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The same argument - over and over

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#1 winterlove

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:02 PM

It seems that every time I speak to my husband about certain issues we have same argument. For us it is where we are going to buy a house in Sydney. My husband likes one suburb but I am not sure. Every time we discuss it - it turns into a heated discussion and then we put it off for a couple of weeks - only to return to it weeks down the track with the same result. We are running out of time to decide before my son starts school.

Just wondering if others have the same experience? If so, did you manage to resolve it or did you have to see a therapist?

#2 sedawson

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:09 PM

A good relationship therapist can be a godsend. Go see one with a specific goal in mind and explain that you just need a mediator to negotiate the issue. Why not? It's their job to help people communicate better. If you aren't getting anywhere on your own, you need help making progress.

#3 Dowager fancie

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:12 PM

Buy where you can afford.  

Now that that is settled ...


#4 happening

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.

We moved a few weeks ago and so far, it's all good.

Compromise -  it's all about compromise.

Why does he feel so strongly about one suburb and you another?  There are probably other issues  than postcode going on.

#5 JustBeige

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

Yes we did.

What we did was put both place on the table for consideration and each side had to investigate schools, hospitals, shops, people, crime rates, costs of housing, council costs and general infastructure .

Then we 'visited' both areas a lot.  Went for dinners out that way, wandered shopping centres etc.

We did this to get a sense of the place and the areas we were looking at.

We also agreed we werent going to argue about it, just list out the pros and cons and talk through them

#6 Marchioness Flea

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.

#7 HRH Countrymel

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

The trouble with having the same argument over and over is that it is always exactly the same argument.

You both know your roles and you slip neatly into them immediately.

As this is something you HAVE to resolve, not something you can agree to 'never speak of again' then you are going to lay down some rules as to how to have the discussion.

Get him to write 5 things you are not allowed to say and you write 5 for him.

Then sit down and try and have the conversation... the verboten words are not to be mentioned, hopefully if you reframe the argument you might have a better chance of hearing each other out.

If not then try a different way of reframing.. and another... et. al.

Good luck!

#8 sophiasmum

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:59 PM

What suburbs are you talking about?

I wanted to stay in our old area, but I also wanted a 3rd child & knew we couldn't afford somewhere bigger there. So the opportunity came up to buy bigger house (ie. more bedrooms) & bigger land in a suburb 10 mins away (but miles away as far as culture goes). The old was young & hip, the new is old & family oriented. So I gave up in the end & relented. Took a year for me to get used to it, but now after some years of renovating we have a great house on a great plot of land in a great suburb & 3 children to enjoy it with.

#9 winterlove

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:40 PM

Thanks everyone for your suggestions regarding choosing a suburb. Sorry about the belated reply but did not want type it out when my husband was around. Since the post I have actually started watching a show about couples that argue on ABC and this has got me thinking about our argument style - trying to see things from his point of view more.

sedawson, I think I will get a therapist to mediate.

happening and JustBeige, glad to hear we are not alone in our suburb arguments.

#10 Mozzie1

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:56 PM

QUOTE (Jenflea @ 17/02/2013, 03:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.

Are you for real? Beaches, parks, cafes, transport, pubs, commuting distance, type of people that live there (families, retirees, dinks), schools, hospitals, size of blocks, bicycle paths, views etc... can make a massive difference to your quality of life.

#11 Magnus

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:15 PM

Maybe you need to look at the value clashes behind deciding on a suburb? Is it that he is aspirational so wants to live in a particular area, for example, or is that you want to be close to other people of the same religion? Does he want to live somewhere very conservative, whilst you prefer a more progressive seeming area? Maybe if you find out the core values behind the choices, you could try to make decisions directly based on those, rather than seemingly on gut feelings.

(Obviously you need to list the practicalities as well).

Is there room to compromise? I'd imagine if he wanted Sutherland Shire and you wanted inner west then you might be able to live in Rockdale, Arncliffe or Kogarah and be close to both.

If he really wanted northen beaches, but you don't want to be so far north, then I'd imagine you could compromise and say that you're happy to let him have the beach, but you want to be somewhere closer in to the city.

Maybe try to find a few largish areas you think you could be happy with and look at houses in those areas and you might find somewhere unexpected that surprises you.

#12 Sui-yat

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:30 PM

OP, I am in a similar situation. My partner and I meet in the suburb in which we currently live and both love it here but one day we will outgrow our current home and need to move. Unfortunately, we are unlikely to find a home that meets our criteria in this area.

The problem is we grew up in opposite ends of Sydney and have different ideas about what would be a good area to raise our children. Our families also live in opposite ends of Sydney and at the moment we are in the middle. For now, we just avoid this conversation because we still have a few years before we will need to move.

I like JustBeige's suggestion of researching and visiting different areas. In the end, you might find a house you both love and one of you won't mind compromising on the area.

#13 ceeshell

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:58 PM

We had a very similar problem, we ended up engaging a buyers agent who showed us houses that met our criteria and budget all across Sydney. We ended up finding a great house in a suburb neither of us had really considered.

#14 Mpjp is feral

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:06 PM

QUOTE (happening @ 17/02/2013, 03:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.

Hey, there are some grown ups in these suburbs you know!!!

#15 Redgumhoney

Posted 24 February 2013 - 07:21 PM

Buying a house is a very big commitment, it needs to be right for both of you. Could you possibly rent a place in the suburb you are considering for six months and then you will really know for sure if you are happy there or not. I did this with hubbie, and am so glad, because the suburb we were considering we both ended up wanting to get out after one year! I know your sons school is important but you have to weigh up the cost for the whole family lifestyle.

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