Jump to content

Should I Say Something? If So, What?
*update* 15/2/13


  • Please log in to reply
45 replies to this topic

#1 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:46 PM

The town I live in is smaller than I thought as I've recently come upon information which I wish I could un-see and un-hear.  Well, by recently, I mean it's been a few months now but I've been stewing over it.  Long story short, I have very solid information from a variety of sources (ranging from workmates to my very own SIL) that my very best girlfriend's partner (and father of her children) has been/is cheating on her with at least (but probably more) one other girl.  Not just cheating, but impregnating.  I've also seen his alternatively-named Facebook account where he is friends with the mother of this other child of his.

My problem?  With all the information I've unfortunately come upon, I have no idea whether or not my darling friend has any idea or not.  They haven't had the most solid or 'usual' relationship, it's always seemed a bit complicated but I know that they are best friends, have been through a lot together and care for eachother very much.  And they love their kids.  A lot.  I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should keep my mouth shut or say something.  Part of me thinks that she knows but that they're deciding to muddle through it as best they can for the sake of the kids and that she doesn't tell people for fear of judgement.  Which is her choice, fair enough.  But I don't know for sure. What if she doesn't know?

She is my very best girlfriend and we talk about a LOT of stuff but I do believe that this is the sort of thing she would be quite reserved about.  She doesn't talk about their relationship much.  Like, I don't feel like I could just casually drop this into conversation, even hypothetically as it is just not something we would discuss. mellow.gif I feel like a liar when I see her and don't say anything.  I feel uncomfortable when I see them both and he is there.  

Another piece to the puzzle.  A member of my extended family knows this guy socially and knows that he's in our circle of friends.  Should I say something to the member of my family to suss things out?  

Help?

Edited by MissingInAction, 15 February 2013 - 02:13 PM.


#2 gmc88

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:53 PM

Tricky but I know if it was me I would hope to god someone would tell me, especially my BFF if she knew...

#3 WYSIWYG

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:59 PM

It's such an awkward position to be in. On one hand, it would be incredibly hard for her to find out and also know that everybody else knew as well but never told her. On the other hand, she may not even want to know or care to know.
Then if you were to tell her, she may be upset at you (shooting the messenger type thing), she may not even believe you and that could ruin your friendship. But then she may be incredibly thankful and have you there to be her shoulder to cry on.

I don't envy your position, and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do if I were you.

Edited by RunawayPrincess, 29 January 2013 - 05:00 PM.


#4 Ferelsmegz

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:16 PM

If that was my very best friend I would say something.. amd expect likewise back.

#5 Swarley

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:19 PM

Although there's a chance she'll be upset with you (shoot the messenger sort of thing) - I'd still tell her somehow because if it were me, I'd be devastated to find out my friend knew and didn't tell me.

#6 Swarley

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:21 PM

QUOTE
she may be upset at you (shooting the messenger type thing),


Lol, I swear I didn't read your post before I replied Tounge1.gif

#7 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:21 PM

Additional Info:  

Her darling partner has a wild aggressive streak, can be very impulsive and has been in a lot of trouble with the law.  Apparently he has ADHD.  So while he gets on well with DH & I for now, I fear that he'll lose it at us if he were to find out that i/we'd said something to her.  I don't have a problem with HIM.  I have a problem with these things that he's done.

#8 Pearlberry

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:26 PM

As someone who has been cheated on I would tell. Maybe not directly as she may get angry, defensive to you and then not have anyone to lean on. Sounds like a cowards way out, but maybe via a note in her mailbox or ssomething. Include proof if you have it.

She may know or suspect. If she knows and has accepted it, no harm done. If she suspects or has a rocky relationship, she may be waiting for this proof before she feels she can go. Give it to her. At the least, they can work on their relationship honestly.

If she is in total denial, well, nothing is making a difference.

I'm sure he will deny, but at least she will have her eye out.

#9 LittleC

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:27 PM

If it were me, I'd want to know. I think I'd rather hear it from my best friend rather than an aquaintance or one of the mistresses. Knowing her very well, you could break it to her in a way that'll be as gentle as shell ever hear it.

#10 SeaPrincess

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:29 PM

Could you bring it up in the way of "you know this is such a small town, I've heard......." as if you don't believe it, but think they should know what's being said.  That way, you get it off your chest and its totally up to her/them what they do with it.

#11 credence

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:33 PM

I think as her friend you do have to tell her. I cannot see how not telling her would be helpful at all.

#12 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:34 PM

QUOTE (SeaPrincess @ 29/01/2013, 05:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Could you bring it up in the way of "you know this is such a small town, I've heard......." as if you don't believe it, but think they should know what's being said.  That way, you get it off your chest and its totally up to her/them what they do with it.


That's what I was thinking of doing, if I ever work up the courage to do it.  
We're both born & bred locals and often talk about how funny/annoying it is that everybody knows everybody around here and we'll talk about how small a town it is... so that's a way I could work it in.  Maybe.  I'm not good with my words, face to face.  I get muddled, I get flustered at the best of times.  


#13 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:36 PM

I would want to know, so I would sit down with her and give her the information you have.

#14 Rainbow Lemur

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

How did you bump into his Facebook account?  

Could you just say "OMG I just saw this Facebook account" and let her delve as deeply as she is happy to.

#15 FeralBee

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

Maybe try easing into it. Try to go into it without pre-judgement - after all, they may just have some kind of arrangement behind closed doors, or she may not be ready to hear what's going on.

Pick a quiet time and ask her how things are going between her and her husband, then gently say that you've heard rumours going around, but weren't sure if you should tell her about them. If she says nothing or asks for more information, then tell her, but from a standpoint of "this is what's been said".

After all, while you're pretty sure something's going on, it is all hearsay up until this point, so you're not being dishonest to present it as rumour rather than fact.

Does this guy's alternate FB page have his actual picture up anywhere, or has he been smart enough to keep it under the radar? If it has his picture, you could say, "Someone pointed this page out to me, it looks a lot like him and I wasn't sure if you knew about it".

#16 Fenrir

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:41 PM

I would tell her and, as her best friend, she should expect you to tell her. Looking out for her best interests and all that jazz....

What you will have to be prepared for is her not believing you and your friendship ceasing. All you can do is be honest and tell her it is because she is your best friend and you would hate for her to be the laughing stock of the town over it IYKWIM

OTOH it could be revealed that she knows all about the other women and they have an open relationship. What she may not know about is how serious it has gotten between him and the mother of his other child.



#17 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:46 PM

QUOTE (amoral lemur @ 29/01/2013, 05:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How did you bump into his Facebook account?  

Could you just say "OMG I just saw this Facebook account" and let her delve as deeply as she is happy to.



I was told about it, it's an alternative spelling of his name. No photos on there from what I can see BUT i have been previously shown facebook pictures from a mutual friend of his "other" woman of the two of them together via my friends phone (as we realised we both knew the same guy and, as he has a fairly common surname we wanted to check we meant the same guy)!!  


QUOTE (SqueakyBee @ 29/01/2013, 05:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Maybe try easing into it. Try to go into it without pre-judgement - after all, they may just have some kind of arrangement behind closed doors, or she may not be ready to hear what's going on.

Pick a quiet time and ask her how things are going between her and her husband, then gently say that you've heard rumours going around, but weren't sure if you should tell her about them. If she says nothing or asks for more information, then tell her, but from a standpoint of "this is what's been said".

After all, while you're pretty sure something's going on, it is all hearsay up until this point, so you're not being dishonest to present it as rumour rather than fact.

Does this guy's alternate FB page have his actual picture up anywhere, or has he been smart enough to keep it under the radar? If it has his picture, you could say, "Someone pointed this page out to me, it looks a lot like him and I wasn't sure if you knew about it".


Yeah, I have a strong hunch that she is aware and is either in denial or they have an arrangement.  He's not "around" much even though he lives there, he sort of does his own thing and comes and goes as he pleases and he'll say he's off somewhere and away he goes.  


#18 Senna

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:49 PM

I think you need to tell her, even though the fallout could potentially be messy.  If she isn't aware, she is at risk of him passing on STDs.

#19 FeralBee

Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:58 PM

QUOTE (MiaMoo86 @ 29/01/2013, 03:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yeah, I have a strong hunch that she is aware and is either in denial or they have an arrangement.  He's not "around" much even though he lives there, he sort of does his own thing and comes and goes as he pleases and he'll say he's off somewhere and away he goes.


I think the main concern is whether she is safe (sexual health and all) and happy. Broaching it from that angle may be better. But even if she isn't, it is ultimately her choice whether to stay with this idiot guy or not. I'd tell her but if she knows, or denies, and stays with him then just keep supporting her and be there for her if she ever decides enough is enough.

#20 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

I really don't want to lose her friendship.  But I can't keep not telling her.  I know I need to tell her what I've heard.  I just can't quite muster up the courage and every time I think I might do it He comes home.

#21 MissingInAction

Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

I really don't want to lose her friendship.  But I can't keep not telling her.  I know I need to tell her what I've heard.  I just can't quite muster up the courage and every time I think I might do it He comes home.
Can I do it over the phone?  Email?  FB PM?  
We live five minutes away but we both work 5 days/week and have busy family lives.  We usually catch up about once a month.  
I'm beginningn to see the need for me to tell her but in saying that I'm dying inside at the prospect of going around to her home and having her so angry at me and kicking me out and just not wanting me around.  I'm so sad.

Edited by MiaMoo86, 29 January 2013 - 06:56 PM.


#22 Pearlberry

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:04 PM

QUOTE (SeaPrincess @ 29/01/2013, 06:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Could you bring it up in the way of "you know this is such a small town, I've heard......." as if you don't believe it, but think they should know what's being said.  That way, you get it off your chest and its totally up to her/them what they do with it.



Actually I like this one. Then you are telling her directly. But are also distancing yourself from it. I would of course not name names. Hopefully they wouldn't get mad at you for that, but she may

#23 Pearlberry

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:07 PM

If you are telling directly and not anonymously, i would tell in person. I either support her or let her havea space afterwards

#24 katniss

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:08 PM

I would invite her out for coffee to a quiet cafe and broach the subject there, that way if she needs to walk away she can without "kicking" you out of her home.

I can imagine it will be very difficult for you to tell her but you need too. Good luck.

#25 icekool

Posted 29 January 2013 - 07:18 PM

When I was in high school, a friend's mum (single mum) was having an affair with a married man. He got me to write an anonymous letter and post it from my house to the man's wife. That was how the wife found out about the affair and it ended. Duno what happen since.

*I posted it from my house so that it was stamped with my postcode. Not sure how it works nowadays.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

Child in suitcase 'could have died eight years ago'

A child whose remains were dumped in a suitcase in the South Australian bush is believed to have been a girl aged between two-and-a-half to four.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

Portable pools 'more dangerous than permanent ones'

Inflatable and portable children's pools may be required to be sold with compulsory fencing to prevent backyard drownings, with some experts even floating the idea of a ban.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

Six-week-old baby found dead, believed stabbed

A neighbour heard a child screaming before a baby was found dead, believed to have been stabbed, in a house in Newcastle.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Beaneasy: sweet nursery furniture with a twist

If you're looking to introduce an organic element into your baby's nursery but want to step away from natural timber, we have the perfect alternative.

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

Woman adopts best friend's four daughters after cancer tragedy

Best friends share everything - and for these two life-long friends, that includes family.

Baby Leo's mum excluded from $500K trust 'for her own protection'

Samuel Forrest didn't want his wife as a trustee of their baby Leo's half million dollar trust for her own "protection", it has emerged.

Confirmed: men gain weight when they become dads

Men who become fathers experience weight gain and an increase in body mass index, a measurement of body fat based on height and weight, according to a new, large-scale study

Carer investigated over washing machine photo posted 'for a laugh'

She said the photo of a boy with Down syndrome in a washing machine was taken just for fun, but no one else was laughing.

Mum's premature labour nightmare after high tea salmonella outbreak

An opulent high tea at a luxury Melbourne hotel has left 44 people with salmonella poisoning - including a pregnant woman, who went into early labour.

The day my son started a fire

Would you know what to do in a fire emergency? How safe is your home and family?

Prince George celebrates second birthday

Prince George's second birthday has been marked by the release of an official picture showing the toddler smiling as he is held by his proud beaming father.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

Review: Cybex Platinum PRIAM pram

I'm not usually one who believes in love at first sight but that's exactly what happened when I first saw the Cybex PRIAM.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Why I'm choosing to be a single mother right from the start

I believe that you get out of families what you put into them, and I will give mine my all.

Mother and baby units are a necessity for mental health, not a luxury

I have had two postnatal psychotic episodes. The first when my eldest child was six weeks old, and another after my second child was born.

30 French baby names

French names are always in fashion, but a few have risen in popularity in recent years.

New mum's Spanish maternity nightmare

A British woman who gave birth in Spain has told of her ordeal after spending weeks trying to convince medics the baby girl was hers.

Preparing Rover to be a good dog with baby

Some friends of ours say that it's dangerous to have a dog around a newborn and that we should start looking for a new home for him. Is it?

Company offers to ship working mums' breast milk home

First Apple and Facebook announced they would pay $20,000 towards the cost of their female employees freezing their eggs, now IBM in the US has come up with an innovative new policy aimed at retaining female employees.

Prince William speaks of his pride at wife Kate and 'little joy of heaven' Charlotte

The Duke of Cambridge opened up about family life and his plans for the future in an interview to mark his first day as an air ambulance pilot.

'Glowing' eye saves baby Mason's life

A simple photo taken in front of an evening fire gave new mother Sarah Bowers the power to save her baby's life. 

Parenting and decision overload

Of all the advice people told me before having a baby, no one warned me about the amount of decisions involved.

Proof that toddlers can't be left unsupervised - ever

Parents of toddlers all know the moment when realise your child is being suspiciously quiet. It can only mean one thing - trouble!

Meet Jeremy Ryan, The Voice contestant with seven kids

If you have trouble recalling the ages of Jeremy Ryan's seven children on The Voice, you're not alone. So does he.

Baby's adorable reaction to wearing glasses for the first time

Getting glasses can be a formative moment in a person's life.

Police officer buys supplies for family after mum of six caught shoplifting

When a mum of six was caught shoplifting nappies, clothes and shoes for her kids, the last thing she expected was for a stranger to pay for her haul.

Why pregnant women on antidepressants shouldn’t panic about birth defect claims

The risk of having uncontrolled depression is far greater than the small increased risk of birth defects that may be associated with specific antidepressants.

Arrests made over children's birthday party brawl

Police have raided properties and arrested a number of people over a brawl at a child's birthday party at a play centre in Sydney's west.

Family shares awesome drone baby announcement

Looking for a creative way to share some big news? Look to the skies, like this family did.

Young warrior Owen defies doctors' predictions

Little Owen DiCandilo's name means "young warrior", and it's a description that perfectly fits the inspiring 18-month-old

Advice for dads: when to approach your wife for sex

The exhaustion that comes with caring for young children often means romance between parents becomes a thing of the past.

I might be fat, but I don't need saving

I've been fat for pretty much most of life, besides a few crazy moments of being less-fat, but for the most part I've existed on this earth with a little more meat on my bones than desirable.

The rookie mistakes we make as parents

Since the dawn of civilisation, generation after generation of new parents have had to rely on instinct, trial and error - and sometimes get it wrong.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.