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#1 whoha

Posted 04 February 2013 - 01:33 PM

Deleted,  sorry

Edited by mrsbeer, 04 February 2013 - 07:15 PM.


#2 Jax12

Posted 04 February 2013 - 01:39 PM

I'm sorry I don't have any personal knowledge on the subject, but it's a huge decision.  I would sit with your DH and go through all these questions and concerns and write them down.  I think it's entirely appropriate for you to take your time in considering this request and have a meeting with your friends and go through each point in detail until you are satisfied with the agreement.  Your friends should undertand that you need to have clear boundaries and guidelines before going into this.  FWIW I would definitely have a legal contract drawn up stipulating the terms and conditions of the donation if that's an option.  Good luck and I think the fact the you and your DH are considering this request is really lovely.  I'm not sure how I would feel.

#3 katpaws

Posted 04 February 2013 - 01:42 PM

QUOTE
we wouldn't have any financial responsibity towards the child


I think that you may find that this is not correct. There have been a few court cases recently where sperm donors who had certain agreements with the biological mother that did not hold up in later years (ie financial responsibility).

Will you be telling your children they have a half sibling?



#4 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 04 February 2013 - 01:43 PM

It is my understanding if you go through a clinic and not do it at home then your DH will not have any financial obligation to the child. (at least that's how it is here in WA).

The rest, I can't comment on.

#5 alwayshappy

Posted 04 February 2013 - 01:54 PM

huge decision with life long consequences.  Do lots of reading, ask lots of questions and be thinking long term - 5 years, 15 years, 25 years... and the implication for you, your DH and your kids.  Be really clear that there will be implications for your children (f you have them) in the future and the way you perceive the donation may not be the way they do.

#6 bailee

Posted 04 February 2013 - 01:55 PM

My understanding is that if she is using IVF or other assisted reproduction, that he would need to attend the clinic (and you as his partner) and go through all the paperwork to list him as a known donor. I know someone who did this. If not I think legally they are considered the father and will be considered legally responsible (well at least as far as child support & Centrelink are concerned)  If you go through the clinic then at least you will get counseling to help you ensure that it is the right decision for you both. Personally, as someone who has been through it, I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't want to use a clinic and make it all 'official'.

#7 Feral Dinosaurus

Posted 04 February 2013 - 01:58 PM

Honestly is the friendship good enough to survive any outcome?

You say no, what happens?

You say yes:

Full medical history of your DH is disclosed,

They still want to go ahead.

Baby is healthy, loved, wanted. Then what?

Baby is not healthy...

Couple divorce...

Sorry you are obviously taking this seriously, I would think even with a legal document waiving child support the Court could still rule it must be paid - it's not like he doesn't' know exactly what is happening - it's different to anonymous donation, and as PP said, some courts see it that way.

I would be saying no to everyone except  a sibling, even then I'd have a really hard think about it.

Too hard basket - good luck with your decision.

#8 Mamabear2010

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:06 PM

It's a tough decision. I think the recent court case related to a case where the couples hadn't used a clinic. It was something they'd arranged privately.

I thought if you were donating to a known couple, then the clinic would require you to have some counselling. I also thought that the clinic would want you to have finished your own family first.

I'm sure other more knowledgeable ebers will come in and give you some advice. Good luck.

#9 whoha

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:07 PM

Thanks for reply,  this is more complicated than what's in my mind.  I hope
Dh will make a good decision.

#10 roses99

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:20 PM

I disagree with you that it is your DH's decision. You are partners and this will affect you. Your DH will be fathering a child with a close friend. Your children will have a half sibling.  It IS a very big deal. You also need to factor in emotional connections. Will the child be told that your DH is his/her father?

ETA: I think it goes the other way too. If I wanted to donate my eggs, any decision to go ahead would have to be with my hisband's agreement. I think something like this needs to be a joint decision. If you aren't both 100% on board, the status quo remains.



Edited by roses99, 04 February 2013 - 02:23 PM.


#11 Lolpigs

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:31 PM

I would be seeking legal advice. Unless it is done through an appropriate donation agency, your DH is essentially fathering the child and all the rights and responsibilities that come along with that. Including legal and financial so be careful.


And no I wouldn't agree that it is just your DH decision. I am like PP, I wouldn't be doing it unless both Dh and me agreed.

#12 MrsLexiK

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:38 PM

I haven't gone through this but I have thought about it when the question has been asked. (No one would want my crappy eggs so it would just be DH's sperm anyone would ask about) Questions to consider:

How will you feel seeing this child brought up perhaps differently to how you would bring a child up?

Are you complete with your family? One of the reasons that this baby is most likely to be an only child is because for me it is more likely then not I wouldn't carry to term.  Basically I am too scared to go through it again, I would be heart broken to see another one of DH's off springs around knowing that DH would love 2 - 4 children.

#13 Zephie Chugger

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:43 PM

QUOTE (katpaws @ 04/02/2013, 02:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think that you may find that this is not correct. There have been a few court cases recently where sperm donors who had certain agreements with the biological mother that did not hold up in later years (ie financial responsibility).

Will you be telling your children they have a half sibling?



This happened in the UK was over turned.

QUOTE
It is different from normal donation anonymously
, no not really.

QUOTE
do we have any say about how many kids she will have
no its not your body or family.

If your DH  goes through a clinic  you all (the 4 of you) to have some counselling (that is law),  your DH will never  be considered the father or will be considered legally responsible unless there is child conceived through sex.



#14 cme

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:45 PM

Hi Op,

You may want to move this to the AC Donor support section. DH and I are currently looking for a sperm donor, so I understand what a big deal this is.

If you go through a clinic you will have no financial obligations. This also means you have no 'rights' as to how the child is raised. If you proceed I would definitely insist on a legal document, this is also helpful in getting you all to agree on many of the complicated issues rather than just thinking you agree. Tough discussions now will make things easier in the long run. Things such as if the child is told that your DH is the donor, any visitation obligations, what you tell to other friends and family etc.

Legally your DH's sperm is his property until it fertilises one of her eggs. Than any embryo's become their 'property'. Practically speaking that means you can change your mind until an egg is fertilised. It also means that when she undergoes the IVF/ICSI there may get more than one embryo (hopefully) which they will freeze for future cycles. (aprox 30% success rate for each transfer). If they are successful and have a child and still have frozen embryos, you will have no say about using them. But if they need 'samples' in the future you will have a say.

Most clinics will put you through compulsory councilling to make sure you have discussed the major issues.

It is a big decision. Personally I think it is wonderful that you are considering it and you also are approaching it properly not just saying yes or no. Feel free to PM me.

#15 Starrydawn

Posted 04 February 2013 - 02:57 PM

It is called known donor. You can get a contract drawn up but of course there is always a grey area. In this put all conditions you both decide on with regards to financial, contact and information.

Through a clinic you will go through all the proper channels of counselling for both of you and your recipient. Use this to ask and clarify all questions and concerns.

No you don't get any say once the embryo/s become hers. She may have one, none or five kids. You have to understand you are the donor not the parent regardless of her perceived parenting style. Be open and honest with your kids as she should be with this child. It is nothing to be hidden or ashamed of.

I didn't use a known donor but ID release through the clinic so it is a bit different.

Good luck with it all.

I would get this post moved to the AC or DC section.

Edited by Chedasha, 04 February 2013 - 03:04 PM.


#16 Heather11

Posted 04 February 2013 - 03:11 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 04/02/2013, 02:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I disagree with you that it is your DH's decision. You are partners and this will affect you. Your DH will be fathering a child with a close friend. Your children will have a half sibling.  It IS a very big deal. You also need to factor in emotional connections. Will the child be told that your DH is his/her father?

ETA: I think it goes the other way too. If I wanted to donate my eggs, any decision to go ahead would have to be with my hisband's agreement. I think something like this needs to be a joint decision. If you aren't both 100% on board, the status quo remains.


^ This

It affects you dramatically.

When you catch up with friends and notice the child looks like your child/ren is it going to affect you?  What happens if the couple split and the other decides not to support the sole parent?  Is your DH going to feel obligated to help out financially etc.  I am sure there are more ramifications too.

#17 Funwith3

Posted 04 February 2013 - 03:16 PM

QUOTE (mrsbeer @ 04/02/2013, 03:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks for reply,  this is more complicated than what's in my mind.  I hope
Dh will make a good decision.

Its not just your husband's decision... you need to agree on the decision because it will affect you both for the rest of your lives. You need to have an input. I think it would be an amazing gift to give to someone but I think you need to do it absolutely legally and properly (not suggesting you wouldn't but I just wanted to reaffirm that!!)

#18 Romeo Void

Posted 04 February 2013 - 05:51 PM

Our DD is the result of a friends husband donating to us.  My friend and I have been friends since early childhood so we're more like sisters. Even so we had to do some real soul searching before we decided (and they decided!) that it could work.  For example I asked my friend how she would feel if I had a DD (she only had a DS at the time) and she said 'I don't know any different, parenting a girl kind of scares me so I don't think I'd have a problem'.  Then I asked her how she would feel if, say, our child really excelled at sport when hers didn't and she said 'well, I'd be pretty sure the child didn't get the gene from OUR side LOL'.  We really went through every scenario.   And their and our children are aware of the wonderfully intertwined nature of our family!  It really does boil down to what kind of relationship you have with the friends.  The scary 'you may end up paying for the child' is only a concern if you don't go through a clinic.  Don't do it at home!!!

I'm happy to answer any questions.




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