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No you cant play with us

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#1 Hop1

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:38 PM

My DD is having some issues as school and I'm at a loss to what to do.  Can anyone offer some suggestions please.

She's been put into a composite class with 4 other girls in her year.  These 4 other girls were all in the same class last year and have obviously become quite close.  There is one girl in particular that is very outspoken and seems to be the voice for all of them.  If my DD asks to play with them she always says NO you cant play with us  go away etc etc. She doesn't let the other girls speak for themselves.  Even though they all sit at the same desk they leave her out of classroom discussions and pair up with each other.  They haven't as yet called her names but they ignore her and leave her out of everything both in the classroom and playground.

What do you tell your kids to do if other kids say they dont want to play?

#2 lizzzard

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:47 PM

It sounds like a quiet chat to the teacher might not go astray. Perhaps s/he can get the kids to do some group activities in pairs that are pre-selected, as opposed to letting them choose their own groups, which might hopefully break down the cliques a little?

#3 NunSoFeral

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:51 PM

I'd drop a quiet word in teachers ear.
Another strategy might be to invite one or two of the other girls over for a play date.
And make it a play date to remember!

I read somewhere about one mother inviting the "ringleader" over for a play date or outing, to get her on side so to speak. That migth be a brave option.

#4 Frockme

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:54 PM

Tell her to stop asking if she can play with them. It gives them n opportunity to say no.
Just play with them, if she wants.

Does your dd want a friendship with any of them?

If so then maybe have a play over with on of the nicer ones.

I think the teacher needs to be informed about what's going on. I'd be surprised if she didn't already know though. Think of strategies together to help include your dd. eg teacher says we're doing a task today, I'll be putting you in pairs today.... Etc etc.

Poor girl!

#5 KT1978

Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:59 PM

How old is she?

My dd is 10 and has similar issues.

I'd go see the teacher first. Play dates etc are also a good idea but even ask girls outside that group so she isn't with those girls all the time.

#6 Lazycow

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:08 PM

Having recently just been through this exact same thing with my 8 yr old, I definitely agree with having a quiet word with the teacher. My DDs teacher was shocked when I told him what had been going on as he hadn't noticed anything. The following day he did a class talk about bullying and how it was unacceptable and if anyone was found to be bullying then they would be punished accordingly and the matter referred to the principal.

It seemed to do the trick and DD said that the girls let her play with them, she even had a couple of them over for play dates over the holidays. It turned out that the girls were scared of the ringleader and she had told them they weren't allowed to play with DD.

And if you feel that the teacher isn't dealing with it go straight to the principal.

I really feel for you and hope things get sorted soon bbighug.gif

#7 Spa Gonk

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:11 PM

I am a bit on the other side of the coin, in terms of my child can be the bossy one that the other kids sometimes don't want to play with.  I have just told him that we are nice to everyone etc and often he says something like that back to them.  I have also told him though that when kids say stuff like that it means they don't want to play with him today, rather than they don't like him.  I figure that helps for him not to take it personally.

If the teachers see him alone, they will ask him if he is okay on his own or would like someone to play with.  They will happily match him up with someone else.  He certainly knows a lot if people in the playground now!  He does most of the initiating by himself, and the school has stuff like library and walking clubs at lunchtime he can do and be with others.  And the class teacher obviously work on any personal and group issues in the classroom.  As we try to at home too, sigh!

I would chat to the teacher too, and be surprised if he/she had not noticed.

#8 Wonderlust

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:29 PM

Why can't she play with some of the other kids in her class? The 4 girls don't sound too pleasant anyway so why speak to the teacher? You can't manipulate every situation in your child's life, so let her make some new friends.

She might be the ring leader in the new circle of friends  wink.gif

#9 Soontobegran

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:54 PM

This is an age old dynamic.
It happened in every class of every year that my children (particularly the girls) were at primary school. It was usually more of a problem in the beginning of the year.
There is almost always a 'ringleader', this is not supposed to be a derogatory remark but it is the little girl who like to hold court, she likes to organise her little team around her and it is usually at the detriment of the other girls who often find that their friendships must be run by the 'ringleader' who has to approve or disprove of who may enter their little circle.

There is invariably at least one child who will be excluded for no other reason than the boss lady doesn't want to include her, often it seemed that she actually felt threatened by her and that she may lose the control she enjoys by allowing another to infiltrate.

As a parent I think we do need to step back a little even when out hearts break for our children but
I think enlisting the help of the teacher is a good idea, she may even suggest some children from the older grade who may like a play date. What your little girl doesn't want to do is to push it with this group. The other girls will eventually catch on and start to branch out and your she will find some friends who are all on a level playing field.

Good luck with this.

#10 ~sydblue~

Posted 07 February 2013 - 06:54 PM

We were on the other side of the problem to you OP. I got a call from DD's teacher last year telling me she had been telling the other kids she played with, that they couldn't play with one particular boy. So I had a quiet chat and it turned out to be partially my fault  ph34r.gif .
She had told me weeks before that one particular boy had been annoying her and taking her things and when in the playground, he would throw things at her and be mean. So I told her not to play with him at all and to stay away from him.
I told her it was okay to let him play with her when there was a group of them, and that was all that was needed in our case.

#11 Hop1

Posted 07 February 2013 - 07:45 PM

Thanks everyone.

She,was,good friends with two of the girls in kindy then last year they were separated for first class and now back together for second class my daughter wants to reconnect with them.  Ive talked to her about just joining in not asking first.  I'm pretty sure her teacher knows as I spoke to last yesrs teacher about it the other day and she was going to speak to her about it. I think i'll have to be proactive with play dates. She has other friends to play with at lunch time but they spend longer in the class room and when there is a bad vibe between the girls it makes it very difficult for my dd. Being a composite class she cant sit with any other girls. I've also talked to dd about giving it time for the frienships to develep. Might have to speak direct to her teacher myself.

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