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Should I Say Something? If So, What?
*update* 15/2/13


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#1 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:46 PM

The town I live in is smaller than I thought as I've recently come upon information which I wish I could un-see and un-hear.  Well, by recently, I mean it's been a few months now but I've been stewing over it.  Long story short, I have very solid information from a variety of sources (ranging from workmates to my very own SIL) that my very best girlfriend's partner (and father of her children) has been/is cheating on her with at least (but probably more) one other girl.  Not just cheating, but impregnating.  I've also seen his alternatively-named Facebook account where he is friends with the mother of this other child of his.

My problem?  With all the information I've unfortunately come upon, I have no idea whether or not my darling friend has any idea or not.  They haven't had the most solid or 'usual' relationship, it's always seemed a bit complicated but I know that they are best friends, have been through a lot together and care for eachother very much.  And they love their kids.  A lot.  I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should keep my mouth shut or say something.  Part of me thinks that she knows but that they're deciding to muddle through it as best they can for the sake of the kids and that she doesn't tell people for fear of judgement.  Which is her choice, fair enough.  But I don't know for sure. What if she doesn't know?

She is my very best girlfriend and we talk about a LOT of stuff but I do believe that this is the sort of thing she would be quite reserved about.  She doesn't talk about their relationship much.  Like, I don't feel like I could just casually drop this into conversation, even hypothetically as it is just not something we would discuss. mellow.gif I feel like a liar when I see her and don't say anything.  I feel uncomfortable when I see them both and he is there.  

Another piece to the puzzle.  A member of my extended family knows this guy socially and knows that he's in our circle of friends.  Should I say something to the member of my family to suss things out?  

Help?

Edited by MissingInAction, 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM.


#2 gmc88

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:53 PM

Tricky but I know if it was me I would hope to god someone would tell me, especially my BFF if she knew...

#3 WYSIWYG

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:59 PM

It's such an awkward position to be in. On one hand, it would be incredibly hard for her to find out and also know that everybody else knew as well but never told her. On the other hand, she may not even want to know or care to know.
Then if you were to tell her, she may be upset at you (shooting the messenger type thing), she may not even believe you and that could ruin your friendship. But then she may be incredibly thankful and have you there to be her shoulder to cry on.

I don't envy your position, and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do if I were you.

Edited by RunawayPrincess, 29 January 2013 - 05:00 PM.


#4 Ferelsmegz

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:16 PM

If that was my very best friend I would say something.. amd expect likewise back.

#5 Swarley

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:19 PM

Although there's a chance she'll be upset with you (shoot the messenger sort of thing) - I'd still tell her somehow because if it were me, I'd be devastated to find out my friend knew and didn't tell me.

#6 Swarley

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:21 PM

QUOTE
she may be upset at you (shooting the messenger type thing),


Lol, I swear I didn't read your post before I replied Tounge1.gif

#7 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:21 PM

Additional Info:  

Her darling partner has a wild aggressive streak, can be very impulsive and has been in a lot of trouble with the law.  Apparently he has ADHD.  So while he gets on well with DH & I for now, I fear that he'll lose it at us if he were to find out that i/we'd said something to her.  I don't have a problem with HIM.  I have a problem with these things that he's done.

#8 Pearlberry

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:26 PM

As someone who has been cheated on I would tell. Maybe not directly as she may get angry, defensive to you and then not have anyone to lean on. Sounds like a cowards way out, but maybe via a note in her mailbox or ssomething. Include proof if you have it.

She may know or suspect. If she knows and has accepted it, no harm done. If she suspects or has a rocky relationship, she may be waiting for this proof before she feels she can go. Give it to her. At the least, they can work on their relationship honestly.

If she is in total denial, well, nothing is making a difference.

I'm sure he will deny, but at least she will have her eye out.

#9 LittleC

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:27 PM

If it were me, I'd want to know. I think I'd rather hear it from my best friend rather than an aquaintance or one of the mistresses. Knowing her very well, you could break it to her in a way that'll be as gentle as shell ever hear it.

#10 SeaPrincess

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:29 PM

Could you bring it up in the way of "you know this is such a small town, I've heard......." as if you don't believe it, but think they should know what's being said.  That way, you get it off your chest and its totally up to her/them what they do with it.

#11 credence

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:33 PM

I think as her friend you do have to tell her. I cannot see how not telling her would be helpful at all.

#12 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:34 PM

QUOTE (SeaPrincess @ 29/01/2013, 05:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Could you bring it up in the way of "you know this is such a small town, I've heard......." as if you don't believe it, but think they should know what's being said.  That way, you get it off your chest and its totally up to her/them what they do with it.


That's what I was thinking of doing, if I ever work up the courage to do it.  
We're both born & bred locals and often talk about how funny/annoying it is that everybody knows everybody around here and we'll talk about how small a town it is... so that's a way I could work it in.  Maybe.  I'm not good with my words, face to face.  I get muddled, I get flustered at the best of times.  


#13 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:36 PM

I would want to know, so I would sit down with her and give her the information you have.

#14 Ninja Lemur

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

How did you bump into his Facebook account?  

Could you just say "OMG I just saw this Facebook account" and let her delve as deeply as she is happy to.

#15 FeralBee

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

Maybe try easing into it. Try to go into it without pre-judgement - after all, they may just have some kind of arrangement behind closed doors, or she may not be ready to hear what's going on.

Pick a quiet time and ask her how things are going between her and her husband, then gently say that you've heard rumours going around, but weren't sure if you should tell her about them. If she says nothing or asks for more information, then tell her, but from a standpoint of "this is what's been said".

After all, while you're pretty sure something's going on, it is all hearsay up until this point, so you're not being dishonest to present it as rumour rather than fact.

Does this guy's alternate FB page have his actual picture up anywhere, or has he been smart enough to keep it under the radar? If it has his picture, you could say, "Someone pointed this page out to me, it looks a lot like him and I wasn't sure if you knew about it".

#16 Fenrir

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:41 PM

I would tell her and, as her best friend, she should expect you to tell her. Looking out for her best interests and all that jazz....

What you will have to be prepared for is her not believing you and your friendship ceasing. All you can do is be honest and tell her it is because she is your best friend and you would hate for her to be the laughing stock of the town over it IYKWIM

OTOH it could be revealed that she knows all about the other women and they have an open relationship. What she may not know about is how serious it has gotten between him and the mother of his other child.



#17 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:46 PM

QUOTE (amoral lemur @ 29/01/2013, 05:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How did you bump into his Facebook account?  

Could you just say "OMG I just saw this Facebook account" and let her delve as deeply as she is happy to.



I was told about it, it's an alternative spelling of his name. No photos on there from what I can see BUT i have been previously shown facebook pictures from a mutual friend of his "other" woman of the two of them together via my friends phone (as we realised we both knew the same guy and, as he has a fairly common surname we wanted to check we meant the same guy)!!  


QUOTE (SqueakyBee @ 29/01/2013, 05:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Maybe try easing into it. Try to go into it without pre-judgement - after all, they may just have some kind of arrangement behind closed doors, or she may not be ready to hear what's going on.

Pick a quiet time and ask her how things are going between her and her husband, then gently say that you've heard rumours going around, but weren't sure if you should tell her about them. If she says nothing or asks for more information, then tell her, but from a standpoint of "this is what's been said".

After all, while you're pretty sure something's going on, it is all hearsay up until this point, so you're not being dishonest to present it as rumour rather than fact.

Does this guy's alternate FB page have his actual picture up anywhere, or has he been smart enough to keep it under the radar? If it has his picture, you could say, "Someone pointed this page out to me, it looks a lot like him and I wasn't sure if you knew about it".


Yeah, I have a strong hunch that she is aware and is either in denial or they have an arrangement.  He's not "around" much even though he lives there, he sort of does his own thing and comes and goes as he pleases and he'll say he's off somewhere and away he goes.  


#18 Senna

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:49 PM

I think you need to tell her, even though the fallout could potentially be messy.  If she isn't aware, she is at risk of him passing on STDs.

#19 FeralBee

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:58 PM

QUOTE (MiaMoo86 @ 29/01/2013, 03:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yeah, I have a strong hunch that she is aware and is either in denial or they have an arrangement.  He's not "around" much even though he lives there, he sort of does his own thing and comes and goes as he pleases and he'll say he's off somewhere and away he goes.


I think the main concern is whether she is safe (sexual health and all) and happy. Broaching it from that angle may be better. But even if she isn't, it is ultimately her choice whether to stay with this idiot guy or not. I'd tell her but if she knows, or denies, and stays with him then just keep supporting her and be there for her if she ever decides enough is enough.

#20 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

I really don't want to lose her friendship.  But I can't keep not telling her.  I know I need to tell her what I've heard.  I just can't quite muster up the courage and every time I think I might do it He comes home.

#21 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

I really don't want to lose her friendship.  But I can't keep not telling her.  I know I need to tell her what I've heard.  I just can't quite muster up the courage and every time I think I might do it He comes home.
Can I do it over the phone?  Email?  FB PM?  
We live five minutes away but we both work 5 days/week and have busy family lives.  We usually catch up about once a month.  
I'm beginningn to see the need for me to tell her but in saying that I'm dying inside at the prospect of going around to her home and having her so angry at me and kicking me out and just not wanting me around.  I'm so sad.

Edited by MiaMoo86, 29 January 2013 - 06:56 PM.


#22 Pearlberry

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:04 PM

QUOTE (SeaPrincess @ 29/01/2013, 06:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Could you bring it up in the way of "you know this is such a small town, I've heard......." as if you don't believe it, but think they should know what's being said.  That way, you get it off your chest and its totally up to her/them what they do with it.



Actually I like this one. Then you are telling her directly. But are also distancing yourself from it. I would of course not name names. Hopefully they wouldn't get mad at you for that, but she may

#23 Pearlberry

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:07 PM

If you are telling directly and not anonymously, i would tell in person. I either support her or let her havea space afterwards

#24 katniss

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:08 PM

I would invite her out for coffee to a quiet cafe and broach the subject there, that way if she needs to walk away she can without "kicking" you out of her home.

I can imagine it will be very difficult for you to tell her but you need too. Good luck.

#25 icekool

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:18 PM

When I was in high school, a friend's mum (single mum) was having an affair with a married man. He got me to write an anonymous letter and post it from my house to the man's wife. That was how the wife found out about the affair and it ended. Duno what happen since.

*I posted it from my house so that it was stamped with my postcode. Not sure how it works nowadays.




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