Jump to content

He won't go
I need help


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 bryce's-mummy

Posted 12 February 2013 - 09:52 PM

Please someone give me advice. Sorry if I babble- my head is a mess.

Some of you already know my back-story. I am sorry I just can't repeat it all here as I am so exhausted over it all. In short, DH is supposed to be moving out after we cannot live together anymore and have no feelings for each other anymore (and haven't for a long while). I am so depressed now I am not sure who to turn to.

So he said he was moving out and applied for a couple of houses. But in the meantime he is still here, at home, with me and the kids. He doesn't talk to me about it or anything really. Just exists in the same house. He is cold yet still seems to expect me to cook and clean up after him. He also hasn't discussed the plans of what will happen- or what is happening (ie- who takes what, how often he will see the kids etc). I need to apply for single parenting payment and I need to sort my own sh*t out- which I can't with him here. I don't know when he's going, where he's going etc. At first when he said he was definately going (as this situation has been happening the last 3 years) I of course didn't believe him as I'd heard it all before and was sick of it but then he mentioned that he called child support about how much money he would need to pay. Apart from that he has made no effort, in my mind, to take forward steps.

So fast forward to today- DS is having a really hard time at school in a new class (separate issue from home- or is it?) and I don't know why. He's having such a hard time that his behaviour is uncontrollable at home and he doesn't want to go back to school. sad.gif And I just don't have the strength to cope with any of this. But earlier this evening DH and I we have yet another argument (about DS) and he storms out the house (again) after I say "I've had enough of this"- which I totally have.

I feel unloved and uncared for. It's like that highschool romance all over again.

I want to be able to start my new life. I just can't "up and move" from here right now but it's not fair that I feel like I have to- as there are no other choices. The time and effort and heartache it would take to move house would be enormous. Anyway, I made mention to DS tonight that we may need to look at moving and he sobbed (he never cries). Stupid thing to talk to a 6 year old about, I know. Add it to the list of my parenting fails  cry1.gif

So, I'm not coping. And do not know who to turn to. I think DH should go and should do so as soon as possible so that I can try and piece together any piece of my horrible and broken life sad.gif

Edited- always spelling!

Edited by bryce's-mummy, 12 February 2013 - 09:57 PM.


#2 live_love_laugh

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:02 PM

Oh what a terrible situation you are in,

I'm not sure if this is much help but could you write down a suggestion for how you would like the child support payments, custody etc arrangements to be and give him a a copy asking him to read, think about and respond with any changes he would like you to consider?

I would Also ask him 'Are you moving out or do the Kids and I need to start looking for a place? I really don't think It's fair to uproot the children but you are not giving me many choices' If he says yes make an exact date and remind him of it.

sending hugs, it must be so so hard living like that.

#3 Bam1

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:09 PM

You may already know this but you can be considered separated when still living under the same roof. You need to complete a quite extensive form but at least it may help your finances until he moves out.

Take one day at a time and I hope your situation improves soon.

#4 libbylu

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:12 PM

Sorry things are so hard at the moment.
I am sure your kids are picking up on your stress. If you are separated from your husband he really does need to leave to relieve the stress of the situation.
When my brother separated from his wife (he chose to leave after counseling failed), she gave him three weeks to get out.  She set a date and that was it. Can you set a deadline and if he hasn't found a place by then he will have to stay with friends - who and where is not  your concern.  My brother ended up with friends for about 10 days before his rental place came through.
I think you can also be declared 'separated under the same roof' for centrelink purposes, so you may be able to get that process happening already.
Hope things are looking up soon.

#5 Funwith3

Posted 12 February 2013 - 10:35 PM

You poor thing.... can your husband see what him staying is doing to your kids? Why is he hanging around, does he hope for a chance at rekindling the marriage? What if you helped him find a new place? You could go to the opens and get application forms for him.

Can you chat to your son's teacher and try to tackle the school issue? If you get that under control you might feel more confident with dealing with your husband. Really try not to let the kids see any of the fighting or tension... although I'm sure you're aware of that. Kids soak it all in. Try taking your kids away from the house as much as possible, creating lovely memories of playground outings and beaches, parks, cafes etc.

Good luck, I hope its all better soon xx

#6 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:16 PM

definately look into 'seperated under one roof' payments, and DONT cook/clean/do his washing anymore, Id go as far as to eat when he wasnt home, or take a picnic dinner out, so that he had to fend for himself.
Also if he wants to eat the food, he can go halves in the grocery bill.

#7 JustBeige

Posted 13 February 2013 - 05:59 AM

Oh L, I am so sorry it has come to this.

I agree with the suggestion of you sitting down and writing down what you want to keep, what he can have etc - you may have to be a bit generous so he doesnt have to buy so much furniture, but try not to leave yourself without necessities.

I would set a date and tell him.  Maybe he can move in initially with friends or family.

I would very bluntly tell him that you are no longer together which means you no  longer do all his domestic stuff - same as if he moves into shared accomodation.

I would then apply to Clink and get the ball rolling with that.

I would then talk to the school / teacher and get DS's behaviour sorted.  I would almost guarantee he is acting out because of the stress of the last 12mths, but,  it can be sorted and you can make  this right for him.

Just remember, you do deserve some peace and happiness in your life

Edited by JustBeige, 13 February 2013 - 06:00 AM.


#8 Charli73

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:15 AM

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. That's how my parents were for years until mum could save up enough to move us all out..

I just wanted to add if you're still doing his washing/food etc he isn't exactly going to be rushing out to find a place where he then has to start paying rent and doing his own chores..

All The best, this must be so hard for you and the kids..

Edited by Charli73, 13 February 2013 - 06:16 AM.


#9 Banana Pancakes

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:37 AM

My ex was like this so in the end I had to move. It was a complete pita but the effort was worth it just to be finally free. My ex was so nasty and horrid that it was slowly but surely killing me living in the same house as him.

I know that its not ideal but if a deadline doesnt work with your ex maybe this will be the only option you have?

#10 Floral Arrangement

Posted 13 February 2013 - 09:25 AM

It must be so draining for everyone with this dragging on and on. Your dh sounds slack and stuck in a rut, cannot see him moving anytime soon. I would look at somewhere for yourself and the kids. Definitely put more formal plans in place.  Think if you move everyone will feel at odds but I am sure when things settle and there is peace and happiness that all will be well and much better than now. Start getting all paperwork together, selling excess items if need be, get those forms from centre link.

If it is just you and the kids would a smaller home/homette/unit suit you better?

What is one thing you can do right away that would help?

I hope your day is ok.

Ps please stop doing things for him it gives him no incentive to shift his butt.

#11 MsDemeanor

Posted 13 February 2013 - 02:53 PM

Stop doing absolutely everything for him. Contact centrelink and try and apply for separated under the one roof. Get some counselling to help you feel stronger. I was in a similar position last year when my ex left me on the 11 March but didnt move out until end of April, I paid for everything while he was 'saving for a new place'. I found out last week he actually started seeing a new woman on the 25 Feb last year (ie before he even called it quits) and he has done nothing but make my life a misery since he did actually move out.

#12 hiddensecrets

Posted 13 February 2013 - 06:26 PM

Hunni

Apply for single parenting as separated under the same roof.  It is possible.  I have done it and am happy to help. PM me if want some advice on this as it is VERY possible.

stop doing anything for him.  Stop buying his food, stop cleaning up after him.  STOP EVERYTHING.  Not only will it help you it will help your case for separated under one roof.  Allocate shelves in the fridge etc and tell him he is not to touch yours and the kids stuff.  Make him put his washing in a separate pile and do not touch this.

Get your own medicare card without his name on it.  He will then be forced to get a new one.  Make sure you have your own bank account.

You can do this, but you need to stop making it desirable for him to keep living there.

hugs...

Hunni

Apply for single parenting as separated under the same roof.  It is possible.  I have done it and am happy to help. PM me if want some advice on this as it is VERY possible.

stop doing anything for him.  Stop buying his food, stop cleaning up after him.  STOP EVERYTHING.  Not only will it help you it will help your case for separated under one roof.  Allocate shelves in the fridge etc and tell him he is not to touch yours and the kids stuff.  Make him put his washing in a separate pile and do not touch this.

Get your own medicare card without his name on it.  He will then be forced to get a new one.  Make sure you have your own bank account.

You can do this, but you need to stop making it desirable for him to keep living there.

hugs...




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tot meets his heroes, falls apart with excitement

Two-year-old Quincy finished his potty training last week, and as part of his reward he was able to meet his idols.

Beautiful in our eyes: Georgia's story

I will never deny the fact that grief has a place when you give birth to a child who brings a set of circumstances very different to what you imagined. Because for nine months, I thought I knew my Georgie.

'It's been phenomenal': widower dad of quads thankful for support

There was nothing Erica and Carlos wanted more than a baby.

Vin Diesel names daughter after actor Paul Walker

The actor said there was "no other person" he was thinking about when he chose the name.

How midwives can help women who experience domestic violence

More than half of women who live with abusive partners experience violence during pregnancy.

Mum describes giving birth during Cyclone Pam

A new mother was told she must flee Port Vila hospital with her baby as Cyclone Pam bore down.

6 signs you're done having babies

There were a few signs I'm never going back to the land of maternity jeans, breast pumps and bassinets.

Marta Dusseldorp reveals breastfeeding cost her an acting job

Australian actress Marta Dusseldorp has revealed she was forced to withdraw from a Sydney Theatre Company production because a director did not approve of her breast feeding.

Female celebs (or their babies) with traditionally male names

Looking for a name that's a little bit different for a girl? Turn to names that have been traditionally used for males, as these celebs (or their parents) did.

'If you're anti-immunisation ... take a look at this picture of my son'

Greg Hughes is "an absolute shell of a man" as he and his wife Catherine struggle to come to terms with the loss of their newborn son Riley to whooping cough.

How an extrovert can raise an introvert

Introverts are often misunderstood as shy, and sometimes even rude. A timid child can be difficult to build rapport with, but it's important we nurture their sensitive natures.

Sheryl Sandberg's advice

'Choreplay': Help out at home to get more sex, Sandberg tells men

Forget foreplay. The new and improved route to intercourse is "choreplay" - it's good for your spouse, good for your house, and comes with the imprimatur of feminist du jour Sheryl Sandberg.

How to play with your baby

The first time your child learns a new skill at playtime is very exciting - for both you and your baby! Play is important to your child's development for a variety of reasons - here are some simple ideas for you to try at home.

I'm a single mother by choice

For me, being the best mother I can be means being a mum alone, at least for now. Thinking of my friends with inadequate partners, I wonder why more people don’t choose single motherhood.

Awkward wedding photos

Weird poses, surprise photobombs, bizarre editing: these are the wedding photos that should have never seen the light of day.

Four-week-old baby Riley Hughes dies of whooping cough

The mother of a four-week-old Perth baby who died after contracting whooping cough says her family has been left devastated by the loss of her "gorgeous, sweet" son.

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Oh boy! Video shows family's reaction to baby surprise

Little Peyton Williams thought she was getting a baby sister named Charlee. But the two-year-old has had to settle for a doll dressed in pink after her baby "sister" turned out to be a boy.

How to help build up your baby's immune system

We all know that having a strong immune system is the best way to stay healthy – but what can we do to help it along?

'Nick, you need to call an ambulance': home birth mum's tragic death

A Melbourne mum who died after the home birth of her baby pleaded with her husband to call an ambulance because she felt she was going to die, the Victorian Coroners Court has heard.

When dads believe their baby doesn't 'like' them

Q: My two-month-old baby doesn't like me. He's perfectly content with my wife, but when I try to hold him, he gets upset and cries. I've backed off a little, thinking that he just needs a little time to get used to me, but that doesn't seem to be working. I'm starting to think I'm just not a very good dad. Is it too late for me to build a relationship with my baby?

When was the last time a stranger praised your parenting?

Wouldn’t it be great to get some nice feedback every now and then? After all, everyone likes to hear positive praise, particularly when it comes to parenting.

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

15 names on the verge of extinction

If you're looking to revive an older name, or don’t want anything near the top 1000 list, check out these rare monikers for your unique baby.

5 characteristics of great dads

It’s great to see a generation of dads who are more actively involved with caring, nurturing and loving their kids.

Why doesn't Australia have more breast milk banks?

When there’s no question that milk banks are important, why don’t we have more of them in Australia?

Carrie Bickmore announces birth of daughter

Television personality Carrie Bickmore has given birth to her second child.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

The place just for dads of multiples

When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.

Brave mum calls for domestic violence law reform

A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.

Why I had the new test for Down syndrome

Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

2015: the year of the sheep

According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.

Breakthrough genetic testing now available in Australia

Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

Family kicked off flight after toddler seatbelt drama

An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.

Stolen baby found after 17 years

A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.