. No, really, she actually can't find the files that tell her how to do it. No amount of frustrated berating on the part of a mom makes this better, but it WILL make "the 14yo angries" much much worse if you can't keep your own big feelings in check this year.

Remembering to Connect before you Correct is SUPER CRITICAL.

PULSITILLIA 30C Run, don't walk to buy this for her.

Tell her to take it every time she hears the little girls in her head throwing a tantrum.

We talk a lot about the little girl in our head, at our house.

If the little girls in her head are running around screaming "I HATE I HATE I HATE" about every single thing that *actually* means "Feed me protein, pleeeeeease."

If the little girl in her head is saying "DON'T TOUCH ME! NO ONE LOVES ME! RUB MY BACK! CUDDLE ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! FEED ME FRENCH FRIES AND ICE CREAM! I'M NOT HUNGRY" take Pulsitillia, because it's just the Estrogen Poisoning and it needs a little soothing.

If the the little girl in her head is lying on the floor all floppy and whimpering, then look at her and say, "Yea, some days suck." and don't ask her why....she doesn't know, and that's ok. Feeding her ice cream or lime potato chips while sitting through the entire first season of Friends and laughing at Joey's hair and Monica's pants also works.

Does she have any regular adult chore with associated privileges that she only gets because she's a teenager?My oldest helps make the meal plan, and goes to the grocery store, and because she's there with me, she gets to choose a few non-list items to hide from her siblings for her own snacks.

Do y'all ever "run away" at the end of a hard day?

When a day has been really really crap, I look at the child when everyone else is settling in for whatever computer/tv/after dinner activity and say, "So, you ready to run away?" and if they answer in the affirmative, we grab the keys and go somewhere....dollar store, starbucks, book store, park, carwash, anywhere but the house! The key is that if you feel like you wish that you could escape/run away, it's a good bet she does, too

Your relationship is growing into what it will be when she is an adult, and transitions, even good ones, are hard. You have to seriously step it up and be The Unsinkable Mom. Her big feelings are hers and you have to be stalwart about not taking them on or trying to fix them for her, but rather, validating the feelings and helping her figure out how to solve the problems by asking leading questions, and giving her the space to figure it out. She's a smart girl. She will find all the files and put them where they're most useful, over the next three years.

You're going to be great. I know it, because you're a smart mom, and when you screw up, you're going to admit it, and apologize and make amends, so that she learns to be that person, too.


#7 FiveAus

Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:24 PM

It's awful, isn't it? I went through it with my two girls, they came out the other side although at the time, it felt like it was never going to happen.

When my younger daughter was 16, she decided it would be better to move out of home and sleep in other peoples backyards than to live with us, and obey my quite reasonable rules.
It wasn't like she had competition for attention, she was the only child at home, she had a lovely life here, plenty of freedom, a nice big house to spread herself around in, all the cool electronic gear she could desire, unlimited internet and pay TV, a mobile phone plan paid for by me.....but nup, sleeping in other peoples backyards was apparently a better life. Long story short, it lasted 10 days and she was home again.

They make very stupid decisions at that age.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's? Here's what you need to know

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The worst 20 minutes of my life

Thirty seconds was all it took to turn a shopping trip into my worst nightmare.

Top baby names for England and Wales in 2014

George has overtaken William in the official rankings of most popular British baby names - and Game of Thrones is still having an impact on parents.

Baseball or baby? Dad's tough choice

What's more important, a baby or a baseball? That's a question this dad seems to struggle with.

Childbirth choices: five star or free?

It's not often you hear the words labour and luxury in the same sentence but for some, a 5-star start to parenthood is exactly what they seek. And with a number of private hospitals now offering packages which include a post-birth stay at a sumptuous first class resort, many mums are choosing to recover in style.

'Where did your boobies go, Mummy?' and other soul-destroying comments from kids

Most women carry a smidge of baby weight after giving birth. If you're lucky enough to have an older child in the house, they can keep you on track with your weight loss goals.

Do you read me, baby?

Is it too soon to be reading to my two-month-old son? If not, what should I read?

Minimising sibling rivalry when you've got a baby

Sibling rivalry is an act of competition, but if your children feel involved and special, this type of jealousy will be minimised.

Will studying on maternity leave take you away from your most important job?

I remember when I was trying to decide if I could combine motherhood and furthering my university education.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

Preschooler hit by car shortly after baby brother's death

A mother has had a frantic race to the hospital after her daughter was hit by a car, just four weeks after her infant son died.

Gay couple and Thai surrogate in custody tug-of-war

A six-month-old baby girl is trapped in the Thai capital in a bitter custody wrangle between her Thai surrogate mother and her biological father.

Couple denied IVF over parenting concerns

A mother of six has been denied access to IVF treatment in order to have another child over concerns about her parenting skills.

The book that promises to put your children to sleep

Exhausted parents from around the world are singing the praises of a "miracle" book which promises to put even the most restless child to sleep in just minutes.

5 things every parent who feels guilty needs to know

Parenthood can make you feel bad, but you're not alone.

Royals criticise 'dangerous' attempts to photograph Prince George

The British royal family criticized paparazzi on Friday for what it called their increasingly dangerous attempts to photograph young Prince George.

'No jab, no play' rule to cover Victorian kindergartens and childcare centres

"Anti-vaxxers" face not being able to send their children to childcare centres or kindergarten if they refuse to have them immunised.

15,000 birthing kits on their way to developing countries

Giving birth in a hospital surrounded by medical experts is tough enough, but some women deliver babies without a clean sheet to lie on.

Photo of premmie 'too graphic', fundraising site says

When their son Jacob was born at just 27 weeks, Christina and Jeff Hinks were thrown into an uncertain world.

The latest Bugaboo collections: cool chevron and runner prams

Bugaboo sure likes to keep things fresh, and with the Australian spring/summer season coming up, there are two new Bugaboo pram releases.

Making room for two in the bed

Mum's room or their own room? Cot or bassinets? Deciding where twins will sleep can be tricky.

 

FREE TICKET

See Hi-5 LIVE in Sydney!

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.