Jump to content

Remembering the birth
did I miss something?


  • Please log in to reply
36 replies to this topic

#1 Nico2409

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:11 PM

Not sure if this is in the right place...

My baby girl is 4 months old, and she is adorable. I love her dearly, but it was my husband who wanted kids - I was still on the fence for a long time. I did lots of research and preparation for the birth, hoping for natural drug free, but it wasn't to be - I was induced into a very long painful labour and needed gas and air, topped up epidurals, syntocin and ultimately a vacuum extraction.

My memory of the birth is already fading, and I imagine that's part of nature as well as a result of all the drugs I had. But I never felt like the birth was an amazing, incredible experience. To me it just felt like a very long and frustrating day...

So when I read all these celebrities talking about their amazing births and how it was life-changing, made them feel powerful, "I am woman, hear me roar etc", I feel a bit left out.

Eg. here's Penelope Cruz:
Penelope has previously spoken out about how motherhood has transformed  her life.

She said: 'From the first second, you feel so much love.


'It  is a revolutionary experience. That's the best way I can describe it. It transforms you completely, in a second.


'Nature is very wise and gives  you nine months to prepare, but in that moment, when you see that face,  you are transformed forever.'

I still don't feel transformed...
So did I miss out on this sort of experience because of all the drugs and interventions? Or is it because I was originally ambivalent about having a child? Or is it just, as my husband says, that celebrities talk everything up to make themselves sound so great???











#2 Feral Mozzie

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:19 PM

I don't know the answer, but I'll be following this closely. I also had a traumatic birth after preparing for a natural one, and I didn't feel elated when she was born. You are not alone!

This article is well worth a read, especially the comments:

http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/learni...ld-after-birth/

#3 Tilli+Macey

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:19 PM

I definitely didn't have an instant transformation type of experience. after 28 hours I gave birth, looked at her and then asked the midwives if I could go to sleep now. I now look back and do think of that 28 hours as a special and amazing time and feeling. I also didn't have that rush of love everyone talks about. I have however fallen in love with her as time has passed. I felt like there must have been something wrong with me but now I know it's because i was exhausted. I didn't have any energy to think or feel.
I think a lot of people do feel like Penelope Cruz did. I think that's a natural and normal feeling. But I sure didn't.

#4 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:20 PM

OP I haven't had a baby - but I starkly remember my darling friend telling me the day after her second child was born (no intervention, highly wanted) how she walked into the hospital and it all washed over her again - "Oh hang on - I hated this! I hated, hated, hated this... and now I'm doing it again!"

She made me promise to remind her about that if she ever talked about having a 3rd, she did NOT want to do it again..

Well, guess what she had a third!  Announced it to me when it was already happening - I ummed and aaahhed about reminding her, eventually did, and was greeted with an incredulous "I NEVER would have said that!"



#5 Bluenomi

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:24 PM

I know very few woman who found birth transforming and wonderful. It really is something woman are expected to say but few actually say it honestly. Most will tell you it bloody hurt.

DD herself is wonderful and becoming a mother was transforming but the birth itself wasn't. It hurt, it went for far too long (even a quick birth would have been too long!) and I'd happily never do it again. I will because I want another child but if I could get one without the labour part I'd be happy with that.

#6 wanting3

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:25 PM

Ignore what all of the celebrities say about their birth experiences. Everyone has a different experience, just as every birth is different. They are suppossed to tell everyone how 'empowered' they were, 'how it changed my life' etc, etc, how would they sell papers/magazines if they said it was the worst experience of their life, and they wouldn't do it again for one of their oversized pay packets.
They also tell you they have never had plastic surgery, do you believe everything they say?
Instead talk to others around you, people you respect and admire, and get them to tell you their stories. I am sure they will be more like yours than you would think.

#7 Jax12

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:31 PM

I had an elective c-section due to health reasons which was really calm and pleasant but no omg transformative experience when DS was placed on my chest.  I really struggled with the fact that I didn't bond with him immediately.  My mother had told me that the love hit you so fiercely in such a primal way that it was overwhleming...yeah, nah, not for me.  In fact I didn't get that overwhelming love for a few months.  Don't get me wrong, I adored him to bits but I had to mentally grow into my new role over time.  Lots of guilt there for me...I tell every one of my friends who doesn't have children about my experience.  I hope they get hit by the love bus the moment their child enters the world but just in case they don't I want them to know they haven't failed immediately at motherhood, which is how I felt.

#8 Bassaf

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:33 PM

Don't worry op I was the same too( no la di dah , choir of angels birth here!;)
I thought I'd get some rush holding him for the first time but it all felt a bit clinical and then my son pooed on me! wink.gif Haha

#9 B0612

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:36 PM

I think we are entitled to feel whatever emotion we need/do feel after having a child. Of course if you have a long drawn out labour you are bound to feel exhausted and an abundance of emotions towards your child, what those emotions are depend entirely on the individual. Not everyone looks at their child the moment they are born and fall inlove with them. My sister did not bond with her child at all and to this day she wonders if she did the right thing in having children, she loves them but sometimes thinks motherhood isn't for her.

I on the other hand had a wonderful pregnancy, very few complications aside from severe hip pain. My labour was fantastic, not entirely painful, not drawn out, spontaneous and as soon as DS entered my arms I was inlove. I did however find the few weeks that followed incredibly difficult and it had me questioning whether or not I was a good mother and was meant to be a mother. I had so much anxiety and DS was so unsettled from weeks 2-6 and extremely reliant on me (which I did expect from a newborn) that I questioned every choice I made and over analysed every aspect, it drove me insane. Now DS is 8 weeks old and I feel he and I know eachother so well, he is more settled and I feel more confident in myself.
No matter what kind of pregnancy/labour/newborn you have you are entitled to feel any emotion you need to! As long as you are not feeling like you are no longer yourself or see signs of PND.

#10 stressnless9

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:40 PM

I dont remember the whole lot but i was close to having a c section, at that stage i just thought i dont even care just hurry up, not long after i was fully dialated and had my baby 40 mins later, and no i didnt get that rush of love or anything like that i did have a huge smile on my face but my first words were is it normal that hes breathing like that? (he was totally fine)  a minute or 2 later i asked DP to take him - placenta was stuck and broken in half and i lost a heap of blood i dont remember being scared or anything like but even the day after i barely spoke a word and my partner looked after the baby. the day after that is when i started to feed him and bathed him still not really feeling much different......then he got sick and was taken to special care.....the moment he was sent there i felt as though i got that burst of love, felt so scared and did not want him out of my sight. they would call me when he was ready for a feed and i would wake up about 1 minute before the phone call every single time!

i still wonder why i was the way i was those first 2ish days.

I also wonder if everyone else feels that instant burst of love and all that or just feel glad for it to be over etc? it really didnt make me feel powerful or any different now that what i was before i had him. i forget most of the time what i went through (as in pregnant,birth etc) to get him here. Now its just the normal me plus my babe!

#11 Feralina

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:41 PM

QUOTE (Jax12 @ 13/02/2013, 03:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I had an elective c-section due to health reasons which was really calm and pleasant a very quick and intense vaginal birth but no omg transformative experience when DS was placed on my chest.  I really struggled with the fact that I didn't bond with him immediately.  My mother had told me that the love hit you so fiercely in such a primal way that it was overwhleming...yeah, nah, not for me.  In fact I didn't get that overwhelming love for a few months.  Don't get me wrong, I adored him to bits but I had to mentally grow into my new role over time.  Lots of guilt there for me...I tell every one of my friends who doesn't have children about my experience.  I hope they get hit by the love bus the moment their child enters the world but just in case they don't I want them to know they haven't failed immediately at motherhood, which is how I felt.

This, exactly. I don't think I felt the overwhelming rush of love fully until he was over a year old. I felt terribly guilty. My mother just recently apologised to me for what she'd said; she never knew that not all women feel that instant rush of love.

Thank god I had a friend (like Jax12) who had been completely open and honest about not having that bonding thing going on - it made me feel a little bit more normal!

#12 Feral_Pooks

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:48 PM

The birth of my son was revoltingly painful and traumatic due to uncaring medical people. I was so disconnected to the moment when they handed me the baby. I did feel very protective. But not a rush of love. Not transformed. Just exhausted in every way. Just feeling disconnected from what was happening. In shock. Wanting to go back in time. Feeling attacked and unsafe. Wanting to hand him back and run away and pretend it never happened.

And yet, next Tuesday he turns one. And there is no doubt in my mind that my life has been transformed, and my love for him has transformed me.

Somewhere in this first year it happened, it has been slow, sometimes hard fought for, sometimes happening in gentle moments that I can only later reflect were special, sometimes it has happened without me even noticing. But it has happened, a love has grown that has changed every cell in my body.

It might not sell magazines but I still think it makes a pretty good story. The truth is that real life can be so much more complicated than the stories we tell. We each have our own journeys, no two are the same. Yours might not be one of those love at first sight stories, but you and your baby will have a love story all of your own.

#13 elizabethany

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:51 PM

Everyone reacts to pregnancy and birth differently, and there is no "wrong" answer.

I remember my dad telling me that he fell in love when I opened my eyes.  I didn't feel anything like that with DS, just overwhelmed.  It wasn't until he was interactive that I started to bond, and not until he called me mummy that I felt like one.

Give it plenty of time.

#14 Jo-Anna

Posted 13 February 2013 - 03:03 PM

I certainly didn't have 'that' moment OP. Even though I had a wonderful natural birth, I can remember those first few moments after he is born staring at the ceiling thinking 'thank **** that's over'. I didn't even look to see what the sex was, actually I didn't look at him at all for about 10 minutes till one of the midwives said 'oh my he is one big baby'.

I look back now and I can say I am super proud of how the birth went (as in proud of what my body achieved), but a lot of that was luck and having a great team.
I must say though that now I am one of those obnoxious mums who thinks the sun shines out of DS's bum, so i think the bond was there from the start, it perhaps was just a bit delayed setting in.

#15 TinyTeddys

Posted 13 February 2013 - 03:06 PM

I have not had a traumatic birth so I can't comment on that aspect. I think celebrity's say what they think people want to hear...they don't want us to know if they struggle. Many years ago I remember reading that Kate Winslet lied about the birth of her first child (I can't remember what she said but essentially she said had a NVD when she had a CS).

My DS3 was intervention free and what most (as well as myself) would consider a great birth....there were no instant love. I remember my first thoughts were WTF!! It probably took a few days to bond with him.

And now I'm doing it all over again....  happy.gif

Be kind to yourself xoxo

#16 Soontobegran

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:26 PM

To me the labour and birth of my children was a means to an end but my first was so traumatic it took about 48 hours before I could look at her and think it was worth all the effort. My subsequent births were not traumatic but no more enjoyable, I have never felt that I have missed a single thing by not feeling this overwhelming rush of joy that was anything other than relief that the labour was over.

This has not impacted my relationship with my children in the slightest and I think the worst thing to do is to take heed of other people's accounts of their labour as you will often feel that there is something wrong with you that your experience was different.
I can honestly say that 2.5 decades after my last birth the way they were born and how I felt is of zero importance.


ETA I just need to add that having said this that I realise that my story is not necessarily that of others and that birth trauma can negatively impact the lives of those who have experienced it for a long time.

Edited by soontobegran, 13 February 2013 - 05:30 PM.


#17 lucky 2

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:56 PM

Hi Nico,

I have moved your topic into the Traumatic and Disappointing Birth Experiences forum, I hope that is acceptable to you.
The link remains in the Birth-6 months forum but you may receive more responses in this forum.

Kind regards,

lucky 2
Moderator of the Birth-6 months forum

#18 Feralina

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:19 PM

QUOTE (Pooks_fembo @ 13/02/2013, 03:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Somewhere in this first year it happened, it has been slow, sometimes hard fought for, sometimes happening in gentle moments that I can only later reflect were special, sometimes it has happened without me even noticing. But it has happened, a love has grown that has changed every cell in my body.

It might not sell magazines but I still think it makes a pretty good story. The truth is that real life can be so much more complicated than the stories we tell. We each have our own journeys, no two are the same. Yours might not be one of those love at first sight stories, but you and your baby will have a love story all of your own.


Just beautiful, Pooks. We've never met, but I have been, and am, so inspired by your journey to get to this point. huge happy birthday to your boy next Tuesday.

#19 RealityBites

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:25 PM

I had a similar first birth to yours. It was horrendous and really affected my bonding experience.

My second birth was utterly transformative, natural, endorphins, fantastic, helped so much with the bonding. I am still more in love with my second child and have to work more on my relationship with the first ph34r.gif

Everybody and every birth is different. I am profoundly grateful for my second experience but the first was also important - it gave me my beautiful first DD!

#20 cinnabubble

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:30 PM

I don't think I had a particularly traumatic first birth experience. It was long and I was exhausted and the unanaesthetised episiotomy at the end wasn't the most fun I've ever had, but it wasn't particularly traumatic. Yet it was months before I could close my eyes to go to sleep at night without going back there to the delivery room. It took a long time for the experience to be assimilated into who I was. The sense of responsibility hit me immediately, but the unconditional love took a few months.

People feel what they feel and celebrities are expected to have transformative experiences for the benefit of the public, so that's what they deliver. Who knows what the truth is for people beyond ourselves?

#21 eachschoolholidays

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:37 PM

I had an emergency c-section and then an elective c-section.  There was nothing particularly traumatic about them.

Even then, in both cases I felt a little detached from the babies.  I remember being really interested in them and glad they had been born safely but I definitely didn't get that overwhelming rush of love.  

That overwhelming love came later after I had spent some time alone with them.



#22 axiomae

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:59 PM

I had a wonderful natural birth with DD which was hard work but amazing. Those endorphins are some drugs I tell ya! That said, I didn't bond straight away. I kept looking at this red, blood-covered baby on my chest with a mixture of fear and curiosity, as in, I know you're mine, but what am I supposed to do with you?! The love came, and my goodness she's captured my heart original.gif

#23 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:51 PM

I think back to my birth and have fond memories of pushing DS out and them handing him to me. I think back to it with such love and happiness.

I'm sure the realty was completely different though and I do remember feeling nothing for DS. I loved him but I wasn't particularly attached to him and I didn't really feel a great need to hold him or anything.

And the birth itself, Well, I'm pretty sure I had thread on EB while i was in labour and i was whinging about everything LOL!

The birth was nothing like a planned but it was okay. I had prepared for a drug free water birth but ended up being induced due to medical reasons. I remember feeling so disappointed and I remember being so focused on birth and that was it.

This time around I really couldn't give a sh*t if I give birth in the supermarket on the way home from work. My experience of last time really made me feel like its just a means to an end.

#24 Loulla

Posted 13 February 2013 - 10:13 PM

I had an amazing birth, for some reason I was very relaxed at home for the 24hr of labour before going into hospital when the contractions got really intense. I was in another zone which maybe helped the endorphins factor, who knows, or maybe thats why I was in the zone. The birth was transformational for me and felt connected to DS immediately and even more now to the point where my heart is melting! I feel very grateful and hope so much I may have the same experience again with number 2.

#25 SWMonkey

Posted 13 February 2013 - 10:31 PM

Celebrities do talk it up. I remember reading one particular book written by a neonatologist and he recalls reading about the birth experience of a celeb in a womens mag and it did not at all resemble the birth how he remembered it. She apparently talked about how zen it was etc and it was actually, anything but!






1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Teaching our son to say no to violence against women

Today, on White Ribbon Day - and every other day - we're teaching our son to say no to violence against women.

Mothers told to breastfeed in 'spacious' toilet

If there is one thing the owners of Tillings Cafe can be certain of, it is that the eatery won't win the award for Britain's best baby-friendly coffee shop any time soon.

Mother gives name to son dumped down drain

A woman who admitted to dumping her newborn baby down a Sydney drain has reportedly been allowed to give him a name.

Taking small steps to reduce stress

Are you feeling used up by life's stress, family problems and a demanding job you can't turn off? Many people are way beyond work-life exhaustion. They are functioning as robots.

Bad news: we're running out of chocolate

The world's biggest chocolate-maker says we're running out of chocolate.

Born at 23 weeks, 'Chopstick Baby' survives first week

A baby who was born at 23 weeks has survived her first week of life outside the womb.

Manic stations: the nesting instinct in pregnancy

It might sound like temporary insanity, but almost obsessive nesting as you near your due date isn’t uncommon – even if you’re not usually a particularly clean person.

How a baby can survive alone for days on end

The baby found abandoned in a Sydney drain may have been alone for up to six days without being fed, leaving many asking how he could have survived.

When it begins to look a lot like Christmas

A child's excitement at Christmas time is a beautiful thing, but one dad ponders whether his toddler daughter is getting into the festive mood a bit too soon.

Hospital lets dads the experience some of the pain of childbirth

A new experience is radically altering men's views of childbirth.

Italian doctors questioned over formula bribes

Italian police have placed 12 doctors under house arrest on suspicion of promoting baby milk formula over breastfeeding.

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Those special moments of sibling bonding

Every now and then your child does or says something that is truly memorable.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Baby monitor footage posted online

Footage of Australian babies and children sleeping in their bedrooms are among the images on a Russian site showing live feeds from thousands of homes and businesses around the world.

Did this new dad really hit on his wife's midwife?

Was there really a man who was actually there by his wife’s side as she laboured and gave birth to his child, all while he was making what he perceived to be meaningful eye contact with a midwife?

Keep calm and ignore the Tantrum Trolls

Tantrum Trolls are a small but growing species of predatory bottom-feeders who delight in picking on parents at their most vulnerable.

It's okay to never 'get over' the death of a loved one

The death of children, siblings, and parents has long term impacts on the rest of our lives.

What Mark Latham needs to know about depression and motherhood

Love has nothing to do with mental illness. But love may drive a mother to do something about it.

'We're just trying to keep our child alive': life with FPIES

We have a beautiful seven-month-old son, and his allergy rules our life.

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong'

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reactions to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Carers admit to force-feeding children

Twin brothers have become dads on the same day ? with their partners giving birth in the same hospital, and even the same birthing pool.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.