Jump to content

Dealing with unhelpful mum since my daughter passed


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 winteronspargos

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:26 PM

I really need to vent....Its embarrassing and sad, but my mum hasn't dealt with the loss of my girl passing well at all, and makes my recovery harder.

Does anyone else have experiences of family or friends having difficulty dealing with your loss?

She's such a stressed person, she makes me stressed just being in her company. Ive found myself supporting her far more than she has been able to support me.

Today she's sent me an email criticising me for putting up an update (6months agao) to notify my contacts of the events leading to our baby's passing. She would have been told by someone else as she isn't on fb.
it was well written and very appropriate. I haven't been back since then so its the only thing currently on my page. Her suggestion is : 'time to move on'.... 'we all suffered a loss that day'.

Oh and by the way...i nearly died during labour. I am just so irritated. I don't want to hurt her (like she has hurt me), but i feel like i should send her a list of do's and don'ts so she doesn't stick her foot in it.

Its easy to forget that family and friends aren't guarenteed to know what to say.

#2 copham

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:37 PM

I think when you lose a baby you forget that it affects those you are close to as well. When DD was born sleeping all my family came to the hospital to see her as this was the only chance but my older sister who was down visiting refused, posted it on facebook about her passing before I had and kept complaining she wanted to be dropped off to the airport to my parents.

At the time I was p*ssed off and thought she was being selfish but a few months down the track we had a massive talk as I was hurting and found out she was hurting just as much and this was her way of dealing with it. My suggestion is to sit down and talk to your mum in a non confronting manner a f remember that although you lost a child, she lost a grandchild.

It's easy to see the mother as the only casualty to an event like this, even my DH was overlooked when DD passed so I only imagine relatives who are touched by the event get no support. Her responses to you sound like she is still struggling with the loss and trying to "move on" instead of dealing with it.

I am sorry for your loss OP and I hope you can talk to your mum.

#3 Lyn29

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:42 PM

Some people are useless at support. I am sorry your mum, who should be there for you, isn't able to give you what you need.

.

Edited by bye, 29 March 2013 - 02:33 PM.


#4 opethmum

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:55 PM

I am so sorry about your loss and I offer my condolences.

I am going to be blunt about your mother, not that she does not care I think you need to engage some family counselling and only engage when you are ready to. When people say "time to move on" do not grasp the widespread of your personal tragedy which has happened and I would hazard those people in your life. These people want to make it about them and them only and they do this so they do not have to deal with your emotions at all and feel indignant if you dare question why and that is wrong.
Should you cut her out of your life? It depends on you, if you feel that every time you raise your pain with her and she is openly dismissive, hostile and negative then that is not healthy and not on in my opinion and if that is too much to bear you have your answer.

You matter in this life and you deserve unconditional support from those around you, please do not accept mediocrity and if your pain is too unbearable I would seek counselling and take it day by day and engage with a counsellor you gel with and feel comfortable with.

I sincerely wish you the best and you deserve love and compassion and healing.

#5 Chookamazzo

Posted 14 March 2013 - 05:47 PM

Hi winteronspargos,

Firstly my sincerest condolences on your loss. I share you pain, it is something that none of us should have to bear, however personally I have learnt many things during my time of grief and believe that the universe (i'm not religious therfore not god) has created this event in my life to create the strength and wisdom I was lacking to continue my journey through life.

Secondly I can completely empathise with your Mother Issue. I was having some of the same issues with my mum, which wasn't surprising, everything always has to be about her. To give you a idea of what it's like 'It's Christmas day, i pick up mum to take her to my Aunty's house for a big family Christmas, we are about 10 mins from arriving when she starts telling me how she has had a big skip bin clean up of the old garage, "oh by the way i threw out your old baby bath and bouncer, it was taking up too much room" My mouth drops, my heart stops. My cousin had returned these items to me about 3 years prior, they had been in her shed, all dusty and dirty (her kids now in their late teens) I had meticulously cleaned them perfectly, brought the yellow and white polkadot bouncer liner back to perfect condition, covered them in drop sheets and put them into our garage for when we would have our children. "You what?, Why would you do that?" "Why would you tell me that now, on Christmas Day" You know how much time i spent restoring those, why would you not just ask me to take them?" She hits the roof, she starts bawling her eyes out, telling me what a b**ch I am, "as if you would ever have used them". And then "Well thanks alot, you wrecked my christmas day! She then proceeded to ignore me the whole entire day, moving from room to room everytime i eneterd one she was in. It was pathetic, childish, extremely hurtful, my Nanna & Aunty noticed and were disgusted in her behaviour.

But she is my mother, I could never cut her off, as much as sometimes i wish i could.

I asked her why she had been so unsympathetic during my grieving period, she didn't think she had. . .but then I finally got her chatting about her miscarriage, it happened after i was born (i'm the youngest of two) she explained that's when she had her nervous breakdown, she didn't say too much after that, but i think it finally clicked for me why she is the way she is. I don't think she has ever been able to cope with the loss of that little baby and i think a lot of that grief and the breakdown has created the person we see today. I don't know how private your mother is, but my mother has never shared anything with us, keeps her cards so close. However i have learnt over the years, if she is stressed, frustrated, angry, selfish or sooky it is usually because she is angry with herself, not me. Maybe there is a chunk of your mothers journey that you don't know about yet, maybe that's what makes her seem so un-supportive. It doesn't make the way other mothers treat us right, but it may help to understand your mother if you can talk to her about her journey, it may make it easier to approach the way she is treating you for a mutually supportive environment.

Sorry for the novel, this issue effects me on a weekly basis (we no longer live in the same state) so i had to write to help share your pain, i know how it can make you feel so discarded. Hopefully you have others around you to provide the support you need, i have a couple of women i call my surrogate mothers, i get all the support i need from them.

Take Care and always be good to yourself.



1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win $1000 with Sea-Band

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

Misery loves Facebook

Facebook users are often criticised for only showing the positive, fun parts of their lives. But what about when it swings the other way, when someone uses it for the purposes of ranting about their children all the time, never posting anything positive?

Toddler's adorable impersonation of pregnant mum

Little Ellis has noticed his mum is walking differently lately, and his impersonation of her is hilarious.

'Forgotten baby syndrome' can happen to any one of us

When my third child was two months old, I strapped her into her car seat, then promptly forgot all about her. But she survived, unharmed, because it was winter, and I was lucky.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

Ten things I've learned about motherhood

Never take a good night's sleep for granted. There is no logic like toddler logic. Standing on Lego hurts every time. These are the truths of parenthood.

Parenting past the toddler years: what's next?

Your baby has grown into a toddler, and now your toddler is fast approaching the preschooler stage. What can you expect as a parent?

Tips on what to pack in your hospital bag

Before giving birth I read countless lists, ended up overpacking just a little, and now know what I'll actually want to pack next time.

New app keeps tabs on your kids at childcare

Popular new technology lets parents know what their children are up to at childcare - but not everyone is a fan.

21 things I love about newborns

There?s an irresistible magic about newborns. Of course they're not all smiles and rainbows, but they are undeniably cute and remarkable in so, so many ways.

Kid-friendly hairdressers: who says haircuts can?t be fun?

I?ve found some salons who boast setups ideal for children ? you name it, they?ve thought of it. All are designed to make haircuts fun rather than stressful.

Labour pain relief may reduce risk of postnatal depression: study

Postnatal depression is a complex condition, but researchers say pain relief during labour may help some women.

Why we need better support for men after miscarriage

In a recent study, 85 per cent of men admitted feeling sadness after their partner miscarried, but almost half said they didn't share their feelings at all. What can be done to help them?

Mum in business: Kristy Chong

Kristy Chong is the managing director of Australian-made Modibodi underwear and a mum to Lucas, 6, Jason, 4, and Isaac, 6 months. She shares her advice for other mums thinking about starting their own businesses.

From toddler to preschooler: a developmental roadmap

So your toddler is growing up and will soon be entering the preschooler years. Here are a few ways to frame their development that will help you understand what?s going in those beautiful, funny, clever little heads of theirs.

Mum sacrifices an eye for her unborn baby

Motherhood is full of sacrifices, but this woman has made a life-altering one - and her baby hasn't even been born.

A grandparent by any other name

A growing number of grandparents are shunning tradition and going against conventional names - but a grandparent by any other name still gives the same awesome cuddles and kisses.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

When labour just doesn't happen

After three healthy kids, I can?t help feeling I?ve been a little ripped off. I missed out on something I had always wanted to experience, and now I?ll never get the chance.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Share the little things that make you smile

We're giving away a Mountain Buggy nano, the ultimate travel stroller - and here are some of the great entries so far.

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Win $1000 with Sea-Band

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

The beautiful moment a baby was born at the side of a road

It's not where she expected to give birth, but mum Corrine Cinatl is delighted that her daughter's roadside arrival was captured in a series of beautiful photos.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

The Nappy Collective starts new drive

It's that time of year when the dedicated volunteers at The Nappy Collective do their bit to help out mums and children in need - and they need your help.

Baby shower cake wrecks

From misshapen cake babies to questionable text, from odd colour choices to internal organ recreation, these are the baby shower cakes that taste forgot.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

Pregnancy progression photo ideas

Want to record your pregnancy as your belly grows? Here are some creative, fun ideas for photo shoots along the way.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Tin can craft and DIY ideas

Got a few old formula, Milo or coffee cans around the house? Use these fantastic upcycling ideas to create items for around the house and yard.

Dads meet their newborn for the first time

Emotional photos of two fathers meeting their newborn son have resonated with viewers worldwide, attracting thousands of Facebook likes and shares.

Skin safety isn't just a summer worry

Lax about the slip slop slap with your kids as weather turns cooler? Here's a reminder as to why we have to remain vigilant for our children?s future health.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

Creative sleeping baby photoshoots

See how some parents and photographers have captured sleeping babies in unusual positions and using different props.

DIY kitchen and food hacks

DIY your way to a better kitchen and make cooking easier with our clever hacks. (Some content reproduced with permission from mashable.com.)

Winter warmers for babies and toddlers

Your baby or toddler will be nice and snug in these beautiful and fun winter pieces. Most are hand-made or knitted, and they're all designed to keep your little one toastie - and adorable!

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.