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Upset with DH
Am I too paranoid?

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#1 LulaBelle

Posted 11 February 2013 - 09:46 PM

My DH and I have been together many years and have 2 small children. About 3 years ago both of us were unhappy in our relationship and DH had a fling with a random person. We went to counselling and decided to start afresh. We have what I would say is a good relationship now. I am still having issues trusting him and we have minor flare ups from time to time but mostly we are okay. I'm a SAHM and DH has quite a good job that involves long hours. We have a good group of friends and we rarely socialize with his work colleagues.
About 8 months ago I was using DH's fb account (we use each others quite often it's never been a big deal) when I found a deleted message. It was from a woman that cleans his office. She's around the same age as me and is friends with a lot of his work friends on fb. She sent him through a friend request weeks earlier that he had deleted. I asked who she was and he told me. He also said she was quite friendly and chatted to most of the guys in his office. I asked him not to get chatty with her as I don't know her and don't think it's terribly appropriate for her to be adding him to fb. The message I found was just a cheery hello, how are you and telling him she was working somewhere else sort of stuff. Nothing in it at all. I was a bit peeved he deleted it without telling me and mentioned this specifically at the time. He said he wouldn't delete stuff like that without telling me in the future. All good.
On Friday, DH asked me to reply on an event for him on his fb. After doing that, I checked his message folder and again noticed there was a deleted message from this same girl. It had been sent 2 days prior and he hasn't replied to it and she's not on his friend list. It was quite flirty with saying "hey possum I miss your sarcasm at work" but she also said she hoped him and his family had a good Christmas. I asked DH why he had deleted it and he said he had forgotten to tell me and hasn't replied so he didn't think it was an issue. I'm really upset with him because I view it as lying. I don't think he would have told me if I hadn't found it. DH wrote a reply to her after our discussion that said along the lines of "I don't think it's appropriate to send me personal messages. My wife doesn't know you and therefore I'd prefer you stopped". She immediately sent one back that said "oh sorry, I forget this stuff didnt mean anything by it won't be a problem for you now". She then blocked him.
DH still thinks I'm over reacting and doesn't see an issue with not telling me about the message and hiding it from me. I'm upset because I feel it's a violation of trust. I explained (as I have countless times) that if he were honest straight up, I wouldn't have gotten suspicious or upset.
So am I paranoid? Or is he in the wrong? Most importantly, what do we do about it? Thanks for any help.

#2 KT1978

Posted 11 February 2013 - 09:56 PM

I don't think you have anything to worry about.  original.gif

#3 AngryBird

Posted 11 February 2013 - 09:58 PM

I think you are over reacting and I think you have a perfectly good reason to be doing so!

I think, in a healthy solid relationship with no trust issues, you would be being paranoid - your DH did not reply or respond or friend this woman. He deleted her messages as soon as he received them, which is possibly, in his mind, even more effective than telling you about them. He did not even wait for your direction to delete them - saw them and acted.

However, given the issues of the past and his infidelity, I think it's totally reasonable that you feel your trust is being challenged, and you have this need to control HOW he responds. Because I think that might be what it's about - you don't trust him and you want to control who he communicates with and how, "just in case".
Normally deleting the messages would be more effective than telling you about them and seeing what you want him to do. They are gone. (mostly!)
But since your trust is shaky, you seem to need him to know that you know ..... and you get to decide what he does.

I'd seek counselling so you can learn to not only be "mostly happy" again together, but so you can learn to trust him again and have a healthy relationship. One that includes trust.

I hope you can work through it.

#4 Magnus

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:02 PM

I think it can be easy to be concerned if you've been cheated on in the past and to have trust issues.

But I think it's pretty normal for your DP to add people to facebook that they don't know very well. Most people I know have a couple of hundred friends so it's not likely they know all of them well.

The messages sound pretty harmless.

#5 Tammy Swanson

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:05 PM

Sorry OP but you are paranoid.  You say it is 'all good' but it doesn't sound all good at all. Sounds like you are still making your DH pay for the sins of his past. I understand how hard it must be to get past an affair as my best friend has been through it years ago but every time her DH even looks at a woman he still cops it.

You are way overreacting as if DH had anything to hide why would he ask you to go into his FB account in the first place?? Besides why is it inappropriate for a work mate, female or not to be friends with DH with out your 'approval'. Sounds like you really need to forgive and forget and really move on.

#6 lizzzard

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:07 PM

Your DH did something wrong in the past but his recent behaviour sounds very harmless.

#7 Mis-Placed

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:10 PM

i think you are completely over-reacting (however i can understand why, given your background..) however you need to recognise that you are the one with the issue and not him. he hasn't been inappropriate in the slightest and has done everything you have asked him to do... i.e. asking her not to msg him etc. which honestly may have come across as very strange to her?

What should you do about it? I think you should trust your husband and give him the benefit of the doubt, you can end up driving yourself crazy being suspicious of every little thing like this, you will enjoy life much more trusting each other and openly communicating.

#8 Roobear

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:10 PM

I think you are really OTT. What more can he do?

I would suggest that you go back to counseling because it seems to me you are not over his cheating. (I don't blame you for not being over it because cheating under any circumstance is a deal breaker for us but if you do want to move forward as you say, go back and work on your issues)

Edited by Roobear, 11 February 2013 - 10:11 PM.

#9 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:13 PM

You're being ridiculous.

#10 Lifesgood

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:17 PM

QUOTE (Jemstar @ 11/02/2013, 11:13 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You're being ridiculous.

No really. Just come right out and say what you think.

#11 EsmeLennox

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:22 PM

Yeah, well that's kind of the point. Not everything in life needs to be sugar coated.

#12 libbylu

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:22 PM

double post

Edited by libbylu, 11 February 2013 - 10:30 PM.

#13 libbylu

Posted 11 February 2013 - 10:23 PM

It's hard.  Under normal circumstances I would say you were totally overreacting.  I don't really care who sends my DH flirty messages on facebook and wouldn't expect him to necessarily tell me about it.  I also know for sure he would never respond and trust him 100%.
This is the sad thing about infidelity....it totally changes the goal posts.

"I was a bit peeved he deleted it without telling me and mentioned this specifically at the time. He said he wouldn't delete stuff like that without telling me in the future. All good."

I think this is where you went wrong.  He doesn't have to account for all his actions to you, as long as he is acting appropriately.  He acted appropriately at the time, by deleting the friend request, so I don't think you had any right to be peeved back then, and it was probably onerous to ask him to give you this kind of detail of the insignificant minutae of his life on an ongoing basis- you would think as a couple you have more pressing matters to discuss around running the household and bringing up the kids to bother talking about what happens on facebook.
Given he did promise to tell you about everything that happens on facebook - well I guess he failed to live up to that, but is it really such a big deal?  Again, by not responding to her message he acted appropriately, so I wouldn't be worried about it if I were you.

ETA I am friends with quite a numberof men on facebook my DH doesn't know and visa versa - they are old uni friends, old boyfriends and one or two friends from work and from my current hobby.  He is likewise friends with women I don't know.  In a healthy relationship this is not an issue.  That being said, I keep work friends on face book to an absolute minimum because I like to keep my worlds a bit separate.

Edited by libbylu, 11 February 2013 - 10:29 PM.

#14 Loore

Posted 11 February 2013 - 11:07 PM

Another who thinks you are paranoid.  I wouldn't consider what he did dishonest or as though he is trying to hide something from you but you obviously have a particular sensitivity because of his past actions.  

Only you can decide what you want to do about it, but I think you need to decide whether you can trust him to do the right thing by you now.  The messages and her wanting to be fb friends appear to be innocent, he has acted appropriately but that doesn't seem to be enough for you.  I think expecting him to tell you everything and then assuming the worst if he doesn't is unfair to him.

#15 LulaBelle

Posted 11 February 2013 - 11:12 PM

Thanks for the replies. I guess I should point out that the fling he had started on fb and he would quite often ask me to log in to do stuff for him which is how I found out about it. I know I'm probably being super sensitive about it all. I guess this is a trigger for me. I don't go through his phone or check in with him a zillion times a day etc. Fb seems to be the thing I have the major issue with.

As far as counselling goes, ours told us he needed to be totally accountable which included access to all his stuff like computers etc. I don't think it's necessary this far on. The reason we stopped going was because DH didn't want to go back. He thought we could sort it out on our own. I saw a separate one on my own for 18 months. He said I'd still feel ambivalent for 2-5 years after the discovery. So I sort of thought that our relationship being "ok" wasn't unusual?

Sorry I know I probably sound like a nutcase. I'm too embarrassed to discuss it with friends who already lectured me on cheating being a deal breaker. It was always my deal breaker too because it was never going to happen to us. Until it did.

#16 AllyK81

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:13 AM

OP, I agree with PP that you are probably overreacting in the context of a relationship that has not dealt with infidelity. However, in your case, trust has been broken and is being rebuilt so your feelings are completely understandable.

How does your DH feel? Does he think your reaction is fair? If so, it seems he is doing the right thing (deleting the messages) and understands that you are still healing.

If he feels you are being unreasonable, maybe it is time for some more counselling. A refresher session certainly couldn't hurt.

Forgiving infidelity is so hard. I tried to forgive a previous partner but ultimately couldn't, although it took 3 more years of heartache to figure it out.

Good luck.

#17 MrsWidget

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:15 AM

QUOTE (Madame Protart @ 12/02/2013, 09:04 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You don't sound like a nutcase OP.  You sound like someone who has had their trust broken in a very cruel way by someone who is meant to love and protect them.

It does sound innocent to me.  It sounds like he genuinely forgot or didn't want to upset you.

I agree with the above. Perhaps some more counseling for you both would be good. IMHO it's not up to him to decide when you both don't need any more. He should continue going for as long as you ask him too.

#18 Bedge

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:26 AM

I think you are over reacting, but with valid reason (if that makes sense!). Given what has happened in the past, I think you are hyper sensative to what may happen in the future.

From what you have said it seems like your DH has been respectful to you on this specific issue. I wouldn't get to caught up on the fact he 'forgot to tell you' as it seems he handeled everything else appropriately.

Obviously still some big trust issues are lingering (which you are entilited too!). Maybe rather than focusing on the specifics of this issue, you could use it as a building block that you both need to address the larger issue of lingering trust issues?

#19 AngryBird

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:28 AM

I think since he was the one who cheated, that YOU get to decide when counselling finishes. He can demonstrate his committment to healing this by continuing until you feel it is fixed, not when he get sick of attending sessions.
Perhaps a different counsellor might be an option, so it's someone he is comfortable seeing - but I don't think he gets to decide when the counselling is over, since it was his infidelity that resulted in your lack of trust, which appears to be the issue.

And I'd have no issues telling him precisely this - "I am struggling and realise I still don't trust you. I want this to be healed - we need to return to counselling TOGETHER so we can rebuild a healthy relationship. And we continue the counselling until we are BOTH satisfied we're right to move on alone."
If he has an issue with this, I'd suggest it is a good way for him to show me he is also committed to seeing you healed from the wrong he did you.

#20 Sweet like a lemon

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:34 AM

I think you have to be careful. I think you could be digging yourself a hole. I think continuous suspicion over messages that are archived and not replied to is preventing you from moving forward and cannot be good for your relationship. If he responds in an inappropriate way or suddenly locks you out then worry, until then I think you should let it go.

#21 Jess1308

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:43 AM

It does sound like you are still holding him to account, you have not truly forgiven him. No judgement it must be very difficult. However if FB was the issue I would suggest you both stop using it.

#22 kpingitquiet

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:51 AM

I've been in pretty much your exact situation and I think you're completely justified in your feelings. Once bitten, twice shy. The problem with liars is they then expect people to believe them later on...and that's freaking hard to do. A return to counseling might be wise, not because you're paranoid and need to get over it, but because he is still not a trustworthy person in your eyes, which is his own doing, and something still needs repairing between you.

I hope you're feeling okay. I know how it feels.

#23 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 12 February 2013 - 08:52 AM

QUOTE (LulaBelle @ 11/02/2013, 09:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So am I paranoid? Or is he in the wrong? Most importantly, what do we do about it? Thanks for any help.

I think he has done what you wanted, responded quickly and the messages seemed to be pretty harmless. I don't think he was deliberately trying to hide stuff on FB from you - he simply didn't see it as relevant and deleted the messages without thinking about it.  I don't think you are paranoid, but I do think you are sensitive, given past history.  If it had been messages from a 64yo woman with grandkids who was his building's cleaners who sent the same messages (for example), would you have reacted the same way?

Obviously still some big trust issues are lingering (which you are entilited too!). Maybe rather than focusing on the specifics of this issue, you could use it as a building block that you both need to address the larger issue of lingering trust issues?

agree with this, although it sounds like some separate sessions just for you might be beneficial as well.

QUOTE (LulaBelle)
As far as counselling goes, ours told us he needed to be totally accountable which included access to all his stuff like computers etc. I don't think it's necessary this far on. The reason we stopped going was because DH didn't want to go back. He thought we could sort it out on our own. I saw a separate one on my own for 18 months. He said I'd still feel ambivalent for 2-5 years after the discovery.So I sort of thought that our relationship being "ok" wasn't unusual?

It probably isn't.  Until something triggered feelings of mistrust again.  Which is what has happened, not surprising considering how you found out about the fling a few years ago.  Talk to your DH about this again.  Say it's starting to bring back all those memories of what happened last time and you are feeling fragile.  But keep in mind, it does not appear that he has been responding to 2 FB messages - he deleted them.  And has asked her directly not to contact him again.  It sounds like he trying to do the right thing.

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