Jump to content
Dealing with unhelpful mum since my daughter passed
3 replies to this topic
Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:26 PM
I really need to vent....Its embarrassing and sad, but my mum hasn't dealt with the loss of my girl passing well at all, and makes my recovery harder.
Does anyone else have experiences of family or friends having difficulty dealing with your loss?
She's such a stressed person, she makes me stressed just being in her company. Ive found myself supporting her far more than she has been able to support me.
Today she's sent me an email criticising me for putting up an update (6months agao) to notify my contacts of the events leading to our baby's passing. She would have been told by someone else as she isn't on fb.
it was well written and very appropriate. I haven't been back since then so its the only thing currently on my page. Her suggestion is : 'time to move on'.... 'we all suffered a loss that day'.
Oh and by the way...i nearly died during labour. I am just so irritated. I don't want to hurt her (like she has hurt me), but i feel like i should send her a list of do's and don'ts so she doesn't stick her foot in it.
Its easy to forget that family and friends aren't guarenteed to know what to say.
Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:42 PM
Some people are useless at support. I am sorry your mum, who should be there for you, isn't able to give you what you need.
Edited by bye, 29 March 2013 - 02:33 PM.
Posted 11 February 2013 - 06:55 PM
I am so sorry about your loss and I offer my condolences.
I am going to be blunt about your mother, not that she does not care I think you need to engage some family counselling and only engage when you are ready to. When people say "time to move on" do not grasp the widespread of your personal tragedy which has happened and I would hazard those people in your life. These people want to make it about them and them only and they do this so they do not have to deal with your emotions at all and feel indignant if you dare question why and that is wrong.
Should you cut her out of your life? It depends on you, if you feel that every time you raise your pain with her and she is openly dismissive, hostile and negative then that is not healthy and not on in my opinion and if that is too much to bear you have your answer.
You matter in this life and you deserve unconditional support from those around you, please do not accept mediocrity and if your pain is too unbearable I would seek counselling and take it day by day and engage with a counsellor you gel with and feel comfortable with.
I sincerely wish you the best and you deserve love and compassion and healing.
Posted 14 March 2013 - 05:47 PM
Firstly my sincerest condolences on your loss. I share you pain, it is something that none of us should have to bear, however personally I have learnt many things during my time of grief and believe that the universe (i'm not religious therfore not god) has created this event in my life to create the strength and wisdom I was lacking to continue my journey through life.
Secondly I can completely empathise with your Mother Issue. I was having some of the same issues with my mum, which wasn't surprising, everything always has to be about her. To give you a idea of what it's like 'It's Christmas day, i pick up mum to take her to my Aunty's house for a big family Christmas, we are about 10 mins from arriving when she starts telling me how she has had a big skip bin clean up of the old garage, "oh by the way i threw out your old baby bath and bouncer, it was taking up too much room" My mouth drops, my heart stops. My cousin had returned these items to me about 3 years prior, they had been in her shed, all dusty and dirty (her kids now in their late teens) I had meticulously cleaned them perfectly, brought the yellow and white polkadot bouncer liner back to perfect condition, covered them in drop sheets and put them into our garage for when we would have our children. "You what?, Why would you do that?" "Why would you tell me that now, on Christmas Day" You know how much time i spent restoring those, why would you not just ask me to take them?" She hits the roof, she starts bawling her eyes out, telling me what a b**ch I am, "as if you would ever have used them". And then "Well thanks alot, you wrecked my christmas day! She then proceeded to ignore me the whole entire day, moving from room to room everytime i eneterd one she was in. It was pathetic, childish, extremely hurtful, my Nanna & Aunty noticed and were disgusted in her behaviour.
But she is my mother, I could never cut her off, as much as sometimes i wish i could.
I asked her why she had been so unsympathetic during my grieving period, she didn't think she had. . .but then I finally got her chatting about her miscarriage, it happened after i was born (i'm the youngest of two) she explained that's when she had her nervous breakdown, she didn't say too much after that, but i think it finally clicked for me why she is the way she is. I don't think she has ever been able to cope with the loss of that little baby and i think a lot of that grief and the breakdown has created the person we see today. I don't know how private your mother is, but my mother has never shared anything with us, keeps her cards so close. However i have learnt over the years, if she is stressed, frustrated, angry, selfish or sooky it is usually because she is angry with herself, not me. Maybe there is a chunk of your mothers journey that you don't know about yet, maybe that's what makes her seem so un-supportive. It doesn't make the way other mothers treat us right, but it may help to understand your mother if you can talk to her about her journey, it may make it easier to approach the way she is treating you for a mutually supportive environment.
Sorry for the novel, this issue effects me on a weekly basis (we no longer live in the same state) so i had to write to help share your pain, i know how it can make you feel so discarded. Hopefully you have others around you to provide the support you need, i have a couple of women i call my surrogate mothers, i get all the support i need from them.
Take Care and always be good to yourself.
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users
"With a pair of athletes who are not only successful, but seen as great role models – combined with a softer sound – it is like hitting the jackpot."
When Jude Atiga's baby son Laith was struggling to breathe the worried mum called an ambulance.
As a mother of three, Caroline Malatesta thought she knew what she was letting herself in for when it came to the birth of her fourth baby.
To celebrate Father's Day, one lucky EB fan will win one of their own! Enter Now!
A mum was ushered out of an US department store's underwear section after discreetly breastfeeding her baby.
Travis Bull vividly remembers discovering his partner was pregnant for the first time.
Pinky Mckay joins us again at the Essential Baby & Toddler Show presented by Blackmores with her expert baby settling advice. Register now for your free ticket.
A more than three-fold increase in flu-related deaths has sparked a plea for those with the flu to stay away from vulnerable people.
I tried to prove to my single friends that I was the same I'd always been. But marriage did change me - and motherhood has, too
Pre-book & Save 50%. Get your tickets now for Kidtopia Festival. 7-9 October 2016 Parramatta Park, Sydney.
A study found that a whopping 91 per cent of four-week-old babies had been placed in cots with unsafe bedding.
When a mother uploaded a cute photograph of her 14-month old child online, she did not expect a swarm of internet trolls to write that her toddler was fat.
It was a simple act of kindness, but one that made an exhausted mother's day.
It's been a pretty cute week on Instagram in terms of celebs relishing their babies.
When even Michelle Bridges admits to struggling with her exercise regime, it's time to accept that having small children can be a legitimate reason for exercise not happening.
Life is cute with one, manageable with three, but at times completely impossible with five.
In Wales it's a common name, but over here, it's cause for some confusion.
It's the poop story that's been shared hundreds of thousands of times around the world.
Like all one-year-olds, Evelyn Moore is keen to get moving and explore the world around her. But a battle with aggressive cancer left the little girl paralysed from the waist down.
A pram is a large purchase, and you only want to buy once.
When Bri Dow learnt that she was expecting, she immediately knew she wanted to break the news to her husband Brandon in a special way.
Blake Lively has urged women not to feel pressured to lose weight after pregnancy.
Top 5 Articles
Pre-book & Save 50%. Get your tickets now for Kidtopia Festival. 7-9 October 2016 Parramatta Park, Sydney.
H2O is one of the necessities of life, but for babies a seemingly harmless amount of water can be fatal.
So much parenting advice is geared towards having your first baby, but what's it like having a baby when you already have children?
Fans of The NeverEnding Story – of which there are certainly plenty – went crazy for these plush Falkors when they first went on sale last year.
I thought I had prepared myself for motherhood. Then my baby girl arrived and knocked everything flat.
People love to warn you about what to expect when having a baby, but they can be way off when it comes to the reality.
Motherhood is wonderful ... except when it sucks.
There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.
Breast is best, except when it's not. And in our case, it most definitely wasn't.
The photos are heartbreaking and almost too difficult to look at, but Kayley Burke is begging other parents to take notice.
In news that will make expectant mums jump for joy - and reach for a block of Cadbury - scientists have revealed chocolate could provide health benefits during pregnancy.
If you're in any way challenged in the follicle department, prepare to feel a jolt of envy - at a two-month-old baby.
While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.
One mum has learnt a harrowing lesson about the best way to cut grapes to make it safe for toddlers and little kids to eat.
Lately I've been thinking about the caesarean stories and the brave women who birth their children with strength and beauty.
It's stressful to be the one who is holding your baby most of the day, but it's even more stressful to wonder, 'am I doing something wrong? Or am I creating bad habits?'
Sign up to receive our new Essential Kids announcements emails for a chance to win.