Jump to content

How do you redeem a bad parenting day?


  • Please log in to reply
21 replies to this topic

#1 Procrastinator5000

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:12 PM

So yesterday I was not a good Mum.

We were out all afternoon doing errands and I left the house feeling stressed and tired from the beginning. DS who is almost 8 was also tired and didn't want to be out - not a good combination.

I was picking at him about everything - 'hurry up', 'tie your shoelaces', 'stay with me', 'carry your bag properly', and then when things went wrong, it was all his fault, like when he trips on his shoelaces, I got cross, when I saw that his laces were tied wrongly, I got cross. You get the idea.

None of it was his 'fault', it was just him being vague and not very organised. Totally normal child behaviour and I hate getting mad at things that are just his weakness.

The final straw was when he was dawdling and almost missed getting on our train carriage. I had to jam myself into the doors to keep them from closing so that he could get in. I snapped at him for making that happen (it really wasn't his fault).

When we got on the train, his face crumpled and he started to sob and say, you're so angry at me today and I can't do anything right. I just hugged him for a while and said, I know it's a bad day, and we didn't talk much. He cried and was sad for quite a while.

I felt really terrible.. I know in the scheme of things, I didn't shout and swear, I didn't hit him, but I still hate how I made him feel yesterday, when he was just being a normal kid who was tired and wanted to be at home.

I've apologised a few times today. He didn't completely forgive me but is pretty much over it.

He's beyond that age where no matter what you do, you're perfect in their little eyes. These days now he knows I'm flawed and I don't like it!

I don't know what I expect by writing this out, just reflecting I suppose.. Tell me that it's normal? Or how to handle things better?

#2 More than a Mother

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:22 PM

We all have them - we're not perfect. I'd have acknowledged that you were both stressed and tired, and would have preferred to be at home.

Surely it's good that he sees your flaws? He won't grow up with a skewed sense of motherhood.

#3 feralisles

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:23 PM

I don't think any of us are perfect, and it doesn't hurt children to know that.  The important thing is that you acknowledged your mistakes and apologised for them.  In doing so, you have modelled to your son the appropriate way to deal with poor behaviour. I think you'll find he will forgive you OP!

You can reflect over what happened and why, and think about how you can handle things better next time.  You can even talk it over with your boy if you like - eg. "I've realised it's not a good idea trying to do a lot of jobs when we are both tired and pushed for time.  Next time we'll do them on a Saturday morning when we can take our time, and maybe have an ice cream afterwards. How does that sound?"

#4 premmie_29weeks

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:25 PM

I'm with you! My oldest is only 2 and a half....some days I'm just not as good as other days, patience is a virtue that is in short spot at my house some days. Mostly it's just him being a 2 year old, in conjunction with an 11 month old life is constantly busy, and god awful noisy. I shout, I occasionally smack him for bad behaviour, mostly to do with aggression to his little brother. I know it's wrong, but sometimes it happens..despite my best intentions I lose my temper.

I guess I try to make sure we finish up after a incident as friends. Lots of cuddles and kisses. I also try to remember that I have two boys 17 months apart, and I'm human, the demands on me during the day are heavy...and most days we are all fed, clean and have had an outing to the park or similar. I've managed to make dinner and the house doesn't look like a bomb has hit it. I'm doing well...they are happy and healthy and they love their parents....if I raise my voice occasionally then so be it, others may have more patience, I don't...

#5 Jess1308

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:27 PM

I hear you.

#6 amandamac

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:30 PM

Hi. Couldn't read and not respond. You redeem a day like that by saying sorry, being aware for next time, and talking about it.

You've done some of those things so are doing great! Everyone has those days and it is shocking sometimes to realise the power we have to hurt their little hearts. But we also have the power to heal and to teach lessons about communication and forgiveness.

So perhaps after a few days talk to him again about how you feel; if you feel ashamed or guilty; about how you'll always try your best but may sometimes fail. Perhaps tell him that his feelings are important and you're sorry you hurt them. Perhaps agree on a way to safely communicate the next time one or both of you are feeling tired or stressed.

And chalk this experience up to yet another lesson about parenting. You're doing your best. Somedays this might not be quite up to the mark. But you're human and obviously a great mum because this experience is bothering you and you want to set it to rights.

Take care.

#7 boatiebabe

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:32 PM

I find wine helps.  biggrin.gif

I think we all have those days once in a while.

Some days I could win Mum Of The Year Awards, other days - not so much.

I think you did the right thing in apologising etc.

Next time just try to change your attitude. Acknowledge you have a lot to do, and go out with a sense of adventure maybe. If you miss the train? There's another one and you can find something to do in the interim. If you can't get to everything on the to do list? Get it done another day.

And drink wine....

#8 NunSoFeral

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:42 PM

Oh Ouch, OP.
I've been there and have felt sh*tty about being cranky at my children, for simply being children, too.

Feeling the way you do means that you have redeemed it.
Your actions and words to your boy after it all happened, have redeemed it.

You acknowledged it, apologised for it and are remorseful - your parent-o-meter is surely pointing at "great, totally human parent".

My oldest boy is organisationally challenged, and I find it stressful and teeth clenchingly frustrating at times.

My mantra is "he is eight, just eight, let it slide if you can"

That and that 80/20 rule

80% positive comments
20% not so positive comments (so choose 'em wisely!)

I fumbled my way through parenting with my oldest , so he he has heard a lot of apologies, and he knows adults stuff up all the time.

Of course that has bit me on the a*se many times-  nothing like being lectured to by an eight year old about bad language, running late and not stooping to a mean persons level.






#9 epl0822

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:46 PM

I have a dad who had his own share of issues; he was an awesome father 99% of the time but the 1% when he got angry, he was REALLY angry.

He also grew up in a culture where it just wasn't acceptable for fathers to apologise to their children. He did apologise to me a few years ago and I know it's been eating at him this whole time, the way he lashed out at me in the past.

Unless we're talking about extreme parental behaviour like serious violence, your human shortcomings don't negate the vast majority of the times when you are a good parent. When your child grows up and reflects on his childhood, if he even remembers this incident, he's going to also remember his mum was big enough to say sorry and hug him and feel bad for her mistakes. You just taught your child how to man up when he makes errors as an adult later on and how to be totally honest about his mistakes, too. If that's not good parenting then I don't know what is.

I don't think you need to dwell too much on what happened. Just keep loving your child and that's the best form of apology.

#10 TheGreenSheep

Posted 14 February 2013 - 01:57 PM

I dunno what to say to redeem yourself. I am having a week of it.  sad.gif  I'm tired and over a few ongoing things that are out of our control. And so it's not a great week in general. Poor kids. I'm trying to be as kind and loving whilst controlling how grouchy and cranky I feel. Lots of kisses and cuddles and love you kids.

#11 gabbigirl

Posted 14 February 2013 - 02:05 PM

I have lots of bad parenting moments, this read helps me a little

http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parentin...ith_Your_Child/

#12 elizabethany

Posted 14 February 2013 - 02:08 PM

I am having one of those days with my 2 year old today.  Though I cracked it and now we are not going out, and he wants to.  Maybe after we have both had some quiet time I can make it happen...

#13 Peppery

Posted 14 February 2013 - 02:17 PM

I have been having a few of those days lately. I apologise to DD and give her extra cuddles. Last night I heard her telling her dolly that mummy didn't love her anymore. Absolutely broke my heart. DD is 4.

We had cuddles in bed before she fell asleep.

#14 a letter to Elise.

Posted 14 February 2013 - 02:21 PM

I have those days sometimes. Sometimes I don't even realise I've been like that until ds tells me - normally by doing something nice and asking if I feel better yet sad.gif .
If I can, I try to redeem it by doing something fun and silly to take my mind off it. A trip to the park, some silly dancing in the lounge room, basically something with no pressure that will remind us both of how nice it can be to spend time together.


#15 Canberra Chick

Posted 14 February 2013 - 02:51 PM

OP,  I am so glad you posted this, as I do this with DS far too often and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

I am trying to take a deep breath before speaking  these days. I am also just talking it over with him later, telling him that while he was making mistakes, my reaction was because I had a bad day and I am sorry, I shouldn't have let that affect how I talk to him.
Then I try to do something with him, like look stuff up on the Internet, go for a walk, cook something together.

#16 Procrastinator5000

Posted 14 February 2013 - 02:58 PM

Thanks for all the kind responses. It's good to know I'm not the only one and there were lots of helpful ideas - gabbigirl, that article you posted was great, thanks.

Today is a new day I guess!

#17 Procrastinator5000

Posted 14 February 2013 - 03:03 PM

QUOTE (epl0822 @ 14/02/2013, 02:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have a dad who had his own share of issues; he was an awesome father 99% of the time but the 1% when he got angry, he was REALLY angry.

He also grew up in a culture where it just wasn't acceptable for fathers to apologise to their children. He did apologise to me a few years ago and I know it's been eating at him this whole time, the way he lashed out at me in the past.

Unless we're talking about extreme parental behaviour like serious violence, your human shortcomings don't negate the vast majority of the times when you are a good parent. When your child grows up and reflects on his childhood, if he even remembers this incident, he's going to also remember his mum was big enough to say sorry and hug him and feel bad for her mistakes. You just taught your child how to man up when he makes errors as an adult later on and how to be totally honest about his mistakes, too. If that's not good parenting then I don't know what is.

I don't think you need to dwell too much on what happened. Just keep loving your child and that's the best form of apology.


Thanks a lot for sharing that.


#18 Leggy

Posted 14 February 2013 - 03:05 PM

Like PPs I think you've already done the right thing by apologising. Nobody's perfect and I think it's important for kids to see that, and also to see that it's okay to admit you were wrong.

#19 JJ

Posted 15 February 2013 - 10:26 AM

QUOTE (It'sallgood @ 15/02/2013, 09:05 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just apologise. Explain that we ALL have bad days and that is completely normal. Say how sorry you are and move on.
don't dwell over it.


This. (I am agreeing with Tamm - what's this world coming to!?  blink.gif tongue.gif)

Apologise, move on. There have been occasions where I found myself apologising over and over again because I still felt bad the next day, but the kids were ready to move on. Kids are pretty forgiving and they don't expect you to be perfect.

In some cases I also explain why I was feeling grouchy, though when doing that, you have to be careful not to make it too "heavy" (so the child doesn't end up worrying about you) or make it sound like you're trying to make excuses for your bad behaviour. But my kids seem to respond well to simple explanations as to why people sometimes have bad days.

But yes, it's normal. Nobody's perfect. bbighug.gif

#20 leisamd

Posted 15 February 2013 - 12:44 PM

I also try to intentionally spend some nice time. Today was one of those days, so we're watching a movie now (double help, relaxing & not speaking yet still together) , and later we'll make cupcakes. Rest, reset, fun. That's my formula for ' write off' days!

#21 mm1981

Posted 15 February 2013 - 12:53 PM

Apologise and move on.

So what, you were having a bad day. You explained it and apologised. Done.

No need to make it a bigger deal than what it is. Nor should your son.

Mark it up as life experience.

Apologise and move on.

So what, you were having a bad day. You explained it and apologised. Done.

No need to make it a bigger deal than what it is. Nor should your son.

Mark it up as life experience.

#22 Tigerdog

Posted 15 February 2013 - 12:59 PM

You don't - you just move on and try to do better the next day.  Children are forgiving and resilient, focusing on it serves no purpose.

Edited by Tigerdog, 15 February 2013 - 12:59 PM.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Finding baby name inspiration in unusual places

Sometimes the greatest baby name ideas come from the most unexpected places, as these EB members show.

The case for inducing at 37 weeks

While we often think of pregnancy as a 40 week affair, experts agree that 37 weeks is actually “full term". So is there an argument for inducing all births at 37 weeks?

Does controlled crying really work?

Controlled-crying techniques may help some babies sleep through the night, but for many exhausted new parents, it's just a recipe for more tears all round.

How I taught my infant to use a toilet

As people become more aware of these benefits, I hope more parents will practice this method, so we can cut down on nappies and improve baby bonding.

'I thought it was impossible': Emily Symons pregnant at 45

Aussie actress Emily Symons has announced she is pregnant with her first baby.

Shallow water blackout kills fit, healthy dad

A little girl will grow up without her father after the fit and healthy 34-year-old passed away while doing something he had practised his whole life.

Afternoon naps may be bad for toddlers' sleep

You could be doing yourself a disservice by encouraging your toddler to have an afternoon nap, according to new research.

Best gifts for newborns, new mums and christenings

We've compiled a guide to some of the most popular presents for newborns and new mums, and for christenings and naming days.

Jaime King to be a mum again

Actress Jaime King is pregnant with her second child, giving 16-month-old James a sibling.

Nannies should receive government funding

The Abbott government should extend funding to nannies, and direct childcare payments to low and middle income families, a landmark study on childcare has found. 

Common skin irritations in newborns (and how to treat them)

As many as one in two newborn babies suffer from skin irritations in their first few weeks. So what are the most common rashes and irritations to look out for?

10 wall decals for the nursery or playroom

Wall decals are the answer to creating a beautiful nursery or children's space without lifting a paint brush, a spirit level or even a hammer.

Preschooler walks 2.4km home alone

Three-year-old Cain Trainor headed off home after his first day at a new preschool without telling anyone.

Video: Why mums get nothing done

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

The middle name game

The middle name is no longer an afterthought, and parents' inspiration comes from many places.

Have a baby or your money back - but there's a catch

A new IVF scheme offers couples the chance to fall pregnant and give birth - or get their money back. But there's more to it than you might think.

A rare glimpse inside the womb

A baby born still inside the amniotic sac gave US doctors a rare glimpse at life inside the womb.

Battered mum forced to write to her attacker ex in jail

Three years ago Jason Hughes viciously attacked his ex-partner. Now she has to write to him three times a year.

Woman pleads not guilty to ultrasound scam

A West Australian woman will fight allegations that she scammed expectant mums by selling them fake ultrasound pictures of babies.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Brain damaged mum receives compensation

A Sydney mother who suffered brain damage when she was hit by a car while pushing her newborn baby in a pram has reached a confidential out-of-court settlement with the driver's insurance company.

Indigenous midwives break down the barriers

A culturally sensitive midwifery service has gained the trust and respect of Aboriginal women.

The Katering Show's next big delivery

Most mums-to-be plan to take things easy and perhaps have a little break from work as the birth of their baby draws near. Not Kate McCartney.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

Why I have mixed feelings about Cindy Crawford's leaked photo

Last week an un-retouched photo of model Cindy Crawford surfaced, showing the 48-year-old mother-of -two posing in underwear.

How to create a Peppa Pig pancake

Thought your toddler could not love pancakes any more than they already do? How about if the breakfast treat came in the shape of every two-year-old's favourite cartoon character?

'It's a little life, not a little loss': pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought I was never going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I decided that I wasn't going to form an emotional attachment with this baby.

Bonds Baby Search 2015: what you need to know

February 18 marks the start of one of the most prolific annual baby competitions in Australia: the Bonds Baby Search. And this year is going to be more special than ever.

Who will manage your Facebook account when you're gone?

This is not something that people like to talk about, but Facebook has announced that it will grant users more control over what happens to their pages after they die.

Struggling mum of four wins $188 million

Mother of four Marie Holmes was financially struggling after quitting her jobs at Walmart and McDonald's in order to care for her children.

Pregnant obese women a 'relatively new problem', coroner hears

A first-time mother whose daughter died hours after her frightening birth insists she was never told of the risks of being obese and pregnant.

'I'm angry as hell': the story behind mum's passionate vaccination plea

She has labelled parents who do not vaccinate their children "misinformed imbeciles" - and for that, she makes no apologies.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

8 different kinds of tantrums

I never thought I’d say this, but for a brief moment last week, Kim Kardashian and I had something in common: both our kids had public tantrums.

Polycystic ovary syndrome: symptoms, treatment and your fertility

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female hormonal condition, affecting roughly one in 12 Australian women.

What's the best position for giving birth?

If doing it on your back is out, what's the best position for labour and birth?

Wife forgives snake catcher husband for car surprise

With Valentine's Day coming up, Nat Gilbert could be forgiven for thinking her husband might be planning a surprise for her.

Kids who meet milestones at their own pace

We usually only hear the success stories: tales of the two-year-old who’s talking, running and completely toilet trained. But other stories need to be told too.

Ruby shines as Bonds Baby

Sarah Kiss has a word of advice for proud mums and dads who are keen to enter their babies in this year's Bonds Baby Search Competition - just have fun.

Why dads should go to sleep school

If your family needs to go to sleep school, go with them. You are part of that family and you are part of the solution.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Win a KitchenAid Mixer

Let's celebrate 300,000 fans on Facebook

To celebrate, and to thank our amazing fans, we?re giving away a KitchenAid Artisan Tilt-Head Stand Mixer.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.