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He won't go
I need help


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#1 bryce's-mummy

Posted 12 February 2013 - 09:52 PM

Please someone give me advice. Sorry if I babble- my head is a mess.

Some of you already know my back-story. I am sorry I just can't repeat it all here as I am so exhausted over it all. In short, DH is supposed to be moving out after we cannot live together anymore and have no feelings for each other anymore (and haven't for a long while). I am so depressed now I am not sure who to turn to.

So he said he was moving out and applied for a couple of houses. But in the meantime he is still here, at home, with me and the kids. He doesn't talk to me about it or anything really. Just exists in the same house. He is cold yet still seems to expect me to cook and clean up after him. He also hasn't discussed the plans of what will happen- or what is happening (ie- who takes what, how often he will see the kids etc). I need to apply for single parenting payment and I need to sort my own sh*t out- which I can't with him here. I don't know when he's going, where he's going etc. At first when he said he was definately going (as this situation has been happening the last 3 years) I of course didn't believe him as I'd heard it all before and was sick of it but then he mentioned that he called child support about how much money he would need to pay. Apart from that he has made no effort, in my mind, to take forward steps.

So fast forward to today- DS is having a really hard time at school in a new class (separate issue from home- or is it?) and I don't know why. He's having such a hard time that his behaviour is uncontrollable at home and he doesn't want to go back to school. sad.gif And I just don't have the strength to cope with any of this. But earlier this evening DH and I we have yet another argument (about DS) and he storms out the house (again) after I say "I've had enough of this"- which I totally have.

I feel unloved and uncared for. It's like that highschool romance all over again.

I want to be able to start my new life. I just can't "up and move" from here right now but it's not fair that I feel like I have to- as there are no other choices. The time and effort and heartache it would take to move house would be enormous. Anyway, I made mention to DS tonight that we may need to look at moving and he sobbed (he never cries). Stupid thing to talk to a 6 year old about, I know. Add it to the list of my parenting fails  cry1.gif

So, I'm not coping. And do not know who to turn to. I think DH should go and should do so as soon as possible so that I can try and piece together any piece of my horrible and broken life sad.gif

Edited- always spelling!

Edited by bryce's-mummy, 12 February 2013 - 09:57 PM.


#2 live_love_laugh

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:02 PM

Oh what a terrible situation you are in,

I'm not sure if this is much help but could you write down a suggestion for how you would like the child support payments, custody etc arrangements to be and give him a a copy asking him to read, think about and respond with any changes he would like you to consider?

I would Also ask him 'Are you moving out or do the Kids and I need to start looking for a place? I really don't think It's fair to uproot the children but you are not giving me many choices' If he says yes make an exact date and remind him of it.

sending hugs, it must be so so hard living like that.

#3 Bam1

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:09 PM

You may already know this but you can be considered separated when still living under the same roof. You need to complete a quite extensive form but at least it may help your finances until he moves out.

Take one day at a time and I hope your situation improves soon.

#4 libbylu

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:12 PM

Sorry things are so hard at the moment.
I am sure your kids are picking up on your stress. If you are separated from your husband he really does need to leave to relieve the stress of the situation.
When my brother separated from his wife (he chose to leave after counseling failed), she gave him three weeks to get out.  She set a date and that was it. Can you set a deadline and if he hasn't found a place by then he will have to stay with friends - who and where is not  your concern.  My brother ended up with friends for about 10 days before his rental place came through.
I think you can also be declared 'separated under the same roof' for centrelink purposes, so you may be able to get that process happening already.
Hope things are looking up soon.

#5 Funwith3

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:35 PM

You poor thing.... can your husband see what him staying is doing to your kids? Why is he hanging around, does he hope for a chance at rekindling the marriage? What if you helped him find a new place? You could go to the opens and get application forms for him.

Can you chat to your son's teacher and try to tackle the school issue? If you get that under control you might feel more confident with dealing with your husband. Really try not to let the kids see any of the fighting or tension... although I'm sure you're aware of that. Kids soak it all in. Try taking your kids away from the house as much as possible, creating lovely memories of playground outings and beaches, parks, cafes etc.

Good luck, I hope its all better soon xx

#6 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:16 PM

definately look into 'seperated under one roof' payments, and DONT cook/clean/do his washing anymore, Id go as far as to eat when he wasnt home, or take a picnic dinner out, so that he had to fend for himself.
Also if he wants to eat the food, he can go halves in the grocery bill.

#7 JustBeige

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:59 AM

Oh L, I am so sorry it has come to this.

I agree with the suggestion of you sitting down and writing down what you want to keep, what he can have etc - you may have to be a bit generous so he doesnt have to buy so much furniture, but try not to leave yourself without necessities.

I would set a date and tell him.  Maybe he can move in initially with friends or family.

I would very bluntly tell him that you are no longer together which means you no  longer do all his domestic stuff - same as if he moves into shared accomodation.

I would then apply to Clink and get the ball rolling with that.

I would then talk to the school / teacher and get DS's behaviour sorted.  I would almost guarantee he is acting out because of the stress of the last 12mths, but,  it can be sorted and you can make  this right for him.

Just remember, you do deserve some peace and happiness in your life

Edited by JustBeige, 13 February 2013 - 06:00 AM.


#8 Charli73

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:15 AM

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. That's how my parents were for years until mum could save up enough to move us all out..

I just wanted to add if you're still doing his washing/food etc he isn't exactly going to be rushing out to find a place where he then has to start paying rent and doing his own chores..

All The best, this must be so hard for you and the kids..

Edited by Charli73, 13 February 2013 - 06:16 AM.


#9 Banana Pancakes

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:37 AM

My ex was like this so in the end I had to move. It was a complete pita but the effort was worth it just to be finally free. My ex was so nasty and horrid that it was slowly but surely killing me living in the same house as him.

I know that its not ideal but if a deadline doesnt work with your ex maybe this will be the only option you have?

#10 FloralArrangement

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:25 AM

It must be so draining for everyone with this dragging on and on. Your dh sounds slack and stuck in a rut, cannot see him moving anytime soon. I would look at somewhere for yourself and the kids. Definitely put more formal plans in place.  Think if you move everyone will feel at odds but I am sure when things settle and there is peace and happiness that all will be well and much better than now. Start getting all paperwork together, selling excess items if need be, get those forms from centre link.

If it is just you and the kids would a smaller home/homette/unit suit you better?

What is one thing you can do right away that would help?

I hope your day is ok.

Ps please stop doing things for him it gives him no incentive to shift his butt.

#11 MsDemeanor

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:53 PM

Stop doing absolutely everything for him. Contact centrelink and try and apply for separated under the one roof. Get some counselling to help you feel stronger. I was in a similar position last year when my ex left me on the 11 March but didnt move out until end of April, I paid for everything while he was 'saving for a new place'. I found out last week he actually started seeing a new woman on the 25 Feb last year (ie before he even called it quits) and he has done nothing but make my life a misery since he did actually move out.

#12 hiddensecrets

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:26 PM

Hunni

Apply for single parenting as separated under the same roof.  It is possible.  I have done it and am happy to help. PM me if want some advice on this as it is VERY possible.

stop doing anything for him.  Stop buying his food, stop cleaning up after him.  STOP EVERYTHING.  Not only will it help you it will help your case for separated under one roof.  Allocate shelves in the fridge etc and tell him he is not to touch yours and the kids stuff.  Make him put his washing in a separate pile and do not touch this.

Get your own medicare card without his name on it.  He will then be forced to get a new one.  Make sure you have your own bank account.

You can do this, but you need to stop making it desirable for him to keep living there.

hugs...

Hunni

Apply for single parenting as separated under the same roof.  It is possible.  I have done it and am happy to help. PM me if want some advice on this as it is VERY possible.

stop doing anything for him.  Stop buying his food, stop cleaning up after him.  STOP EVERYTHING.  Not only will it help you it will help your case for separated under one roof.  Allocate shelves in the fridge etc and tell him he is not to touch yours and the kids stuff.  Make him put his washing in a separate pile and do not touch this.

Get your own medicare card without his name on it.  He will then be forced to get a new one.  Make sure you have your own bank account.

You can do this, but you need to stop making it desirable for him to keep living there.

hugs...




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