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How far would you go?


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#1 Fenrir

Posted 05 February 2013 - 01:59 PM

If you discovered your spouse cheating? Not just a suspicion but undeniable proof?

A friend of mine has discovered her DH has been in a long term relationship with his SIL(brothers wife) and she found out by walking in on them after pulling a surprise "sickie" so she could spend the day with her DH on his RDO. Apparently the kitchen table was involved....

After kicking him out she cancelled his CC, his phone and let down the tyres on his work truck. She also called family and told them what she walked in on. She and her BIL are obviously devastated and his family have all but disowned him apparently.

No one knew so no one could tell her and all we can do is comfort her and listen to her crying and plans for a very acrimonious divorce. There is no hope for reconciliation.

During the last few weeks she has been asking us for suggestions(which we have really tried to deflate IYKWIM) on how to really humiliate him and it got me thinking about what I would do should I ever be in that situation. I've come up with pretty much the same as she did with the added things of cutting the arms off shirts and keying the car etc.

So what would you do if you discovered undeniable proof?




#2 her mum

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:05 PM

I think she's done enough.

Not to say that he doesn't deserve whatever he has coming to him, but the best revenge really would be for her to move on with her dignity intact and enjoy life.

Petty cutting arms off shirts type acts are really just that, petty.

#3 Tesseract

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:05 PM

However much I would probably be tempted to do stuff to him, I probably wouldn't do anything. Not because I'm a wuss, but because we have a child. Whatever he does to me, we will always be co-parents, and I would want to keep that relationship as amicable as possible (and separate from our romantic breakdown).

#4 AllyK81

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:06 PM

I would do none of this. It doesn't achieve anything.

When my ex cheated on me, I left him. Simple.

If people asked why we broke up, I told them. I think being branded a cheater and having your partner leave you is plenty humiliating. Childish pranks don't get anyone anywhere.

The best revenge is moving on and having a happy life.

#5 Froger

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:08 PM

Errr, I don't think you should be telling anyone to key anyone's car or wreck their property!! Do you want your friend to end up with a criminal record?! Just because she is upset is no reason to wreck someone's property! I hope you were joking. Plus if they ever end up in court over any aspect of the separation/divorce, this will not be a good look for her!

I think she should stay calm and do nothing illegal!

Edited by SarahM72, 05 February 2013 - 02:12 PM.


#6 NunSoFeral

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:09 PM

Man - I think i would be too shattered to be vicious.
The sorrow of it would overwhem me more than the anger.

I think.

That said, I think feeling angry is totally appropriate in this scenario, along with feeling betrayed, etc.

The retributions for infidelity that i remember reading about go along  the lines of the old prawn heads in the curtain rods, STD clinic brochure mail outs, and the transvestite escort turning up to the fellows workplace.

Hope she gets past this stage soon, BW - I think you are being a really good friend by encouraging her to get past the revenge phase.

#7 Especially*K*

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:11 PM

Errr....I wouldnt do a lot of those things. I probably wouldnt hide my feelings or pussy foot around what happened if his family asked about the situation, but i wouldnt actively call them with the details.

Keying the car...? Nooooo.... so so childish!!

#8 Hands Up

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:14 PM

QUOTE (her mum @ 05/02/2013, 03:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think she's done enough.

Not to say that he doesn't deserve whatever he has coming to him, but the best revenge really would be for her to move on with her dignity intact and enjoy life.

Petty cutting arms off shirts type acts are really just that, petty.



+ 1.

#9 Missy Shelby

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:14 PM

I suppose it is really hard for us to comment until we are in that exact situation.

I suppose it is easy to say, lead a happy life that is best revenge but we are dealing with very raw and intense human emotions when it comes to matters like this.

I know that I would go nuts if I found this out as I trust my DH so much that I would feel betrayed and feel as though my whole life has been a lie.

I am sorry that your friend is going through this OP, it is such a crap situation to be in.  I think just try and be there as much as you can for her (which I am sure you are) and maybe you just try and be the voice of reason until she calms down and can think and focus properly.

#10 HRH Countrymel

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:14 PM

I'm great at plans, just rubbish at following them through.

I won't tell you my fabulous foolproof plan as it really was evil.  

And honestly if your friend keeps at it she loses her 'moral high ground' position and she really deserves to keep that.

Take her out for a big boozy dinner and slag him off all night, but don't encourage her to keep at this revenge thing - it isn't healthy, and it won't look good when she goes into court.

#11 71Cath

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:16 PM

I wanted to do all those things.  I didn't do any of them.  I am very aware that I need to co-parent with him and while those things would relieve my feelings for a few minutes, I would feel worse afterwards and I need to deal with him for the sake of the children.

Certainly though I thought all those things and a few more besides.

I hope your friend is OK OP.

#12 Kemma

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:24 PM

Instead of planning revenge she should definitely try to revel in the position of moral superiority.  
Her children will probably one day find out all the gory details one way or another seeing as it was all so ' in the family' so to speak.

She comes out of it smelling like roses and her kids will look up to her.

That said, thinking of all the horrible humiliating things she could do to him would be great fun with a few drinks, but try to keep it at that.  Her kids will thank her.

#13 FlutterbyBlue

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:28 PM

QUOTE (AllyK81 @ 05/02/2013, 03:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would do none of this. It doesn't achieve anything.

When my ex cheated on me, I left him. Simple.

If people asked why we broke up, I told them. I think being branded a cheater and having your partner leave you is plenty humiliating. Childish pranks don't get anyone anywhere.

The best revenge is moving on and having a happy life.



This!

#14 The Falcon

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:31 PM

Hmmm... to be honest I would be so hurt and angry I would do anything I could think of that would hurt him back, as long as it didn't get the law involved.  But I do think its childish to do so.

I hope you can talk her into maintaining her moral high ground.

#15 weepingangel

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:33 PM

Having been in a similar situation, i get her anger and her need to hurt him, because she's so damm hurt and broken right now.

Just because she thinks these things, doesn't mean she'll actually do them. It's almost a power thing, you feel like all yours in gone, someone you loved has betrayed you and broken you...You feel this need to make them hurt.

You get through it, you find someway of letting the anger out, most of the time without violence or criminal activities! Maybe help her find a way of expressing all her hurt and pain and anger?

I don't have many ideas- Write them a letter letting it all out-burn it? Write down her most devious plan of revenge-then burn it? Remind her she is the better person.

PP's with the high moral ground, don't judge others and their reactions to betrayal like infidelity. Until you've been there you dont know the pain and anger- If you have been there, then appreciate that others react differently to you.



#16 Peppery

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:41 PM

QUOTE (AllyK81 @ 05/02/2013, 03:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would do none of this. It doesn't achieve anything.

When my ex cheated on me, I left him. Simple.

If people asked why we broke up, I told them. I think being branded a cheater and having your partner leave you is plenty humiliating. Childish pranks don't get anyone anywhere.

The best revenge is moving on and having a happy life.


This as well except i doubt my ex husband felt humiliated by the situation.

Edited by Peppery, 05 February 2013 - 02:42 PM.


#17 MrsLexiK

Posted 05 February 2013 - 02:47 PM

QUOTE (Missy Shelby @ 05/02/2013, 03:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I suppose it is really hard for us to comment until we are in that exact situation.

I suppose it is easy to say, lead a happy life that is best revenge but we are dealing with very raw and intense human emotions when it comes to matters like this.

I know that I would go nuts if I found this out as I trust my DH so much that I would feel betrayed and feel as though my whole life has been a lie.

I am sorry that your friend is going through this OP, it is such a crap situation to be in.  I think just try and be there as much as you can for her (which I am sure you are) and maybe you just try and be the voice of reason until she calms down and can think and focus properly.


My ex cheated on me and I felt so hurt it was unbelievable, it was the lies that he had said in the time he had cheated (I did in the time he was cheating ask if he wanted to be with someone else, was he happy blah blah - of course he was he was just stressed with working.  No the a-hole wanted his cake and to eat it too!) that really stayed with me and actually gave me trouble in my next relationships.  It is something I have never (even with councilling) been able to 100% get over (as in the betrayal part not him.)

If my DH was doing his SIL (or a close friend's spouse, or one of my sisters) I would react much differently then if he was having it off with a random.  Their is no way I would be able to take the higher ground in the begining if he was having an affair with one of the above.  With someone I don't know (ie a random) I could possible take the higher ground and I think I would stay much more calmer.  I wouldn't be calling up everyone in my phone book and explaining I had walked in on him and said random.  But I would perhaps be doing that if it was my SIL, or a close friend or a sister.  When it is a close friend, sister or SIL etc it is not just your DH but the other person who you presumably have a relationship with as well.

#18 Wanalta

Posted 05 February 2013 - 03:29 PM

When I found out XH was having a long term affair with a 'friend' of mine I spent many hours planning revenge and exposure but in the end, did nothing but tell those who asked why we had split.

I remember one night sitting in front of FB wanting to expose them both so everyone would know what they had done to me and her husband but stopped myself over and over and it just wasn't worth compromising my own self respect for two people who deliberately deceived everyone.

We live in a tiny rural town though - so word was out very quickly and frankly all I felt then was shame. Ashamed that I couldn't keep my marriage together, ashamed that my husband and friend thought so little of me that they could deceive me in this way. It was an awful time.

I still have a file though - they both did heaps of drugs and I have so many dates, transaction history, witness names, dealer names and addresses, texts etc and have people I could give this information to for investigation but since XH and I have two children together the file will most likely stay where it is.





#19 Queen Yoda

Posted 05 February 2013 - 03:50 PM

QUOTE (AllyK81 @ 05/02/2013, 02:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would do none of this. It doesn't achieve anything.

When my ex cheated on me, I left him. Simple.

If people asked why we broke up, I told them. I think being branded a cheater and having your partner leave you is plenty humiliating. Childish pranks don't get anyone anywhere.

The best revenge is moving on and having a happy life.

this.

I'd also use the joint account to pay for a year's worth of counselling for me, twice a week for 52 weeks.  Because I know I'd need to have that to have any chance of keeping my head above water and staying sane and reasonable.  He can pay for it since he caused it.  And hopefully that would get me moving on with my life faster, without the cheating XH/DH.

No doubt I would spend many moments dreaming about how I could hurt & humiliate him, but I don't think I'd actually do anything really.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 05 February 2013 - 03:50 PM.


#20 Feral*Spikey*

Posted 05 February 2013 - 04:57 PM

I'd take a page out of the First Wives' Club. You know the bit where Ivana Trump says,

"don't get even darlink, get everythink".

I wish my mother had done some of this when she discovered that her husbands (yes, both of them) had cheated on her. Being poor sucks big time - moral high ground be damned.

I'd also think about all of those revenge tales that are mean and nasty, and not do any of them, but I would definitely daydream about them.

If it were my friend, I'd encourage her to get counselling, get to a gym to work out that anger, and support her as best as I can. After the anger comes grief, and she will need people to catch her when that happens. sad.gif

#21 Rainbow Brite

Posted 05 February 2013 - 05:16 PM

The problem with these threads is that unless you have been in the situation it is really hard to say what you would do as you don't know what the person is actually feeling.

It is so easy to say"I would take the moral high road" etc etc. but really??? How do you know.

Hope your friend can work through this horrid situation.

#22 Queen Yoda

Posted 05 February 2013 - 06:15 PM

QUOTE (Madam Plum @ 05/02/2013, 05:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The problem with these threads is that unless you have been in the situation it is really hard to say what you would do as you don't know what the person is actually feeling.

It is so easy to say"I would take the moral high road" etc etc. but really??? How do you know.

hence the need for a year's worth of intensive therapy, pre-paid.   biggrin.gif

#23 Fenrir

Posted 05 February 2013 - 06:22 PM

Let me clarify - she hasn't done anything apart from the CC, phone and the two front tyres of his work truck. She did say that she was just so speechless with hurt and shock that she didn't say one word at the time of discovery but walked out, went to work, thought about it for a few minutes and then made the calls. She did the tyres when she came home that afternoon before she went into the house to pack a bag to go to her mothers house. He has a motorbike so was out on that when she got home.

We, as in her friends and she,  have discussed what we would do should the rest of us be found in the same situation. We have certainly not encouraged her to do any of it.

What we have done is have many bottles of wine and cried with her. She was so calm when she called us the next day but her mother did say she cried and cried when she got to her house.

Right at this moment she is still so very angry and hurt and hasn't spoken to him, ignored his calls etc. I do know she has contacted a solicitor with regards to a divorce.

#24 Feral_Pooks

Posted 05 February 2013 - 06:24 PM

The initial reaction I can totally understand. If it were my DP, I would want to humiliate him. I would probably post it all over Facebook to make sure everyone knew. I'd kick him out with only the shirt on his back and cancel the CC for sure. I'd be a wild thing. I'd probably destroy some of his favourite things. I'd tell him he was the scum of the earth. I'd try to crush him to some kind of approximation of how crushed I felt. I'd want to see him hurting.

But once that has happened, I wouldn't waste my time planning revenge.

I'd just get a really, really good lawyer and try to do as well in the separation settlement as possible.

#25 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 05 February 2013 - 06:48 PM

I wouldn't so any of it.  I'd walk away and cut every tie. End of. Not another single second of my time or energy wasted.  Good riddance.  I would not want him thinking he was getting to me.




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