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How to help my sister

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#1 Brownie22

Posted 31 January 2013 - 11:02 AM


My sister is going through IVF. She has had 3 stim cycles. Her second resulted in a BFP but it was a blighted ovum. There were no frosties from that cycle.

She just had her 3rd stim cycle. They got 8 but not one fertilized. She just called me in tears. They don't know why it happened because all looked good.

Has this happened to any of you?

I don't know what to say to her. My thought is that maybe she should change clinics but she prefers to stay because they know her.

I also think maybe she should take a break. She is 34 so I think she does have a bit of time.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do? Do you think changing clinics is a good idea - should I encourage her to do that? Or should I not offer any advice and just listen?


Edited by Brownie22, 31 January 2013 - 11:13 AM.

#2 Bwok~Bwok

Posted 31 January 2013 - 11:14 AM

Can you direct her here so she can chat to other women in the same position?

#3 dimensionk

Posted 31 January 2013 - 11:18 AM

I think changing clinics is a good suggestion. No guarantees it will help of course, but it does seem to turn a lot of people's luck around (refer to 'Advice or regrets for newbies' thread), so worth a shot. Simply changing to a new fertility specialist might be just as good. Regarding none of them fertilising, they can try ICSI next time (if not already?). This is what we used, where they inject the sperm directly into the egg. If they were using that anyway, then google... no eggs fertilised ...and read the first result. Changing clinics seems to have helped several people.

Edited by dimensionk, 31 January 2013 - 11:38 AM.

#4 kez71

Posted 31 January 2013 - 11:40 AM

how awful for your sister to get none fertilize. At this stage I wouldn't want to change clinics because then youd have to start over with someone not knowing what youve already tried.
If I were in your shoes, I think just listening would be more helpful than telling her to try this and that. As someone who tried for 7 years to have a baby, I really didn't appreciate people telling me what to do. I knew they meant well, but Id done more research on the subject than they could ever know, so I hated it when they would tell me to try this or that as if I was an idiot who knew nothing.
Being infertile does make you a bit more sensitive about stuff. I found that anyway. So my advice is to not give advice unless she asks for it. Just listen and sympathise.

#5 EloiseIVF

Posted 31 January 2013 - 12:20 PM

That is very upsetting, but sadly it happens a lot around here. I did five stim cycles last year and only ever got to transfer once (and BFN). On the face of it I tend to agree with Kez on transferring clinics, because it seems too early to do that. I also agree with dimensionk that sometimes a change is the answer, but at this stage I just think its a bit premature (unless there is some particular issue with the clinic that we're not privy to). The best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing: be there, listen and care for her. Bwok-Bwok is right: direct her here. There are bound to be ladies here whose stories are very similar and who might be able to help her to think through the best course of action. It seems to me that no other group of "patients" on the planet know as much about their treatment options as IVFers; and while we are not fertility doctors, many of us play very active roles in researching our options and contributing to the decision making around our protocols. At the very least, we undertand all too well what she's feeling right now and are always happy to help shoulder the burden.

#6 HRH Countrymel

Posted 31 January 2013 - 12:36 PM

There isn't anything you can do alas....   it is great that she can cry with you though!  

My sister and I don't have that kind of relationship so I have kept my IVF drama to myself and (THANK YOU SO MUCH!!) EB!

I was only talking with my GP last week about how I was on 'an online support group' and she was thrilled.. "IVF is not a journey you can do alone." were her words.

Like PPs have said - you don't need to offer any advice, and I have to say advice from 'outsiders' (outside IVF) can really rub you up the wrong way on the wrong day as it is usually overly optimistic or complete;y irrelevant to your situation..... just listen.

#7 MrsLexiK

Posted 31 January 2013 - 12:43 PM

Hi OP,

I am a privatish person in real life, and whilst I will talk about the issues I had and what my dr had said and what he recommended that was about it.  If I had called my sister up in tears I would want her to just listen to me.  I think def point her in the direction of a support forum.  If you have been through it before then I would offer more advice about perhaps looking at changing etc but if my sister offered advice about something with my issues and my emontions where already all over the place I would most probably take it the wrong way and it is probably something that I have not been told by others heaps before.    

Good luck to your sister

#8 Brownie22

Posted 31 January 2013 - 12:59 PM

Thanks so much ladies. It appears the consensus is to keep my opinions to myself! If you knew me you'd know that is not easy but I'll do my best.

She is part of a facebook group so she gets support that way but I wanted to know what I can do  as someone who has not been through IVF.

Thanks again.

I wish you all the very best on your journeys.

#9 Bwok~Bwok

Posted 31 January 2013 - 02:40 PM

Thanks so much ladies. It appears the consensus is to keep my opinions to myself! If you knew me you'd know that is not easy but I'll do my best

Opinions yes, keep them to yourself (unless you have been there IYKWIM) - but don't be afraid to ask questions either. But don't question her decisions either! What might seem strange to you, doesn't necessarily mean it is to her.

GL to your sister and have that shoulder ready for her. original.gif

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