Jump to content

Letter to MIL


  • Please log in to reply
63 replies to this topic

#1 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:16 AM

My husband and I haven't had contact with his mother in a year in a half because she was very nasty about us getting married with 6 days notice so none of our parents were there.  We moved to Australia in January 2012 (she lives here) and haven't seen her.  She has never met our daughter and met our son once.  We talked about giving her another chance and both decided we're open to it.  But we feel we need to set some stipulations in place before hand so have decided to write her a letter.  What does everyone think??

  Mum

  DW and I have been talking.  We have decided we want to try again in our relationship with you.  You are the only living grandmother our children have and we feel sad that they don’t know you.  We still feel hurt and upset with the way you reacted to our marriage, but are willing to put that behind us for the sake of our children.  

  There will have to be stipulations regarding our contact.  Its up to you whether you choose to accept them and have contact with us and our children.  Or not and things stay as they are.

  ·         No drama, bullsh*t, crying etc.

  ·         Leave the past in the past

  ·         Mutual respect

  ·         No name calling or commenting on other family members

  ·         We don’t want to see DH's sister


  ·         It stays off facebook



#2 EsmeLennox

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:22 AM

If I received a letter like that I'd tell you to **** off.

I can't imagine why she would have been upset about you getting married with 6 days notice and being unable to be there...

#3 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:23 AM

Wow.  Yeah I'd be telling you to eff off as well.

#4 Nora.

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:23 AM

That would p*ss me off if I was your MIL. I would be hurt if my children got married without me being there too. I think we forget that they love us and want to be included in the important events.

QUOTE
Dear Mum,

we have decided to leave things in the past and would like to invite you to meet your grandchildren and have a relationship with you.

Look forward to hearing from you

xo


I think this is a much better way to reach out. Don't treat her like a child, even if she has behaved like one in the past. It's patronising.

#5 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:24 AM

We don't have her phone numbers.  She has debt collectors after her (we've had them calling us looking for her).  To be honest she acts like a child and we feel she will continue to do so if we don't put our foot down at the beginning.

#6 niggles

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:26 AM

I think he should call, or send a much shorter letter. Tellling her there will be rules without saying what they are is not going to invite a fresh start that lets go of past hurts.

Personally I think if you want to give her a chance you have to be prepared to trust that she will behave decently. Hard to say without knowing what your stipulations are but it suggests you don't expect her to know how to behave.

Instead of rules or stipulations (which are pointless for an adult, it's not like you can enforce them) how about communicating your wants and expectations? Then she can decide if that sounds like something she can give.




#7 HRH Countrymel

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:26 AM

That is a pretty harsh letter.

I'm sure she is a right royal pain in the backside but those things don't need to be laid out on paper in the first communication in 18+ months.

I think PP is right in suggesting your husband just calls her.

Get the lay of the land first, I really don't think that letter isn't going to build any bridges, only set fire to the ones that are already broken!

#8 emnut

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:27 AM

That letter is the height of rudeness & disrespect.  It sounds to me like you are both being childish and unreasonable in response to her probably inappropriate response to being hurt at not getting to attend her son's wedding.  Then to add the part about not having contact with the sister (that is likely to be construed as making a parent choose between children) - no words really

#9 Shooz

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:30 AM

From your post OP I think it's obvious there has been more going on than just her reaction to your surprise wedding which I think most parents would feel hurt at being excluded from. You make no concession to her feelings in your letter and you may not feel she deserves this but I think if you want to try to build a relationship again then sending a letter which basically states all her wrongdoing whilst not suggesting that anything you did may have contributed will likely just get her back up. Why not offer a genuine olive branch let bygones be bygones and try to move forward without apportioning blame.

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:34 AM

Even if she does act like a child it is unlikely that treating her like one will achieve your desired result.

#11 happening

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:37 AM

Wow  -  are you trying to set your MIL up?

It's a rude, arrogant and incredibly entitled manoeuvre on your part.



#12 Procrastinator5000

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:40 AM

I know a couple who wrote a letter very much like this to her mother.

She was really offended but in the end, after much water under the bridge, they all have an excellent relationship.

The problem is, she couldn't see things from their side, even after the letter. She thought they were being selfish and excluding her. They couldn't see things from her side. They thought she was being immature and dramatic.

Her feelings and pain were very real though. I think a PP is right that you need to acknowledge and respect that.

It's hard when none of us really understand the extent of her personality and drama though, you're the ones that have to live with it!

#13 PattiODoors

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:42 AM

QUOTE (Jemstar @ 02/02/2013, 12:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If I received a letter like that I'd tell you to **** off.

I can't imagine why she would have been upset about you getting married with 6 days notice and being unable to be there...


Absolutely this.

As for not attending your wedding with 6 days notice. I presume you were still living overseas by the wording of your post. Maybe she couldn't afford the airfare, hotel, new outfit, arrange time off work etc at the drop of a hat.

If you don't have a number for her then for goodness sake reword your letter to something along the lines of what pp has written.






#14 I'm Batman

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:47 AM

I think its a bit rough the way you have treated her allround.

Its very hard to build back up trust. Nothing you've written in that letter would suggest that you want have a working relationship or have forgiven her.

If you want to move, want to have boundaries try talking her like a normal person and move from there. If she does something that is not right remove yourself from the situation.

#15 Lifesgood

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:49 AM

No way would I write a letter like that. You can't have a conditional relationship with her - you either accept her into your lives as she is or leave her out of it. From the sound of her I know which I would choose, but she is your family member so it is up to you and DH how badly you want her in your children's lives.

#16 Roobear

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:00 PM

Don't send it.

When we gave my MIL another chance. We sent around a bunch of flowers with a note saying "Let's put everything behind us and start again. Here's to a new beginning!" It went down well, we thought it would be the start of a better relationship but it only lasted 2 weeks before she started to meddle again, manipulate, be attention seeking and dramatic blah blah blah

Whatever. She is never going to change, at least I know I have tried and then tried again with her. We do still see her but only at 'big' events like we had them over on xmas eve and they came around to see DD for her birthday.

#17 *lightning

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:11 PM

Dear MIL

We would like to invite you to meet your grandchildren. We would like to start fresh and forget about what has happened in the past.

Give us a call and we can arrange a time to catch up.

From ......

If she calls you can talk to her about setting boundaries and how great it would be for her have a relationship with her grandchildren.

#18 Tree Sage

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:16 PM

I think this is an incredibly rude and selfish letter.
it doesnt matter what you did, or what she did, or any real or imagined slights from either side.
bottom line, your children deserve the right to have a relationship with their grandmother and for the adults in their lives to act like adults and put differences aside for the sake of the children.

So you MIL in immature. so what?
You know what she is. Accept it and move on.
people are not perfect and everyone has their faults. So long as there is no detreiment to your husband and yourself's relationship or the relationship with your children then really what is the problem with putting up with a pain in the bum MIL with a personality you dont like for the sake of your kids?

I will never understand how people can stop children knowing their family because of personality clashes. the only stipulations you need to make are that you all be respectful of each other and be happy and nice for the children's benefit.

#19 riva99

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:16 PM

Putting things like this in writing can be a really bad idea. If you must open the lines of communication this way keep it very, very brief. Any rules or stipulations can come after contact is renewed, not by a list of demands but by your actions.

Only you know your history. If she is an immature, irresponsible, drama queen do you really think she will change. Are you just setting yourselves, your kids and you MIL up for heart brake? You can't force her to be someone she isn't. You have to decide what kind of relationship to accept. Full contact, limited contact? Having a terrible parent/grandparent isn't always better than none at all.

Sometimes, it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

p.s. My husband and I eloped. His parents were sad but relieved we weren't "living in sin" anymore. My parents were delighted for me. I am their only daughter. So even if people are upset or disappointed by you choices doesn't give them the right to behave badly.

#20 Peppery

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:18 PM

Since you are the one initiating contact I think it is rude to set conditions. If I received that letter it would go straight in the bin.

If you are genuine about rebuilding a relationship leave out the conditions.

From a basic outsiders perspective, sounds like you are all better off not in each others lives.

#21 Yomumma

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:18 PM

QUOTE (happening @ 02/02/2013, 12:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's a rude, arrogant and incredibly entitled manoeuvre on your part.


Have to agree with this. There is quite a patronising, entitled tone to your letter. You won't get a healthy relationship with her starting like that!

#22 TheWanderer

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:25 PM

edited... maybe a little harsh given the extra detail but still don't think it will result in a constructive outcome

Edited by TheWanderer, 02 February 2013 - 12:50 PM.


#23 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:28 PM

Hmm I see everyone's points regarding the wording of the letter.  I wasn't happy with what hubby and I came up with so thats why i came here for advice.

There is much more to this story than I previously stated.  A lot of water under the bridge so to speak.  Much of it many years ago when my husband was a child.  We both feel if we don't state our expectations at the beginning it will start again where it left off.  Which is obviously not what we want.

Regarding the sister.  When hubby and sister were both teenagers MIL took the sister to the police to make a complaint that DH had hit sister.  Hubby was at a friends house when the alleged assault took place so it was all made up.  So hubby doesn't want anything to do with sister for obvious reasons.  Everyone else in the family respects that but MIL doesn't.

Regarding our marriage.  We decided to get married at a registray office.  It was something we'd be talking about for years and something happened shortly after our daughter was born that made it more important.  So we just did it.  All our parents live in Oz whilst we were living in NZ.  It would be impossible to make everyone happy with a wedding (which we couldn't afford anyway) so we decided to do it this way.  My Dad and hubby's Dad were obviously sad that they weren't there.  But they spoke about how they were feeling to us as opposed to posting lots of swear words and threats on our lives and that of our children on facebook.

#24 Dresden

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:35 PM

How old was the sister at time of alleged assault? It's a bit unfair to continue to punish the sister if she was a child herself at the time and compelled to lodge a complaint by her mother.

#25 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:39 PM

She was about 14, I guess.  She is 21 now.  Shes the same as her mother with regards to slagging people off on facebook.  Hubby is very adamant that she does not ever get to see his children.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win a copy of 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

To celebrate the launch of EB member and contributor Julia's Watson's first book, we have five copies of Breakfast, School Run, Chemo give away.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGO DUPLO Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.