Jump to content

eeekkk! Was I rude?


  • Please log in to reply
45 replies to this topic

#1 it'stime

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:39 PM

I received a text a week ago from a friend inviting me and others out to dinner for her birthday.

There were 6 of us in attendance, I didn't know anyone else.

Now in my friendship group usually this means we pay our own way and don't do presents. The fact that the meal has been paid for is usually the present. Mostly we all pay a bit extra and cover the birthday girl.

When I got there everyone but me had a gift. A nice big one! It was quite obvious I was the only one that didn't have anything. I felt royally cheap when she opened them all in front of us.

So EB what is the expectation? Would you expect a gift at a casual dinner where people pay their own way anyway? Or do you only do gifts at a proper catered event?

(can we exclude close friends and family here as I always purchase them gifts anyway)


#2 Quirk

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:41 PM

I'm not sure how enjoying a nice meal out could be seen as a birthday gift, aren't you the only person that benefits from that?  unsure.gif

#3 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:44 PM

QUOTE (Quirk @ 17/02/2013, 03:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not sure how enjoying a nice meal out could be seen as a birthday gift, aren't you the only person that benefits from that?  unsure.gif



The guests paid for the birthday girls' dinner I believe. If the group usually don't do gifts I don't think you have been rude at all.

#4 It'sjust_me

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:44 PM

I would still buy a gift regardless of having to pay for my own meal. Otherwise, how is it different from any other time you go out for dinner? I go out to dinner with my friends regularly so this would be no different going for their birthday if we didnt get them a gift....

If you all chipped in for the birthday girls dinner then that is nice, but there are still 6 of you, so I wouldn't imagine it would cost all that much anyway, which is why I would still buy a gift, especially if they are a close friend...

Edited by Ifonlyyouknew..., 17 February 2013 - 02:46 PM.


#5 FeralHez

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:44 PM

I would have made the same 'mistake' OP

If we go out for dinner/drinks I will buy the birthday girl/guy a drink or two. I don't expect gifts from my friends these days (although one or two sweet ones still do it)

#6 B.feral3

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:45 PM

PP, I would have thought the same as you. In my circle grown ups don't receive or expect gifts. Going out as a group is the norm.

#7 GamerMum

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:45 PM

I never expect gifts from anyone, but I usually give them. Even if it's something small, or even a card.

I've had a few birthday dinners, and never received anything, whether the meal is paid for or not. I've also been the only one to bring a gift a few times.

I wouldn't have a clue what the "done" thing is.

#8 it'stime

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:48 PM

QUOTE (Quirk @ 17/02/2013, 02:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not sure how enjoying a nice meal out could be seen as a birthday gift, aren't you the only person that benefits from that?  unsure.gif


Yes but usually we pay for the birthday persons meal. To be honest at my age I don't really expect a present, I'm just happy to have a catch up with friends.


#9 envs

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:49 PM

For me, and the way I was brought up, you treat invitations out as if you were inviting people to your home;

If you are doing the inviting for your own occasion, you pay for everyone...usually people bring gifts if it's your birthday. If it's a group of friends getting together for your birthday and you don't do the inviting/initiation, everyone pays for themselves, and they also usually bring a gift, as well as have the meal paid for.

Otherwise, as some pp'er said, it's not really a celebration if the birthday person doesn't get a gift...that's just going out for dinner.

Btw we don't ever actually expect presents, but I'm coming from the perspective that I socialize a lot with extended family rather than non-relatives

Edited by envs, 17 February 2013 - 02:56 PM.


#10 BrookeAry

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:50 PM

I usually go flowers if I'm not sure! I would never expect gift from friends at a b'day dinner.

#11 Quirk

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:52 PM

I get what you're saying regarding paying for your friends dinner, but that between 6 would only be $10 tops.

Maybe as you don't know the other friends that were there, that this is just something they do in their circle, so I wouldn't think of you as rude, as you obviously weren't aware.

#12 katniss

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:54 PM

I'm sure gifts weren't expected but some people still like to buy gifts anyway. I'm sure the birthday girl hasn't thought anything of it.

I generally expect to pay my own way to a dinner invite so no, I wouldn't think that is the gift.

#13 ~Mo+Moosh~

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:55 PM

I sometimes might do a present but it certainly isn't a given. If in the days leading up to the dinner I happen to come across the perfect something for the birthday person then I'd probably get it but I'm unlikely to go out of my way to do so. I really love giving presents when there is no expectation.

I know my friends would not be disappointed if they didn't get a present from me, they really just enjoy coming together for good food and a laugh. The birthday is often just a good excuse to bring together a group of busy people.



#14 Peevish

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:00 PM

I don't think you were rude. Obviously in her circle of friends it is the norm to take a gift. Awkward for you but I can't see this as an issue among friends.
Personally, I don't judge rudeness on whether or not someone gives me a present on my birthday (husband excluded!). And I would much rather a person made time to spend with me on my birthday than give me a present.

#15 BadCat

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:07 PM

Not rude.

I wouldn't have taken a gift either.  We tend to count the get together as the gift.

#16 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:07 PM

We always buy gifts for the birthday person and pay our own way when we have group birthday dinners.

#17 JustBeige

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:08 PM

QUOTE (Peevish @ 17/02/2013, 04:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't think you were rude. Obviously in her circle of friends it is the norm to take a gift. Awkward for you but I can't see this as an issue among friends.
Personally, I don't judge rudeness on whether or not someone gives me a present on my birthday (husband excluded!). And I would much rather a person made time to spend with me on my birthday than give me a present.

Yep exactly this.



#18 againagain

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:08 PM

I don't think it's rude, I would have had the same thing happen. We (group of friends and myself) often go out to dinner for birthdays, whoever is having the birthday generally texts people to say come along. We have a few wines, nice meal and maybe a card. No presents.

I don't get people saying that your share of the birthday girls dinner is only $10 therefore it wouldn't count or is stingey?? What's your price then?

I kind of hate getting presents as an adult, usually people give you candles or something that clutters up the house. I'd rather jus the dinner and drinks thanks.

ETA to make more sense! (Hopefully...)

Edited by againagain, 17 February 2013 - 03:10 PM.


#19 epl0822

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:08 PM

It's lame to keep note of who gave and who didn't. I'd like to think my friends and I are at an age where nobody cares if somebody or everybody doesn't bring a gift.

#20 ms flib

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:14 PM

I would give something small but there shouldn't be an expectation - especially when you account for the cost of dinner.

#21 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:24 PM

In my circle we don't normally do gifts unless its a big birthday (30/40) or a catered/home event.  Sometimes something small if you see the perfect thing or someone's been having a hard time.

#22 tazcan

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:41 PM

I think it's really weird to give a gift to an adult friend for their birthday - I wouldn't expect one for myself and wouldn't think of giving one to someone else (apart from my parents and maybe my siblings). I think an adult expecting a gift from a friend is quite childish and self-indulgent so I don't think your friend would have expected one. I would however love to use of the excuse of my birthday to catch up for dinner with some good friends.

#23 -Emissary-

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:42 PM


I don't think you were rude. I've done the same in the past depending on how close I am with the birthday person.

If I was extremely close to the birthday person, I would have bought a gift as well as paid for dinner.

#24 Guest_Dinah_Harris_*

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:44 PM

I don't know anyone over the age of 21 who routinely gives, receives or expects birthday presents. (Apart from one's significant other.).  So I don't think you we're rude.  



#25 MissingInAction

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:46 PM

YOu weren't rude.  You were doing what your group of friends normally does... except this time you got caught out cos the rules changed without you knowing sad.gif

In that situation, I would've told a white lie and said that you left the present at home as you didn't want her to have to lug it around in town and will give it to her later.... and then quickly go and buy a gift and have it ready to give her next time you see her.

ETA:  unless you're under 21 or it's a big birthday party 30, 40, etc it's rude to EXPECT gifts.
They're nice though.  But it would be weird to expect them.  Hmm... so maybe don't get a gift and don't worry about it.  Unless it was her 30th or something. Ahh im no good at this.

Edited by MissingInAction, 17 February 2013 - 03:48 PM.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Abbott's childcare changes will 'reduce access and add complexity'

The government's childcare assistance package threatens to confuse and intimidate many parents, experts say.

Be careful what you wish for

Remember that chubby little baby who rocked on all fours? Remember how you wished he would start to crawl? Then remember how you felt once he did?

William Tyrrell's parents plead for information as anniversary looms

As the one-year anniversary of William Tyrrell's disappearance draws near, the missing four-year-old's parents have again pleaded with the public for information that could help bring their son home.

Family sleepovers: a tribute to my 1970s childhood

My memories of those nights in my childhood are all about fun: sleepover excitement, staying up late, watching movies we probably weren't supposed to watch ... freedom.

43 minutes of terror: family's agonising wait for ambulance for toddler

It was terrifying. As the minutes ticked by little Cooper Harrison's parents felt more and more frantic.

What not to say to a new mum

Some phrases just pop out before you really think about them, but there are some things you should try to not say to a new mum.

Mummydesking: the new hotdesking

It is a paradise that only working parents of small children can understand: a place to sit for three hours without any interruptions while someone looks after the kids.

Charlize Theron adopts baby girl

A few months after splitting from Sean Penn, the actress Charlize Theron has adopted a baby girl.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg shares painful truth behind wife's pregnancy

Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg has shared a brutally honest truth about pregnancy in the hope it will help others through dark periods.  

Sugary drinks blamed for removal of toddlers' rotten teeth

Children as young as 18 months are having multiple rotten teeth pulled out as parents feed toddlers soft drinks through sipper bottles, and chocolate biscuits and Milo as bedtime treats.

Mum accidentally fake tans baby

Many of us have fallen foul of a bad fake tan or two, but this little guy's started a bit earlier than most.

Does this three-month-old say 'I love you'?

YouTube user Ted Moskalenko was filmed by his wife, Michelle, as his baby son, Ben, engaged in some baby chat.

Kids break out of daycare centre, cross busy highway

Two children broke out of an early childhood centre and wandered across a four-lane road.

Why I'm glad to be an indulgent granny

The phone calls started a couple of weeks ago. At about 5.30 each evening - if I am lucky - I will be greeted by a sweet, excited voice declaring: "'Allo Annie".

Newborn found in toilet at German airport

A newborn baby found abandoned and extremely ill in a bathroom in the Munich airport is doing well.

Is this the worst relationship advice ever published?

You sometimes have to wonder whether relationship/sex advice from magazines is designed to help or humiliate.

How you talk to your baby now can impact social skills later

People used to think that social skills were something kids were born with, not taught.

Three truths about C-section mums

Lately I've been thinking about the caesarean stories and the brave women who birth their children with strength and beauty.

Scientists predict when you should start a family

Scientists have calculated at exactly what age you need to start trying to get pregnant to have the best chance of realising your dream. 

Differently abled child

When 'protecting' a child is really a cover for judgement

Why are people so concerned for this happy child and his mother?

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

When toddlers have strange obsessions

When it comes to two-year-olds and birthday cakes there are a few requests that are usually at the top of the list. But a cake featuring a local personal injury lawyer?

When Mama Bear strikes

When we become mums, our instinct to protect our children and keep them safe from harm is so strong we're often likened to a Mama Bear protecting her cubs.  

Immunity boosters for kids

There are no guaranteed ways to avoid the dreaded winter illnesses completely, but there are ways we can boost our children's immunity.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Mum shares portrait of her proudly breastfeeding three-year-old

Jade Beall usually chooses to breastfeed her son, now 3, in private. This week, however, she shared portraits of her breastfeeding her preschooler.

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.