Jump to content

The same argument - over and over


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 winterlove

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:02 PM

It seems that every time I speak to my husband about certain issues we have same argument. For us it is where we are going to buy a house in Sydney. My husband likes one suburb but I am not sure. Every time we discuss it - it turns into a heated discussion and then we put it off for a couple of weeks - only to return to it weeks down the track with the same result. We are running out of time to decide before my son starts school.

Just wondering if others have the same experience? If so, did you manage to resolve it or did you have to see a therapist?

#2 sedawson

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:09 PM

A good relationship therapist can be a godsend. Go see one with a specific goal in mind and explain that you just need a mediator to negotiate the issue. Why not? It's their job to help people communicate better. If you aren't getting anywhere on your own, you need help making progress.

#3 fancie

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:12 PM



Buy where you can afford.  

Now that that is settled ...


Next!


#4 happening

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.

We moved a few weeks ago and so far, it's all good.

Compromise -  it's all about compromise.

Why does he feel so strongly about one suburb and you another?  There are probably other issues  than postcode going on.

#5 JustBeige

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

Yes we did.

What we did was put both place on the table for consideration and each side had to investigate schools, hospitals, shops, people, crime rates, costs of housing, council costs and general infastructure .

Then we 'visited' both areas a lot.  Went for dinners out that way, wandered shopping centres etc.

We did this to get a sense of the place and the areas we were looking at.

We also agreed we werent going to argue about it, just list out the pros and cons and talk through them

#6 Jenferal

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.

#7 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

The trouble with having the same argument over and over is that it is always exactly the same argument.

You both know your roles and you slip neatly into them immediately.

As this is something you HAVE to resolve, not something you can agree to 'never speak of again' then you are going to lay down some rules as to how to have the discussion.

Get him to write 5 things you are not allowed to say and you write 5 for him.

Then sit down and try and have the conversation... the verboten words are not to be mentioned, hopefully if you reframe the argument you might have a better chance of hearing each other out.

If not then try a different way of reframing.. and another... et. al.

Good luck!

#8 sophiasmum

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:59 PM

What suburbs are you talking about?

I wanted to stay in our old area, but I also wanted a 3rd child & knew we couldn't afford somewhere bigger there. So the opportunity came up to buy bigger house (ie. more bedrooms) & bigger land in a suburb 10 mins away (but miles away as far as culture goes). The old was young & hip, the new is old & family oriented. So I gave up in the end & relented. Took a year for me to get used to it, but now after some years of renovating we have a great house on a great plot of land in a great suburb & 3 children to enjoy it with.

#9 winterlove

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:40 PM

Thanks everyone for your suggestions regarding choosing a suburb. Sorry about the belated reply but did not want type it out when my husband was around. Since the post I have actually started watching a show about couples that argue on ABC and this has got me thinking about our argument style - trying to see things from his point of view more.

sedawson, I think I will get a therapist to mediate.

happening and JustBeige, glad to hear we are not alone in our suburb arguments.

#10 Feral Mozzie

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:56 PM

QUOTE (Jenflea @ 17/02/2013, 03:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.


Are you for real? Beaches, parks, cafes, transport, pubs, commuting distance, type of people that live there (families, retirees, dinks), schools, hospitals, size of blocks, bicycle paths, views etc... can make a massive difference to your quality of life.

#11 Magnus

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:15 PM

Maybe you need to look at the value clashes behind deciding on a suburb? Is it that he is aspirational so wants to live in a particular area, for example, or is that you want to be close to other people of the same religion? Does he want to live somewhere very conservative, whilst you prefer a more progressive seeming area? Maybe if you find out the core values behind the choices, you could try to make decisions directly based on those, rather than seemingly on gut feelings.

(Obviously you need to list the practicalities as well).

Is there room to compromise? I'd imagine if he wanted Sutherland Shire and you wanted inner west then you might be able to live in Rockdale, Arncliffe or Kogarah and be close to both.

If he really wanted northen beaches, but you don't want to be so far north, then I'd imagine you could compromise and say that you're happy to let him have the beach, but you want to be somewhere closer in to the city.

Maybe try to find a few largish areas you think you could be happy with and look at houses in those areas and you might find somewhere unexpected that surprises you.

#12 Sui-yat

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:30 PM

OP, I am in a similar situation. My partner and I meet in the suburb in which we currently live and both love it here but one day we will outgrow our current home and need to move. Unfortunately, we are unlikely to find a home that meets our criteria in this area.

The problem is we grew up in opposite ends of Sydney and have different ideas about what would be a good area to raise our children. Our families also live in opposite ends of Sydney and at the moment we are in the middle. For now, we just avoid this conversation because we still have a few years before we will need to move.

I like JustBeige's suggestion of researching and visiting different areas. In the end, you might find a house you both love and one of you won't mind compromising on the area.


#13 ceeshell

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:58 PM

We had a very similar problem, we ended up engaging a buyers agent who showed us houses that met our criteria and budget all across Sydney. We ended up finding a great house in a suburb neither of us had really considered.

#14 Mpjp is feral

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:06 PM

QUOTE (happening @ 17/02/2013, 03:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.


Hey, there are some grown ups in these suburbs you know!!!

#15 Redgumhoney

Posted 24 February 2013 - 07:21 PM

Buying a house is a very big commitment, it needs to be right for both of you. Could you possibly rent a place in the suburb you are considering for six months and then you will really know for sure if you are happy there or not. I did this with hubbie, and am so glad, because the suburb we were considering we both ended up wanting to get out after one year! I know your sons school is important but you have to weigh up the cost for the whole family lifestyle.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Five-year-old shoots nine-month-old brother dead

A nine-month-old baby boy died on Monday after he was shot in the head by his five-year-old brother in their grandfather's home.

'Is that baby yours?'

She is my daughter. I gave birth to her. I nurse her. But she doesn't have any of my genes.

Episiotomy in childbirth: not just 'a little snip'

Episiotomies have a place in maternity care – and can occasionally save lives – but should not be performed routinely.

Toddler aggression not caused by language delays after all: study

The logic was that children who don’t have the language to fully express themselves will lash out when they’re misunderstood. Not anymore.

Why we chose to adopt a child with Down sydrome

Everyone in foster care (and really in life) has something that makes them more vulnerable. We just know what our son's is.

Object of desire

Curvy mums make clever babies

Scientists appear to have discovered why women have evolved to have more curves than men – shapely thighs and bottoms lead to healthier babies.

'We'll make sure they know how much she loved them'

A first-time mum will never get to hold her four newborns, dying shortly after giving birth to the quadruplets.

The baby names NZ knocked back in 2014

A New Zealander has tried to name their baby Senior Constable but didn't get away with it - and numbering children is also a no-no.

How can you go into labour without knowing you're pregnant?

For most of us, the idea that a woman could carry a child to full-term without knowing she is pregnant is mind-boggling.

Will you get to the hospital in time?

Worrying your baby will be delivered by the roadside is a common concern for many mothers-to-be. So how likely are you to be caught short?

Video: Funny 'Lips Are Moving' parody just for mums

Meghan Trainor's song 'Lips Are Moving' was already a hit, but now it's been turned into a hilarious parody that is set to be very popular with frustrated mums everywhere.

Out with the clutter

Decluttering by the numbers: take the 30-day challenge

Forget the 5:2 diet - Twitter's 30-day declutter challenge will have your house back in shape in no time (well, a month).

Parents, don't be too hard on yourselves

We need to stop damning parents of today, and embrace their appetite for knowledge instead.

Is my baby normal?

There are chubby Buddha babies and there are thin, smaller babies. Neither are right or wrong, they are all 'normal'.

When an older sibling starts school

When one child goes to ‘big school’ and leaves the other behind, it can cause deep upset. Here's how to make the transition easier.

Stray cat saves abandoned baby

They say dogs are man's best friend, but one cat has proven felines can be just as devoted to their human companions.

How strangers are helping a mum's wish come true after her death

A mum of five, Liz Marquez wanted to breastfeed her premmie son for a year. So when she passed away suddenly, her friends - and strangers - stepped in to help.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

Win with The Boxtrolls

To celebrate the release of The Boxtrolls on 3D Blu-ray, DVD & Digital with UltraViolet, we're giving you the chance to win a Boxtroll stationary package and DVD.

 

School Term 1

Get after-school care sorted

Wait lists too long at OSHC? Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.