Jump to content
Dealing with unhelpful mum since my daughter passed
3 replies to this topic
Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:26 PM
I really need to vent....Its embarrassing and sad, but my mum hasn't dealt with the loss of my girl passing well at all, and makes my recovery harder.
Does anyone else have experiences of family or friends having difficulty dealing with your loss?
She's such a stressed person, she makes me stressed just being in her company. Ive found myself supporting her far more than she has been able to support me.
Today she's sent me an email criticising me for putting up an update (6months agao) to notify my contacts of the events leading to our baby's passing. She would have been told by someone else as she isn't on fb.
it was well written and very appropriate. I haven't been back since then so its the only thing currently on my page. Her suggestion is : 'time to move on'.... 'we all suffered a loss that day'.
Oh and by the way...i nearly died during labour. I am just so irritated. I don't want to hurt her (like she has hurt me), but i feel like i should send her a list of do's and don'ts so she doesn't stick her foot in it.
Its easy to forget that family and friends aren't guarenteed to know what to say.
Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:42 PM
Some people are useless at support. I am sorry your mum, who should be there for you, isn't able to give you what you need.
Edited by bye, 29 March 2013 - 02:33 PM.
Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:55 PM
I am so sorry about your loss and I offer my condolences.
I am going to be blunt about your mother, not that she does not care I think you need to engage some family counselling and only engage when you are ready to. When people say "time to move on" do not grasp the widespread of your personal tragedy which has happened and I would hazard those people in your life. These people want to make it about them and them only and they do this so they do not have to deal with your emotions at all and feel indignant if you dare question why and that is wrong.
Should you cut her out of your life? It depends on you, if you feel that every time you raise your pain with her and she is openly dismissive, hostile and negative then that is not healthy and not on in my opinion and if that is too much to bear you have your answer.
You matter in this life and you deserve unconditional support from those around you, please do not accept mediocrity and if your pain is too unbearable I would seek counselling and take it day by day and engage with a counsellor you gel with and feel comfortable with.
I sincerely wish you the best and you deserve love and compassion and healing.
Posted 14 March 2013 - 05:47 PM
Firstly my sincerest condolences on your loss. I share you pain, it is something that none of us should have to bear, however personally I have learnt many things during my time of grief and believe that the universe (i'm not religious therfore not god) has created this event in my life to create the strength and wisdom I was lacking to continue my journey through life.
Secondly I can completely empathise with your Mother Issue. I was having some of the same issues with my mum, which wasn't surprising, everything always has to be about her. To give you a idea of what it's like 'It's Christmas day, i pick up mum to take her to my Aunty's house for a big family Christmas, we are about 10 mins from arriving when she starts telling me how she has had a big skip bin clean up of the old garage, "oh by the way i threw out your old baby bath and bouncer, it was taking up too much room" My mouth drops, my heart stops. My cousin had returned these items to me about 3 years prior, they had been in her shed, all dusty and dirty (her kids now in their late teens) I had meticulously cleaned them perfectly, brought the yellow and white polkadot bouncer liner back to perfect condition, covered them in drop sheets and put them into our garage for when we would have our children. "You what?, Why would you do that?" "Why would you tell me that now, on Christmas Day" You know how much time i spent restoring those, why would you not just ask me to take them?" She hits the roof, she starts bawling her eyes out, telling me what a b**ch I am, "as if you would ever have used them". And then "Well thanks alot, you wrecked my christmas day! She then proceeded to ignore me the whole entire day, moving from room to room everytime i eneterd one she was in. It was pathetic, childish, extremely hurtful, my Nanna & Aunty noticed and were disgusted in her behaviour.
But she is my mother, I could never cut her off, as much as sometimes i wish i could.
I asked her why she had been so unsympathetic during my grieving period, she didn't think she had. . .but then I finally got her chatting about her miscarriage, it happened after i was born (i'm the youngest of two) she explained that's when she had her nervous breakdown, she didn't say too much after that, but i think it finally clicked for me why she is the way she is. I don't think she has ever been able to cope with the loss of that little baby and i think a lot of that grief and the breakdown has created the person we see today. I don't know how private your mother is, but my mother has never shared anything with us, keeps her cards so close. However i have learnt over the years, if she is stressed, frustrated, angry, selfish or sooky it is usually because she is angry with herself, not me. Maybe there is a chunk of your mothers journey that you don't know about yet, maybe that's what makes her seem so un-supportive. It doesn't make the way other mothers treat us right, but it may help to understand your mother if you can talk to her about her journey, it may make it easier to approach the way she is treating you for a mutually supportive environment.
Sorry for the novel, this issue effects me on a weekly basis (we no longer live in the same state) so i had to write to help share your pain, i know how it can make you feel so discarded. Hopefully you have others around you to provide the support you need, i have a couple of women i call my surrogate mothers, i get all the support i need from them.
Take Care and always be good to yourself.
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
Here are a few popular methods hopeful parents-to-be use to try to get a baby of their preferred gender – and what an expert says about whether they really work.
It's officially time to get into the Christmas spirit. Why not branch out when you put up your tree this year and add a personal touch with a few DIY decorations? We've found the perfect easy-to-make ways to put more festive fever into your home.
A dangerous trend is seeing more mothers-to-be declining a relatively simple and painless test to check for gestational diabetes.
The Office of Fair Trading has pulled seven toys from shelves ahead of Christmas after they fail safety tests.
These twin girls will no doubt have fun fooling people in years to come, but nobody will be as confused as baby Landon.
Men could soon have access to an injectable long-term contraceptive which works in a similar way to a vasectomy but promises to be easily reversed.
After bathing and dressing her three-month-old son, Amanda had a rare moment alone with her baby.
I feel that almost every day, someone in my life - be they a friend, family member or complete stranger - feels the need to excuse my behaviour as I have other things on my mind.
A Melbourne mother has described how her son turned grey when he became seriously ill after drinking raw milk.
Modern newlyweds are now well into their 30s and marriage still offers something powerful a new book argues.
In Australia, 30 per cent of women find their birth experience traumatic, with 6 per cent going on to develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
A young mum is in intensive care after she took a friend's antibiotic and wound up with an ailment that is burning her body 'from the inside-out'.
If he doesn't change his mind, all I can hope is that I will. It would be a waste to spend the rest of my marriage mourning a baby that never was.
One mother's futile attempt to sleep in caught on camera in a hilarious - and very cute - video.
While we all like to imagine the holiday season as being a fun, loving and bonding experience; often our reality is quiet different.
The fear of being weighed is the most significant factor in women cancelling medical appointments - and now weight-shaming has happened to me.
As we reach the end of 2014, we're closing the book on many things for another year, most notably childcare. Our last child has attended childcare for the very last time.
Contrary to popular belief, making it past the seven-year mark doesn't mean your marriage will be smooth sailing from there on.
I’m sure that parenting will get harder. But life isn’t exactly smooth sailing for many of us right now, either.
We teach kids it’s okay to say no if they don’t feel safe, so why do some parents force their children to climb in to Santa's lap?
Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.
Top 5 Articles
Yes, the bouncing baby girl was born by caesarean section. And mum says no more kids.
I'm the first to admit that when I used to see tiny babies with dummies in their mouths, I thought "Hmm, lazy parenting." And now I apologise.
Imagine meeting your double at a school sports event, or regularly being mistaken for someone you haven't met. Separated twins Margaret and Joy tell their story.
Ever wondered what other mums carry in their nappy bags? We have, so we asked mums to tell us their must-have nappy bag items.
A 15-month-old boy would almost certainly be alive today if doctors had given him antibiotics sooner, a coroner has ruled.
Shocking footage has emerged capturing the moment a pram carrying a toddler rolled off a platform and onto train tracks in suburban Melbourne.
In the excitement and anticipation of a first pregnancy, I ignored the fine print: some women, some of the time.
A young child is not entitled to criminal injuries compensation after her mother drank excessively while pregnant.
A deadly epidemic that could have global implications is quietly sweeping India, tens of thousands of newborns dying because antibiotics no longer work.
Parents share their tips on getting their early risers to sleep in, even for just a little bit longer.
About 70 per cent of couples experience a slump in their relationship within three years of having a baby. Here's how we tried to get back on track.
Americans are turning to television, Netflix and sports for ideas for what to name their wee ones.
As Sydney grieves the loss of Sydney siege victims Katrina Dawson and Tori Johnson, reports have suggested that both died as heroes.
How many weeks til Christmas?
Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.