Jump to content

The same argument - over and over


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 winterlove

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:02 PM

It seems that every time I speak to my husband about certain issues we have same argument. For us it is where we are going to buy a house in Sydney. My husband likes one suburb but I am not sure. Every time we discuss it - it turns into a heated discussion and then we put it off for a couple of weeks - only to return to it weeks down the track with the same result. We are running out of time to decide before my son starts school.

Just wondering if others have the same experience? If so, did you manage to resolve it or did you have to see a therapist?

#2 sedawson

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:09 PM

A good relationship therapist can be a godsend. Go see one with a specific goal in mind and explain that you just need a mediator to negotiate the issue. Why not? It's their job to help people communicate better. If you aren't getting anywhere on your own, you need help making progress.

#3 fancie

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:12 PM



Buy where you can afford.  

Now that that is settled ...


Next!


#4 happening

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.

We moved a few weeks ago and so far, it's all good.

Compromise -  it's all about compromise.

Why does he feel so strongly about one suburb and you another?  There are probably other issues  than postcode going on.

#5 JustBeige

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

Yes we did.

What we did was put both place on the table for consideration and each side had to investigate schools, hospitals, shops, people, crime rates, costs of housing, council costs and general infastructure .

Then we 'visited' both areas a lot.  Went for dinners out that way, wandered shopping centres etc.

We did this to get a sense of the place and the areas we were looking at.

We also agreed we werent going to argue about it, just list out the pros and cons and talk through them

#6 Jenferal

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.

#7 CountryFeral

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

The trouble with having the same argument over and over is that it is always exactly the same argument.

You both know your roles and you slip neatly into them immediately.

As this is something you HAVE to resolve, not something you can agree to 'never speak of again' then you are going to lay down some rules as to how to have the discussion.

Get him to write 5 things you are not allowed to say and you write 5 for him.

Then sit down and try and have the conversation... the verboten words are not to be mentioned, hopefully if you reframe the argument you might have a better chance of hearing each other out.

If not then try a different way of reframing.. and another... et. al.

Good luck!

#8 sophiasmum

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:59 PM

What suburbs are you talking about?

I wanted to stay in our old area, but I also wanted a 3rd child & knew we couldn't afford somewhere bigger there. So the opportunity came up to buy bigger house (ie. more bedrooms) & bigger land in a suburb 10 mins away (but miles away as far as culture goes). The old was young & hip, the new is old & family oriented. So I gave up in the end & relented. Took a year for me to get used to it, but now after some years of renovating we have a great house on a great plot of land in a great suburb & 3 children to enjoy it with.

#9 winterlove

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:40 PM

Thanks everyone for your suggestions regarding choosing a suburb. Sorry about the belated reply but did not want type it out when my husband was around. Since the post I have actually started watching a show about couples that argue on ABC and this has got me thinking about our argument style - trying to see things from his point of view more.

sedawson, I think I will get a therapist to mediate.

happening and JustBeige, glad to hear we are not alone in our suburb arguments.

#10 Feral Mozzie

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:56 PM

QUOTE (Jenflea @ 17/02/2013, 03:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.


Are you for real? Beaches, parks, cafes, transport, pubs, commuting distance, type of people that live there (families, retirees, dinks), schools, hospitals, size of blocks, bicycle paths, views etc... can make a massive difference to your quality of life.

#11 Magnus

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:15 PM

Maybe you need to look at the value clashes behind deciding on a suburb? Is it that he is aspirational so wants to live in a particular area, for example, or is that you want to be close to other people of the same religion? Does he want to live somewhere very conservative, whilst you prefer a more progressive seeming area? Maybe if you find out the core values behind the choices, you could try to make decisions directly based on those, rather than seemingly on gut feelings.

(Obviously you need to list the practicalities as well).

Is there room to compromise? I'd imagine if he wanted Sutherland Shire and you wanted inner west then you might be able to live in Rockdale, Arncliffe or Kogarah and be close to both.

If he really wanted northen beaches, but you don't want to be so far north, then I'd imagine you could compromise and say that you're happy to let him have the beach, but you want to be somewhere closer in to the city.

Maybe try to find a few largish areas you think you could be happy with and look at houses in those areas and you might find somewhere unexpected that surprises you.

#12 Sui-yat

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:30 PM

OP, I am in a similar situation. My partner and I meet in the suburb in which we currently live and both love it here but one day we will outgrow our current home and need to move. Unfortunately, we are unlikely to find a home that meets our criteria in this area.

The problem is we grew up in opposite ends of Sydney and have different ideas about what would be a good area to raise our children. Our families also live in opposite ends of Sydney and at the moment we are in the middle. For now, we just avoid this conversation because we still have a few years before we will need to move.

I like JustBeige's suggestion of researching and visiting different areas. In the end, you might find a house you both love and one of you won't mind compromising on the area.


#13 ceeshell

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:58 PM

We had a very similar problem, we ended up engaging a buyers agent who showed us houses that met our criteria and budget all across Sydney. We ended up finding a great house in a suburb neither of us had really considered.

#14 Mpjp is feral

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:06 PM

QUOTE (happening @ 17/02/2013, 03:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.


Hey, there are some grown ups in these suburbs you know!!!

#15 Redgumhoney

Posted 24 February 2013 - 07:21 PM

Buying a house is a very big commitment, it needs to be right for both of you. Could you possibly rent a place in the suburb you are considering for six months and then you will really know for sure if you are happy there or not. I did this with hubbie, and am so glad, because the suburb we were considering we both ended up wanting to get out after one year! I know your sons school is important but you have to weigh up the cost for the whole family lifestyle.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Clever panda fakes pregnancy

News that a giant panda was pregnant prompted much excitement, but it appears there were never any cubs on the way.

'I survived placenta percreta'

When writing her birth plan, Simone Pavil included an item most women wouldn?t even think about: what should happen if she was put on life support. The mum had the potentially fatal condition placenta accreta.

Managing personal space as a mum

In the midst of the early parenting years, our bodies and minds can seemingly be overtaken by our offspring. How can we balance our need for personal space with the needs of our children?

'If love could have saved you, you'd have never left'

The words "spontaneous abortion" on the hospital paperwork really got to me. My baby died; I didn't spontaneously decide to abort him.

15 classic Aussie ads

Watch some of the classic Australian ads of the 80s, 90s and 00s, and remember the catchphrases and jingles we all used to know so well ...

For and against

Should Blue Ivy have been at the VMAs?

Many were quick to condemn Beyonce and Jay Z after appearing on stage at the MTV Video Music Awards with their two-year-old daughter, but others thought it was a sweet family moment. What do you think?

Toddler attacked at gym creche

Two-year-old girl Eva Ness was left with a black eye and bite marks on her face and body after an altercation with an older child at a health club's child-minding facilities. Now her parents are calling for the centre to be closed.

Pregnancy a tricky matter of timing for FIFO couples

Manipulating rosters, coordinating 'conjugal' visits, working on site with your partner; getting pregnant can prove stressful for FIFO workers.

WIN a $100 RedBalloon for Dad

Enter now for your chance to win 1 of 5 $100 RedBalloon experience vouchers. Helping you make Dad's Day EXTRA HAPPY.

Carseats have twice as many germs as a toilet

Most parents know their child's carseat is not always squeaky clean, but they might not realise just how dirty it really is.

Doctors remove foetus from 'medical marvel' after 36 years

Doctors in India have removed the skeleton of a foetus that had been inside a woman for 36 years.

Nine months in six seconds: new parents' Vine clip a hit

We?ve seen some memorable time-lapse pregnancy and birth announcement videos before. Now one new couple has taken it to the extreme, capturing it all in just a six-second Vine video.

Sonia Kruger speaks of baby joy

Celebrity mum-to-be Sonia Kruger has spoken candidly about using donor eggs and IVF to fall pregnant at age 48.

Dressing to not impress: life through the eyes of a three-year-old

When it comes to getting dressed, my three-year-old has only one criterion: ?I don?t want to look beautiful.? And now I've worked out why.

Special nappies made with love for angel babies

Angel Baby Nappies make and provide tiny bereavement cloth nappies for pre-term stillborn babies and premature babies who pass away in the NICU.

Inside the brain of a tantruming toddler

What's going on in your child's mind in the lead-up to a tantrum? And what?s the best way to respond?

5 secrets to a long-lasting relationship

When it comes to keeping your relationship strong, it?s what you do - and not what you want - that really matters.

When 'furbabies' meet real babies

I am obsessed with my dogs, and can't imagine loving them any less once my baby arrives. But that doesn't stop everyone from telling me I will.

The least popular baby names of 2013

Looking for a baby name that?s nowhere near the top 10 ? or even the top 1000? Try the bottom five.

'I was so sleep deprived I crashed my car'

There are no laws regulating driving while tired, but statistics show that driver fatigue is one of the top three contributors to the road toll.

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

WIN a $100 RedBalloon for Dad

Enter now for your chance to win 1 of 5 $100 RedBalloon experience vouchers. Helping you make Dad's Day EXTRA HAPPY.

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Do you suffer from Precious Firstborn Syndrome?

Testing ?no more tears? shampoo in your own eyes, warming cucumber sticks so they're not cold straight from the fridge, waking a sleeping baby to check they?re still breathing: these are all symptoms of Precious Firstborn Syndrome.

Ezra's tragic death not in vain, mum says

Little Ezra was a "Harry Houdini" who loved trying to escape the family home. Now, after his tragic death, his parents are doing what they can to help others.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

Video: When adults act like children

Ever wondered what would happen if adults were allowed to act like children? This dad's hilarious video clip will give you an idea of what life would be like.

Mums hit hardest as flu cases skyrocket

The number of confirmed cases of influenza in Australia has doubled the number for the same time last year - and women are 25 per cent more likely to get it.

The mum who had four babies in nine months

Feeling exhausted due to the demands of caring for a baby? Imagine the life of this mum, who gave birth to three boys and one girl in just nine months.

Everything baby at Big W

Lowest prices on everything baby, only at Big W. Sale starts August 4 and ends August 20 2014.

Going viral

Weirdest pregnancy products

From pee stick keepers to stylish sick bags, there are some very strange inventions out there for pregnant women.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.