Jump to content

Problem with parent and obligation.


  • Please log in to reply
21 replies to this topic

#1 anonstar

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:01 AM

Hi,

I am a regular user but have gone anon for this because it is kind of unique to my situation. I would appreciate replies for advice and am hoping I have put this in the right spot.  

Since last year my family have been running a business that keeps us constantly on our feet and running around like headless chooks until the late evening. I work full time at my office job and then take the hour and 20 minute commute to my family’s business in the evenings. This has been going on since the business opened mostly due to my parents being a very unorganised couple and me being super organised I just kind of took it on when they were ready to open to try to help them get on their feet. This just continued on and I was pretty much there 7 days a week going from my job to their business every night and being there all weekend.

Well, I am currently 22 weeks Pregnant and I am struggling. When I first fell pg and with the constant tiredness I cut back my time at the family’s business to only 1 day on the weekend (full day and evening) and 3-4 nights after my work.

I am now over half way into my pregnancy and am finding I am struggling even more with working there now but my mother just doesn’t seem to get it. I am tired all the time and grumpy and really just not enjoying my pregnancy at all but the feeling of obligation and then the guilt my mother puts on me keeps me going back there.

My father is kind of stuck as he knows how much they need me but also knows I am getting over it. My mum is quite demanding and a tad controlling and so for him he tries to leave it to us to sort out.



I have tried to approach the issue of when I will finish up but I always get silly responses like 'When I was pregnant I worked right up to when I had my kids'. When I tried to point out that she was only working 1 job not 2 (like me) and that hers was a nice office job, she just dismissed what I was saying. She then started on about how some women in other countries work labourous (sp?) jobs and stop to give birth and then go back to work not long after.....

The work at this business is very strenuous and hard, I am running around from the minute I get there until the time I get in the car to go home and on the weekend day that I work it’s the same from 10am to 9.30pm.

So, I am sure by this point you are probably wondering why I do this, my sibling who doesn't help out very much at all has asked many times. Its obligation, and knowing without me they will struggle, I feel this incredible guilt all the time and I cannot explain why. I just feel so bad for them, they opened this business in their 50’s and really didn’t fully understand just how physically demanding it was going to be and how much of their time would need to be devoted to the business



I am finding that my husband is getting increasingly frustrated because he is so thrilled about this baby and just wants me to enjoy being pregnant and to not be so tired and grumpy all the time. I also hardly see him. He also gets mad that after all the help he thinks they should be the ones to say stop working here now.

I know if I go to my mother, instead of her saying ok start to wind up you have been a wonderful help it will be well look what you are doing, leaving me in the lurch to do this all on my own. What am I going to do now.

I am sorry to be so long winded, I think I needed to get this out and vent mostly because I cannot tell my Husband everything that goes on and I obviously cannot talk to my parents. All my friends say bugger it, just tell her you don’t want to work there anymore but I just can’t get the words out to her. Is there anyone out there in their pregnancy that worked on their feet so much with so much running around and when did you feel like you couldn’t do it anymore? Also, how does one move past the family obligation and the fear that without you they will struggle, I do love my parents very much and want to do all I can for them but I need to find a way to stop all this extra work, I am tired and grumpy and my body is sore all the time.





#2 Ice Queen

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:13 AM

No advice on the family situation.  But my own story.  I owned my own cafe when I got pregnant with DD, the pregnancy happened WAY quicker than we thought it would so I was 3 weeks away from my due date on the biggest festival of the year in the area I owned the cafe.  

So there I was at 8mo preggers......working these insanely long days on the busiest days we had ever had.  On the busiest day of them all (there was a street parade), I was coordinating a stall to be set up, I was literally having heart permutations I was so stressed screaming at my DH to set up the stall, I carried a heavy coffee grinder, dropped it on my toe nearly breaking it, the vege man turned up with 5 bags of lettuce not 5kgs of lettuce, I was standing in the back staring at this freakin lettuce just doing circles going 'F£€K, F$&K', driving like a maniac to the supermarket and begging them for all the lettuce they had in their back room.  This was all BEFORE spending 8 hours making coffee for a neverending line of customers.  

That night we had dinner at the pub with some friends.  I was having braxton hicks and I said that if I went into labour I would have to have a casear as I had no energy to push. I then hardly slept as my BH were so bad.  

So sympathy, I know how you feel.  I remember mopping floors at the end of 12hr days so tired I was using the mop to hold myself up.  

You need to cut loose, you cant do what you are doing with a newborn so better to do it now than later.

#3 mmuc83

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:14 AM

Firstly, your obligation is to yourself and your baby.. what if soemthing happened to you whilst you were working this "strenuous" job?  Would you ever forgive yourself??  More still, would your husband forgive you for working yourself into the ground for a business that is not yours, out of obligation which has ultimately cost you a possible child and put the extra strain on your relationship with your husbad?

I know its worse case scenario - but something you need to think about.

Your parents aren't young or naive - they entered into this business.. not you!

I'm not saying don't help but but they need to manage appropriately - could they hire someone to do the work that you do?

Ultimately - you need to put yourself first and your baby - the rest they just have to deal with it.  Your dad needs to pull his head out of the sand and reign in your mum who keeps putting pressure on you rather than just leaving it to the two of you to sort it out!

I'm talking from experience as i was in a similar position to you - the relationship will survive you not helping out as much - whether the business survives who knows.  If it doesn't then it's not your fault - it is the fault of your parents' lack of forsight and contingency planning.

Good luck! It should be such a happy time!!!

#4 belindarama

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:15 AM

I think it is lovely that you are trying to help them but realistically they must be aware that it has an expiry date.

I think you need to sit down and come up with a transition plan for them. Work out what you are covering for them and make a list of what they need to learn or what skills they need to take over.

Then make a plan to get that to happen and put an end date in place. Maybe write a list of the jobs and match up with skills required. If they have those skills great, if not then work out how to get them capable of doing it themselves. Then tackle them one at a time over the next month or so. Each time you go in get one of them to shadow what you are doing so they know how it is done and what is required.

Maybe give them some checklists if you have certain jobs you do each day/week.

When you sit down with them put it to them as a transition plan, rather than saying ok, I'm off, good luck. This way they have time to get used to the idea and feel that they are capable of taking over the aspects of the business you are taking care of rather than giving your mum an opportunity to be nasty about it.

#5 FeralZombieMum

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:29 AM

QUOTE (anonstar @ 30/01/2013, 12:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have tried to approach the issue of when I will finish up but I always get silly responses like 'When I was pregnant I worked right up to when I had my kids'. When I tried to point out that she was only working 1 job not 2 (like me) and that hers was a nice office job, she just dismissed what I was saying. She then started on about how some women in other countries work labourous (sp?) jobs and stop to give birth and then go back to work not long after.....

This would really get to me, and would make me determined to stop helping them out.

Just tell them:
"I've been told I'm doing too much and I need to start taking it easy and put my feet up more. My blood pressure is a little bit high and I don't want to risk developing pre-eclampsia, so I won't be able to come over any more and help you guys out."

You need to put a stop to it immediately - this way they will hopefully take you seriously, and it also means you aren't around to hear your mum's BS and guilt tripping.

ps. They don't have to know who told you. wink.gif

#6 beaglebaby

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:34 AM

As the PP have said, at some point this has to stop, you can't go on like this.  Even if you force yourself to keep going while you are pregnant, and if you manage to get to term, what are you going to do with a newborn?

You need to put yourself and your baby - your parents grandchild, first.

I pushed myself at work in my first pregnancy, I had 10years experience, was the top of my field and thought I was indispensable.  I started to develop high blood pressure and when I told my employer I needed to slow down there was more pressure.  I developed Bells Palsy, that stopped me working as I couldn't see clients like that, but the manager still put pressure on me to work.  Luckily for me my GP put his foot down hard and made me stop.  Turns out I wasn't indispensable either, there's always someone who can do your job.  In your case it may mean your parents have to employ someone, but that is a business cost they'll have to wear, better that than the health of their daughter or grandchild.

You have to say No.

#7 causeway

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:40 AM

I'm with Zombie Mum, pick a date and say that you'll be finishing up then. If your Mum goes on about women giving birth in the fields etc. just put your foot down and say 'this is the date I'm finishing'. Discussion over!

#8 Amy 1976

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:41 AM

Perhaps you could give them notice in the same way that you would resign from a job.

Give them a letter saying that you've been delighted to be able to assist them so far but given your changing circumstances, you're now going to bow out and concentrate on your full time job and your family obligations to your husband and unborn child.

If you give them a couple of weeks notice, they will have some time to make other arrangements if they need to.

You already know that you need to cut back so all you need to do is work up the courage to let your parents know.

Let us know how you go.



#9 qak

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:41 AM

As per PPs, you need to sort this out for your & your child's health. What you are doing would exhaust most people and is not sustainable while you are so pregnant or with a young child.  They will have to take responsibility for their own business now.

#10 -Belinda-

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:42 AM


Their business and their responsibilty. Give them notice your notice and stick to it. Tell them it is on doctors orders if you need to.

#11 countrylivingmum

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:42 AM

You need to stop now. I know it's hard but just do as pp said and tell them the doc said you have high blood pressure or something and you can no longer do the job.
Also what happens when the baby comes do they still expect there? I would be nipping this in the bud ASAP

#12 Peanut

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:43 AM

I feel for you, its not a great position to be in.  sad.gif

I think you may have to search for a replacement to put into your job.  Its not easy in a family run company, I know, but its the only way to keep their business running and get you the break you obviously need.  

You probably will still cop flak from your Mum, but once the baby comes then hopefully this will smooth things over a bit.

Good luck!

#13 Sassy Dingo

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:44 AM

Give them a date - say that you're finishing at 30 weeks (or whatever you think you can manage) and then help them get up to speed on the tasks that they don't know how to do.

Put procedures in place now - write lists about how tasks are done, show your parents how to do whatever it is you're doing for them. If they can't do them, then get them to look into hiring someone.

I think you've been incredibly generous to commit every day of the week to helping them, especially when they seem so dismissive of the scale of the work you have been doing.

#14 haras1972

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:51 AM

I wasn’t pregnant, but I was trapped in working for my parents for about 3 years.

Briefly, my parents owned a newsagency, and I worked there part time throughout highschool etc. My grandmother died after a long illness, during which I worked more and more, and eventually my mother got depression and basically refused to work at their shop. To help the business and dad, I ended up working there full time for about 2 years, as in 4 am to 7pm, 6 days a week.

I do understand the feeling of being trapped – everytime I tried to summon the courage to say something, I ‘d look at my rapidly aging, exhausted dad and think how would he cope, and I couldn’t do it to him. My mother resented me taking over her role at the shop and any attempts to organise, she took personally – she didn’t want to work there but she didn’t want me to do any changes or usurp her.

It is so hard to walk away – I ended up going overseas for 2 years because I couldn’t think of any other way to get out – I couldn’t get time off to go to a job interview, or think about studying etc, so I gave them 6 months notice about my trip – right to the day I flew out, my mother really struggled, and tried to stop me, guilt me into staying etc – it was a brutal time for both of us, but it had to be done. Me being there, as opposed to a non family member employee, meant they weren’t facing realities, not working on their issues. I had become their crutch, and I was drowning in the pressure and loss of control of my own life.

You have to make the break – honestly, give them 4 weeks notice and walk away – entirely. It’s their decision to start that business, they need to work out their dynamics, and you helping is actually not helping.  Being 22 weeks pregnant, the end is nigh anyway – take charge!

I did an assertiveness course when I worked in Collections, and the best thing they taught me, is never explain or justify, when the action really matters to you – that gives the other party grounds to argue with you. Just say I am going to finish up on February 28, here’s what I need to hand over. You don’t need to explain why or ask permission, or justify – just state your position and stick to it.  


#15 FeralFerretOfDoom

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:56 AM

Agree with Zombie Mum - blame the doctor and say you've been told you have to cut back and start relaxing as there are some health issues that are being affected by all the work you are doing.

#16 Natttmumm

Posted 30 January 2013 - 11:57 AM

You need to put your baby first which means looking after you.

Pick a finishing date in a few weeks time and finish up

The rest will work out

#17 anonstar

Posted 30 January 2013 - 12:45 PM

Thanks all for your support, honestly I just went off on my lunch break and I come back and have so many words of encouragement. My husband has been telling me that same thing, pick a date and give them notice to actually hire and train the staff.
They just seem to have their head in the sand about it and there is a lot of denial. The type of business they are in I dont even enjoy... I do it for them.

In regards to working there after the baby is born, this is a whole other issue and one that I have worried about. I know at some stage I will finish up and I am really looking forward to my maternity leave... I have been working full time without more than a few weeks annual leave a year for over 10 years and to have a year off is going to be bliss and to be spending it with my baby. But.. it was just this past weekend I was saying to my sister that I was scared my mum would try and get me there on my leave and I dont want to do it.

Haras your situation does sound quite similar...for me as well a few years ago my mum had cancer and she took a long time to recover and it was a huge scare for all of us.
I think that is another reason why I keep working there as much as I do, she cannot work as hard as she used to and I know they went into the business blind to how much work they actually had to do.. thankfully the business is doing well for only 8 months old, I dont want to talk myself up but in all honesty I feel a lot of it is thanks to me and I am as well scared that after I go it wont do so well. You are all right though, they need to learn to manage without me and train up the staff.... oh finding the nerve to tell her and the courage to walk away from it all

#18 feralstreak

Posted 30 January 2013 - 01:24 PM

Big hugs for you OP, you sound like such a warmhearted and hardworking person!

Now is the time to take a step back. You and your baby are the top priority. Honestly, at this point in time, nothing is more important than this.

You need to go easy on yourself and wind down / quit your role in the business. Your mum is being very manipulative with her comparisons. It's not up to you to tide over any gaps and just because you theoretically could toil all day in the fields and then give birth does not mean it is advisable for you to do so!

Your parents either need to employ more staff or reassess the viability of their business if they can't afford to do that. I know that sounds harsh, but the business is not worth jeopardising your health over. Good luck!



#19 snortle

Posted 30 January 2013 - 01:34 PM

-

Edited by snortle, 20 May 2014 - 09:37 PM.


#20 icekool

Posted 30 January 2013 - 01:44 PM

I know you are pregnant but go hang around sick people and get a cold, n put yourself on bedrest.

Really, I am appalled that they still demand so much from you when u are carrying another life! That is sheer selfishness. Yes, I know it is your family but they should consider your condition.

If there is a problem, you are prolonging it by helping them out. If they want a business, they should learn how to run it. Maybe you could write out tasks and a business plan for them.


#21 adl

Posted 30 January 2013 - 01:45 PM

I agree with PP, you just need to quit, your baby and husband are the important thins, you need to look after and be with...

however one thing you should explore is why the guilt? Try and look objectively at the relationship you have with y,our mother and what you want to have as a relationship , perhaps some counseling and talking to an objective person may help you put it into perspective and give you some coping skills with your parents.
I don't advocate lying about a condition , rather well 2 jobs is too much, I am p.uttin my family first and my health ...no more explanation or justification required

Good luck and hope it works out for you

#22 steppy

Posted 30 January 2013 - 01:47 PM

I would be giving my mother a piece of my mind - like "some women don't start businesses they can't handle and then expect everyone else to suffer either".

Tell them there is this thing called an 'employee' that they can hire while you are busy being a mother.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reaction to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Empowering bikini photo of 46-year-old mum goes viral

When a group of teenagers made rude remarks about her body as she walked past them in a bikini at the local beach, Julie Cross refused to cover up.

Devastated widow discovers she's pregnant the day before husband's funeral

They had been trying to conceive a baby for seven years. Tragically Kristy Kirchner found out she was pregnant the day before her husband Royce's funeral.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Gabriella Goat sues Peppa Pig

Every toddler's favourite television pig is being sued by an Italian woman who shares a name with a Peppa Pig character.

Meet the Mpregs, the male pregnancy enthusiasts

"Men can't have babies - that's something only women can do! But our community is full of like-minded people who wish otherwise."

Your new motherhood survival kit

Forget about the bright, pretty baby things - while you're in survival mode, all you'll need are the essentials.

More than 100,000 cars recalled globally after death of pregnant woman

The announcement of a mass recall comes as Malaysian police investigate the death of pregnant woman in July.

I had a 'good baby' but still suffered from postnatal depression

I had a much wanted precious baby girl, a 'good baby' who slept well, self settled and was mostly content. It just seemed implausible to think I could succumb to depression.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Eating ice may give mental boost to the iron deficient: study

A new study proposes that, like a strong cup of coffee, ice may give those with insufficient iron a much-needed mental boost.

Tiny lives in caring hands: Thank U NICU Day

Each year in Australia, over 40,000 newborns need the help of a special care nursery or neonatal intensive care unit. One day a year, the staff are honoured by the parents they help through those dark days.

I paid $50,000 to have a girl

This time my husband and I hadn't taken any chances. We had paid $50,000 and travelled 13,000 kilometres to make sure the baby growing inside me was female.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you're doing.

A trace of sesame could kill my son

Helen Richardson son's had two anaphylactic reactions in a month. It's traumatic for everyone.

When you know before the test says yes

It wasn't a pregnancy test or missed period that told me I was pregnant with my second baby; it was too early for those things. A doner kebab told me I was going to be a mum again.

What not to do when your partner is in labour

Robbie Williams stole the show during his wife Ayda's labour, pretty much demonstrating everything on the "what not to do when your partner is in labour" list.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

Dad breastfeeds his babies

Trevor Macdonald has now been pregnant twice, and is successfully breastfeeding his newest family member.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.