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Dealing with unhelpful mum since my daughter passed


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#1 winteronspargos

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:26 PM

I really need to vent....Its embarrassing and sad, but my mum hasn't dealt with the loss of my girl passing well at all, and makes my recovery harder.

Does anyone else have experiences of family or friends having difficulty dealing with your loss?

She's such a stressed person, she makes me stressed just being in her company. Ive found myself supporting her far more than she has been able to support me.

Today she's sent me an email criticising me for putting up an update (6months agao) to notify my contacts of the events leading to our baby's passing. She would have been told by someone else as she isn't on fb.
it was well written and very appropriate. I haven't been back since then so its the only thing currently on my page. Her suggestion is : 'time to move on'.... 'we all suffered a loss that day'.

Oh and by the way...i nearly died during labour. I am just so irritated. I don't want to hurt her (like she has hurt me), but i feel like i should send her a list of do's and don'ts so she doesn't stick her foot in it.

Its easy to forget that family and friends aren't guarenteed to know what to say.

#2 copham

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:37 PM

I think when you lose a baby you forget that it affects those you are close to as well. When DD was born sleeping all my family came to the hospital to see her as this was the only chance but my older sister who was down visiting refused, posted it on facebook about her passing before I had and kept complaining she wanted to be dropped off to the airport to my parents.

At the time I was p*ssed off and thought she was being selfish but a few months down the track we had a massive talk as I was hurting and found out she was hurting just as much and this was her way of dealing with it. My suggestion is to sit down and talk to your mum in a non confronting manner a f remember that although you lost a child, she lost a grandchild.

It's easy to see the mother as the only casualty to an event like this, even my DH was overlooked when DD passed so I only imagine relatives who are touched by the event get no support. Her responses to you sound like she is still struggling with the loss and trying to "move on" instead of dealing with it.

I am sorry for your loss OP and I hope you can talk to your mum.

#3 Lyn29

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:42 PM

Some people are useless at support. I am sorry your mum, who should be there for you, isn't able to give you what you need.

.

Edited by bye, 29 March 2013 - 02:33 PM.


#4 opethmum

Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:55 PM

I am so sorry about your loss and I offer my condolences.

I am going to be blunt about your mother, not that she does not care I think you need to engage some family counselling and only engage when you are ready to. When people say "time to move on" do not grasp the widespread of your personal tragedy which has happened and I would hazard those people in your life. These people want to make it about them and them only and they do this so they do not have to deal with your emotions at all and feel indignant if you dare question why and that is wrong.
Should you cut her out of your life? It depends on you, if you feel that every time you raise your pain with her and she is openly dismissive, hostile and negative then that is not healthy and not on in my opinion and if that is too much to bear you have your answer.

You matter in this life and you deserve unconditional support from those around you, please do not accept mediocrity and if your pain is too unbearable I would seek counselling and take it day by day and engage with a counsellor you gel with and feel comfortable with.

I sincerely wish you the best and you deserve love and compassion and healing.

#5 Chookamazzo

Posted 14 March 2013 - 05:47 PM

Hi winteronspargos,

Firstly my sincerest condolences on your loss. I share you pain, it is something that none of us should have to bear, however personally I have learnt many things during my time of grief and believe that the universe (i'm not religious therfore not god) has created this event in my life to create the strength and wisdom I was lacking to continue my journey through life.

Secondly I can completely empathise with your Mother Issue. I was having some of the same issues with my mum, which wasn't surprising, everything always has to be about her. To give you a idea of what it's like 'It's Christmas day, i pick up mum to take her to my Aunty's house for a big family Christmas, we are about 10 mins from arriving when she starts telling me how she has had a big skip bin clean up of the old garage, "oh by the way i threw out your old baby bath and bouncer, it was taking up too much room" My mouth drops, my heart stops. My cousin had returned these items to me about 3 years prior, they had been in her shed, all dusty and dirty (her kids now in their late teens) I had meticulously cleaned them perfectly, brought the yellow and white polkadot bouncer liner back to perfect condition, covered them in drop sheets and put them into our garage for when we would have our children. "You what?, Why would you do that?" "Why would you tell me that now, on Christmas Day" You know how much time i spent restoring those, why would you not just ask me to take them?" She hits the roof, she starts bawling her eyes out, telling me what a b**ch I am, "as if you would ever have used them". And then "Well thanks alot, you wrecked my christmas day! She then proceeded to ignore me the whole entire day, moving from room to room everytime i eneterd one she was in. It was pathetic, childish, extremely hurtful, my Nanna & Aunty noticed and were disgusted in her behaviour.

But she is my mother, I could never cut her off, as much as sometimes i wish i could.

I asked her why she had been so unsympathetic during my grieving period, she didn't think she had. . .but then I finally got her chatting about her miscarriage, it happened after i was born (i'm the youngest of two) she explained that's when she had her nervous breakdown, she didn't say too much after that, but i think it finally clicked for me why she is the way she is. I don't think she has ever been able to cope with the loss of that little baby and i think a lot of that grief and the breakdown has created the person we see today. I don't know how private your mother is, but my mother has never shared anything with us, keeps her cards so close. However i have learnt over the years, if she is stressed, frustrated, angry, selfish or sooky it is usually because she is angry with herself, not me. Maybe there is a chunk of your mothers journey that you don't know about yet, maybe that's what makes her seem so un-supportive. It doesn't make the way other mothers treat us right, but it may help to understand your mother if you can talk to her about her journey, it may make it easier to approach the way she is treating you for a mutually supportive environment.

Sorry for the novel, this issue effects me on a weekly basis (we no longer live in the same state) so i had to write to help share your pain, i know how it can make you feel so discarded. Hopefully you have others around you to provide the support you need, i have a couple of women i call my surrogate mothers, i get all the support i need from them.

Take Care and always be good to yourself.



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