Jump to content

9 yo not 'fitting in'
Any advice?


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Mummy Again2

Posted 01 February 2013 - 12:36 AM

Hi,My 9 year old is really struggling socially with his age group at school.  He moved schools almost 2 years ago  ( we moved countries) and has just never settled with a good group of friends, he's generally a smart, social kid so I never expected him to have trouble making friends, but the last month or two of school last year he was really getting down about it and he's not looking forward to starting back at school this year, so I want to sit with him and work out a plan for how to approach this year differently, but really I'm not sure what he/we should do.
One thing is that in his year there is a group of about 10 boys ( there's about 20 boys total in his year), there are all smart, sporty and popular and he wants really badly to be part of this group, but they just haven't accepted him, we've invited them all for playdates and they seemed to have gone well, but he has never been invited back to theirs in return and they never want him to play with them in school, so in my mind he should forget about them and find some other friends.  The other thing with the popular kids is that their parents also all socialise together, like every friday and Saturday night, and like a lot of alcohol, they are all very close and go away for weekends together and things, so I guess it's a tough group to crack.
So that was the plan all of last year that we would work on friendships with other kids instead, we have been seeing them socially, also socialising with the parents and they all seem to play together well, but then in school they all have their groups and he never seems to be included in them.  There is one boy who is a sweet boy, not really popular or socially aware, and my son has been hanging out with him quite a bit, I'm encouraging that friendship and they've had some playdates over the holidays.  But DS is just so aware, and tells me things like 'My only friend is XX and he will be friend with anyone, so while I think that it's good to have a reliable friend he can count on, it seems that the friendship is not helping his self esteem at all.  There has been some bullying as well, but to me seems that it's the friendship situation which is getting to him. And the bullying is a symptom rather than the cause of the issues (he gets bullied by some of the other kids, not he's bullying).
We discussed it with his teacher last year and I was quite annoyed that she seemed unable to offer any advise, she couldn't tell us why he didn't have friends or suggest any kids who would make good friends for him.  I feel that she's the one who sees him interacting with his peers in the school environment, so she should be able to help identify the issue.  She did indicate that he is more socailly aware than most kids his age and this may mean that he's more sensitive to any issues.
I feel that he is a bit bossy with his peers and will not accept others telling him what to do, so that's one thing that I'm trying to get him to work on.  It's interesting that he often plays at lunch with older kids (2 years older) also with his younger brother and his friends (who are two years younger) and seems to get on very well with both, but I don't really encourage those friendships as I think it's most important to get along with his classmates.
I'm not sure that anyone will have any real advise, probably the answer is 'it's just part of being a kid' but it's so hard having him come home in tears because he feels so left out and alone, and as his Mum you want to fix every problem for him,
If anyone has any ideas or tips would be great,
Mb

#2 envs

Posted 01 February 2013 - 12:54 AM

Does he do any out of school activities? If he has friend's out fo school, he won't be so downtrodden about not having so many school friend's....also, some of the school kids he may want to be friends with may also do those activities and that will be another avenue for him to connect with them.

I remember from school days, that a lot of the kids that hung around together, actually didn't socialize out of hours, and that a lot of the kids were better friends outside of school, and only spoke to each other briefly at school. It was odd, but that was the dynamics.

It must be so hard. My ds is much younger, so not yet in your boat, but I can sympathize...he seems very popular, all the parents know him, and kids keep asking him to be invited, but he never gets invited by the parents....and he keeps asking why and getting down about it. We just tell him they might be busy, and occupy him with our own fun activities

ETA: sorry about autocorrect

Edited by envs, 01 February 2013 - 12:56 AM.


#3 Mummy Again2

Posted 01 February 2013 - 01:09 AM

He has been doing 'after school care' which has some kids from his year, and funny that some kids who play well with him there will not play with him at school lunch.  Just as often though he will be playing with his brother.  
He does some sports, tennis, teeball and taekwondo, but not really any kids from his year doing any of those, the 'popular' kids all do football and cricket but he's not been interestd in doing either of those.  I was thinking of boy scouts, but they have a long wait list here, like a year, so it wouldn't change anything in the short term. We might be able to fe him into a group further away but then there wouldn't be anyone from his class at all.Mb


#4 mumto3princesses

Posted 01 February 2013 - 06:43 AM

That's a huge group of kids! Our school wouldn't let a group like that exclude anyone.

I would make an appointment to speak to the teacher. Is he in a class this year with some of the other kids? Sometimes that can help especially if they get grouped together for anything during class or sit near each other. When DD#1 was younger her teacher helped by sitting her near a couple of girls in her class and she gave me some names of girls she thought DD#1 night get along well with.

I was going to suggest after school activities as that usually helps with self esteme even if there are no friends from school there. It helped my DD#1 when she was younger.

We don't do playdates after school as we are too busy between after school activities for all 3  and homework.

#5 Coffeegirl

Posted 01 February 2013 - 07:09 AM

A couple things have stood out here,

1). You say he can be a bit bossy.  This can be an issue to break into a long term group.  The group dynamics are already there, if your DS is trying to walk in and change things suddenly, then the other kids will back away from him.  He'd be better to sit back and watch how the group works and learn to add his opinion once he has 'broken in'
2) afterschool activities can be good to meet kids who aren't necessarily in his school.  If he has good friends out of school that he can relate with, then he will be more confident during school.  
3) get him to work more on the friends that he has at ASC. Get them over for playdates.  When the other parent picks the child up, mention how well they get along.  If you feel comfortable enough with the other mum, maybe mention that your DS is struggling with forming friendships and you would appreciate it if she could reciprocate the play date (as long as the other child wants your DS to come over!)


The above are just my observations from my 12 yo DD and 9yo DS.    DS did have a year of so where he flitted between friends.  He now has 2-3 close friends and a wider group that splits and fractures and then joins again.   It's a fluid thing.   Boys don't seem to create the deeper friendships that girls do as early.   DD has 2 good friends and a wide group of other girls that has been pretty stable since Kindy, but DS' friendships are changing all the time.  It seems to be based more on who is in his actual class each year.

Edited by Coffeegirl, 01 February 2013 - 07:10 AM.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

I'll admit it: I have last child parenting fatigue

If you're a new mum and feeling ignored by the older mum/the old hand/the has-been, please know, it's not you, it's me. Blame the last child parenting fatigue.

Exhaustion is not the same as tiredness

Having a new baby isn't tiring - it can be downright exhausting.

Five posterior babies, four home births

I was on a high. I'd done it all by myself with no help from anyone.

Mum's list of birthday gift demands goes viral

We're big fans of kids' birthday parties - but this is one bash we're glad we didn't get an invite to.

Kate Middleton to receive 'loyalty discount' for second birth

Everybody loves a bargain - including the Duchess of Cambridge.

Fish & chip shop owner's sad note goes viral

A lengthy note put on the window of a fish & chip shop has gone viral due to the writer's serious doubts about the romance of travel.

Pregnant women need good nutrition advice, not judgment

Pregnant women are under pressure to do all the "right things" to have a healthy child. It results in women feeling judged about their decisions.

When your child wants you to have another baby

Giving your child a sibling when you don't want to have another baby can be a complex issue.

William Tyrrell's mum speaks out: 'We hope he is still alive'

The mother of missing toddler William Tyrrell says she has a vision that somebody "picked him up and moved him on ... that's the only way ... to explain for him not to be there".

Family comes first for 23-year-old Tommy Connolly

Most 23-year-old blokes spend their hard earned cash on fun times with mates or romantic dinners with their girlfriend, but not Tommy Connolly.

Newborn all-girl quintuplets 'doing great'

The first all-female quintuplets born in the United States were delivered last week, at 28 weeks and two days.

Model mum's big baby silences critics

He may be less than a week old, but baby James Hunter has already helped his model mum silence her critics.

Jammy, Hula Hoop, Rage: Reddit reveals most unusual baby names

A recent Reddit thread has revealed some of the more creative names in the world.

Woman awakens from coma, learns she gave birth

A US woman awakened this week from a four-month-long coma that doctors had feared would be permanent and learned that she had given birth to a baby boy, according to her family.

'Give us a break': mum sent shocking letter over Facebook baby pics

Posting a lot of baby photos doesn't make you a bad person. It may make your Facebook feed a little irritating, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

In defense of the dads who do so much

It's time to shift the focus off what dads aren’t doing and shine it on what they are.

The modern cloth nappies too cute to cover up

If you're only just joining the modern cloth nappy movement, or would like to spruce up your collection, we have to introduce you to Designer Bums.

How breastfeeding can affect your libido

When you’ve just had a baby, having sex isn’t usually top priority. In fact, for a lot of women it rates about as appealing as changing another dirty nappy.

Should pregnant women be allowed to use 'parent and child' car parking spots?

Is it acceptable to use these car parking spots when pregnant? How many of us would admit to doing it?

Healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man died

Fertility doctors have described their "most extraordinary case" - creating a healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man had died.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Childcare is a big problem, but there's more to it

Let’s keep talking about these issues and not allow them to be put into a neat little box that’s labelled ‘Fix childcare and everything is solved’.

Pink's awesome response to body-shaming trolls

When trolls felt the need to comment on 35-year-old singer-songwriter Pink's weight, her answer was an awesome ode to body love.

Fertility clinic offers egg donors $5000

A national chain of fertility clinics is offering egg donors a $5000 payment to cover their expenses, a first for Australia which is raising concerns the money could act as an inducement.

Baby boy abandoned in India amid fresh surrogacy concerns

Australian officials could do nothing to stop an Australian couple from abandoning their baby son, born through surrogacy in India, after they decided they did not want to bring him to Australia.

Herd immunity and community responsibility: how free-riders can make kids suffer

Individual choice works for haircuts and handbags, but not for preventing infectious diseases that kill kids.

Photographer captures 'unexpected beauty' of birth

If there is one thing Leilani Rogers knows about childbirth, it is that no two deliveries are ever the same.

Expectations vs the reality of making a toddler's clothes

Note to self: less sewing, more life. Not the party dress, but the party. The toddler, as usual, has it all figured out.

Mum meets 'dead' daughter 49 years after birth

In 1965, Zella Jackson-Price was told her premature baby girl had died shortly after birth.

How pregnancy probiotics can help you and your baby

New research suggests that taking specific pregnancy probiotics could be the answer to a range of common pregnancy side effects.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

 

ENTER NOW!

Win a year's worth of toys

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby for just the month of April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.