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Leaving DH behind to pursue your own goals

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#1 GenWhy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:08 PM

DH, kids and I moved to a tiny town last year for DH's work. He was assured his company would likely have a position for me in the field I usually work in so we saw it as a great opportunity to make some good money and more family time. DH was FIFO prior to this.

Since arriving I have taken on some work just to pass the time. It's not meaningful to me and not well paid. I don't enjoy it at all. DH has been asking and asking about the promise of work for me and has basically been told they have had budget cuts and no positions are available anymore. I have joined a few groups and do volunteer work. I try to get involved at the school and go to gym classes etc. I enjoy the volunteer work but not the groups I've joined. I am really not enjoying living here at al. I have met a lot of other Mums but I haven't really clicked with any of them and I'm finding that I'm becoming quite down. The school here is quite appalling and there's virtually no childcare. DH also works very long hours.

The thing is, I have a well paid job lined up due to start January 2014. I've been doing a Uni degree in order to take up this position and it really is my dream job. I would have to move back to the city in order to work there. I have spoken to DH about it and he agrees I'm not happy here. I have to go down in June for a month to do exams and complete courses for the job I want to do. I'm considering just not coming back. Our house is only rented until the end of June so the kids and I could move back in. There's Childcare and good schooling etc.

My dilemma is that DH is contracted to stay for 2 years. If he doesn't we need to repay substantial moving costs. If I stay, I will miss out on the job. It took me 2 years to study and apply to be accepted and I doubt the organization would allow me to defer my start date. It would be a long process to reapply and it may not look good that I pulled out prior. DH likes his job here and also doesn't mind the town. He has said he could ask about going FIFO again or try to find another job that is city based or FIFO. The chances of it happening I really don't know about. We are bickering a lot because I'm unhappy here and especially that the work promised hasn't eventuated.

So would you leave your DH behind to pursue your own happiness/career goals? Or would you suck it up for the money and sake of keeping the family together? I'm quite torn about it and wanted to see if people think I'm being selfish.

#2 *Jackie*

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:11 PM

In a word,  yes

#3 starsg

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I know quite a few families where couples have lived apart temporarily for work purposes. I think as long as there's an end date in sight for living apart it can work well and in some cases strengthen the relationship. It would be different if you were going to be apart indefinitely but if your husband is planning to move back and join you once his contract finishes I definitely think you wouldn't be being selfish by taking the job.

Edited by starsg, 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM.

#4 Mitis angelam

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM

I don't think you're being selfish.

I do think it depends.  It's not clear to me how long you'd be living apart - and I would think the length of time would matter.  It's also not clear how much opportunity there'd be for trips backwards and forwards.

It's doable, and survivable, but if it's for too long of course it's going to take a toll.  I think you and your DH need to sit down and work out what you could do to nurture a long-distance marriage, and how long it could realistically work, and go from there.

#5 ~iMum~

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM


#6 steppy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:15 PM

I would do it - it's only a year and a half - some couples work apart for years.

#7 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:16 PM

Do it, its a small chunk of time really and in the long run you"ll both be happier for it.

#8 SnazzyFeral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:16 PM

I would try it out. you owe yourself that and your relationship may not survive if you don't.

#9 76 others

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:16 PM

Wow tough decision. Most likely i would. It isn't fair for one half of a couple to give up their dreams and remain unhappy. He should see you aren't fulfilled and it isn't fair on him to expect you to remain like that.

#10 HRH Countrymel

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:19 PM

It isn't that long in the grand scheme of things - you have defined end dates.

I'd do it.

#11 sarkazm76

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:21 PM

Not selfish at all - you moved there thinking it would be good work for both of you and then nothing came of it for you. I think you did your bit already - you've tried.  Why should you also now give up a fantastic opportunity for a job that you have worked toward for so long that may never come again?!

But you need to look at all the aspects.  How far away from each other will you be?  How often can you travel to see eahc other?  How will the kids feels about it?  How much money will you lose if he just says "nup I'm coming with you" and leaves his job?  How easy can he find another job?

You have 12 months to figure it out.  If you're not going to eb working until then you should go home, do your month then come back to where you are now until you need to go back for start of the job though I think, if you want to minimise the strain of being apart.
But also work out what you're going to do all year whiel you wait it out original.gif

#12 starfire

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:22 PM

If it meant a good future career wise in which you would be advanced both money wise and career wise - I'd do it in a heart beat.

DH will have to understand that it is for the family in the long run. After all you moved for DH's job, so it's your turn to reap the rewards of your studies.

Good luck making the decision, it certainly isn't an easy one.

#13 GenWhy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:23 PM

The "yes" and smiley face I'm not sure what they mean? I asked a few questions so not sure what the replies are in answer to.

The period of time apart would be around 18 months if he finished his contract. He would get 4 weeks per year of annual leave and from June will be on a new roster of 8 days work then 6 days off. It would prob be expensive for him to fly down every time he has days off though.

If he starts looking for a new job that's FIFO or Perth based, I don't know how long that would take.

I have previously quit a job (that was a very good career for me which I very much enjoyed) to follow DH to another city for his work. It didn't work out and both of us ended up unemployed (he took on contract work and contract wasn't renewed due to budget reasons). So I figure I've already given up a fair amount for his career and really don't want to be stuck on the back burner for years again.

#14 Bel Rowley

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:28 PM

Yes I would go.

#15 ekbaby

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:35 PM

I would go down for a month in June to do the training, then come back until late 2013, then move to the city to start the new job in early 2014.

That would mean you would be living apart for 1 year, yeah?

Is your DH happy to move to the city with you when his contract finishes? (2015?). What will this mean for his work- would he be looking for a job in the city, would this be hard or easy to get? Would you become the main "breadwinner"?

#16 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

QUOTE (GenWhy @ 15/02/2013, 02:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have previously quit a job (that was a very good career for me which I very much enjoyed) to follow DH to another city for his work. It didn't work out and both of us ended up unemployed (he took on contract work and contract wasn't renewed due to budget reasons). So I figure I've already given up a fair amount for his career and really don't want to be stuck on the back burner for years again.

Given this ^
Do it
Regarding distance there so many ways to keep in contact these days. Skype, email, text, FB
Keep an eye out for deals on flights.

I would think in terms of, yeah may be hard for 2 years but in 5, 10 years how much better off could you be? Both emotionally and financially.

#17 Ice Queen

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:38 PM

Yes, I would but maybe not in June.  You said the job for you doesn't start until next year?  i would go back in June to sit exams, get the house back from tenants and then NOT release (if you can afford to do that), stick out the cr$ppy town until December and then move home permanently in time for the new school year and the new job.  Then it is only 12mo apart which I feel is ok.  School holidays together with dad and all that.

Will be a tough year though.

#18 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:39 PM

I would go. It's only for 18 months and then you can reassess. At least give it a go. I don't think you're being selfish at all.

#19 Blueberrymummy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:45 PM

I don't think it's a good idea personally, I think you have to put your kids and your marriage first, but I can understand how frustrating it is to feel your life is on hold. Are there any other goals you can pursue while you wait for your DH to finish his contract? Maybe further study?

#20 sandgropergirl

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:47 PM

QUOTE (Blueberrymummy @ 15/02/2013, 02:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't think it's a good idea personally, I think you have to put your kids and your marriage first, but I can understand how frustrating it is to feel your life is on hold. Are there any other goals you can pursue while you wait for your DH to finish his contract? Maybe further study?

Wondered how long it would take...

#21 suline

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:50 PM

I think its a great idea to for you to pursue your dreams as well. Like other posters have said it may only be 12 months separation all up - and yes that is very hard indeed, but between your annual leave and his, you will be able to be together a few times in that year.

I think any husband worth anything would want a happy wife, and would be accommodating in helping her be happy and achieve her goals.

#22 Mpjp is feral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:52 PM

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

But I will be honest and say, no, I couldn't/ wouldn't do it.

I personally would find it hard to sustain a healthy and fulfilling relationship under those conditions - but that is obviously a very individual thing. I'd miss dh too much. My dh travels a lot for work and we really try hard not to have too many occasions where we don't see each other for longer than a week.

We also have a young child together who would miss his Dad terribly, and I don't personally believe it would be good for their relationship. DS gets a lot out of having two very involved parents, despite the fact that Dad is away a lot. I see how disruptive that can be for him, and I know he  misses him a lot. I also see dh feeling guilty and over compensating for not being there as much as he would like to be.

I DON'T think the answer is you putting your desires or career on the back burner either. I get you are in a difficult position with repayment costs - but I'd rather wear this than wear my dh not being a part of our daily lives. If my dh was offering to go FIFO or look for another job then this would be worth it to me. Even if you agree to a shorter period to get repayment costs down (I presume its a pro-rata approach)?

#23 Blueberrymummy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:55 PM

QUOTE (sandgropergirl @ 15/02/2013, 03:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wondered how long it would take...

What do you mean? Why can't I express my opinion? I would say exactly the same thing if it was a man thinking of leaving his wife for work reasons.

#24 MrsLexiK

Posted 15 February 2013 - 03:00 PM

What would you have done if the company had gotten a job from the company? do you think you would be happy still and looking at the move?

Personally I couldn't/wouldn't be able to do it, but that doesn't mean that I would stay in the town and give up my dreams which you have already done once before.  I would get my DH to play hardball I would tell him he has to call the company's bluff, get him to tell them (when in a few months time when it is closer to the job) that you have your dream job offered to you in the city and if they can't find anything suitable for you in the town you will both be leaving.  You might find how quickly they find some funding, or it might be that you end up moving back to the city for your job and having to flip the bill. Either way I (as in me personally) would prefer either of those two options then spending 18 months apart.

Edited by MrsLexiK, 15 February 2013 - 03:09 PM.

#25 farfaraway

Posted 15 February 2013 - 03:07 PM

OP, I would say GO. I dont say this lightly, but I say it from the experience of being in your shoes and NOT pursuing my own dream when I had the chance. While I don't regret where my life has taken me, I do know that I have given up a heck of a lot more than my DH in the process. My career is in the loo because of following his work, and although I love our family and we have a great life, a part of me is bitter about how much I have given up.

Do it, see if it works. Worst case, quit. But don't live with regret. Best of luck, I really and truly understand your dilemma.

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