Is your child highly strung?
How do you get them to relax?
, Feb 08 2013 10:04 AM
8 replies to this topic
Posted 08 February 2013 - 10:04 AM
DD is almost 10. She likes to do everything correctly and perfectly. She has to be on time for everything, actually more than on time, she likes to be super early.
Her worst nightmare is being late for something. Her other worst nightmare would be to have the wrong equipment or be unprepared for something (this rarely happens as she always prepares the night before).
She is so fearful of doing anything wrong or making a mistake or being different in any way. She is a perfectionist and hard on herself when she makes mistakes. She's quite a serious girl, not a free spirit - she wants to get things right.
Now it's great that she is organised and motivated, but lately I've been thinking and saying to her a lot 'relax, everything is going to be ok'.
She really needs to relax!!!! It's not the end of the world if everything is not perfect!!! Have fun! It's ok to make mistakes!
What is your experience?
Posted 08 February 2013 - 10:18 AM
I am like this and so to an extent is my DS.
Firstly have you considered getting some outside professional help - like a child psychologist. It may be an outsider that can help her.
DS loves music and dancing and this is such a stress reliever for him (he has also seen a psych for anxiety issues) but music is fantastic for him as well. DS plays the piano and sax and goes to them for relaxation. Perhaps an interest could help your DD.
But if time issues are running your DDs life, then yes perhaps see your GP for a mental health plan to a psych.
However, I know for me I just plan to be places early and I'm happy with that.
Posted 08 February 2013 - 10:35 AM
Thanks for your reply.
She does music as well and loves it. Not sure if it's a stress reliever though. I don't think it is stressful, but she sees it as another thing that she can 'get right'.
For example, she doesn't like art because 'how do I know if I am doing it right or not?'
She is NT, although I am not adverse to seeing someone if necessary.
I guess at this stage everything is OK, although if things escalate then it could be a problem.
Posted 08 February 2013 - 10:47 AM
I am similar, so is m niece. She was in years goin to school in 2000 as the school asked the kids to bring son the login from or about something 100 years ago, she took her grandfathers watch but it was made in 1904, so not 100 years ago
As a patent it drove mum and my sister mad. DS is similar but not quite as bad.
I don't know the answer, the most important is praise for effort, rather than for getting it right. That said I am not really sure that helps
Good luck to her - and you
Posted 08 February 2013 - 11:02 AM
One of the wonderful psychologists who has worked with our daughter gave us this advice, and I think it is fabulous:
"When a child's quirks or behaviour starts to affect their daily functioning, or the daily functioning of the family, then it's time to get professional support."
Not that a psychologist can fundamentally change a child's wiring, but they can give the child (and parents) some useful tools for managing their anxieties and emotions. My daughter (7.5) just finished up several months of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), and the changes we've seen in her have been immense (CBT is one of the most common approaches to addressing anxiety, perfectionism & other related issues).
Posted 08 February 2013 - 11:18 AM
Edited by Willoughby Chase, 24 February 2013 - 08:45 PM.
Posted 08 February 2013 - 11:38 AM
My now 10 year old DD used to get (and still does to some extent) separation anxiety. It was suggested (someone on EB may have even suggested this!) to remind her of a time when she did separate, and what fun she'd had after we left, and how everything was OK two minutes after we left. I found this to be quite effective to get her to remember the good things about what happened after she was dropped at school, not the actual separation. It just helped move the focus.
So maybe you reinforce some positive experiences of times when things worked out OK even if it wasn't perfect, or when you were five minutes late, but it didn't really matter did it, things were still OK.
I guess perhaps helping her to see but perhaps more importantly experience that the consequences of being late or not doing it right are really not that bad.
Posted 08 February 2013 - 12:03 PM
I am another one for seeing a child psych about this, she may have a lot of anxiety that is going on for her and she may not be able to articulate that to you so she is busy being a perfectionist as a coping mechanism.
Perhaps have a 10 minute period every day where she does nothing and meditates to some soothing relaxing music, you may have to work up to that 10 minutes and if she has siblings encourage a calm period in the house where everything can be brought to a literal stand still for a little time so everyone can just relax and have a little bit of a break from the chaos that is life.
Maybe it just might be part of who she is and it is innate in her and maybe a little bit of tweaking with her personality so it does not rule the household and that a little bit of taking responsibility for her behaviour and making sure that she can regulate herself and that you can hold her accountable too helps.
Good luck and I hope you have a plan you are happy with and that your little girl finds some relief.
Posted 08 February 2013 - 03:39 PM
We've been speaking with our school psych over the same issues. His main advice is to get her to think of worse case scenario. If the letter e doesn't have the line in the exact middle of the letter and have consistent gap with other es what's the worst that will happen.
We are speaking with the new teacher and psych regularly to see if more help is needed. She finds achieving perfection relaxing. Dancing and reading are her downtime.A
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