Jump to content

He won't go
I need help


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 bryce's-mummy

Posted 12 February 2013 - 09:52 PM

Please someone give me advice. Sorry if I babble- my head is a mess.

Some of you already know my back-story. I am sorry I just can't repeat it all here as I am so exhausted over it all. In short, DH is supposed to be moving out after we cannot live together anymore and have no feelings for each other anymore (and haven't for a long while). I am so depressed now I am not sure who to turn to.

So he said he was moving out and applied for a couple of houses. But in the meantime he is still here, at home, with me and the kids. He doesn't talk to me about it or anything really. Just exists in the same house. He is cold yet still seems to expect me to cook and clean up after him. He also hasn't discussed the plans of what will happen- or what is happening (ie- who takes what, how often he will see the kids etc). I need to apply for single parenting payment and I need to sort my own sh*t out- which I can't with him here. I don't know when he's going, where he's going etc. At first when he said he was definately going (as this situation has been happening the last 3 years) I of course didn't believe him as I'd heard it all before and was sick of it but then he mentioned that he called child support about how much money he would need to pay. Apart from that he has made no effort, in my mind, to take forward steps.

So fast forward to today- DS is having a really hard time at school in a new class (separate issue from home- or is it?) and I don't know why. He's having such a hard time that his behaviour is uncontrollable at home and he doesn't want to go back to school. sad.gif And I just don't have the strength to cope with any of this. But earlier this evening DH and I we have yet another argument (about DS) and he storms out the house (again) after I say "I've had enough of this"- which I totally have.

I feel unloved and uncared for. It's like that highschool romance all over again.

I want to be able to start my new life. I just can't "up and move" from here right now but it's not fair that I feel like I have to- as there are no other choices. The time and effort and heartache it would take to move house would be enormous. Anyway, I made mention to DS tonight that we may need to look at moving and he sobbed (he never cries). Stupid thing to talk to a 6 year old about, I know. Add it to the list of my parenting fails  cry1.gif

So, I'm not coping. And do not know who to turn to. I think DH should go and should do so as soon as possible so that I can try and piece together any piece of my horrible and broken life sad.gif

Edited- always spelling!

Edited by bryce's-mummy, 12 February 2013 - 09:57 PM.


#2 live_love_laugh

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:02 PM

Oh what a terrible situation you are in,

I'm not sure if this is much help but could you write down a suggestion for how you would like the child support payments, custody etc arrangements to be and give him a a copy asking him to read, think about and respond with any changes he would like you to consider?

I would Also ask him 'Are you moving out or do the Kids and I need to start looking for a place? I really don't think It's fair to uproot the children but you are not giving me many choices' If he says yes make an exact date and remind him of it.

sending hugs, it must be so so hard living like that.

#3 Bam1

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:09 PM

You may already know this but you can be considered separated when still living under the same roof. You need to complete a quite extensive form but at least it may help your finances until he moves out.

Take one day at a time and I hope your situation improves soon.

#4 libbylu

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:12 PM

Sorry things are so hard at the moment.
I am sure your kids are picking up on your stress. If you are separated from your husband he really does need to leave to relieve the stress of the situation.
When my brother separated from his wife (he chose to leave after counseling failed), she gave him three weeks to get out.  She set a date and that was it. Can you set a deadline and if he hasn't found a place by then he will have to stay with friends - who and where is not  your concern.  My brother ended up with friends for about 10 days before his rental place came through.
I think you can also be declared 'separated under the same roof' for centrelink purposes, so you may be able to get that process happening already.
Hope things are looking up soon.

#5 Funwith3

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:35 PM

You poor thing.... can your husband see what him staying is doing to your kids? Why is he hanging around, does he hope for a chance at rekindling the marriage? What if you helped him find a new place? You could go to the opens and get application forms for him.

Can you chat to your son's teacher and try to tackle the school issue? If you get that under control you might feel more confident with dealing with your husband. Really try not to let the kids see any of the fighting or tension... although I'm sure you're aware of that. Kids soak it all in. Try taking your kids away from the house as much as possible, creating lovely memories of playground outings and beaches, parks, cafes etc.

Good luck, I hope its all better soon xx

#6 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:16 PM

definately look into 'seperated under one roof' payments, and DONT cook/clean/do his washing anymore, Id go as far as to eat when he wasnt home, or take a picnic dinner out, so that he had to fend for himself.
Also if he wants to eat the food, he can go halves in the grocery bill.

#7 JustBeige

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:59 AM

Oh L, I am so sorry it has come to this.

I agree with the suggestion of you sitting down and writing down what you want to keep, what he can have etc - you may have to be a bit generous so he doesnt have to buy so much furniture, but try not to leave yourself without necessities.

I would set a date and tell him.  Maybe he can move in initially with friends or family.

I would very bluntly tell him that you are no longer together which means you no  longer do all his domestic stuff - same as if he moves into shared accomodation.

I would then apply to Clink and get the ball rolling with that.

I would then talk to the school / teacher and get DS's behaviour sorted.  I would almost guarantee he is acting out because of the stress of the last 12mths, but,  it can be sorted and you can make  this right for him.

Just remember, you do deserve some peace and happiness in your life

Edited by JustBeige, 13 February 2013 - 06:00 AM.


#8 Charli73

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:15 AM

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. That's how my parents were for years until mum could save up enough to move us all out..

I just wanted to add if you're still doing his washing/food etc he isn't exactly going to be rushing out to find a place where he then has to start paying rent and doing his own chores..

All The best, this must be so hard for you and the kids..

Edited by Charli73, 13 February 2013 - 06:16 AM.


#9 Banana Pancakes

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:37 AM

My ex was like this so in the end I had to move. It was a complete pita but the effort was worth it just to be finally free. My ex was so nasty and horrid that it was slowly but surely killing me living in the same house as him.

I know that its not ideal but if a deadline doesnt work with your ex maybe this will be the only option you have?

#10 Floral Arrangement

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:25 AM

It must be so draining for everyone with this dragging on and on. Your dh sounds slack and stuck in a rut, cannot see him moving anytime soon. I would look at somewhere for yourself and the kids. Definitely put more formal plans in place.  Think if you move everyone will feel at odds but I am sure when things settle and there is peace and happiness that all will be well and much better than now. Start getting all paperwork together, selling excess items if need be, get those forms from centre link.

If it is just you and the kids would a smaller home/homette/unit suit you better?

What is one thing you can do right away that would help?

I hope your day is ok.

Ps please stop doing things for him it gives him no incentive to shift his butt.

#11 MsDemeanor

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:53 PM

Stop doing absolutely everything for him. Contact centrelink and try and apply for separated under the one roof. Get some counselling to help you feel stronger. I was in a similar position last year when my ex left me on the 11 March but didnt move out until end of April, I paid for everything while he was 'saving for a new place'. I found out last week he actually started seeing a new woman on the 25 Feb last year (ie before he even called it quits) and he has done nothing but make my life a misery since he did actually move out.

#12 hiddensecrets

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:26 PM

Hunni

Apply for single parenting as separated under the same roof.  It is possible.  I have done it and am happy to help. PM me if want some advice on this as it is VERY possible.

stop doing anything for him.  Stop buying his food, stop cleaning up after him.  STOP EVERYTHING.  Not only will it help you it will help your case for separated under one roof.  Allocate shelves in the fridge etc and tell him he is not to touch yours and the kids stuff.  Make him put his washing in a separate pile and do not touch this.

Get your own medicare card without his name on it.  He will then be forced to get a new one.  Make sure you have your own bank account.

You can do this, but you need to stop making it desirable for him to keep living there.

hugs...

Hunni

Apply for single parenting as separated under the same roof.  It is possible.  I have done it and am happy to help. PM me if want some advice on this as it is VERY possible.

stop doing anything for him.  Stop buying his food, stop cleaning up after him.  STOP EVERYTHING.  Not only will it help you it will help your case for separated under one roof.  Allocate shelves in the fridge etc and tell him he is not to touch yours and the kids stuff.  Make him put his washing in a separate pile and do not touch this.

Get your own medicare card without his name on it.  He will then be forced to get a new one.  Make sure you have your own bank account.

You can do this, but you need to stop making it desirable for him to keep living there.

hugs...




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win a copy of 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

To celebrate the launch of EB member and contributor Julia's Watson's first book, we have five copies of Breakfast, School Run, Chemo give away.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGOŽ DUPLOŽ Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.