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Sharing/losing
anyone else have a child who struggles


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#1 mummabear

Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:16 AM

And I mean an older child. My 12yo, I am seriously losing hope. He was a nightmare as a toddler, and it is soo  impossibly hard for him to share now. If you ask him for a chocolate his whole world is shaken. Yesterday all my children had a turn on one of those stupid claw games. My other two won a couple of lollies, and my 12yo didn't. He sooked and sulked and carried on for an hour about how unfair it was, and he demanded that they give him one. They didn't, as i instructed them not to...because hell would freeze over before he would be so generous. I usually ask them to share in situations like this so that he might learn it is a positive thing but yesterday his behaviour was so very embarassing and i just dug my heels in! He demanded I buy him a chocolate to make it fair. It isn't just a lack of sharing, but he is the worst loser.

It would be a lie to say he doesn't share at all. If he doesn't like something, or he can swap for bigger and better, then yes, he will share. It is only motivated by his own needs, never the needs of others. I have 12 years of good example for him, and yet nothing to show for it. My other two are naturally wired to share. I have seen him share occasionally with a friend, but again it is limited, and usually planned..ie lets buy a bag of X to share with M. He seems to cope that way.

What do I do? How to fix this? Maybe I just needed to say it and get it off my chest, but sh*t this kind of behaviour makes me feel embarassed!

#2 opethmum

Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:33 AM

I think it has to do with control, he wants to control his environment around him and he naturally wants the best of everything. He may have anxiety about missing out and a fear that if he misses out his world will crumble.
You may want to sit him down and have a heart to heart conversation and get him to be honest in why he acts out, if he has no idea then perhaps a visit to a child psych to hash out his behaviour and get an assessment might help too.
If however he is doing it to be mean spirited and he wants to control everyone perhaps find his currency and withdraw privileges until the message gets through that this behaviour is not on and will not ever be tolerated again. If he misses out that is his problem not yours and he has the power to change himself and do whatever it takes to get the message through.
Good luck and I hope you find an answer to his outbursts.

#3 mummabear

Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:47 AM

You're right opethmum, he is a control freak, and he does suffer anxiety. However nothing has 'turned' him this way, he has been this way from day dot. A very anxious, fussy baby, very antisocial, and the toddler years were especially awful. He is genuinely crushed though when asked to share. Or when he loses. Put it this way. Monopoly has been lifetime banned here. I will eat the money with a knife and fork sooner than give it back.

A child psych didn't help.

#4 mummabear

Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:49 AM

CherryAMes I might need a copy of that book! Sounds just like him!

#5 JRA

Posted 10 February 2013 - 12:01 PM

I don't have one, but a "friend" of DS's is similar. The not losing is turning in to a nightmare in the playground, because so many games are are about winning or losing, be it tiggy, or 4 square or basketball.
How is your son going in the playground at school? Is there issues?

Good luck

I know for them it is a nightmare, and as parent of a peer of his it is probably even worse.

#6 Cat People

Posted 10 February 2013 - 12:29 PM

I would recommend The Explosive Child too.  I don't have a 'explosive' child but still found it very useful for dealing with conflict.

It does also sound like anxiety to me too.  He sounds anxious he'll miss out, not get his fair share.  And when he does share, it sounds like he's quite rigid and controlling about it.

Have you spoken to anyone professional about his anxiety?  Perhaps they could help you out.  In the book mentioned the author talks about kids who have difficulty with rigidity and control often have other disorders such as ADHD or ASD.  Have you looked into that at all?

#7 Super Cat

Posted 10 February 2013 - 02:22 PM

OP has he ever been assessed for Aspergers or Autism? These traits can be very common in kids with an autism spectrum disorder. Of course every child is different however a lot of children with ASD do find sharing hard, they also may cheat at games or get very upset if they lose. They tend to be anxious and can get overly caught up in negative emotions which they find hard to work through or let go.

I'd recommend seeing a psychologist, and even a speech pathologist. Both may be able to work through ways he can start to express himself more effectively and learn to cope with these emotions.

#8 mummabear

Posted 10 February 2013 - 08:13 PM

We had extensive testing done. There's a long story there!

Super Cat, he has seen a speechie all of his life. Most recently for food issues. No one has ever mentioned ASD.






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