Jump to content

9 yo not 'fitting in'
Any advice?


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Mummy Again2

Posted 01 February 2013 - 12:36 AM

Hi,My 9 year old is really struggling socially with his age group at school.  He moved schools almost 2 years ago  ( we moved countries) and has just never settled with a good group of friends, he's generally a smart, social kid so I never expected him to have trouble making friends, but the last month or two of school last year he was really getting down about it and he's not looking forward to starting back at school this year, so I want to sit with him and work out a plan for how to approach this year differently, but really I'm not sure what he/we should do.
One thing is that in his year there is a group of about 10 boys ( there's about 20 boys total in his year), there are all smart, sporty and popular and he wants really badly to be part of this group, but they just haven't accepted him, we've invited them all for playdates and they seemed to have gone well, but he has never been invited back to theirs in return and they never want him to play with them in school, so in my mind he should forget about them and find some other friends.  The other thing with the popular kids is that their parents also all socialise together, like every friday and Saturday night, and like a lot of alcohol, they are all very close and go away for weekends together and things, so I guess it's a tough group to crack.
So that was the plan all of last year that we would work on friendships with other kids instead, we have been seeing them socially, also socialising with the parents and they all seem to play together well, but then in school they all have their groups and he never seems to be included in them.  There is one boy who is a sweet boy, not really popular or socially aware, and my son has been hanging out with him quite a bit, I'm encouraging that friendship and they've had some playdates over the holidays.  But DS is just so aware, and tells me things like 'My only friend is XX and he will be friend with anyone, so while I think that it's good to have a reliable friend he can count on, it seems that the friendship is not helping his self esteem at all.  There has been some bullying as well, but to me seems that it's the friendship situation which is getting to him. And the bullying is a symptom rather than the cause of the issues (he gets bullied by some of the other kids, not he's bullying).
We discussed it with his teacher last year and I was quite annoyed that she seemed unable to offer any advise, she couldn't tell us why he didn't have friends or suggest any kids who would make good friends for him.  I feel that she's the one who sees him interacting with his peers in the school environment, so she should be able to help identify the issue.  She did indicate that he is more socailly aware than most kids his age and this may mean that he's more sensitive to any issues.
I feel that he is a bit bossy with his peers and will not accept others telling him what to do, so that's one thing that I'm trying to get him to work on.  It's interesting that he often plays at lunch with older kids (2 years older) also with his younger brother and his friends (who are two years younger) and seems to get on very well with both, but I don't really encourage those friendships as I think it's most important to get along with his classmates.
I'm not sure that anyone will have any real advise, probably the answer is 'it's just part of being a kid' but it's so hard having him come home in tears because he feels so left out and alone, and as his Mum you want to fix every problem for him,
If anyone has any ideas or tips would be great,
Mb

#2 envs

Posted 01 February 2013 - 12:54 AM

Does he do any out of school activities? If he has friend's out fo school, he won't be so downtrodden about not having so many school friend's....also, some of the school kids he may want to be friends with may also do those activities and that will be another avenue for him to connect with them.

I remember from school days, that a lot of the kids that hung around together, actually didn't socialize out of hours, and that a lot of the kids were better friends outside of school, and only spoke to each other briefly at school. It was odd, but that was the dynamics.

It must be so hard. My ds is much younger, so not yet in your boat, but I can sympathize...he seems very popular, all the parents know him, and kids keep asking him to be invited, but he never gets invited by the parents....and he keeps asking why and getting down about it. We just tell him they might be busy, and occupy him with our own fun activities

ETA: sorry about autocorrect

Edited by envs, 01 February 2013 - 12:56 AM.


#3 Mummy Again2

Posted 01 February 2013 - 01:09 AM

He has been doing 'after school care' which has some kids from his year, and funny that some kids who play well with him there will not play with him at school lunch.  Just as often though he will be playing with his brother.  
He does some sports, tennis, teeball and taekwondo, but not really any kids from his year doing any of those, the 'popular' kids all do football and cricket but he's not been interestd in doing either of those.  I was thinking of boy scouts, but they have a long wait list here, like a year, so it wouldn't change anything in the short term. We might be able to fe him into a group further away but then there wouldn't be anyone from his class at all.Mb


#4 mumto3princesses

Posted 01 February 2013 - 06:43 AM

That's a huge group of kids! Our school wouldn't let a group like that exclude anyone.

I would make an appointment to speak to the teacher. Is he in a class this year with some of the other kids? Sometimes that can help especially if they get grouped together for anything during class or sit near each other. When DD#1 was younger her teacher helped by sitting her near a couple of girls in her class and she gave me some names of girls she thought DD#1 night get along well with.

I was going to suggest after school activities as that usually helps with self esteme even if there are no friends from school there. It helped my DD#1 when she was younger.

We don't do playdates after school as we are too busy between after school activities for all 3  and homework.

#5 Coffeegirl

Posted 01 February 2013 - 07:09 AM

A couple things have stood out here,

1). You say he can be a bit bossy.  This can be an issue to break into a long term group.  The group dynamics are already there, if your DS is trying to walk in and change things suddenly, then the other kids will back away from him.  He'd be better to sit back and watch how the group works and learn to add his opinion once he has 'broken in'
2) afterschool activities can be good to meet kids who aren't necessarily in his school.  If he has good friends out of school that he can relate with, then he will be more confident during school.  
3) get him to work more on the friends that he has at ASC. Get them over for playdates.  When the other parent picks the child up, mention how well they get along.  If you feel comfortable enough with the other mum, maybe mention that your DS is struggling with forming friendships and you would appreciate it if she could reciprocate the play date (as long as the other child wants your DS to come over!)


The above are just my observations from my 12 yo DD and 9yo DS.    DS did have a year of so where he flitted between friends.  He now has 2-3 close friends and a wider group that splits and fractures and then joins again.   It's a fluid thing.   Boys don't seem to create the deeper friendships that girls do as early.   DD has 2 good friends and a wide group of other girls that has been pretty stable since Kindy, but DS' friendships are changing all the time.  It seems to be based more on who is in his actual class each year.

Edited by Coffeegirl, 01 February 2013 - 07:10 AM.





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

11 things that will happen when you're breastfeeding

After having three children and various degrees of success feeding them all, there's one thing I can tell you: virtually nothing will go as planned.

Surgery for baby born with a tail

A baby born with a tail has had it removed after doctors feared the birth defect might cause long term damage to his lower body.

When 'skin to skin' becomes a family affair

An adorable photo of a little boy and his dad enjoying skin to skin contact with newborn twins is melting hearts everywhere.

35 hilariously weird 'top tips'

Who would have thunk it? We never knew there were so many uses for feminine hygiene products. 

Pregnancy skin woes: acne, dry skin, itchy skin

Here are some of the most common skin complaints in pregnancy and how to tackle them, face on.

Watch this fun dance class for babywearing dads

Is there anything sexier than a babywearing dad?

Parents, this is how to cut grapes to avoid choking

One mum has learnt a harrowing lesson about the best way to cut grapes to make it safe for toddlers and little kids to eat.

When your kids have totally different temperaments

Sometimes it has felt like whiplash parenting. She perches watchfully while I vacuum; he tries to climb on and go for a ride.

How do our stress levels influence our baby?

Since having my second baby a number of people have commented on how placid, content and settled he is and, similarly, many have commented on how this is a reflection of how I am with him.

Separation anxiety isn't just for kids

Despite its prevalence, most doctors tend to be reluctant to diagnose adult patients with separation anxiety.

A charm bracelet, a boy, and my beliefs questioned

I was staring at the face of my son, realising that my once steadfast decision to be open minded was quickly unravelling at the seams.

Why I'm so grateful for Hayden Panettiere's PND honesty

There are baby steps and giant leaps forward. But there are steps backwards, too. And, oh, how they can hurt your heart.

The heartbreaking story of little Moko

The mother of 3-year-old Moko Rangitoheriri said she should have picked up on the signs. {Warning: distressing content}

Kate Beckinsale and teen daughter recreate birth photo

Kate Beckinsale has recreated her daughter Lily's birth photo, 17 years after she was born.

The adult-size stroller you'll want to test drive

It's one of the biggest baby related purchases they will make, so it makes sense that parents-to-be get a chance to road test a stroller.

Pregnancy announcement shows the reality of IVF

It's a long way from baby booties or bump shots people have become accustomed to in social media pregnancy announcements.  

Soleil Moon Frye welcomes fourth baby

"Punky Brewster" is a mom again, for the fourth time. Soleil Moon Frye announced the birth of her baby boy, Story, on Instagram Wednesday.

Mum breastfeeds baby found abandoned on the street

A woman has been praised as a "beautiful mother" after breastfeeding a baby which had been abandoned at the side of a street. 

A birth with a difference: the 'natural caesarean'

We've shared stories of gentle caesareans before, but a new video shows a new option called a 'natural caesarean'.

Baby name inspiration by music genre

If you're all about the music, then you'll need a musical name for that baby. We've got all the lists for you by music genre.

Giving effective instructions to toddlers

One of the most common errors made by parents is in how they give instructions to their children.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

Vintage Toys

The toys of your childhood

Take a trip down memory lane with these vinage and retro toys that you may have had in your childhood or your parent's childhood.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.