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#1 Pretty Wings

Posted 08 February 2013 - 08:28 AM

I really need someone's advice here because I am going CRAZY.

I have tried explaining to my DH how there is a very small window of opportunity in a month where you can get pregnant. I tried explaining how the egg is only viable for 12-24 hours at most and the sperm could be good for about 3 days.

He has been to doctor's appointments with me so he has heard first hand also how it is important to be having sex at the time of ovulation.

My problem is I have to practically FORCE him to have sex with me at ovulation time. I give him the heads up and tell him the few days that are important in every cycle. But he is always "too busy" or "too tired". WTH!??! He is obsessed with sports- so he stays late at his sports training and games on those nights when i need him to be home with me making a baby and when he comes home he is "too tired". I can't do this anymore.

He says to me "Just relax and let it happen. When we have sex then we have sex". He can't seem to understand that if we have sex at the end of my cycle then we won't get pregnant. I try telling him I am relaxed but we need to have sex at ovulation time - it's not my fault it's just the way it is.

And it's even worse because I would like to feel loved and sexy when we are having sex. How can I possibly feel loved and sexy when he makes it feel like a "job" or a bother for him to actually have sex with me?

We are newly-weds, so it should not be like this. I try everything. I do the whole sexy lingerie thing for him. Nothing seems to excite him to the point where I feel like he really wants me sexually. He does have sex with me when i initiate it enough (like i basically say "please can we have sex?") but I want to cry every time afterwards because it HURTS me inside that I feel like I have to do this. What kind of wife has to ask her husband "please can we have sex?" sad.gif So depressing and humiliating sad.gif  

Having a baby is so important to me. I want this more than anything and he said he wanted this too. We discussed this before we got married so we knew we were on the same page. But i honestly feel completely alone on this. How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? sad.gif

Edited by NewDay, 11 February 2013 - 09:36 AM.


#2 noi'mnot

Posted 08 February 2013 - 08:38 AM

Are you actually on the same page? Are you sure about this? Have you spoken about this since getting married? It looks to me like he's understanding the situation perfectly well, and avoiding it. Nobody likes to be pressured to have sex. You clearly don't enjoy the pressuring either, so perhaps you should ease up a bit until you figure out what is happening.

It's quite possible that he doesn't enjoy the expectation of having to have sex on particular days. This does, for some people, take the spontaneity and fun out of romantic sex and make it into a job - no matter how dressed up or sexy the partner is being!

I think you should try to talk to him, at a time when there is no pressure at all to have sex. See how he's feeling, and go from there. From what you've said he seems to completely understand where you're coming from (I say this because you've had him attend doctor's appointments, you're regularly initiating sex, etc) but you don't understand where he is coming from.

Good luck.

#3 Pretty Wings

Posted 08 February 2013 - 08:51 AM

I did speak to him about this previously.  I said that I feel like I'm pressuring him to have sex and is he sure that this is what he wants.  

He got really really upset at me when I spoke to him about this.  He said yes definitely he wants this.  He said that I think about this too much.  That "when it happens, it happens".  Because of my age I can't afford to wait 5 years to have a kid, if I could I would, but I can't wait and he knows that.

We just spoke about this 2 months ago - and like I said he was adament that yes this is what he wants but he hates that i think too much.  

In my heart I feel like he is just saying that, because I think if you would want this then surely you would be more co-operative?

Other times of the month he has no issue having sex with me.  It's only during O time when I need him for the few days.  I understand people get tired and busy... but this is important if this is what we want for our life.  

He says he wants this too.  I have discussed this with him.  So what else do I do? sad.gif

#4 noi'mnot

Posted 08 February 2013 - 08:55 AM

That's tough, OP. I can see that it's really stressing you out.

How about a different technique? What if you went to just having sex every second day, no matter what stage of your cycle you're at? Stop tracking ovulation, stop thinking about that altogether, just have sex every second day. This will pretty much guarantee you're having sex around the right time so should reassure you, and will stop the focus on ovulation which will perhaps satisfy him?

#5 Coops07

Posted 08 February 2013 - 08:56 AM

Honestly, I wouldn't tell him when O time is.  Just carry on as normal.  Perhaps he doesn't like the pressure being put on him to "perform".

Try to relax......

#6 PrincessPeach

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:03 AM

The "when it happens it happens" statement to me sounds like he is not 100% convinced he is ready to be a dad.

Honestly, I'd not tell him where you are at in your cycle & just surprise him. The pressure to perform at the right time can be a big turn off for a lot of guys.

#7 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:04 AM

Stop telling him.

Just seduce him on the 'important days'.

Honestly, take it from this battle weary old bird - you do not want to get into the 'sex as a chore' situation... I would find myself getting annoyed at DP before he had even pulled the "I'm tired" or the "I'm going for a run.." on the days I 'needed him'.

It was not healthy for us.


#8 2puzzled

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:07 AM

NewDay you are putting a lot of pressure on both of you and it is not fair on either of you, because you are setting yourself up to be disappointed.

As newly weds maybe you need to focus on each other and being together as a couple rather than on trying immediately for a baby. Is time against you for some reason? Do you have to rush into it?

Maybe stop charting and worrying about timing for just a couple of months and get back into the routine of enjoying each other's company and having sex when the mood takes you. Forget what day you O and what not and see what happens. Many, many women have fallen pregnant with no understanding of their cycle, but even if you do not fall pregnant then you can at least have fun! If you are older (like me) and time is not on your side, then perhaps you need to have a conversation about how important it is to both of you to have a child, and whether you can agree to the frequency and timing of sex when you are ovulating.

Further, some studies indicate that only having sex on the days around O means that the older, potentially "stale" or less motile sperm are present in higher quantities and that the better approach is to have regular sex throughout the month. If you aim to have sex regularly, say 2-3 times per week, every week, then your chances of conceiving are good. Sperm can live for a few days, so if you have regular sex then the chances are still good for you if you have had sex a couple of days before O.

Perhaps you can agree to just see how things go with regular (non-pressured, spontaneous) sex throughout the month and agree on a timeframe - eg if you are not pregnant within 3-4 months of this approach then you'd like some more "targetted" attempts, with planned sex on the days leading up to O.

It does seem like you are making it a chore and perhaps your DH feels as though you only want him for the sake of getting pregnant. Also, by saying you want a baby "more than anything" you are saying you want a child more than you want him - this can't be good for his self esteem. What if you have trouble conceiving? Is that the end of your marriage? You need to consider the state of your relationship and how that will improve by having a child. If you are only married to have the child then the marriage is not likely to be a very happy one for either of you.

Try to relax a little and enjoy how fun sex can be with someone you love - think about why you are with your DH and how you want to spend your life with him.

Good luck - I hope you can fall into a routine that is satisfying and happy for you both, and which of course results in a healthy pregnancy and little one.


#9 pixii

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:12 AM

Hi Newday,

I am sorry that your feeling this way right now. My DH was a little like your husband at one point too and I think its because after you have a MC you are so much more desperate to have a child as you saw the future while you were pregnant.

I have become much more focused on getting pregnant as soon as possible since having my MC and I think about it all the time. The reason is I was so happy to find out we were having a baby and now I feel like I want that feeling again. The thought of not having a baby now really affects me.

Do you mention getting pregnant much? Do you talk to him about trying different things like supplements or treatment like accupuncture or natropathy to help you get pregnant?  How old are you? if you dont mind me asking

I am 41 so my age bothers me more now after having the MC.

I sat DH down and told him it was really important to me that I not make him feel like a piece of meat or pressured to have sex but if he wanted us to have a baby we had no choice but focus on that time of the month.  I do not pressure him where possible but I tell him when I expect we will need to BD and I also tell him about how my OPK are doing.  He seems interested in knowing this. I show him the tests even and he knows how it really is and not just because I am panicking.  

There has been a time or two where he has not been able to do it to start with or like we start and he gets distracted because he is thinking too much so he cant follow through etc but I reassure him its ok if we dont and we end up being able to anyway because I take the pressure off.

I think its really important to sit him down and before you start ask him to please not get upset that you just need him to listen to you.  Tell him how much you love him and tell him how important it is you dont make him feel like you need him for one thing and you dont want him to feel pressured and ask him is there anything you can do to help with it.

Do you talk to him throughout the day via text etc?  I send my DH little messages telling him I love him and miss him and cant wait for cuddles tonight. Not sure if your DH would go for this but if you think he might it may make him feel more loved as well.  It will make him more likely to make more effort if he has absolutely no question everyday how much you love and adore him.

I wish I could help you more I really do as I know how you feel. Try telling him how having an MC made you feel and how you had so many hopes when you found out you were pregnant.  I hope I have the right person here remembering you had an MC if not I really apologise.

I really hope you can get this sorted.  By the way my DH and I are newlyweds too original.gif we married after a whirlwind romance of just under a year and married in August 2012 bbighug.gif

#10 axiomae

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:14 AM

Agree with PPs. Don't tell him! He probably misses the spontaneity. He probably wants to feel like you want to have sex because you want HIM, not just his sperm.

#11 RCTP

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:17 AM

If you are sure you are both happy to conceive then it just sounds like he doesn't like to "work" under pressure.

Follow the tips from PPs and get sexy when you know the time is right for possible conception - leave him in the dark about your motives at the time.


#12 Soontobegran

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:23 AM

You say you are newly weds so perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of being a parent and isn't quite as into being pregnant as you are?

I know for me when we were TTC our first I ended up hating sex with a passion and even though DH didn't complain I knew he felt as though he was being used as a means to an end.
It was a chore for me too, I was fanatical, I called him at work to come home and I was relentless.

We got pregnant as soon as I decided to throw away the calender.
Good luck OP.

#13 dimensionk

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:26 AM

Definitely stop telling him! Have you tried starting off with a BJ? original.gif Ermmm... sorry. Wishing you luck.

#14 Pretty Wings

Posted 08 February 2013 - 09:56 AM

I have tried the not telling him approach and we do have sex at other times of the month of course. But there are some weeks we are both tired, and might not have sex for 5 days or so. I am mindful when O is so I know the week that I'm ovulating we can't afford not to have sex for 5 days if "we" are hoping to get pregnant.

pixii - yes it's me. To be honest it hurts me more because when i found out i was pregnant on that month i was OVERJOYED, my goodness I was so happy. I did not think I was pregnant and just happened to test because I had a docror appointment that morning and my AF still hadn't come - i did not expect it at all cause I tested BFN a couple days prior to that (obviously tested too early).

That time when I found out i was pregnant, you know what he said to me? He said "I'm scared". I'm sitting there with the biggest smile on my face and my heart about to burst because I was so super excited about the future and he says to me "I'm scared".

I'm not a complete idiot. I know that is not something that should be coming out of your husband's mouth when you are ttc and find out you are pregnant.

The miscarriage of that pregnancy that I went through shortly after, I felt like I went through that completely alone. It was the worst and loneliest experience i have ever had in my life. It was NYE and to me it felt like he was more concerned with going to his friend's NYE party while I had just spent the day in bed and in agony because I was miscarrying.  It was the last thing I wanted to do, go out and celebrate!

I did not marry him to have a baby. Of course I love him, and I married him because regardless of this I know he is a great kind hearted person. I am in my early 30s and I have had issues the past couple of years (i have polycystic ovaries and a couple of other issues that may make it difficult for me, I don't know and the doctor just said to give it a go). So when we were together when he asked me to marry him he knew about these issues. I told him where I was at in my life and what i wanted. And i told him that it was completely fine if he did not want the same things but i need to know and we need to have this discussion before we commit ourselves. We went through many lengthy discussions about this, and he assured me (without no pressure from me at all because at that time like i said, i told him it was completely fine if he had different views on this but i need to know now so we can work something out) and he assured me that he was ready to go and wanting this too.

I think because I'm in my early 30s he may think possibly there is still plenty of time? I dunno. Having said that he knows of my issues... most of the time it feels like he doesn't even care.

I love him. I just want him to be honest with me if this is not what he wants. I can't keep doing this - I don't mean I can't keep staying in this marriage. I love him and I don't believe in divorce (except for cheating, that's my only deal breaker in marriage) so I will have to find a way to deal with whatever happens.

But I can't keep feeling like I'm forcing him to have sex with me every month, I can't keep doing that.

At the same time, I don't want to stop trying.

I know I have to talk to him about it. I'm just sick of the same discussion we have with the same answers that he gives me. sad.gif

Edited by NewDay, 11 February 2013 - 09:40 AM.


#15 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 08 February 2013 - 10:07 AM

In orthodox Judaism the couple abstain while she has her period and 7 days after.  They don't even touch.  I always thought this was a clever way of ensuring plenty of sex in the fertile time (assuming a cycle of 28 days or so).

Maybe you could have a little time off in the non fertile time?

#16 Pretty Wings

Posted 08 February 2013 - 10:42 AM

meggs1 - I have read that you should be having sex regularly outside of O time to keep the swimmers fresh and healthy?

I also don't want him to feel like I only want sex at O time.  

And even though I'm mad as anything at him right now, I do love him and I enjoy having sex with him generally (when I don't feel like I'm forcing him to do it).

Thanks to everyone for their responses also.  It's not exactly an issue I can discuss with anyone Tounge1.gif  And it helps a lot to vent and to get other's views on this.   Sometimes I can only see what I'm feeling.  I know I need to understand where he is coming from too.  And I'm trying.  But like I said, he says one thing and then his actions say another.  I just want him to either be fully honest with me... or to understand what he is thinking...

#17 BeccaBoo88

Posted 08 February 2013 - 10:59 AM

I just wanted to add I agree with PPs. I would feel a lot of pressure if I was made to 'perform' at certain times.

Could you do with a break from all the stress and pressure yourself? I agree with you saying that you only have a small window, but do you enjoy it when you are DTD or are you focussed on the outcome? I really wish you all the best. original.gif Hopefully it won't be long before this is all history and your LO is on their way.

#18 Jenferal

Posted 08 February 2013 - 12:32 PM

I'd take a month or 2 off and just forget about the whole TTC.
Focus on the TWO of you as a couple, get the romance back, then when you start TTC again, don't tell him when you are needing his swimmers. Just have sex and let him feel like it's HIM you want, not his sperm as a PP stated.
He's your life partner, not just a baby maker. Possibly put a little less pressure on yourself too. Give it a few months then review the situation. there are plenty of things you can do if time is running out and you ahve health issues not favourable to getting pregnant easily.

And yes, he's TOTALLY allowed to be scared when he finds out you're pregnant. Of course he is! It's a MASSIVE change in anyone's life, not just the woman's. A LOT of men need time to process the whole situation, before they get to the happiness. He probably blurted out his first thoughts without thinking. Some men don't get super excited about a pregnancy until they see a baby on an ultrasound or once the woman's given birth!
As to the MC, it's possible him going out on NY's MIGHT have been his way of coping, but if he ignored you in pain, then he's a douche. My husband would never go out if I was sick or had a MC that day or very recently.

Good luck.




#19 Kels82

Posted 08 February 2013 - 12:41 PM

QUOTE (axiomae @ 08/02/2013, 10:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Agree with PPs. Don't tell him! He probably misses the spontaneity. He probably wants to feel like you want to have sex because you want HIM, not just his sperm.



This.

You seem to be stressing and saying that you want to feel loved and sexy but you seems to be forgetting that he may want you to want him and not just get pregnant.  Unless there are other obsticles even with your age? maybe just enjoy being newlyweds for a little while.

#20 mrsmac12

Posted 08 February 2013 - 01:02 PM

I feel for you OP. It is hard when all you want is to get pregnant, you feel like the clock is ticking and your DH is not on the same page.

Similar to your DH, my DH also said when we first started TTC 'just let it happen', 'if it happens it happens'. He still sticks to this but understands that there is only a small window when it actually will happen.

My DH doesnt like it when I tell him 'it's a good time' or something similar. I have found some sort of a compromise just to do the whole OPK, charting, etc, etc on my own. We try to have regular sex (every 2-3 days) and around O time I try a little bit harder (subtly of course) to get him in the mood a little more often. He is pretty much blissfully unaware of all of this original.gif Just this month we undertook the SMEP without him even realising.

We don't talk about TTC in a serious way, we just try to make it fun and enjoy BD for what it is - sex between two people in love.

I really hope that things work out for you. I know it is easier said than done, but try not to stress too much about it. Perhaps take some time, as other posters have said, to reconnect and enjoy each other. Be aware of your cycle, but don't make it your sole focus.

Best of luck x

#21 Clare L

Posted 08 February 2013 - 01:05 PM

Hi OP,

It's clear you are very worried about this, and I can empathise. I had some similar issues.

My DP has a medical condition that means we rarely have sex. Maybe once a month - so when we decided to TTC, we had to have a really good chat about that. I explained about the fertile window etc etc, and we agreed I would tell him when that window was each month, and then back off.

It was stressful for me. I'm a little older than you, and seeing the months tick by was hard, really, really hard. But I also knew I didn't want to pressure DP. We focused a lot on cuddling and talking, and just enjoying ourselves in other ways. Some months we missed the window, and I had to learn to be ok with that and just trust

In the end, it took us just under a year. We got pregnant four times, and had three miscarriages. Lucky number 4 is due in June, and trust me, LO is a 'one shot wonder'!  blush.gif

Having had m/c myself, I'm concerned about you saying you felt alone while you were m/c. Have you talked to your DH about that? Also, I don't know when you had the m/c, but is DH still processing that loss? I ask because my DP seems fine, then every so often will say or do something that makes me realise he's still dealing with our losses (as am I). Like last week we were at our birthing classes and I was taking about the losses to someone else - only to realise that he'd teared up beside me.  wub.gif We also had to deal with my DP not wanting to see me go through that pain again - maybe discuss this with your DH?

And it's quite normal for someone to feel scared at the start of a pregnancy. I'd actually commend him for being honest.

Good luck OP.
Clare
xx


#22 Musk Sticks

Posted 08 February 2013 - 01:20 PM

I can't really give you any advice but wanted to say that my husband had problems as a side effect of medication. Sex more than twice a month was very rare.
However, we did manage to conceive our gorgeous DS and hope to expand our family further.


#23 Shellby

Posted 08 February 2013 - 06:18 PM

QUOTE
That time when I found out i was pregnant, you know what he said to me? He said "I'm scared". I'm sitting there with the biggest smile on my face and my heart about to burst because I was so super excited about the future and he says to me "I'm scared".


Don't hold that against him - I remember with my first we had been trying for a year, my period was late but I was sure I wasn't pregnant but my doctor asked me to humor her and do a test the night before I came back to see her for my letter to a FS. I remember coming out of the bathroom and telling DH its positive, we are going to have a baby - he smiled and I burst into tears crying that I'm scared and not sure I am ready for this - and that was me as the mother and trying for a year as well as seeing my GP to be referred to a FS.

It sounds like you only just M/C about 6 weeks ago? How long has this problem been happening? If its been since the M/C maybe your DH has had second thoughts, he would have gone through a heap of feelings when you came out you were pregnant - which he tried to talk to you about by saying he was scared - I really hope you didn't brush him off or tell him he was meant to be happy and he ruined your mood - and now you have  M/C thinks he would like some more time as a couple - and he knows a way to do that is not have BD during your fertile time. Maybe another talk is needed especially if you feel he didn't support you through the M/C - maybe he has changed his mind and wants some time as a couple first.

I also agree - don't tell him when your going to ovulate. I'm fairly sure Dh knows now as its the only time of my cycle I basically jump him nearly every 2nd day for a week. Because I don't say anything he doesn't feel pressured and just enjoys the week of me taking charge and well coming up with all new things to try - its kinda like his present each cycle. Sorry if to much info but it does spice up our marriage and take away making it feel like a chore.

Good luck with it all.

#24 FomoJnr

Posted 08 February 2013 - 06:56 PM

Hi OP
I agree with some of the other PPs. Two cycles ago, I was all over O time like a bad rash and when we dtd, it just wasn't as much fun or heartfelt as usual. I no longer tell DH about my temps or opks.
He asks throughout the month how I'm tracking and I give him a rough idea of when to expect O time, but we dtd every 2-3 day anyway, so he certainly wouldn't get suss if I'm seducing him every day for a few days. He is also aware that my sex drive has peaks at times during each month.
We also had an issue once with performance and it got him so down (gawd pardon the pun) I just didn't want to pressure him like that again... I didn't want him to feel that I was using him for his sperm.
Hopefully you're able to use some of the advice of the ladies here and work it out original.gif





#25 Pretty Wings

Posted 11 February 2013 - 09:14 AM

Thanks for all the replies and advice.  I did end up speaking to DH on Friday night - had a good discussion.  He seems baffled as to why I would possibly think that he doesn't want a baby right now so if he is keeps telling me this then I have to believe him.  

When we got home he actually initiated things in the bedroom (sorry I don't know the correct lingo... is BD the right term i think??) so that was nice.

I believe that i O'd over the weekend (not entirely sure as I am just tracking by dates and my body CM changes, not using OPK's), but my luck have it I was all night on Friday night / Sat morn throwing up - I'm assuming food poisoning, though I'm not sure.  It was only a 24 hour thing and I'm feeling better now, though tummy is still a bit tender.  

Does anyone know if I had already ovulated if the possible food poisoning would have affected the egg or anything?

Because of the food poisoning we haven't BD since Fri night.  Do you think it would be ok to start again today or because of the food poisoning should I give it a rest this month in case it affects anything?  My fertile time would have been from Thurs through to this Tues.

I hear SO much about how bad food poisoning is in pregnancy so not sure if it applies to ovulation time also - or does it only apply once the egg implants?  So confusing and not sure if I am being overly cautious but just want to the right thing.  Any advice appreciated original.gif


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What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong'

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reactions to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Carers admit to force-feeding children

Twin brothers have become dads on the same day ? with their partners giving birth in the same hospital, and even the same birthing pool.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
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