Jump to content

The same argument - over and over


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 winterlove

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:02 PM

It seems that every time I speak to my husband about certain issues we have same argument. For us it is where we are going to buy a house in Sydney. My husband likes one suburb but I am not sure. Every time we discuss it - it turns into a heated discussion and then we put it off for a couple of weeks - only to return to it weeks down the track with the same result. We are running out of time to decide before my son starts school.

Just wondering if others have the same experience? If so, did you manage to resolve it or did you have to see a therapist?

#2 sedawson

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:09 PM

A good relationship therapist can be a godsend. Go see one with a specific goal in mind and explain that you just need a mediator to negotiate the issue. Why not? It's their job to help people communicate better. If you aren't getting anywhere on your own, you need help making progress.

#3 Dowager fancie

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:12 PM



Buy where you can afford.  

Now that that is settled ...


Next!


#4 happening

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.

We moved a few weeks ago and so far, it's all good.

Compromise -  it's all about compromise.

Why does he feel so strongly about one suburb and you another?  There are probably other issues  than postcode going on.

#5 JustBeige

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:30 PM

Yes we did.

What we did was put both place on the table for consideration and each side had to investigate schools, hospitals, shops, people, crime rates, costs of housing, council costs and general infastructure .

Then we 'visited' both areas a lot.  Went for dinners out that way, wandered shopping centres etc.

We did this to get a sense of the place and the areas we were looking at.

We also agreed we werent going to argue about it, just list out the pros and cons and talk through them

#6 Marchioness Flea

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.

#7 HRH Countrymel

Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

The trouble with having the same argument over and over is that it is always exactly the same argument.

You both know your roles and you slip neatly into them immediately.

As this is something you HAVE to resolve, not something you can agree to 'never speak of again' then you are going to lay down some rules as to how to have the discussion.

Get him to write 5 things you are not allowed to say and you write 5 for him.

Then sit down and try and have the conversation... the verboten words are not to be mentioned, hopefully if you reframe the argument you might have a better chance of hearing each other out.

If not then try a different way of reframing.. and another... et. al.

Good luck!

#8 sophiasmum

Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:59 PM

What suburbs are you talking about?

I wanted to stay in our old area, but I also wanted a 3rd child & knew we couldn't afford somewhere bigger there. So the opportunity came up to buy bigger house (ie. more bedrooms) & bigger land in a suburb 10 mins away (but miles away as far as culture goes). The old was young & hip, the new is old & family oriented. So I gave up in the end & relented. Took a year for me to get used to it, but now after some years of renovating we have a great house on a great plot of land in a great suburb & 3 children to enjoy it with.

#9 winterlove

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:40 PM

Thanks everyone for your suggestions regarding choosing a suburb. Sorry about the belated reply but did not want type it out when my husband was around. Since the post I have actually started watching a show about couples that argue on ABC and this has got me thinking about our argument style - trying to see things from his point of view more.

sedawson, I think I will get a therapist to mediate.

happening and JustBeige, glad to hear we are not alone in our suburb arguments.

#10 Mozzie1

Posted 24 February 2013 - 03:56 PM

QUOTE (Jenflea @ 17/02/2013, 03:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Pick a completely different suburb and stick to it?
Why is one 'better' than the other anyway? Unless one is crime ridden and full of obvious druggies, I can't see how one can be better than another really.


Are you for real? Beaches, parks, cafes, transport, pubs, commuting distance, type of people that live there (families, retirees, dinks), schools, hospitals, size of blocks, bicycle paths, views etc... can make a massive difference to your quality of life.

#11 Magnus

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:15 PM

Maybe you need to look at the value clashes behind deciding on a suburb? Is it that he is aspirational so wants to live in a particular area, for example, or is that you want to be close to other people of the same religion? Does he want to live somewhere very conservative, whilst you prefer a more progressive seeming area? Maybe if you find out the core values behind the choices, you could try to make decisions directly based on those, rather than seemingly on gut feelings.

(Obviously you need to list the practicalities as well).

Is there room to compromise? I'd imagine if he wanted Sutherland Shire and you wanted inner west then you might be able to live in Rockdale, Arncliffe or Kogarah and be close to both.

If he really wanted northen beaches, but you don't want to be so far north, then I'd imagine you could compromise and say that you're happy to let him have the beach, but you want to be somewhere closer in to the city.

Maybe try to find a few largish areas you think you could be happy with and look at houses in those areas and you might find somewhere unexpected that surprises you.

#12 Sui-yat

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:30 PM

OP, I am in a similar situation. My partner and I meet in the suburb in which we currently live and both love it here but one day we will outgrow our current home and need to move. Unfortunately, we are unlikely to find a home that meets our criteria in this area.

The problem is we grew up in opposite ends of Sydney and have different ideas about what would be a good area to raise our children. Our families also live in opposite ends of Sydney and at the moment we are in the middle. For now, we just avoid this conversation because we still have a few years before we will need to move.

I like JustBeige's suggestion of researching and visiting different areas. In the end, you might find a house you both love and one of you won't mind compromising on the area.


#13 ceeshell

Posted 24 February 2013 - 04:58 PM

We had a very similar problem, we ended up engaging a buyers agent who showed us houses that met our criteria and budget all across Sydney. We ended up finding a great house in a suburb neither of us had really considered.

#14 Mpjp is feral

Posted 24 February 2013 - 06:06 PM

QUOTE (happening @ 17/02/2013, 03:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My DH and I fought like crazy people over where to buy a house -  we were living in the CBD and I love it and I wanted to stay forever but the baby-girl needed a backyard and a puppy and a kitten -  so....... I wanted to recapture the cool and groovy bits of my 20's and live in Nth Fitzroy, or Richmond or Prahran, he wanted somewhere a bit more grown up and we compromised on Armadale.


Hey, there are some grown ups in these suburbs you know!!!

#15 Redgumhoney

Posted 24 February 2013 - 07:21 PM

Buying a house is a very big commitment, it needs to be right for both of you. Could you possibly rent a place in the suburb you are considering for six months and then you will really know for sure if you are happy there or not. I did this with hubbie, and am so glad, because the suburb we were considering we both ended up wanting to get out after one year! I know your sons school is important but you have to weigh up the cost for the whole family lifestyle.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

Child in suitcase 'could have died eight years ago'

A child whose remains were dumped in a suitcase in the South Australian bush is believed to have been a girl aged between two-and-a-half to four.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

Portable pools 'more dangerous than permanent ones'

Inflatable and portable children's pools may be required to be sold with compulsory fencing to prevent backyard drownings, with some experts even floating the idea of a ban.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

Six-week-old baby found dead, believed stabbed

A neighbour heard a child screaming before a baby was found dead, believed to have been stabbed, in a house in Newcastle.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Beaneasy: sweet nursery furniture with a twist

If you're looking to introduce an organic element into your baby's nursery but want to step away from natural timber, we have the perfect alternative.

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

Woman adopts best friend's four daughters after cancer tragedy

Best friends share everything - and for these two life-long friends, that includes family.

Baby Leo's mum excluded from $500K trust 'for her own protection'

Samuel Forrest didn't want his wife as a trustee of their baby Leo's half million dollar trust for her own "protection", it has emerged.

Confirmed: men gain weight when they become dads

Men who become fathers experience weight gain and an increase in body mass index, a measurement of body fat based on height and weight, according to a new, large-scale study

Carer investigated over washing machine photo posted 'for a laugh'

She said the photo of a boy with Down syndrome in a washing machine was taken just for fun, but no one else was laughing.

Mum's premature labour nightmare after high tea salmonella outbreak

An opulent high tea at a luxury Melbourne hotel has left 44 people with salmonella poisoning - including a pregnant woman, who went into early labour.

The day my son started a fire

Would you know what to do in a fire emergency? How safe is your home and family?

Prince George celebrates second birthday

Prince George's second birthday has been marked by the release of an official picture showing the toddler smiling as he is held by his proud beaming father.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

Review: Cybex Platinum PRIAM pram

I'm not usually one who believes in love at first sight but that's exactly what happened when I first saw the Cybex PRIAM.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Why I'm choosing to be a single mother right from the start

I believe that you get out of families what you put into them, and I will give mine my all.

Mother and baby units are a necessity for mental health, not a luxury

I have had two postnatal psychotic episodes. The first when my eldest child was six weeks old, and another after my second child was born.

30 French baby names

French names are always in fashion, but a few have risen in popularity in recent years.

New mum's Spanish maternity nightmare

A British woman who gave birth in Spain has told of her ordeal after spending weeks trying to convince medics the baby girl was hers.

Preparing Rover to be a good dog with baby

Some friends of ours say that it's dangerous to have a dog around a newborn and that we should start looking for a new home for him. Is it?

Company offers to ship working mums' breast milk home

First Apple and Facebook announced they would pay $20,000 towards the cost of their female employees freezing their eggs, now IBM in the US has come up with an innovative new policy aimed at retaining female employees.

Prince William speaks of his pride at wife Kate and 'little joy of heaven' Charlotte

The Duke of Cambridge opened up about family life and his plans for the future in an interview to mark his first day as an air ambulance pilot.

'Glowing' eye saves baby Mason's life

A simple photo taken in front of an evening fire gave new mother Sarah Bowers the power to save her baby's life. 

Parenting and decision overload

Of all the advice people told me before having a baby, no one warned me about the amount of decisions involved.

Proof that toddlers can't be left unsupervised - ever

Parents of toddlers all know the moment when realise your child is being suspiciously quiet. It can only mean one thing - trouble!

Meet Jeremy Ryan, The Voice contestant with seven kids

If you have trouble recalling the ages of Jeremy Ryan's seven children on The Voice, you're not alone. So does he.

Baby's adorable reaction to wearing glasses for the first time

Getting glasses can be a formative moment in a person's life.

Police officer buys supplies for family after mum of six caught shoplifting

When a mum of six was caught shoplifting nappies, clothes and shoes for her kids, the last thing she expected was for a stranger to pay for her haul.

Why pregnant women on antidepressants shouldn’t panic about birth defect claims

The risk of having uncontrolled depression is far greater than the small increased risk of birth defects that may be associated with specific antidepressants.

Arrests made over children's birthday party brawl

Police have raided properties and arrested a number of people over a brawl at a child's birthday party at a play centre in Sydney's west.

Family shares awesome drone baby announcement

Looking for a creative way to share some big news? Look to the skies, like this family did.

Young warrior Owen defies doctors' predictions

Little Owen DiCandilo's name means "young warrior", and it's a description that perfectly fits the inspiring 18-month-old

Advice for dads: when to approach your wife for sex

The exhaustion that comes with caring for young children often means romance between parents becomes a thing of the past.

I might be fat, but I don't need saving

I've been fat for pretty much most of life, besides a few crazy moments of being less-fat, but for the most part I've existed on this earth with a little more meat on my bones than desirable.

The rookie mistakes we make as parents

Since the dawn of civilisation, generation after generation of new parents have had to rely on instinct, trial and error - and sometimes get it wrong.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.