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The type of mother you had..
is it the same mother you are? (long)


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#1 stressnless9

Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:39 PM

SORRY THIS IS LONG!!!

Something i have been wondering for a long time is if you treat/parent etc your children the same as your mother treated you?

I come from a large family, mum was a SAHM mostly. looking back i mostly felt like my mother never cared which is still how i feel now. I would get some of my siblings(the younger ones age 5 & 7 i was 10 this was about 14 yrs ago now too)  ready for school, make their lunch, iron clothes & do their hair walk them to and from school all while my mother mostly stayed in bed not even bothering to say goodbye to us. she would constantly yell at us, calling us nasty names,never asked how our day has been, hardly ever watch us play sports, we were fed such unhealthy foods i remember her yelling that she just wanted to pack and leave us all one night (was yelling to my dad) i remember crying and begging her not to leave us.
I never remember any hugs, i love you, any words of encouragement nothing. All of my siblings turned out awesome and i truly mean that we all get along so well i dont know what i would have done without them although all but 1 either has depression or anxiety.  I always thought mum never needed me, that was until i was an adult (teens still) and dad had enough and left. Then she needed me and i was there even though she would bag my dad, tell me all the problems they had, say how much of a bad father he was.....which would break my heart everytime.

There were good points, she would defend us if anyone said anything bad, we always had nice clothes, she was funny when she was in a good mood.

Ive never said a bad word to my mother, ever. I have never ever ever wanted to hurt her feelings or make her feelbad in any way. I have done so so so much for her, paid for overseas holidays, paid other flights, given her money for bills, let her move in with me when she wanted a change, got her a job, gave her my car to use for a few months, never ever charged her any rent or anythig at all, have helped so much over the years with trying to get her a job as in helping her understand how to use the computer,attach docs, do resume etc which would take hours!! then she wouldnt bother sending off anyone because the job looked too hard in the end. If i ever asked for help she would get annoyed.

All of my brothers and sisters have also helped her in major ways aswell. she has cut 2 of them off at different stages because they said the wrong thing, and by wrong thing its literally along the lines of 'Im not so sure that was a good idea mum' not even in a nasty tone or anything!!! everyime i speak to her its always,i have no money, i never sleep, im so sick, my life is awful - she has a very nice life makes a very decent amount of money, owns her own home & a brand new car.

having my own child and 2 SS i now know what it feels like to love and be loved sooo much, never ever could i let my 5 yr old out the door without checking they were dressed,had breakfast, lunch packed etc i wouldnt even let a 10yr old out the door without checking?! I constantly tell all 3 i love them, give them hugs and kisses, im far from perfect but they are my whole world and theres no way i could ever call them and Fing B etc. I can't understand why she was - and still is like this? I sometimes worry ill completely spoil the kids because im trying make up for what i missed out on? There is not one thing i do as a parent thats anything like what my mum did.

#2 Foogle

Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:57 PM

I do not parent my child the way my mother parented/part-parented me (she left when I was 4) nor the way my stepmother parented me.

Whilst there were moments of kindness, overall I consider both women, stellar examples on how not to parent. (Although I would never say that to either of them now - both are elderly and the discussion is not worth having).

Edited to add - my mother is an outstanding grandparent though. original.gif

Edited by Foogle, 18 February 2013 - 01:58 PM.


#3 PrincessPeach

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:00 PM

I don't want to sound horrible, but is it possible that there was mental illness at play?

Just your comment about her crying to your dad about wanting to pack her bags & leave makes me think that maybe she just couldn't quite cope with the world.

Also my MIL's mother suffered from sever depression & she often tells stories similar to yours. He father & older half-siblings helped to raise her.

I don't have children yet (still trying!) - but I'd like to be the same type of parent as my mum, she was fair, but firm & also very consistent. As for my dad, well he is a very good example of what not to do, he loved us, but just really struggled to show it.

Edited by PrincessPeach, 18 February 2013 - 02:03 PM.


#4 girltribe4

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:00 PM

I really hope not but I do still ''see'' her in me sometimes and it's scary sad.gif

#5 ellebelle

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:02 PM

OP - once you have a child of your own you wonder why it was so hard for your parent don't you? It's their issue though...not yours...enjoy your babies!


#6 Z-girls rock

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:02 PM

I dont have children yet so I dont know what type of mum I will be. I plan to be a good one (LOL!)

my family: the nuclear type. 2 parents, 2 kids. 1 boy, 1 girl. My mum worked from the time I was at school. My brother and I did not get along. I think HE was difficult (LOL). My parents argued a lot - to the point that my brother and I thought they should divorce.but they didnt. they still argue - now I think they enjoy to live that way. My grandma moved in with us when I was a teenager so we became an inter-generational family.

My mother: she is the girl with the curl in her forehead. when she is good she is good - when she is bad - she is horrid!

by that I mean she was often very friendly and loving. Filled me with ideas about empowerment and achivement.

but if she was angry at me (or anyone in our family) she would be horrible and really go for the jugular. She would tell me I was ugly and that no-one SHOULD like me and be my friend because I was such a horrible person etc etc.
She would get angry very quickly. Over very small things.

we are ok now. but she was hard to live with. I dont have the same marriage as her. My husband and I dont argue very often. When we do we never resort to saying mean things about each other. this is not because either he or I are saints - it is because we dont want to have a horrible marriage. So I think I wont be the same type of mother as her. I think patterns can be broken.

that said - I wouldnt mind being like my mum on her good days - her good days were good.

#7 stressnless9

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:04 PM

I really believe theres something wrong with her (mentally), she would never admit it or try to get help for it though. shes too busy thinking she has cancer and every other diease!!

#8 Natttmumm

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:07 PM

My mum was/is a very caring loving parent and I couldn't have had a better mother. I do try to follow her examples as she did a great job.
I sometimes find it hard to be as calm, patient and selfless as she was. I hope my kids think I do a good job too. I try

#9 KnightsofNi

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:09 PM

There is not one ounce of my mother's parenting in the way I parent.

My mother chose to ignore my step father abusing me. I would not knowingly let any harm ever happen to my children. I would never let my children be abused to maintain a relationship with an a*s*hole.

I am loving, caring, affectionate and protective. My mother was the opposite.

#10 stressnless9

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:10 PM

QUOTE (ellebelle @ 18/02/2013, 02:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OP - once you have a child of your own you wonder why it was so hard for your parent don't you? It's their issue though...not yours...enjoy your babies!



YES!!! loving, and showing them i love them is the easiest thing in the world to do! thank you - something thats very hard to do is let it be her issue, but i have to do that because these babies are just too awesome to spent a moment of time worrying about her when im always the furthest thing from her mind!!

#11 Theboys&me

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:31 PM

Wow, some of your mothers traits are very, very similar to my own mums. I thought you were my sister posting about our mum.
Google narcissism. It is a personality disorder and it fits with a lot of what you said about your mum. My mum definitely has it, although I've only just realised just how bad she was as a mum since having my own bub.
I'm spending a lot of time thinking about my childhood and the way my mum treated her kids and my dad. My  sisters and I have all suffered depression and anxiety as well. I'm still battling severe PND as a result of severe stress and anxiety which I've always had.
Oh and if I've got a head ache, my mum has a brain tumour. No one can be worse off than her. she also never gave us encouragement, everything was too hard, she gave us no support, likes to "save everyone" but her family come second place. She threatened to leave my dad more times than I can remember as a child.  I distinctly remember her telling my dad she was going to drop us kids off at the orphanage one night.
I do not ever want to parent like her and unfortunately on my bad PND days, I do sound and act like her and I hate it so much sad.gif .im ver much trying to be a very loving and involved mother to my Bub.

#12 Cranky Kitten

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:33 PM

I'm sorry for what your mother put you through OP - you are in no way overparenting or spoiling your kids by showing that you care for them and love them. You are giving them exactly what they need, showing them that they are valued.

I have a similar story, where my mother was distant and largely unavailable to me as a child. We're better now, but that has taken many years of struggle on my part to accept her the way she is, and to recognise the ways she shows that she does care. Sadly during my childhood it meant that she didn't recognise the signs that I was being abused by my father (who I lived with as they were divorced) and I didn't feel as if I could tell her, didn't feel as though she would care.

I choose not to perpetuate that cycle. I choose to show my children that I am there for them, that I will fight for them and protect them. That there is nothing that they cannot tell me. I tell them that I love them and spend time with them because I enjoy it.

#13 TheGreenSheep

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:36 PM


Their are apects of my personality and parenting style that I see are that of my mother.

Other areas we are polar opposites. I watched my mother drink everyday of my life. And my father. And smoke cigs... And she didnt cope with the big areas of life in general. And then there was the neglect.

I made choices when I became a parent never to let my children see and judge me the way I did my mother. My children know everyday that they are loved and valued in our lives.

She did what I never believed she would do. I knew she loved alcohol more than us.  And when she gave up alcohol overnight I got my mother back. Too late. We have come along way and I am better friends with her than a typical mother/daughter relationship.

#14 stressnless9

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:44 PM

QUOTE (Theboys&me @ 18/02/2013, 02:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow, some of your mothers traits are very, very similar to my own mums. I thought you were my sister posting about our mum.
Google narcissism. It is a personality disorder and it fits with a lot of what you said about your mum. My mum definitely has it, although I've only just realised just how bad she was as a mum since having my own bub.
I'm spending a lot of time thinking about my childhood and the way my mum treated her kids and my dad. My sisters and I have all suffered depression and anxiety as well. I'm still battling severe PND as a result of severe stress and anxiety which I've always had.
Oh and if I've got a head ache, my mum has a brain tumour. No one can be worse off than her. she also never gave us encouragement, everything was too hard, she gave us no support, likes to "save everyone" but her family come second place. She threatened to leave my dad more times than I can remember as a child. I distinctly remember her telling my dad she was going to drop us kids off at the orphanage one night.
I do not ever want to parent like her and unfortunately on my bad PND days, I do sound and act like her and I hate it so much sad.gif .im ver much trying to be a very loving and involved mother to my Bub.



Yep mum is the same, no matter what is bothering me im always cut off and she tells me how much worse off she is. I say bub didnt sleep last few nights she will say oh yeah well try doing that with 5 kids!!!

Sometimes i wonder if i should just cut her out of my life because she brings me down everytime. I know if i ever told her she may need some kind of help she wouldnt speak to me for the next year at least anyway.

i also had a hard time after bub was born, i have anxiety that i was on medication for for 6 months until i decided to get off them and try and fix the real problems......still getting there.

#15 stressnless9

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:48 PM

QUOTE (Cranky Kitten @ 18/02/2013, 02:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm sorry for what your mother put you through OP - you are in no way overparenting or spoiling your kids by showing that you care for them and love them. You are giving them exactly what they need, showing them that they are valued.

I have a similar story, where my mother was distant and largely unavailable to me as a child. We're better now, but that has taken many years of struggle on my part to accept her the way she is, and to recognise the ways she shows that she does care. Sadly during my childhood it meant that she didn't recognise the signs that I was being abused by my father (who I lived with as they were divorced) and I didn't feel as if I could tell her, didn't feel as though she would care.

I choose not to perpetuate that cycle. I choose to show my children that I am there for them, that I will fight for them and protect them. That there is nothing that they cannot tell me. I tell them that I love them and spend time with them because I enjoy it.


Im so sorry you had to go through that :-(

#16 2anewme

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:51 PM

I do not parent the way that my mother did.  My mother was/is weak and had no self esteem.  She let my abusive alcoholic father beat us and her into oblivion.  

There is no way that I will put my children through what she allowed us to live through.

Part of me pities her for not having the courage to walk away.  I promised myself that I would never be weak like her.

My mother always used to tell me that "everyone else was strange and we were the normal ones"  I believed her for a very long time....then I grew up and saw how other families behaved.  

That was a real eye opener.

So no, I will never be the type of mother to my children that my mother was to me.


#17 SlinkyMalinki

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:51 PM

My mum did a great job, but being a SAHM was kind of her whole life - she never went back to work after I was born (I was an only child too), and I need way more "me time".

Mum did lots of taxiing me around to lots of activities, and I never had to do a chore in my life til I moved out, and was always available to help with school stuff, or ballet stuff, etc.

(FWIW I am SAHP for the time being, but I'm also studying, regularly try and make time for friends, have interests outside the kids). I'd like my kids to be a bit more independent than I was.

Similarities - I'm also big on extra-currircular activities, we're both clean freaks, both slightly anxious personalities.

Edited by SlinkyMalinki, 18 February 2013 - 02:53 PM.


#18 Kiki M

Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:55 PM

I couldn't ask for a better mother. She is kind, patient, generous and so loving, not only to her children but to her whole community. If she has a fault, it's that she coddled my brother and I and did everything for us, to her detriment. My father died when I was nine, so I guess my mum felt like she had to be both parents. She is also a bit of a worrier.

The main way I am like my mother is that I give DD plenty of cuddles, "I love yous" etc. But I am much firmer in drawing a line, I protect time for myself and I don't mollycoddle DD. She is quite an independent child, even at two, so I don't think she would stand for it.

I can hope to be as good a mother as my own mum, because my brother an I have turned out pretty well; I know I will never be as good a person though.

#19 Soontobegran

Posted 18 February 2013 - 03:11 PM

Sorry about your experience OP sad.gif

I parent completely differently to my mother, my mother parented as most 50's mothers did, she was typical of her generation so I do not judge her negatively even though I decided I would be different.
Many of our parents parented the best way they know how, they are victims of circumstance too.

There was definitely more of a 'spare the rod, spoil the child' attitude back then, there was definitely more of a divide between adults and children but I never for one minute doubted their love for me or my siblings. There are very happy memories of hugs, cuddles and story times mixed in with quite firm discipline.

They were very much committed to our education and our out of school activities, we never went without despite the fact that money was definitely more of an issue for then than for us.

The only regret I really have is that I did feel very much under the pump to achieve for their sakes rather than my own and that the words 'I love you' were said but way less frequently than I felt was enough.


#20 bokchok

Posted 18 February 2013 - 03:21 PM

lets say I too learnt how not to parent. in a big way. I feared becoming a mom worrying I would be like her but I am not

however, she is a great grandparent and I think she buries the past to maintain sanity by not remembering the things she did

#21 Foogle

Posted 18 February 2013 - 03:24 PM

QUOTE
Part of me pities her for not having the courage to walk away. I promised myself that I would never be weak like her.

A double-edged sword if there ever was one.

My mother did walk away but she left her children to battle for themselves in god-awful circumstances.

Granted, my father (and his barrister) were formidable opponents in the court system of the '70s which did not look too kindly on a deserting wife and mother.  

Still, she could have tried a bit harder I feel.  unsure.gif

Cue the children's home (that was joy - not). Happy to see the wreckers ball go through it after the Chch earthquakes. If they had asked for volunteers I would have been first in line to hit the button to release that demolition ball.  Alas they didn't.  

The point is, and I have learned (re-learned) this over the years, I think our parents did the best they knew how at the time.  And the cynic in me now says 'and that wasn't much'.

But still, you can't hold on to that.  You can only experience, remember and try not to repeat whilst continue to move forward.  It's how we learn I suppose.  And hopefully for the better. original.gif



#22 FeralSqueakyBee

Posted 18 February 2013 - 04:13 PM

My mum isn't always the best parent, but that's due in large part to her upbringing. Her parents despised each other, but stayed together "for the kids", so that she and her brother got to witness screaming matches and things being thrown and broken.

She's always had trouble controlling her temper, which I think is part due to mental health issues and partly due to the influence of her parents' fights.

But, aside from that, she is an endlessly caring woman who always has something nice to say. She's super friendly to nearly everyone (except for some petty grudges against people back in my younger days).

She could be overprotective at times, which could (and still can) be very frustrating for an independent person, but that came from a place of love.

I won't really know what kind of parent I am until Munchkin gets here. I don't want to be the same parent that she was, striking out in anger and reacting to things without thinking through the consequences. Luckily I'm far more like my father who is calm, patient and thinks before acting.

But in the love and caring stakes, I cannot fault my mum. She's always wanted the best for me, so despite the issues I'm grateful for what I've learned from her - the good and the bad.

#23 RealityBites

Posted 18 February 2013 - 04:24 PM

I can see my mother in myself with my relationship with DD1, and with DD1's relationship now with DD2! A lack of affection, I guess, but now I understand that it is not always the parent's fault. I fell wholeheartedly in love with my DD2, but have always struggled to bond with DD1 - I just wasn't ready to have children at the time, I think, and in the early days I looked after her because she needed someone to look after her, not because I loved her. My mum had me at 21 after struggling with toxemia (eclampsia) and a premature emergency caesar; I had HG and a horrendous birth with DD1.

For other family stuff, I definitely try to learn from my parents' mistakes. Although I'm not perfect.

#24 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 18 February 2013 - 04:25 PM

I will try to be the type of mother my mother was.

She was great.

She was older, and smarter, and calmer and wiser than any of the mothers I saw around me and if I can do half the job she did I would feel like I'd done a good one.

My heart goes out to those of you who had a crummy childhood.

#25 Beancat

Posted 18 February 2013 - 04:37 PM

argh, just deleted what I wrote.  Cant be bothered rewritting it, but essentially my mother was kind and had good intentions, loved me and very much wanted children.  her words to me hours before she died were "I wanted you so much"

The problem was (due to her own issues with her mother and her upbringing) she suffered from depression, anxiety and OCD.  This was never diagnosed and consequently not treated (I only know this now after speaking with my own psych at length).

As a consequence day to day she was difficult to live with and at times my life was hell.  She was moody, demanding, inconsistent, drank too much and had completely unreasonable expectations on my sister and I.  My brother on the other hand was the golden child.  She wanted the best for us, but it was what she considered the best.  We had little say in anything.  She was a massive control freak, eg I recall her still deciding what I would wear when I was in year 8.  When I was in junior high school we moved out to the country.  She would consistently say she had done this so we didnt have access to wag our butts around town like sl%^ts.  WE were made to feel guilty about money being spent on us and for the whole of my secondary schooling she blackmailed me that she would pull me out of the private school I was at if my grades were not good enough (ie As).  Effort was not rewarded, only results.

I also feel had she not passed away her and Dad would have separated by now.  She was argumentative and manipulative with him also.

I look at the good intentions she had forus and I take those on board for my own kids.  But in terms of the controlling and manipulation  - there is now way I will go down that path




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Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
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