Jump to content

Letter to MIL


  • Please log in to reply
63 replies to this topic

#1 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:16 AM

Deleted

Edited by sne, 16 November 2015 - 03:35 PM.


#2 EsmeLennox

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:22 AM

If I received a letter like that I'd tell you to **** off.

I can't imagine why she would have been upset about you getting married with 6 days notice and being unable to be there...

#3 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:23 AM

Wow.  Yeah I'd be telling you to eff off as well.

#4 Nora.

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:23 AM

That would p*ss me off if I was your MIL. I would be hurt if my children got married without me being there too. I think we forget that they love us and want to be included in the important events.

QUOTE
Dear Mum,

we have decided to leave things in the past and would like to invite you to meet your grandchildren and have a relationship with you.

Look forward to hearing from you

xo


I think this is a much better way to reach out. Don't treat her like a child, even if she has behaved like one in the past. It's patronising.

#5 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:24 AM

Deleted

Edited by sne, 16 November 2015 - 03:35 PM.


#6 niggles

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:26 AM

I think he should call, or send a much shorter letter. Tellling her there will be rules without saying what they are is not going to invite a fresh start that lets go of past hurts.

Personally I think if you want to give her a chance you have to be prepared to trust that she will behave decently. Hard to say without knowing what your stipulations are but it suggests you don't expect her to know how to behave.

Instead of rules or stipulations (which are pointless for an adult, it's not like you can enforce them) how about communicating your wants and expectations? Then she can decide if that sounds like something she can give.




#7 HRH Countrymel

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:26 AM

That is a pretty harsh letter.

I'm sure she is a right royal pain in the backside but those things don't need to be laid out on paper in the first communication in 18+ months.

I think PP is right in suggesting your husband just calls her.

Get the lay of the land first, I really don't think that letter isn't going to build any bridges, only set fire to the ones that are already broken!

#8 emnut

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:27 AM

That letter is the height of rudeness & disrespect.  It sounds to me like you are both being childish and unreasonable in response to her probably inappropriate response to being hurt at not getting to attend her son's wedding.  Then to add the part about not having contact with the sister (that is likely to be construed as making a parent choose between children) - no words really

#9 Shooz

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:30 AM

From your post OP I think it's obvious there has been more going on than just her reaction to your surprise wedding which I think most parents would feel hurt at being excluded from. You make no concession to her feelings in your letter and you may not feel she deserves this but I think if you want to try to build a relationship again then sending a letter which basically states all her wrongdoing whilst not suggesting that anything you did may have contributed will likely just get her back up. Why not offer a genuine olive branch let bygones be bygones and try to move forward without apportioning blame.

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:34 AM

Even if she does act like a child it is unlikely that treating her like one will achieve your desired result.

#11 happening

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:37 AM

Wow  -  are you trying to set your MIL up?

It's a rude, arrogant and incredibly entitled manoeuvre on your part.



#12 Procrastinator5000

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:40 AM

I know a couple who wrote a letter very much like this to her mother.

She was really offended but in the end, after much water under the bridge, they all have an excellent relationship.

The problem is, she couldn't see things from their side, even after the letter. She thought they were being selfish and excluding her. They couldn't see things from her side. They thought she was being immature and dramatic.

Her feelings and pain were very real though. I think a PP is right that you need to acknowledge and respect that.

It's hard when none of us really understand the extent of her personality and drama though, you're the ones that have to live with it!

#13 PattiODoors

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:42 AM

QUOTE (Jemstar @ 02/02/2013, 12:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If I received a letter like that I'd tell you to **** off.

I can't imagine why she would have been upset about you getting married with 6 days notice and being unable to be there...


Absolutely this.

As for not attending your wedding with 6 days notice. I presume you were still living overseas by the wording of your post. Maybe she couldn't afford the airfare, hotel, new outfit, arrange time off work etc at the drop of a hat.

If you don't have a number for her then for goodness sake reword your letter to something along the lines of what pp has written.






#14 I'm Batman

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:47 AM

I think its a bit rough the way you have treated her allround.

Its very hard to build back up trust. Nothing you've written in that letter would suggest that you want have a working relationship or have forgiven her.

If you want to move, want to have boundaries try talking her like a normal person and move from there. If she does something that is not right remove yourself from the situation.

#15 Lifesgood

Posted 02 February 2013 - 11:49 AM

No way would I write a letter like that. You can't have a conditional relationship with her - you either accept her into your lives as she is or leave her out of it. From the sound of her I know which I would choose, but she is your family member so it is up to you and DH how badly you want her in your children's lives.

#16 Roobear

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:00 PM

Don't send it.

When we gave my MIL another chance. We sent around a bunch of flowers with a note saying "Let's put everything behind us and start again. Here's to a new beginning!" It went down well, we thought it would be the start of a better relationship but it only lasted 2 weeks before she started to meddle again, manipulate, be attention seeking and dramatic blah blah blah

Whatever. She is never going to change, at least I know I have tried and then tried again with her. We do still see her but only at 'big' events like we had them over on xmas eve and they came around to see DD for her birthday.

#17 *lightning

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:11 PM

Dear MIL

We would like to invite you to meet your grandchildren. We would like to start fresh and forget about what has happened in the past.

Give us a call and we can arrange a time to catch up.

From ......

If she calls you can talk to her about setting boundaries and how great it would be for her have a relationship with her grandchildren.

#18 Tree Sage

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:16 PM

I think this is an incredibly rude and selfish letter.
it doesnt matter what you did, or what she did, or any real or imagined slights from either side.
bottom line, your children deserve the right to have a relationship with their grandmother and for the adults in their lives to act like adults and put differences aside for the sake of the children.

So you MIL in immature. so what?
You know what she is. Accept it and move on.
people are not perfect and everyone has their faults. So long as there is no detreiment to your husband and yourself's relationship or the relationship with your children then really what is the problem with putting up with a pain in the bum MIL with a personality you dont like for the sake of your kids?

I will never understand how people can stop children knowing their family because of personality clashes. the only stipulations you need to make are that you all be respectful of each other and be happy and nice for the children's benefit.

#19 riva99

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:16 PM

Putting things like this in writing can be a really bad idea. If you must open the lines of communication this way keep it very, very brief. Any rules or stipulations can come after contact is renewed, not by a list of demands but by your actions.

Only you know your history. If she is an immature, irresponsible, drama queen do you really think she will change. Are you just setting yourselves, your kids and you MIL up for heart brake? You can't force her to be someone she isn't. You have to decide what kind of relationship to accept. Full contact, limited contact? Having a terrible parent/grandparent isn't always better than none at all.

Sometimes, it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

p.s. My husband and I eloped. His parents were sad but relieved we weren't "living in sin" anymore. My parents were delighted for me. I am their only daughter. So even if people are upset or disappointed by you choices doesn't give them the right to behave badly.

#20 Peppery

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:18 PM

Since you are the one initiating contact I think it is rude to set conditions. If I received that letter it would go straight in the bin.

If you are genuine about rebuilding a relationship leave out the conditions.

From a basic outsiders perspective, sounds like you are all better off not in each others lives.

#21 Yomumma

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:18 PM

QUOTE (happening @ 02/02/2013, 12:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's a rude, arrogant and incredibly entitled manoeuvre on your part.


Have to agree with this. There is quite a patronising, entitled tone to your letter. You won't get a healthy relationship with her starting like that!

#22 TheWanderer

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:25 PM

edited... maybe a little harsh given the extra detail but still don't think it will result in a constructive outcome

Edited by TheWanderer, 02 February 2013 - 12:50 PM.


#23 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:28 PM

Deleted

Edited by sne, 16 November 2015 - 03:36 PM.


#24 Dresden

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:35 PM

How old was the sister at time of alleged assault? It's a bit unfair to continue to punish the sister if she was a child herself at the time and compelled to lodge a complaint by her mother.

#25 sne

Posted 02 February 2013 - 12:39 PM

Deleted

Edited by sne, 16 November 2015 - 03:37 PM.





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.