Jump to content

UPDATE - PND?
Am I being pigeon-holed?


  • Please log in to reply
18 replies to this topic

#1 Koobie83

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:12 AM

Hi everyone,
As some of you are aware I've had my fair share of anxiety in this pregnancy. Movements were making me more anxious and I've come to realise that my anxiety about the pregnancy is actually really anxiety about my situation with work, and my DH (I'm just referring the stress I'm repressing from these things by 'overthinking' about the baby).

Anyway, my midwives have been really good about it. They have been really lovely and helpful and the two times I went up to the assessment unit at the Mothers hospital they told me that I am welcome to come up 'anytime' if I'm feeling stressed.

So at my clinic I was asked by my midwife what's really up. I had just watched a video with the group about breastfeeding and right now anytime I see a tiny newborn I get really emotional... I don't know why. So because I was already feeling a bit emotional from watching the little babies I told her about my DH giving me a hard time about the pregnancy and how it's stuffed up his plans... He's totally fine with the baby and being a Dad it's just he's sh*tty with his work and was planning on studying this year (we saved for him to study, but he feels like he can't because his prac is when the baby is due and he's uncomfortable with us both not working). Saying things like why I couldn't wait 3 more months... Yada yada. She asks me whether he's abusing me. Absolutely not! She then tells me verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse. She wrote some contacts down for some counselling which I think would be great anyway and would contact them when I get a referral from my GP.

I've been feeling really good lately. I've not been so worried about her movements and am relaxing more. I know she's ok and I can't compare her movements to other people. She's her own little baby and will do things her way.

So I get a call from my own midwife twice (first call was missed) asking whether everything is fine. I tell her it is. She then starts saying the midwife group are for women with 'normal pregnancies' and she may be able to get me into the hospital for another programme where I can have more appointments (?) or attention or something... I wasn't really listening. She then asked whether I'd be interested in getting some further help through the hospital once she's completed her home visits to help me adjust to having the baby at home because things are much harder once the baby is home... etc. I said yes of course - any help I can get the better. But then I started thinking.

Are they flagging me for PND already? I feel pretty let down because we were told that if we're ever concerned about anything we should contact them. Then I'm told that anytime I'm worried about her movements to call and come up to the hospital so they can check her for me. Now because I've been up twice they are assuming I'm going to have PND?!

PND is awful and any Mums out there who have had it I would love to hear from. Do I sound like a candidate for developing PND? I thought PND can strike anyone not only those who have had a few stresses during their pregnancy. I mean first of all I had a bleed which scared me half to death thanks to my previous losses, then my cousin died just before Christmas, a senior work colleague can't get a grip on the fact that my priorities aren't here with work at the moment and is punishing me for it or ignoring the fact that I'm leaving soon, my husband is having his own crisis (who really should be receiving the counselling) and referring that stress onto me and I am living in a house where I haven't wanted to live for 2 years now and we have no room for the baby yet because DH can't figure out what he wants to do we're stuck there for the time being... again.

I suppose this is more of a vent than anything else, but I just feel a bit let down. I feel like I've been stuck into the 'mad pregnant woman' category without really being told why or being able to really tell them properly what's going on...

Edited by Koobie83, 14 February 2013 - 12:03 PM.


#2 frizzle

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:24 AM

I think anyone who is stressed more than normal is probably at a higher risk of PND. I actually think it's a good thing they are helping you now rather than letting things spiral and you ending up sick with a newborn.

Your DH sounds like mine. Mine has been projected a bit of sh*t of me lately too and is getting worse the closer the birth gets. His latest bug bear is me spending any money, despite the fact that I work and just got a mat leave payout... but I digress.

I wouldn't worry about being flagged at all. I have been put as high risk this pregnancy as I had severe PND with DS. I am all for prevention. They won't think you are mad or anything like that, but will help you with support. It's a big transition and if your DH isn't coping now then it's not going to get easier once the baby arrives.

#3 Taystee

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:38 AM

I would have loved someone to flag me as being higher risk for PND- I may have felt like you did, like I was being pigeon holed but it took months for someone to listen to me and understand that I was struggling. I don't wish that upon anyone else.

Don't knock any extra support you might get- you can always say no later!

Try to reframe it as being lucky that you are being supported rather than "mad pregnant woman" wink.gif original.gif

Good luck OP, it sounds like you have a very caring team around you. Maybe counselling with your husband present might be good too?





#4 lozoodle

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:44 AM

Whether or not you are being flagged I think it is a positive thing. I would much prefer a care provider who was being proactive and offering me these things than one who didn't notice any red flags in me.

#5 againagain

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:49 AM

I think that sounds great and if I were you I would go with it.

It sounds really good to have that extra support. It doesn't mean you have or will get PND, it just means they have recognised you may benefit from some extra visits before and after the birth.

Sounds like you are being looked after really well. Don't label yourself or feel let down at all. Go with the flow, talk when you need to and except the outstretched hand.


#6 againagain

Posted 12 February 2013 - 11:53 AM

I also just wanted to comment on this
QUOTE
She then tells me verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse.


I read one of your other posts about your DH liking to make you cry, and that he gets satisfaction from you being upset, because he is annoyed. Well that is not right either and I wouldn't be surprised if they were far more concerned about possible emotional abuse from your DH than anything being "wrong" with you.

The counselling sounds very helpful, I think your DH possibly needs to go too.

#7 Katie_bella

Posted 12 February 2013 - 12:05 PM

I think you are being flagged as a woman who may require more support anti and post natally and by placing you in a different program will allow them to get the extra funding to pay for extra visits and support. I don't think you should look at this as a negative thing. Your midwives sound like they are attentive and caring and want you and your child to have the best outcome.

As PP has said, i would see the councillor recommended. Even if you are not comfortable thinking about your husbands behaviour as abuse, it is still not supportive. It sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about your expectations of this time and that may be better facilitated with a qualified third party.

Best of luck, pregnancy and the early days of having a newborn can be an incredibly stressful time and i'm glad you seem to be getting more support to help you through this.

#8 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 12 February 2013 - 12:06 PM

I get what you are saying - it's like they are dooming you to have a problem.  

But I think that MW knows the system and how to get you extra support, which any mum could well use.  

I had an anxious pregnancy (IVF cycle 8, a fluid loss at 18 weeks and a fairly messed up delivery due to shingles/chicken pox) and then had a very non-sleepy boob obsessed baby who wouldn't settle.  Everything was so much better when a MCHN "flagged me" and got me into the Tresillian system.  I was able to have home visits, settling advice and very cheap and safe occasional care.   It was lovely to know somebody had my back and was keeping an eye on me.  

Don't worry that anyone is judging you or that (I hope you aren't worried about this) anyone is going to interfere with your parenting in any way.

Edited by meggs1, 12 February 2013 - 12:06 PM.


#9 kate_123

Posted 12 February 2013 - 12:06 PM

hi OP, sorry your having such a tough time with your DH and work at the moment. I completely understand how u feel tho with being flagged. I have a history of mental health issues a few years back following a life incident. Anyways I became very ill in the first trimester with hyperemesis and had a melt down over it cause i was so sick and didn't feel supported by my Ob. He solution was to 'flag' me and give me a referral to a psychiatrist just because i have a mental health history which I was offended by cause all i actually wanted was for his support and care and I felt my anxieties were valid given i was so sick. Of course him flagging me just made me feel so angry and anxious and make the whole thing a million times worse. I also have a lot of anxieties about labor and when the baby is born because of some other physical health issues i have that will impact on my ability to manage. I feel these are very valid concerns but i can see that they will also be 'flagged' as PND which they're not. While its great you have been offered the extra support (btw, the extra support and visits you have been offered sounds awesome), I would also feel upset by them because whilst they will be useful, there misintentioned and theyre not really listening to what the issue is. Anyways, just thought i would add my story to say i understand!

#10 RealityBites

Posted 12 February 2013 - 12:13 PM

Birth can make emotions so much worse. So if you are already exhibiting anxiety etc, then there is a possibility that the hormonal overload of birth can cause postnatal anxiety/depression. There is also the possibility that your domestic situation has flagged you as someone who may develop postnatal issues later on as a result of a lack of support.

#11 RealityBites

Posted 12 February 2013 - 12:20 PM

Yep, much worse to actually get PND (or in my case, postnatal anxiety three days after birth) and find it impossible to get any support. This time, although I am already medicated, I have lined up appointments with psychs etc. You never want to be down that hole alone.

#12 Koobie83

Posted 12 February 2013 - 01:01 PM

Thank you everyone. I guess yes, you are all right. It is good that they are there for me and  organising the support I need now. All the support I can get the better. I know. It's just a bit scary thinking they think I might end up with PND.

I will take any counselling offered, definitely. But I think it's pointless unless DH comes with me. It just seems a bit frustrating that I've been put into this category before I can really explain why I have been feeling the way I have been and that DH probably needs the counselling more than I do.

#13 Natttmumm

Posted 12 February 2013 - 01:10 PM

I think they would flag anyone who is needing a bit of help. That's their job and sounds like they are doing it well.
You have a lot to contend with at the moment and its understandable that you are stressed out. Everyone's life situations are different and these people are their to help those who need it.
I don't think it's a bad reflection on you asking for help. If you feel they are over doing it or becoming annoying you can always say thanks for the help but you would rather contact them if you need to.
I think the comment about it being harder once baby comes is probably true. I had a lot of anxiety with number 1. We had reason to worry during the pregnancy and the worry actually increased once she was born which i did not expect.
I didn't get pnd but I'm sure I was flagged and checked rightfully so. Just because you are having a rough time now doesn't mean you will get pnd



#14 Lishyfips

Posted 12 February 2013 - 03:11 PM

I think it's great you're being offered help and would urge you to take it, just in case. I wouldn't say you're being pigeon-holed, more that this caring midwife wants to give you every bit of support she can to prevent you becoming depressed and/or anxious after the birth. Please don't feel others are judging you - I had post natal anxiety and I swear I was harder on myself than anyone else was.

PND is so common that doctors, midwives, maternal and child health nurses monitor all women to check for signs. Please don't feel singled out when you start getting questions after the birth - they ask everyone. You'll feel so much better if you do need help and get it, rather than pretending things are fine if they're not.



#15 Feral_Pooks

Posted 12 February 2013 - 03:21 PM

OP, it does sounds like you have anxiety issues. It sounds like you are feeling anxious about this service being offered? Do you think I could be right there? And that is okay. Perhaps give them a call and talk to them about it, they may be able to answer some questions to make you feel more comfortable about it. There is nothing wrong with getting whatever help you need. Trust me, with a baby you have to learn to take all the help you can get original.gif

If you ever want to PM me and chat, I'm here a lot laughing2.gif and an open ear.

#16 Futureself

Posted 12 February 2013 - 03:42 PM

QUOTE (Madame Protart @ 12/02/2013, 12:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's a bit sad PND is seen as something 'bad' and people are worried they will be 'flagged' as a possible candidate.  So many woman suffer in silence, I think it's wonderful HPs are looking out for us.

Absolutely.OP, it's not a bad thing so please don't feel defensive. I flagged myself to my midwives at my booking in appointment simply because I have a history of anxiety that although is controlled now, was completely debilitating 10 years ago and I knew that was a risk factor for PND.  I seem to be travelling ok thus far but I also had no qualms talking to my GP and flagging myself there too once DS was here.
All help, any information and whatever support is being offered - take it all.

QUOTE (Koobie83 @ 12/02/2013, 01:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It just seems a bit frustrating that I've been put into this category before I can really explain why I have been feeling the way I have been and that DH probably needs the counselling more than I do.

You're two separate people with different issues though and it's not an either/or scenario. You, and the baby, are the MW's primary priority and they can ensure that they help YOU - get you counselling, get you extra attention, get you lots of support to ease your fears and anxiety. There's not anything they can directly do for your DH. The fact he needs counselling is something that he really needs to do himself. In the meantime you can be well looked after physically and emotionally from your caregivers now and in the future when baby's here as well if you need it. It's a GOOD thing. original.gif

#17 kate_123

Posted 12 February 2013 - 03:45 PM

QUOTE (Madame Protart @ 12/02/2013, 01:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The fact is women who have had past mental health issues are more vulnerable to PND.  It doesn't mean you will get it, but you are more at risk, which is why they ask.  They even ask about a family history as that may also put you at risk.   You said you're suffering from anxieties about labour and when the baby is born, why would you be reluctant to talk to someone about it?  It can't hurt.

I think it's a bit sad PND is seen as something 'bad' and people are worried they will be 'flagged' as a possible candidate.  So many woman suffer in silence, I think it's wonderful HPs are looking out for us.


I guess what I meant was that I was frustrated that he just went past mental history - tick, current anxiety - tick = here is the number of a psych - tick. End of story, not my job to do any more. When really my actual concerns were medically related - ie incredibly sick requiring hospitalisation for hyperemesis and felt he lacked follow up on this and secondly his lack of understanding of my chronic physical health issues and how that will impact on delivery and post birth. Neither of those things in my eyes are PND and in my view he was the appropriate person to address those concerns with me and shoving a number in my face and thats it wasnt helpful or appropriate in my opinion. If I felt I needed psych input I would have no issues with accepting this help and I in no way see PND as something shameful to hide from.

#18 redmum77

Posted 13 February 2013 - 08:08 AM

OP, yep it's hard when you are worried justifiably, and when your DH is the one with more issues than you. Been there original.gif I think as a pp said they can't access your DH, and also a lot of the time the reality is that the blokes get let off sorting anything out and we just have to cope. So that's the bit they want to help with, you coping, or even helping you figure out how to tell him to get help.

I failed the mental health test, right after nearly losing this bub at 14 weeks. I said that I have my own psych (which is true) and that I'll deal with it with him. They were fine with that. I think they tried to help last time when I was married to my ex, and I wasn't completely honest and didn't take the help, and got PND. So yeah, lesson learned... Even if it's someone else's problem, it can become yours very quickly.

#19 Koobie83

Posted 14 February 2013 - 12:10 PM

Hi everyone,
So I've got a call from the Occupational Therapist and have been booked in for an appointment after my next antenatal clinic. I have a rough idea about what they do, but does anyone know what we're likely to discuss? What will she be able to help me with? Coping with stress at work?

I'm this close in telling DH to pack his bags if he can't leave me alone. He had a few digs this morning about his '3 months' things (i.e. why I couldn't wait 3 months?)... yet will say that he thinks it wasn't meant to be (his study) and tell me all these reasons why he 'knew' and then backflip and blame me again. Then just then I sent him a link about stress in pregnancy and said this is why he shouldn't be mean... and he calls me at work to have a go about 'how many times he's told me not to send these emails to his work' (He's convinced his emails are monitored and people read them). Seriously, he's nuts.

Now I'm on the verge of crying here at my desk.  

So over it...




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Why I breastfed my son until he was three

The fact that I not only breastfed my son, but breastfed him for three and a half years, seems pretty incredible in retrospect.

Do babies and young children see ghosts?

Do babies and young children see ghosts? If you’ve pondered the question, you’re not alone.

15 years with Essential Baby: meet Therese

"Life has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it the most."

Mum causes a stir by taking a stand against leggings

A mum has found herself the subject of debate after claiming tight bottoms cause lustful thoughts in men.

Don't set a parenting goal for 2015 - do this instead

The problem with goal setting as a parent is the measure. How do we really know if we’re succeeding?

5 pregnancy myths that just won't go away

When you're expecting, it often seems like everyone is keen to offer advice about what you should and shouldn't do in the interests of your health and wellbeing.

RPA hospital contacting mums after discovering vaccine storage fault

Sydney's Royal Prince Alfred Hospital (RPA) is trying to contact women who had babies at the facility after discovering a fault in a refrigerator containing vaccines.

'Nutella' not a baby name, French court says

A French court has blocked parents from naming their baby girl after the hazelnut spread Nutella, arguing it would make her the target of mockery.

Why I'm never calling myself 'just a mum' again

I’ve grown three human beings. I feed them, dress them, teach them, care for them and love them 24 hours a day. Yet for eight years, when I meet new people and they’ve asked me what I do, I tell them: “I’m just a mum”.

Rosie Batty named 2015 Australian of the Year

One year ago, Rosie Batty could not have imagined she'd be where she is. Tonight the grieving mum who put domestic violence on the national agenda was named Australian of the Year.

Five reasons to hug more

Hugging – some of us thrive on it, even depend on it – and then there are those who don't care for it really. So, are they missing out?

Help - my three-year-old has started throwing tantrums

My daughter never went through the "terrible twos" but began throwing wild tantrums shortly after her third birthday.

That's commitment

First peek at Sonia Kruger's daughter Maggie

"She smells so good, I could eat her," Kruger tells co-host David Campbell.

Mum assists in own caesarean surgery

A mum who partly delivered her own twins during a caesarean has encouraged other women to take control of their birthing experience.

How to handle common childhood regressions

Regression can be a natural and common part of development prompted by a variety of factors, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

Disgruntled dad's pram ad goes viral

When buying a second hand pram, there are lots of things to take into consideration. 

Man discovers he's a dad after finding 55-year-old letter

Discovering you are about to father a baby is startling enough - never mind finding out you have a 61-year-old son.

15 thoughts mums have during a tantrum

Ranging from mild to feral and triggered by events both minor and major, tantrums certainly keep life interesting.

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Forgotten Baby Syndrome claims the life of toddler

One baby dies every eight days in the back of a car in the US, victims of 'forgotten baby syndrome'.

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel. You stole my heart, and changed me into the women I am today.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Chrissie Swan has reached her "sex quota"

Chrissie Swan says she and her partner have sex once a year due to her fear of falling pregnant.

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.