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I would like to consider a homebirth but husband doesn't
12 replies to this topic
Posted 06 February 2013 - 05:34 PM
I just found out I am pregnant with my second child. First birth was an amazing experience through my local Birth Centre. I am booked in their again and would love to try a homebirth.
The sticking point is that my husband is not keen. Anyone else been in a similar position and managed to convince your partner?
I don't want to trick him or force him into a situation he is not comfortable with as he was an excellent support in the first birth and I don't want to take away his confidence.
Posted 06 February 2013 - 05:55 PM
Do you know why he's not keen? That would be a good starting point.
Is it the cost?
Is he afraid something will go wrong?
Many people just assume you birth in a hospital these days
Posted 06 February 2013 - 06:52 PM
It is cause he is afraid something will go wrong. Even though my hospitals program has a special arrangement with the ambulance service, specially trained midwives etc.
Maybe I should get the midwife to explain all this to him matter of factly so he can hear from her about how safe it is.
Posted 06 February 2013 - 08:07 PM
But is it as safe as a hospital birth? I'm thinking he thinks it isn't and it does depend on how far you are from a hospital.
Things can go wrong very quickly in birth and the time you wait for an ambulance and transport to a hospital and treatment may be enough time for things to go horribly wrong, which I'm assuming is his thinking as well.
Maybe the birth centre could be a nice compromise if you had a good experience last time.
I know you're the one giving birth, but he's the one who has to WATCH it all and be powerless to help if things go wrong.
Posted 06 February 2013 - 09:33 PM
Get him to meet with the midwives and discuss his concerns.
My DP was nervous about having a homebirth (but always said it was my decision) however after meeting our midwife immediately felt much more comfortable- seeing how professional she was, having questions answered. You can talk about the resus equipment they bring, etc
Also I would ask him specifically what are his areas of concern-
in terms of "things quickly going horribly wrong", most of the time it's actually not like that. There are warning signs and things that might lead you to transfer, like a prolonged labour (the most common reason for transferring from a homebirth, is usually not an "emergency", but recognition that some extra help or pain relief is needed), or things that crop up earlier in the pregnancy leading you to be higher risk. For my partner one concern was PPH, but understanding the statistics of how likely it is, what the risk factors are that increase the risk, that midwives carry synto, how would a PPH be treated at home v hospital etc...
anyway my point it, often people are like "but what if something goes wrong?" and sometimes it can help to break it down into different scenarios and how they would be dealt with.
Posted 06 February 2013 - 11:10 PM
Until it is his body birthing, my husband gets very little say. I want him to be onboard, but it's not a requirement.
Statistically homebirth and hospital births are fairly on par for safety of both mother and baby. There is no research to suggest that one is, overall, more dangerous than the other.
I would personally have him become involved with other parents who homebirth. People who are you type of people. Not over-the-top hippies, just regular, ordinary people who have experienced homebirth. Especially men who talk well of it. I know this has been very beneficial for my husband, and his opinion of homebirth has dramatically improved since working with a man who's wife had 2 homebirths.
He was neither here nor there before this, but when they met and it was at some point discussed, my husband now talks about how homebirth is a safe, reasonable option for women. I think it's been a combination of my conversations about it, and his conversations with his workmate.
Posted 13 February 2013 - 10:12 PM
Congrats Penguin78!!! I remember you from when your DS was born... our LO share the same b'day!!!!
I was in the same situation and had a fabulous birth centre experience for DD#1. I was keen for homebirth for DD#2 but DH wasn't.
After much discussion he said the final decision was up to me .... in the end I went with the birth centre again. I felt that I needed him to be "as keen" as I was to be comfortable enough to birth ...... it also wasn't something I was going to lose sleep over if I didn't have one. It was an option I was lucky enough to have available/ consider.
The BC was so busy when DD#2 was born that it was only DH and I up until the last 10 min when I pushed her out and we had 1x midwife attend to us. Birth was completey drug and intervention free and went home 8 hours later, so it was the next best thing. We even got the same room as DD#1 which was a nice touch.
Best Wishes for your pregnancy!
ETA - just realised my post is really of no help to you but just was excited to see your #2 on the way!!
Edited by lady lady, 13 February 2013 - 10:13 PM.
Posted 13 February 2013 - 10:38 PM
My third baby was a planned homebirth
To begin with, DH was VERY against it. Initially I think it was fear - he believed that birth was 'something that happens at hospitals'.
I just asked him what changed his mind and he mentioned that it stopped seeming so scary but didn't actually recall why - not much help to you I know.
What I did do whilst pregnant was find information to reassure him. Provided him with links and stats regarding the safety of homebirthing (expecially for subsequent children).
I had previously given birth to 3600g and 4420g babies vaginally so that also aided in reassuring him.
We hired an independent midwife and in the end, she missed the birth by around 15mins so it was just DH and I when DD2 was born in the birth pool in our dining room One of the most precious times of my life!
I was extremely passionate about my desire to homebirth and I think I would have 'accidentally' stayed home too long had DH insisted I attend a hospital. Very firmly hold the belief that it's my body and my choice - of course, if I had been experiencing complications at all, I would have explored other options as well
Posted 02 March 2013 - 02:07 AM
Do you know any other couples who have had a home birth? It would be a good idea for him to talk to some other men who have been through the same. I'm new to the forum but is there a dad section on here where he could have a look?
Get as much info about it as you can. I think he probably feels a bit out of control and needs to know there's a backup if things go wrong, not that I think they're more likely to at home. Midwives are trained to spot the first signs of trouble and will have you in hospital as soon as possible if they think that's what's needed, but in the end I think he'll feel more in control on 'his territory'.
It'll take time but he'll get used to the idea, and remind him that where your first child is concerned, it's a much more relaxed environment in which to meet his/her new sibling than in a hospital ward.
Posted 02 March 2013 - 06:55 AM
Do all you can as the girls have advised, to see if you can change his mind and make him comfortable with the idea. If this is what you really want, tell him why. Let him know that you are not pushing his feelings aside, because after all it is his joyous time to.
I am very much a 'womans body means a womans choice' type person. I would hate to be the one who had no say and was not even thought of though if something were to happen. That person may then be left to make choices that would be made even harder because they were simply pushed aside in the first place.
Posted 02 March 2013 - 07:29 AM
Not sure if this will help but I sat down and watched Face of Birth documentary with my husband last night - which has a number of experts exploring the issue of homebirth and comparing the experience with the UK and Netherlands where home birth is more common and outcomes are good for women for low risk pregnancies than hospital births. http://www.faceofbirth.com/
I personally had an elective c section for my first because he was breech and then for my second RPA recommended another c section but let me wait 10 days over to try for a VBAC. My husband comes from a medical family with surgeons etc so always of the view that the hospital was the best place but after watching this show he said "midwifes really know what they are doing - it is actually safe to have a home birth and if anything goes wrong they can transfer you" (big turn around).
All the best with the birth.
Posted 02 March 2013 - 07:39 AM
I disagree slightly with Propaganda in that his opinion should still be taken into consideration in your decision; in other words, don't completely dismiss his concerns but address and acknowledge them. After all, you are his wife and it's his child, too so although you're the one birthing, he still has a huge interest in proceedings and the safe outcome.
The final decision should be the mother's but perhaps there could be a plan agreed to by both of you that he is comfortable with, too? That way there is a compromise in place and he still feels involved.
I hope you get your home birth. They sound lovely!
(Edited for spelling)
Edited by Bart., 02 March 2013 - 07:40 AM.
Posted 02 March 2013 - 09:03 AM
I had a Homebirth for my last birth after 2 previous hospital births.
At first my husband was 110% against it. Like an earlier poster meeting a midwife, asking questions, knowing that she would bring oxygen, syntocin and a birthing kit changed his mind. He was initially fearful that something would go wrong, that HB was dangerous. His fears were founded on what he had always 'known' in his mind was normal - that birth took place in a hospital.
Experiencing our Homebirth was one of the most amazing events of both our lives. My baby is now almost 3 and the event of his birth is still something that we count as one of our most precious times as a family.
My husband is now a convert to Homebirth and unless there was a genuine medical need he would recommend to anyone that will listen that Homebirth is a safe, intimate, natural and superior option to a hospital birth.
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