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Son spending fundraising money
How would you handle it?


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#1 Incognito3

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:06 PM

Sorry long time user gone anon...
Our son is in Yr 11 this year and is in the support unit ( he has aspergers)
Late last year he came home with some fundraising chocolates to sell for a friends school event - not for the unit.
To cut a longer story short he spent the money and we've had a letter home from the school.
He would have known it was the wrong thing to do.
How would you handle it?

#2 Phasmatis angelam

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:09 PM

I would make him return the money plus a bit more, from his own pocket money or funds, along with a letter of apology.

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:11 PM

I would make him pay them back. If he has no income, then I would pay the money and I would then work out a hefty roster of work around the house to pay it off. I would also make him apologise to the school in writing for his actions. I would also make it abundantly clear that what he did was theft and/or fraud and he could be charged by the police.

#4 Ianthe

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:11 PM

What Ange said. If he doesn't have money then he will need to earn it.

Edited by Ianthe, 29 January 2013 - 06:13 PM.


#5 EssentialBludger

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:11 PM

I know very little about aspergers, so what I would do may be way off!

Year 11 = 16/17yo? I wouldn't replace the money, I would let him deal with the consequences of spending it. Or give him a lot of jobs to do to earn it back. Not easy/every day chores either.

But like I said, I have no idea of his capabilites so feel free to ignore me.

#6 Apageintime

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:12 PM

I'd make him earn the money back by doing extra chores.

Possibly some volunteer time wherever the charity money was going to as well so he could see why it was needed.

#7 FiveAus

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:16 PM

QUOTE (EssentialBludger @ 29/01/2013, 07:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know very little about aspergers, so what I would do may be way off!

Year 11 = 16/17yo? I wouldn't replace the money, I would let him deal with the consequences of spending it. Or give him a lot of jobs to do to earn it back. Not easy/every day chores either.

But like I said, I have no idea of his capabilites so feel free to ignore me.



I agree with this. I'd hand the letter from the school to him and tell him to deal with it. He can figure it out for himself, and if he decides he needs to earn the money to pay it back, let him come and ask....don't offer.
At 16/17, he's well old enough to be working (and in recent times many 16-17 yo's left school and worked full-time), so he's well old enough to be dealing with the consequences of his actions.


#8 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:30 PM

Errrrrrrrrrr, if you are not familiar with Aspergers and just why it is utterly fecking ludicrous to announce he should just get a job for many if not most teens with Aspergers, it's probably really not helpful to suggest that.

What's his level of cognition and impulse control OP?  While he intellectually knew it was wrong, what happened that he spent the money?  What happened between his knowledge of what is right and his impulsiveness?

What's his social understanding of what he did?  Was it connected to obsessions?

The consequences in my household would depend on the answers to these questions.  There would be consequences but they would be tailored to be teaching consequences.  Does he have a reliable source of money that he can use to repay or can he work it off?

#9 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

Oh and the last thing I would ever do is let him sort it with the school unless the HOD was willing to work with him on it!

#10 ~ky~

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:40 PM

My nearly 10yo DS has aspergers and has been required to work and raise funds to pay for things that he has spent/broken/given away etc. Just because he has issues doesn't mean that it can't be a learning experience.



#11 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:44 PM

Of course it is fair and reasonable that he works to pay the money off but it's not fair and reasonable that he just pulls himself up by his bootstraps and gets a job to pay it off.  If he's in a support unit, that means the school sees he needs extra support.

#12 FiveAus

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:44 PM

This wasn't posted in the special needs section, and no one suggested he "get a job". My suggestion was to let him deal with it and don't offer (jobs, chores etc), let him ask for them.  


#13 Mumsyto2

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:46 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 29/01/2013, 06:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd hand the letter from the school to him and tell him to deal with it. He can figure it out for himself, and if he decides he needs to earn the money to pay it back, let him come and ask....don't offer.

Hello, he has Asperger's.  He can't necessarily "figure it out for himself". You may be thinking of a 'normal' kid without Asperger's ....

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 29/01/2013, 06:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
At 16/17, he's well old enough to be working (and in recent times many 16-17 yo's left school and worked full-time), so he's well old enough to be dealing with the consequences of his actions.

WTF. The majority of 16yo kids with Aspergers are not "well old enough to be working". You seem to have absolutely no understanding of this at all so why you have posted I have no idea. Do you get that the OP's child is in a special unit in school i.e. not mainstream, do you get that there must be a reason for this. Do you get that the kid is not 'typical' which the OP clearly communicated. Just not sure what part of the OP you did not read when you started typing your response  mad.gif

#14 Mumsyto2

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:49 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 29/01/2013, 06:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This wasn't posted in the special needs section, and no one suggested he "get a job". My suggestion was to let him deal with it and don't offer (jobs, chores etc), let him ask for them.

Given your earlier quote reproduced below I call BS on that one.
QUOTE (FiveAus @ 29/01/2013, 06:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
At 16/17, he's well old enough to be working (and in recent times many 16-17 yo's left school and worked full-time), so he's well old enough to be dealing with the consequences of his actions.



#15 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:53 PM

FiveAus, you did indeed suggest he get a job, deal with the school directly and make him ask for help.

These are all things that most kids with ASD have impairments with.  If they did not, they would not have the diagnosis.

It's our job as parents of kids with ASD to work with them to figure out how the world works.

Also this might not be the SN section but all the info was there in the OP.  Aspergers, unit...

#16 FeralZombieMum

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:56 PM

If he has the money, then he has to pay for it. If he doesn't have any money, then he needs to 'earn' this money by doing extra jobs at home.

If he is anything like my DD, he may not be very happy about having to part with his own money, so you might have to deal with the fall out from that. Unfortunately now isn't a good time as he will be starting year 11 and going through that 'start of school' transition, so I would tread very carefully.


Not sure if it's really a big deal or not, that really depends on what he is like with money and if this is the only time he hasn't been 'honest' or not, and it really depends on how his Aspergers plays a part.

We get those chocolate fundraisers once a year and we might access the money as it's the only loose change we have at home, but when it's due we always pay it out of our money because we send in notes regardless if we have/haven't touched the loose change. (A note makes it easier for them to count. wink.gif ) We don't view it as taking/stealing the money - it's just a matter of swapping the change for our notes (although the swap tends to happen when the money is due back. wink.gif ).

#17 FeralZombieMum

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:00 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 29/01/2013, 07:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This wasn't posted in the special needs section, and no one suggested he "get a job". My suggestion was to let him deal with it and don't offer (jobs, chores etc), let him ask for them.

Well if he was capable of doing this, then he probably wouldn't have Aspergers and probably doesn't need to be in a support unit at the school. wink.gif

#18 Incognito3

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:24 PM

Thanks everyone.

Ok this incident is part of a much bigger behaviour problem that we are having.

He just seems to think that he can do what he wants and if I/we tell him that he can't do something, such as play inappropriate ps3 games in front of his little brother, he just does it anyway.

The problem with this is that he is quite strong physically and he towers over us. If we try to enforce what we want ie with the game by turning it off etc he gets physical.

He wouldn't say what he spent the money on but I think it was on his ex-girlfriend (another issue we had as she was older and he thought it was fine to stay there etc).

He doesn't have any money of his own to repay the fundraising money and he wouldn't be able to cope with a job.

We are actually quite worried about his after-school life and also making sure that he toes the line at school as now that he is over 17 he can be asked to leave the unit if its warranted.

Generally he is pretty good there, except when something bothers him and he goes walkabout around the school. The school have been working with him on strategies if he is upset/angry etc.

He wouldn't cope with many jobs as he doesn't have social awareness, body language cues etc.

I think that we will need to make an appointment with the school counsellor to discuss the home issues and will also mention (again) at the meeting we have at beginning of the year with teachers.



#19 Chelli

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:31 PM

I would discuss this with the people who help him at school and see if you can all come to a solution together. They would know where his capabilities lie as well as his understanding of rectifying what he has done wrong.

All the best.

#20 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:44 PM

I think at 17 he needs to be like other 17yo's and have an allowance *but* I would not link that to this drama or you will end up with the hey you gave me an allowance and then you cruelly took it away and I'm sure you know the drill wink.gif.

TBH I would talk to him about what happened, the potential for repercussions and then depending on how he responded, I'd either repay the money and begin working on making sure he doesn't make this choice again or do a deal where he works it off.  To me, the problem is not that he stole the money, the problem is that he did not have access to money to do the normal things that kids of 17 do and he had no way of solving it except to steal.

What's the planning for post school?  I'd be looking at where he was going and beginning to network with post school providers.

#21 EBeditor

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:54 PM

I have removed one post which was insulting to another member. Please keep your replies on topic and helpful.

#22 Mumsyto2

Posted 29 January 2013 - 08:25 PM

Have no suggestions re addressing these issues but also feel seeing the school counsellor is a positive move if you feel they can assist in this regard.

I find that strategies that worked well often no longer work a year or two later so it's back to the drawing board. I am usually stumped as to how to deal with things and have found psychologists who specialise in this area to be pretty invaluable in regards to suitable strategies and so on. In our experience they have also worked together with the school to ensure everyone is on the same page in regards to implementing agreed strategies and that has worked well. Obviously what works for one child may be completely ineffective in another so a lot is trial and error.

If you have a uni that has a decent psychology unit in it near you it may be worthwhile touching base with them. They look for cases for psychologists in training to be clinical psychologists to take on. This gives you continuity with the same person for a year or two and is incredibly cheap vs seeing a specialised clinical psychologist. You are eligible for a private health claim with them so we ended up only $10 out of pocket a session whereas we were $250 out of pocket a session with a specialised clinical psychologist. Both routes seemed to be equally effective but my hip pocket favoured one over the other  biggrin.gif The person in training at the uni is overseen by an experienced clinical psychologist and there is also the benefit of there being a team of experienced people behind the scenes so a few people to bounce ideas off and offer different suggestions or things that may have worked with other similar cases.





#23 kadoodle

Posted 29 January 2013 - 08:39 PM

If he is so much larger than you and is being violent with family members, perhaps it is time to think about putting his name down for supported living.

Is it possible he can "pay in trade" to the school?  Even if you hand over the money, he goes to working bees to repay the school for taking the money from their fundraiser?  Or would this be too obtuse?

#24 beccaj

Posted 29 January 2013 - 08:49 PM

What about selling PS3 games to cover the cost?

#25 madmother

Posted 29 January 2013 - 08:57 PM

QUOTE (FiveAus @ 29/01/2013, 06:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I agree with this. I'd hand the letter from the school to him and tell him to deal with it. He can figure it out for himself, and if he decides he needs to earn the money to pay it back, let him come and ask....don't offer.
At 16/17, he's well old enough to be working (and in recent times many 16-17 yo's left school and worked full-time), so he's well old enough to be dealing with the consequences of his actions.


rolleyes.gif

QUOTE (Balzac @ 29/01/2013, 06:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Errrrrrrrrrr, if you are not familiar with Aspergers and just why it is utterly fecking ludicrous to announce he should just get a job for many if not most teens with Aspergers, it's probably really not helpful to suggest that.

What's his level of cognition and impulse control OP?  While he intellectually knew it was wrong, what happened that he spent the money?  What happened between his knowledge of what is right and his impulsiveness?

What's his social understanding of what he did?  Was it connected to obsessions?

The consequences in my household would depend on the answers to these questions.  There would be consequences but they would be tailored to be teaching consequences.  Does he have a reliable source of money that he can use to repay or can he work it off?



Great way of discerning what to do next!

As for looking forward, are you in Brissie? Would
THIS be of help?




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