Jump to content

Leaving DH behind to pursue your own goals


  • Please log in to reply
49 replies to this topic

#1 GenWhy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:08 PM

DH, kids and I moved to a tiny town last year for DH's work. He was assured his company would likely have a position for me in the field I usually work in so we saw it as a great opportunity to make some good money and more family time. DH was FIFO prior to this.

Since arriving I have taken on some work just to pass the time. It's not meaningful to me and not well paid. I don't enjoy it at all. DH has been asking and asking about the promise of work for me and has basically been told they have had budget cuts and no positions are available anymore. I have joined a few groups and do volunteer work. I try to get involved at the school and go to gym classes etc. I enjoy the volunteer work but not the groups I've joined. I am really not enjoying living here at al. I have met a lot of other Mums but I haven't really clicked with any of them and I'm finding that I'm becoming quite down. The school here is quite appalling and there's virtually no childcare. DH also works very long hours.

The thing is, I have a well paid job lined up due to start January 2014. I've been doing a Uni degree in order to take up this position and it really is my dream job. I would have to move back to the city in order to work there. I have spoken to DH about it and he agrees I'm not happy here. I have to go down in June for a month to do exams and complete courses for the job I want to do. I'm considering just not coming back. Our house is only rented until the end of June so the kids and I could move back in. There's Childcare and good schooling etc.

My dilemma is that DH is contracted to stay for 2 years. If he doesn't we need to repay substantial moving costs. If I stay, I will miss out on the job. It took me 2 years to study and apply to be accepted and I doubt the organization would allow me to defer my start date. It would be a long process to reapply and it may not look good that I pulled out prior. DH likes his job here and also doesn't mind the town. He has said he could ask about going FIFO again or try to find another job that is city based or FIFO. The chances of it happening I really don't know about. We are bickering a lot because I'm unhappy here and especially that the work promised hasn't eventuated.

So would you leave your DH behind to pursue your own happiness/career goals? Or would you suck it up for the money and sake of keeping the family together? I'm quite torn about it and wanted to see if people think I'm being selfish.

#2 *Jackie*

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:11 PM

In a word,  yes

#3 starsg

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I know quite a few families where couples have lived apart temporarily for work purposes. I think as long as there's an end date in sight for living apart it can work well and in some cases strengthen the relationship. It would be different if you were going to be apart indefinitely but if your husband is planning to move back and join you once his contract finishes I definitely think you wouldn't be being selfish by taking the job.

Edited by starsg, 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM.


#4 Fyn Angelot

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM

I don't think you're being selfish.

I do think it depends.  It's not clear to me how long you'd be living apart - and I would think the length of time would matter.  It's also not clear how much opportunity there'd be for trips backwards and forwards.

It's doable, and survivable, but if it's for too long of course it's going to take a toll.  I think you and your DH need to sit down and work out what you could do to nurture a long-distance marriage, and how long it could realistically work, and go from there.

#5 ~iMum~

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM

yyes.gif

#6 steppy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:15 PM

I would do it - it's only a year and a half - some couples work apart for years.

#7 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:16 PM

Do it, its a small chunk of time really and in the long run you"ll both be happier for it.

#8 SnazzyFeral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:16 PM

I would try it out. you owe yourself that and your relationship may not survive if you don't.

#9 76 others

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:16 PM

Wow tough decision. Most likely i would. It isn't fair for one half of a couple to give up their dreams and remain unhappy. He should see you aren't fulfilled and it isn't fair on him to expect you to remain like that.

#10 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:19 PM

It isn't that long in the grand scheme of things - you have defined end dates.

I'd do it.



#11 sarkazm76

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:21 PM

Not selfish at all - you moved there thinking it would be good work for both of you and then nothing came of it for you. I think you did your bit already - you've tried.  Why should you also now give up a fantastic opportunity for a job that you have worked toward for so long that may never come again?!

But you need to look at all the aspects.  How far away from each other will you be?  How often can you travel to see eahc other?  How will the kids feels about it?  How much money will you lose if he just says "nup I'm coming with you" and leaves his job?  How easy can he find another job?

You have 12 months to figure it out.  If you're not going to eb working until then you should go home, do your month then come back to where you are now until you need to go back for start of the job though I think, if you want to minimise the strain of being apart.
But also work out what you're going to do all year whiel you wait it out original.gif


#12 starfire

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:22 PM

If it meant a good future career wise in which you would be advanced both money wise and career wise - I'd do it in a heart beat.

DH will have to understand that it is for the family in the long run. After all you moved for DH's job, so it's your turn to reap the rewards of your studies.

Good luck making the decision, it certainly isn't an easy one.

#13 GenWhy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:23 PM

The "yes" and smiley face I'm not sure what they mean? I asked a few questions so not sure what the replies are in answer to.

The period of time apart would be around 18 months if he finished his contract. He would get 4 weeks per year of annual leave and from June will be on a new roster of 8 days work then 6 days off. It would prob be expensive for him to fly down every time he has days off though.

If he starts looking for a new job that's FIFO or Perth based, I don't know how long that would take.

I have previously quit a job (that was a very good career for me which I very much enjoyed) to follow DH to another city for his work. It didn't work out and both of us ended up unemployed (he took on contract work and contract wasn't renewed due to budget reasons). So I figure I've already given up a fair amount for his career and really don't want to be stuck on the back burner for years again.

#14 Bel Rowley

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:28 PM

Yes I would go.

#15 ekbaby

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:35 PM

I would go down for a month in June to do the training, then come back until late 2013, then move to the city to start the new job in early 2014.

That would mean you would be living apart for 1 year, yeah?

Is your DH happy to move to the city with you when his contract finishes? (2015?). What will this mean for his work- would he be looking for a job in the city, would this be hard or easy to get? Would you become the main "breadwinner"?

#16 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:37 PM

QUOTE (GenWhy @ 15/02/2013, 02:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have previously quit a job (that was a very good career for me which I very much enjoyed) to follow DH to another city for his work. It didn't work out and both of us ended up unemployed (he took on contract work and contract wasn't renewed due to budget reasons). So I figure I've already given up a fair amount for his career and really don't want to be stuck on the back burner for years again.



Given this ^
Do it
Regarding distance there so many ways to keep in contact these days. Skype, email, text, FB
Keep an eye out for deals on flights.

I would think in terms of, yeah may be hard for 2 years but in 5, 10 years how much better off could you be? Both emotionally and financially.



#17 Ice Queen

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:38 PM

Yes, I would but maybe not in June.  You said the job for you doesn't start until next year?  i would go back in June to sit exams, get the house back from tenants and then NOT release (if you can afford to do that), stick out the cr$ppy town until December and then move home permanently in time for the new school year and the new job.  Then it is only 12mo apart which I feel is ok.  School holidays together with dad and all that.

Will be a tough year though.

#18 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:39 PM

I would go. It's only for 18 months and then you can reassess. At least give it a go. I don't think you're being selfish at all.

#19 Blueberrymummy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:45 PM

I don't think it's a good idea personally, I think you have to put your kids and your marriage first, but I can understand how frustrating it is to feel your life is on hold. Are there any other goals you can pursue while you wait for your DH to finish his contract? Maybe further study?

#20 sandgropergirl

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:47 PM

QUOTE (Blueberrymummy @ 15/02/2013, 02:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't think it's a good idea personally, I think you have to put your kids and your marriage first, but I can understand how frustrating it is to feel your life is on hold. Are there any other goals you can pursue while you wait for your DH to finish his contract? Maybe further study?


Wondered how long it would take...

#21 suline

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:50 PM

I think its a great idea to for you to pursue your dreams as well. Like other posters have said it may only be 12 months separation all up - and yes that is very hard indeed, but between your annual leave and his, you will be able to be together a few times in that year.

I think any husband worth anything would want a happy wife, and would be accommodating in helping her be happy and achieve her goals.



#22 Mpjp is feral

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:52 PM

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

But I will be honest and say, no, I couldn't/ wouldn't do it.

I personally would find it hard to sustain a healthy and fulfilling relationship under those conditions - but that is obviously a very individual thing. I'd miss dh too much. My dh travels a lot for work and we really try hard not to have too many occasions where we don't see each other for longer than a week.

We also have a young child together who would miss his Dad terribly, and I don't personally believe it would be good for their relationship. DS gets a lot out of having two very involved parents, despite the fact that Dad is away a lot. I see how disruptive that can be for him, and I know he  misses him a lot. I also see dh feeling guilty and over compensating for not being there as much as he would like to be.

I DON'T think the answer is you putting your desires or career on the back burner either. I get you are in a difficult position with repayment costs - but I'd rather wear this than wear my dh not being a part of our daily lives. If my dh was offering to go FIFO or look for another job then this would be worth it to me. Even if you agree to a shorter period to get repayment costs down (I presume its a pro-rata approach)?

#23 Blueberrymummy

Posted 15 February 2013 - 02:55 PM

QUOTE (sandgropergirl @ 15/02/2013, 03:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wondered how long it would take...


What do you mean? Why can't I express my opinion? I would say exactly the same thing if it was a man thinking of leaving his wife for work reasons.

#24 MrsLexiK

Posted 15 February 2013 - 03:00 PM

What would you have done if the company had gotten a job from the company? do you think you would be happy still and looking at the move?

Personally I couldn't/wouldn't be able to do it, but that doesn't mean that I would stay in the town and give up my dreams which you have already done once before.  I would get my DH to play hardball I would tell him he has to call the company's bluff, get him to tell them (when in a few months time when it is closer to the job) that you have your dream job offered to you in the city and if they can't find anything suitable for you in the town you will both be leaving.  You might find how quickly they find some funding, or it might be that you end up moving back to the city for your job and having to flip the bill. Either way I (as in me personally) would prefer either of those two options then spending 18 months apart.

Edited by MrsLexiK, 15 February 2013 - 03:09 PM.


#25 farfaraway

Posted 15 February 2013 - 03:07 PM

OP, I would say GO. I dont say this lightly, but I say it from the experience of being in your shoes and NOT pursuing my own dream when I had the chance. While I don't regret where my life has taken me, I do know that I have given up a heck of a lot more than my DH in the process. My career is in the loo because of following his work, and although I love our family and we have a great life, a part of me is bitter about how much I have given up.

Do it, see if it works. Worst case, quit. But don't live with regret. Best of luck, I really and truly understand your dilemma.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reaction to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Empowering bikini photo of 46-year-old mum goes viral

When a group of teenagers made rude remarks about her body as she walked past them in a bikini at the local beach, Julie Cross refused to cover up.

Devastated widow discovers she's pregnant the day before husband's funeral

They had been trying to conceive a baby for seven years. Tragically Kristy Kirchner found out she was pregnant the day before her husband Royce's funeral.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Gabriella Goat sues Peppa Pig

Every toddler's favourite television pig is being sued by an Italian woman who shares a name with a Peppa Pig character.

Meet the Mpregs, the male pregnancy enthusiasts

"Men can't have babies - that's something only women can do! But our community is full of like-minded people who wish otherwise."

Your new motherhood survival kit

Forget about the bright, pretty baby things - while you're in survival mode, all you'll need are the essentials.

More than 100,000 cars recalled globally after death of pregnant woman

The announcement of a mass recall comes as Malaysian police investigate the death of pregnant woman in July.

I had a 'good baby' but still suffered from postnatal depression

I had a much wanted precious baby girl, a 'good baby' who slept well, self settled and was mostly content. It just seemed implausible to think I could succumb to depression.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Eating ice may give mental boost to the iron deficient: study

A new study proposes that, like a strong cup of coffee, ice may give those with insufficient iron a much-needed mental boost.

Tiny lives in caring hands: Thank U NICU Day

Each year in Australia, over 40,000 newborns need the help of a special care nursery or neonatal intensive care unit. One day a year, the staff are honoured by the parents they help through those dark days.

I paid $50,000 to have a girl

This time my husband and I hadn't taken any chances. We had paid $50,000 and travelled 13,000 kilometres to make sure the baby growing inside me was female.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you're doing.

A trace of sesame could kill my son

Helen Richardson son's had two anaphylactic reactions in a month. It's traumatic for everyone.

When you know before the test says yes

It wasn't a pregnancy test or missed period that told me I was pregnant with my second baby; it was too early for those things. A doner kebab told me I was going to be a mum again.

What not to do when your partner is in labour

Robbie Williams stole the show during his wife Ayda's labour, pretty much demonstrating everything on the "what not to do when your partner is in labour" list.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

Dad breastfeeds his babies

Trevor Macdonald has now been pregnant twice, and is successfully breastfeeding his newest family member.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.