lonliness as an older mum
They are all so much younger!
, Jan 29 2013 03:47 PM
24 replies to this topic
Posted 29 January 2013 - 03:47 PM
We did the research as best we could to find out the pitfalls of being older parents. It doesnt seem too unusual these days. The one thing I wasnt prepared for is the lack of friends.
When I told the ladies I worked with that we were going to have a child they all thought I was crazy. They all had kids working or moving out of home. I had two teenagers myself and my DSDs are adults.
Everyone I know that is my age is having such different life experiences to me. We have nothing in common now. I have met a couple of lovely ladies through playgroup but with at least ten years difference in our age, and they are going on to have more babies, there is not a lot in common there either. They are too busy with more than one little one either at home or school.
I had heaps of friends when I was in my twenties and having my boys.
I cant wait until DD starts kindy to meet some mums as that is two years away!
How have others coped with this?
I have to add that deciding to have this gorgeous child is the best thing I ever did. At two she just cant hold a very intellectual conversation.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 03:51 PM
I feel loneliness as a 27 year old mum. For my friends that's pretty young to have a LO, everyone else lives for the night and going out and I'm very much a day creature these days. EB is my friend, oh sad I know!
Posted 29 January 2013 - 03:52 PM
i'm not an older mum but i get the loneliness! it's not just age that can set you apart from other mums in the playgroups, it's lifestyle and parenting choices and interests...
can you try to find new playgroups for your little one that might have older mums? maybe start your own, advertise across a wider area, i'd be willing to travel for good conversation :-)
good luck OP, and good on you for having another. my mum is an 'older' mum and i wouldn't change her for the world - so much life experience that i'm now learning even more from :-)
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:05 PM
I know what you mean, I was actually really lucky and met a group of mums on here from my area. We were about food, coffee playgrounds..I was desperate my husband travelled I had no family within 2000km I had days when the only adult I spoke to was selling me coffee. It is the same for the younger mums, some you just click with.It helped but took a while to get into. Now our kids are at school we still meet in holidays and the kids have a ball.
School is better I turned 50 just before my youngest started school.. I am the eldest mums but now I am 52 there are 2 other mums joining me in the 50s finally... My husband who is 4 years older than me has never been the eldest dad in either of y kids classes.. The mum I Have spent most of my time with has kids the same age.. Her mum had her when she was 45.. She is 12 years younger and also a long way away. Things change when they have younger ones though.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:25 PM
Thanks for the replies. I guess it just doesnt matter about age it is just circumstances.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:37 PM
My one and only was born just before my 40th birthday. I know how you're feeling, OP. Those first few years were really difficult for me as I had given up work, all our friends with children were well and truly back at work, their kids were in high school or uni.
It took a little while but I now have some wonderful friends (about my age, too)! One great friend has had custody of two of her grandchildren since the day each of them was born so although she is a bit older than me, we are both going through the early adolescence stage together, me for the first time, she's well experienced!
Hope you find some great friends soon to share this wonderful time with you and your little one.
Edited by fancie, 29 January 2013 - 04:38 PM.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:49 PM
One of my friends is 12 years older than me & a couple of others are 6-7 years older. Maybe you just haven't met mum's you have clicked with yet.
I do agree circumstances affect friendships. With the above friendships all our children are similar ages, with no new babies arriving.
The start of school has opened a whole new door with meeting people. For me it has taken time for friendships to develop though. When each of my children has started school I have met new people that have (over time) gone from the occasional chat at school pick up, to organising play dates, to just get together purely to socialise with each other.
I have to admit I do find it hard to 'put myself out there' when meeting new people at school but I push myself to do it nd the outcome has always been worth the social anxiety!!
Edited by CheekyCat, 29 January 2013 - 04:52 PM.
Posted 30 January 2013 - 08:36 AM
i could've written the same. i joined a playgroup with my now 4.5 yr old becasue the older ones were at school & i felt she was a bit lost....truth was it was me. had a good bunch of mums. fast forward to last year & i rejoined again with my 18mth old. went to the same centre but of course people move on so was with a different bunch of 'girls'. i say 'girls' becasue i was old enough to be their mother!! i went for 3 weeks & gave it up as a bad joke. absolutely nothing in common. tried to find an older mums playgroup but none in our area.
when my 4.5 yr old went to kinder last year,although they wewre a nice group of parents, i was still the odd one out being an older mum & a mother of a large family. i am lonely at times but with DD2 now a little older we go shopping,out to lunch,the park & i am quite happy most of the time for it to be just us.the time wont last long & before i know it she will be off to school.
dont have an answer but know youre not the only one
Posted 30 January 2013 - 08:45 AM
I was born when my mother was 40 - back in the 1970s this was a bit weird! People automatically assumed I was number 6 or 7 in my family not number 2!
She made friends with children our age - this meant that she made new friends who were 15 - 20 years younger than herself.
Interestingly enough her 'pre children' friends were mainly about 15 - 20 years older than she! (she had moved to a new country when she was 30 and it had just panned out that way.)
She did find herself in a bit of a 'wise woman' role with her younger friends and 'a ray of sunshine' with her older ones.... but it all panned out in the end..
Posted 30 January 2013 - 08:47 AM
axiomae- I agree with you as im 28 but have 3 little ones and my friends are no where near marriage or kids they think its just strange having kids this young! I go to playgroups and im surrounded by mother's in their mid to late 30's but i never get to hold much of a conversation with them as they think im still this baby myself?! some are nice but they arnt the sort you can hit it off with straight away and potentially have a new friendship with as they've already made their own little groups at playgroup. Kinder is the same I cant fit in they panic when they see three kids especially since they are all boys..
at the end of the day im there because i want my kids to have some socialisation with other children they dont have cousins around and maybe i should have waited until i was older to have my kids but i love them anyway no matter what age i am!
Posted 30 January 2013 - 08:50 AM
I am about to turn 50yo and have a 7yo DD.
My parent friends are all younger than me in years, but we have a lot in common through our children.
Age is just a number really - the stage you're at in life (parenting an 8yo) is far more relevant.
I joined scouts for DD, and to my eternal surprise, there are quite a few of us who are young at heart, rather than in calendar terms. I guess I'm suggesting that it could be worth looking into joining organisations that are more diverse than your child's class can provide.
Posted 30 January 2013 - 09:02 AM
I do kind of know what you mean. My closest friends all have older school age kids so are verry busy with pick up, drop off, after school activities etc etc. I find school holidays the hardest at the moment as they are crazy busy, going away etc and I am still doing the same old pre-school age stuff with my kids.
On the other hand I do believe age is a number. When my DD was born I was loving in a country town and the MG I was put in was very young. I was 1 of 2 older mums, most were in their mid 20's and 2 were in early 20's. We all got along great and are to this day very good friends. The one who I became closest friends with is one of the youngest ones! She is now 25, I am 39 and we are great friends. All the girls in the MG nearly fell off their chairs when I told them my age about 6mo after we all met.
So I think you need to think of the other mums in terms of who they are, not their age. TBH I dont think loneliness as a mum has anything to with age, it is just a lonely job sometimes. I just found that I needed to invest time and energy into making friends, learning to do things I like doing with my kids tagging along and stuff the whinging. As your child gets older it does get easier. i love my 3.5yo's company most of the time!
Also I do things with my friends after 6pm. I put it in my DH's diary so he knows to be home on time. I bath and feed the kids early and then go out for dinner or to the movies with a BF. I then find spending the day with kids isnt so lonely feeling if I have something adult to look forward to.
Posted 02 February 2013 - 08:59 PM
I think it's best to focus on joining more groups until you find people you connect with. I was 42 when I had my son and connect with Mums who are nearby and have a similar baby schedule. Don't worry about age - just look for a connection.
Posted 02 February 2013 - 09:07 PM
I feel loneliness. I don't have many quality friends around me, and a lot of awesome people don't live near me so it's hard to catch up. DS has also started having an epic nap in the middle of the day so I can no longer meet people for lunch and the like.
Then I get stuck in a rut of not wanting to do anything because what's the point? And everything becomes too much effort.
There are no playgroups around here and I really don't know how to make genuine friends.
I work part time as well, so I'm not in with the work crew and I'm not in with any mums. I'm going back more days soon but am dreading maternity leave with this next one.
Posted 02 February 2013 - 09:24 PM
I think its circumstances as well, although I too am an older mum.
I lived overseas for a few years, came back with my DS and minus the DH ....now the XH. My closest friends never had children and the ones that did, moved away (from Sydney) to more affordable areas. The ones without children are leading busy single lives still....in their early 30s up to late 40s and don't have much time to catch up.
When we first got back I felt too shell shocked by everything that had happened and continued to happen, that I didn't feel up to trying any playgroups and DS was already 3.5 by then. Preschool, there were nice mums but everyone was already well established with their own lives and circle of friends, busy, husbands etc. We did try tennis, swimming etc but met no one to talk with.
I work now but there is no one that is similar or in the same boat. Once again well established lives already.
DS has just started school so maybe I'll make some new friends there but really, I've kinda of given up.
Posted 02 February 2013 - 09:28 PM
Sunnycat, you sound like you need to take this advice like I do!
The main thing I am hearing from most of you is to get out and join more playgroups ect.
I am going to ring my local community centre this week and find out about whats on. Also we have had a seven week break from the big music playgroup we attend so that was contributing to how I felt. It started back yesterday and my DD loves it. I dont have a particular friend there though as I seem to have a chat with a different mum each week. But I still look forward to it.
I have tended to stay home most days because my DH goes to work at 3pm so gets the morning with DD. I havent felt right to go out as I would if he wasnt there. He probably wouldnt mind though. He and I dont talk much.
I am starting some study from home at the end of February so that will change life somewhat! I will have to do some seminars and group work so will be talking with other grownups. I am looking forward to that but I am also feeling a little anxious at the thought of being away from my DD.
So I am going to make some changes and stop feeling sorry for myself
Posted 02 February 2013 - 09:32 PM
I feel loneliness as a 27 year old mum. For my friends that's pretty young to have a LO, everyone else lives for the night and going out and I'm very much a day creature these days. EB is my friend, oh sad I know!
I agree with the above.
I am by far the youngest from the class parents last year (haven't met any this year) it can be very isolating.
I have friends my age with kids, but I find majority of parents these days are "older" mums.
Posted 02 February 2013 - 09:36 PM
I'm 28 and get the loneliness, most friends my age don't have 4 kids
Posted 02 February 2013 - 09:47 PM
I so understand what you mean - I felt it the first time around as well, as I was in my 30s and there were a lot of much younger mothers. I was also a single mum, which made things more isolating.
To be frank, most of my best mother friends I met were through the internet - I was on a small solo mothers messageboard (still in existence) and there were several from the same town as I.
School also made things easier, although that was partly because the school that I chose for my daughter had some AWESOME intelligent older single mothers!
Motherhood can be very lonely, I have found. This go around, obviously I am 10 years older and in a different location - but this time around with a partner - so at least I get the shared bit, but it is still a bit of a feeling like a shag - but then I bumped into another older mother at the park recently, and her little one goes to care where mine does. Its almost like a new romance, the feeling you get when you meet a mum that you actually click with!!!
Posted 07 February 2013 - 04:07 PM
Same here although I am going to make a bigger effort to keeeeeep attending the playgroups rather than think 'stuff it' after 1-2 go's.
Posted 07 February 2013 - 04:50 PM
I am an older mum and SHP aged 44 (soon to be 45) with 2 DDs aged 2+10 months and 8 months.
I find it incredibly lonely and isolating at times.
My best "mummy" friend with a child the same age as DD1 is 10 years younger.
All the mums at DD1's pre school are at least 15 years younger.
I don't think that age is a problem in itself; more so finding common ground apart from a shared interest in parenting.
In any case, i'm used to being out of sync with my peers.
I dropped out of school whilst my friends continued their education. Spent 4 years travelling whilst they began working in their professions. Started uni in my late 20's when they were settling down with partners and having children. Married in my late 30's and had children in my early 40's when their kids had grown up.
The boredom and repetitiveness (ground hog day every day) gets to me more. I love playing with my children, but I hate household chores and errands.
I'm planning a return to part time work this year to alleviate the loneliness and boredom.
Posted 08 February 2013 - 12:56 PM
I was 40 when I had DD2 & thankfully I still had interaction with school mums where my DD1 & DS went, but none of them had babies so I felt restrictive on what I could do with them.
Now one of those mums is pregnant & I look back & think that was me at the same age & I wonder how she will go when the baby comes.
But happily I am well past that stage of my life & happy with their ages now & am glad to be done with babies & not wanting any more.
Posted 19 February 2013 - 11:02 PM
My bubs Emmy is our 5th and a huge surprise at 42... My children are DS14,DS12, DS11, DD4,DD8 weeks..DH is 43..I have friends of all ages but don't really have friends my age group with babies, and they are glad it's me and not them with a baby
it has been a big shock and Emmy has reflux which none of my others had, so that has been difficult because I get even less sleep than most mums with newborns..
I suggested an older mothers group to my MCHN because they have young mothers groups but nothing for the 40+ new mums/ mums again.. At least we wouldn't feel so alone and could support each other.. If anyone lives near each other here, maybe we could have a catch up with those who are close by.. Just a thought
Posted 20 February 2013 - 09:10 PM
I found the first few years of my daughter's life very lonely. I didn't have a mother's group and playgroup wasn't really my scene - they all seemed to know each other and the sky would fall down if you didn't take a long a plate of some homemade, organic, sugarfree whatevers for morning tea!
There was one group of friends who all had kids the same age, I caught up with them once a month, but none of them were local.
When my DD started at kindy, it was a blessing, and I made a couple of local friends, finally had coffee buddies! Some of our girls started dancing at the same place, so that helped too. DD's bestie goes to the same school as her now, and that was great, I made sure to join in as much as possible with school activites, and it's a great step from there to say to other mums "let's go and get a coffee".
That said, I do worry that this little one won't have much opportunity to meet kids the same age, I'm so busy with DD and her activities etc, and I also fear the fact that most other mums with babies will be some much younger.
Posted 20 February 2013 - 09:30 PM
One of my best friends and I have a huge age gap between us. We met after we both had babies (I was a young mum and she an older mum) and we developed a friendship pretty quickly. I don't think age is a major issue when it comes to forming friendships, as mums you can find some basic common grounds there. Join a playgroup or a local church or some other activities in your area.
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