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Feeling like a terrible mother


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#1 veggiepatchfamily

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:32 PM

I saw the CNHN today for DS1s 3.5 yo assessment. To put it frankly- he failed!!
He couldn't do the copying drawing stuff she asked, couldn't count to 10.
She did a further assessment and said that 71 us the 'pass' mark. He got 45.
She has sent a referal away to a team for assessment.

I am feeling absolutely terrible!!!!! I feel like the worst mum ever.

We read stories every night and play games but he doesn't seem to be sble to get his head around it all.
He knows 1,2,3 and circles and triangles but that's it.
When we read stories and sing songs he knows he can say the correct words etc from memory.
He does have trouble listening and concentrating with tasks but I would not have thought it was more then a normal 3 year old.

He didn't know his middle or last name, any colours (everything used to been blue, then green, now black), he couldn't draw the same shapes as her.
He said the picture was "feets" not feet, and "mouses" not mice.
He couldn't repeat after her.

I know he is bad at all these things so I try every day with him, but I didn't think he was so bad until he was tested.

Obviously his not getting it in his own time with just play teaching, so do I need to set times out each day to school him to learn?

I feel I am a clever enough person and I study and learn well. I am having trouble with the idea that he is so far behind. I feel like I will be labeled as a bad mum who doesn't spend enough time with him working on it!!!

Does anyone know the path from here? What will this 'team' do? She said they will come and play games with and assess him in our home... Then what?


(Please don't get on here and tell me how your 2 year old can count to 200, knows all her colours and shapes and speaks 3 languages as I'm just not able to hear that right now).

#2 wallofdodo

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:37 PM

Not sure what the path is from here, but I just wanted to say, that is why the tests are there, to pick these things up. You are not a development expert, and isn't it great that he hasn't fallen through the cracks?

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up.

#3 jayskette

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:40 PM

I know a 5yo who just started kindy this year. He can count to 5, say A B and C, recognises the short form of his name but not his proper name, cannot write any letters...

#4 nicknick

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:42 PM

Sorry OP to hear that, but you sound very far from a terrible mum. My DS has speech delay and has been seeing a speech therapist since 18 months (now 3). At first I felt the same, I had failed him and it was my fault. It wasn't until I started speech therapy that it changed and I was much more positive that was a good mum for doing that and helping him work through it, he just needs a little help and that's ok. Your son will get there, they all learn differently and if he needs a little help then thats ok and it shows what a wonderful mum you are to be giving him everything he needs.

#5 mummy2amelia

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:43 PM

QUOTE
Does anyone know the path from here? What will this 'team' do? She said they will come and play games with and assess him in our home... Then what?


They will tell you what you can do to help him.

#6 StopTheGoats

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:45 PM

Please don't beat yourself up until you know what is going on. It could be something minor that has nothing to do with you. All we do is read and play. You're not meant to be his teacher and you've done the right thing by taking him along for his check.
Best of luck original.gif

#7 Agnodice the Feral

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:45 PM

Oh hun.

This is NOT your fault.

The Brigance (which is what the test is called) is a screening test. It IS heavily influenced by culture etc (like all standardized tests are) but it is designed for kids who are NOT specifically taught stuff. The idea is that (and this may be hard to hear) even without specific 'schooling' most kids at 3.5 will know their name, or their colours, or can make a stack of blocks, or will have picked up correct tenses. If they have not, then there may be something going on - whether that be hearing issues, developmental delay, challenging home situation, whatever (not saying any of this applies to you).

It may well be the case that no matter how much you 'taught' him, that this is the result he would have gotten. And it's not a failing on your part that you didn't notice - he's your beautiful boy and he's 'normal' to you (as he should be!). The whole reason MCHN are trained in the Brigance is to work out which children might need some extra help in one or more areas.

This is not about you being a good or bad parent - this is about one single test which has suggested that perhaps your child needs further assessment to work out what's going on, and maybe he and yor whole family need some help from people higgy trained in this sort of thing to ultimately create a scenario where your child can fulfill his whole potential.

Please call the MCHN tomorrow and ask all your questions. In my experience, most are happy to have an extra appointment and chat to you about what this all means.

Good luck. I hope it all turns out ok.

#8 jantastic

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:51 PM

You're not a failure! He's going to have an Early Intervention team, not a "team of experts" - you've been able to see that things aren't clicking for him, but haven't known what to do. Now, you're going to have people trained in development helping your son to figure these things out.

My son has early intervention therapies and they are wonderful.
The best part of it is that they teach ME what to do with him as well. The difference is amazing.

I still find it hard to know when my DS is ahead or behind his peers, as he just seems 'normal' to me (other than his obvious gross motor skill delay).

I think that it's wonderful that you're so on the ball and have taken him to the appointment where any issues have been identified.  It sounds like he's not too far behind, and hopefully he'll respond brilliantly to EI.

#9 Therese

Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:55 PM

Please don't feel like a terrible mother, you are not one. These tests are there so they can offer you help where it is needed.

Good luck.

#10 dogma

Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:07 PM

The thing they forget with some of the standardised testing is that kids develop at their own rate! They will give him help if he needs it, but really, he's 3!! Give him time and he'll be great original.gif

#11 sydney75

Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:33 PM

You could try tutoring programs e.g school readiness classes which i know i lot of mums send their kids there.

#12 Done

Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:46 PM

your a good mum. you did the check up.

I was just thinking the other day, I think I may have missed a check up.  Yep looks like it was the 3.5 year one for ds and probably an 18month on for dd!!!

#13 NATPR

Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:52 PM

-

#14 Bomber girl

Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:55 PM

My DS failed the eye test at 3.5 I had no idea. Don't stress too much, he is going to get the help he needs.

#15 miaandme

Posted 05 February 2013 - 08:37 PM

Hi there,

I'm the very first to say get help, but honestly the testing sounds a bit over the top to me.  (I'm not saying don't get help - but don't panic yet!!)

My 5 year old only just learnt her middle and last name.  We just never mentioned it before.  She knew her name was xxxx xxxx, but which was the first name and which was her last/surname she didn't know. At 3.5 she probably knew a few numbers/letters and probalby most shapes.  At 4 I was panicking a bit because she still didn't know all the alphabet and numbers.

She has just started school at 5, and I think she is completely normal.  She knows her alaphbet, their phonics, numbers to 10 and some sight words.


My identical twins who will be 3 in March (just to give you an idea of kids a bit younger) can do the following things.  And shese kids are shown the EXACT same things in a day.  And their development is completely different.

Twin 1 -
*counts to 7 correctly (not one to one correspondance though).
* knows 1 colour
* can sort of draw a face and a sun
* knows one number to recognise by sight
* knows 2 letters of the alphabet to recognise by sight.
* knows shapes - circle, triangle, diamond, star


Twin 2
* goes crazy with the counting and numbers are all over the shop!
*Knows 1 colour
* scribbles only
* knows numbers to recognise, 2,3,4,5,7,8
* knows about 14 letters of the alphabet to recognise by sight.
* knows shpaes - circle, triangle, diamond, star, oval.

They can speak well, but I'm not sure if they would get their tenses correct.  I've hardly  never sat down and taught my twins these things.  Only recently, I've started, thinking I don't want them to get "behind"!"  

I know a PP has said that this is what kids would just pick up on in every day life, but unless you sat down and said, triangle, circle, this is the letter 2 etc, they just would NOT learn it.  My little ones also do not watch TV so would not see it there.  

I do not believe its a sign of intelligence if a 3.5 year old can recognise the alphabet and numbers etc.  Actually, I've never had any of my older children (two of them) asked any such thing.  At DD2s 4 year old wellness check, it was more about social and emotional development, including speech development.

I know this is an essay.  But please don't feel disheartened.  You are not a failure and neither is your child.

Good luck





#16 hoohoobump

Posted 05 February 2013 - 08:50 PM

Hopefully the Early Intervention Team will assess him and give you some ideas on how to help and some leads on further assessment/therapy as needed. Or maybe you will have a fun morning playing with someone else's toys and be reassured there's nothing to worry about.

Better to find out before he is at school...

#17 Fillyjonk

Posted 06 February 2013 - 12:52 PM

You don't sound like a bad mum at all. I don't have anything useful to add, I just wanted to reassure you of that.



#18 mayahlb

Posted 06 February 2013 - 07:41 PM

You don't sound like a bad mum to me. My 4 year old never did this test but I can tell you straight out that he would fail it from what you have described. He sure can't count to 10 without help. He can't even count to 5 (he insists that the number 1 does not exist and counts 2, 4, 6, 8 or, 2, 3, 6, 8, or 2, 8, 4, 6. You can tell he likes his even numbers). His colors are only right half the time, he does know his shapes, well the triangle, circle and a rectangle. Can only just draw a circle, most of his drawing is still scribbles though he has started drawing people lately as he now is slightly obsessed with circles. I won't go into speech as he has a speech disorder so is different there and can't actually say his name, he can try but apparently his name is a very hard one for him to say, though I can tell you he only knows his middle and last name from when he gets into big trouble. And he has seen peads, a speechie, and an occupational therapist and been assessed as normal with some behavioral quirks.

The early intervention teams are normally lovely people that just want to help and will show you different things to do. But it sounds like you are doing a lot of similar things anyway.

I hope that gives you a bit of comfort anyway.

#19 FeralDancesHere

Posted 06 February 2013 - 08:16 PM

QUOTE (miaandme @ 05/02/2013, 09:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know a PP has said that this is what kids would just pick up on in every day life, but unless you sat down and said, triangle, circle, this is the letter 2 etc, they just would NOT learn it.  My little ones also do not watch TV so would not see it there.


I agree with this. I hadn't heard of the testing but looked it up after reading your post and a lot of it seems to be testing rote learning.

How on earth would a child know the knowledge based questions unless someone has tought them.

My DS would fail the name test. We only call him by an abbreviated version of his name, and never use his full name. He couldn't tell you his address, but he could direct you here from almost anywhere in town. His age is either 3 or 22 dependiing on his mood. I know DS will also not always test flawlessly, sometimes he is just feeling silly and wont give the right answer even though he knows it.

I'll be honest and say I hate the check box testing that is done (and MCHN services seem to be big on it). My DS attends daycare and they do structured learning. I get feedback so I know how he is doing compared to other (real) kids his age, and they inform parents if they see something potentially wrong

#20 Lucygoosey1

Posted 06 February 2013 - 09:25 PM

Your post actually got me thinking,  are some of those things really expected of a 3.5yr old?  
If anyone has a link to the test they do,  then I'd be very interested?

And OP I don't think you seem like a bad parent!

#21 Alina0210

Posted 06 February 2013 - 09:46 PM

Whoa.... Pressure on the kid.... Relax relax relax...

My DS was in PrePrimary (6) and could only just do 1-10.... And even going into Year 1 he didnt know all his ABC.... By end of year 1 he was up to all the others...

My DD (age 4) knows 1-30 and all ABC's.... But there others that dont.



#22 Tall Poppy

Posted 06 February 2013 - 09:58 PM

I'm really interested to see what these test entail. A mum from playgroup has her child's 4 year checkup & I was amazed by what she needed to know. There's no way my nearly 4 year old would be able to do most of it.

I don't thinkiure a bad mum at all. The fact you have posted here for advice shows that. If you didn't  care you wouldn't bother seeking help. Sorry I have no advice as such.

#23 veggiepatchfamily

Posted 07 February 2013 - 10:18 AM

Thanks for the replies!!

I have been sitting down with him twice a day and using blocks and things to group colours, name them and count them. Then drawing things, for him to copy. I'll draw a person with no arms or a face, with no mouth or ears and ask him what is missing and to draw it.
Then we'll read books and I'll try to get him to repeat after me "a white mouse, a black dog, three little kittens". He can only do 3 words at a time.

It's so so frustrating!!! I am working hard to keep my cool and celebrate his little successes.

We are also being stricter on speach and making him pronounce things properly and using full sentences.

So far no difference sad.gif

I also thought the test was tricky, but if its a standard expectation of development I guess he should know it.

I appreciate other people telling me where their children are at too.

Not sure if I should start a new thread for my next question but I want to start doing more arts and crafts with DS.
We already do lots of drawing with pens, pencils and chalk- but I'm thinking it would be fun to start using boxes, glue and sciccors and getting stuff from the garden like leaves, sand sticks.
Can any one give me direction on how to do this kind of play? Do I just let him go for it? Or do I plan to make something in particular? Like a truck or picture of a beach?

I feel really useless asking these questions but I guess I just want to use our play time as constructively as possible.

Thanks again everyone for your replies!
EFS

Edited by veggiepatchfamily, 07 February 2013 - 10:23 AM.


#24 veggiepatchfamily

Posted 07 February 2013 - 10:31 AM

QUOTE (BadKitteh @ 06/02/2013, 10:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm really interested to see what these test entail. A mum from playgroup has her child's 4 year checkup & I was amazed by what she needed to know. .


There was things like
His full name
Naming colours she pointed out
Stacking little blocks as high as possible
He had to give her a certain number of blocks, or give her the blocks so he only had a certain number left
He had to name objects and their use, book for reading, scissors for cutting, kite for flying, fridge for keeping things cold
Look at a picture and say what was happening, eg picture of stairs with a boy walking up and a girl walking down.
He had to copy her drawings, circle, cross, star, square, triangle
He had to name things with the correct terms, foot --> feet, mice--> mouse
He had to draw a person
He had to balance on one leg for a minimum for 5 seconds
He had to walk with one foot directly infront of the other
Had to name body parts, eyes, finger nails, teeth, heels
A few other things I can't remember now.


#25 harriet15

Posted 07 February 2013 - 01:58 PM

Hi there, you are doing a wonderful job helping your son.
It sounds like we have had similar experiences with checkups, and tests. My son is 4, and have been through identical tests to you. I definitely find some things he just didn't know because he had never been exposed to it, like "what's his middle name", he'd probably never heard it out loud.
We had the early intervention test at our home, and he actually did much better at this than he did  6 months ago, he just wasn't ready earlier.

It can be stressful though can't it.

Regarding your question re arts and craft, my son has been a really hard one to get him interested in these things, even drawing. However what I have done, was buy one of those craft boxes from KMart (cheap). I then searched the internet for kids craft ideas, you can print out templates to cut and paste, eg, a duck that all you needed was a toilet roll, stuck on a beak, feathers etc. )these are on the template you print out.
The playschool website has some great craft ideas. My son definitely needs something to work towards, he's not interested it;s just random. We have made lots of cars out of toilet rolls, lids I have saved from bottles work for wheels. We use thins from the KMart craft box to decorate. We used a bigger box to make a garage.

Keep up the great work  original.gif








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