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Those who have had an IVF Loss!
13 replies to this topic
Posted 29 January 2013 - 12:55 PM
Sorry if this isn't the right section -but I wanted to ask those who have been in the same boat as me with an early loss!
Just got the go ahead from the FS that when AF arrives I can go back into another full stim cycle!
I thought I was ok with it – but now I’m tearing up just thinking about having to do that first injection – but not when I think about the EPU and what not – it’s just that first injection which will start me on the roller coaster again.
What was it like for you getting back into it after a loss? I’m just wondering if it’s just that ‘first step’ and once I do it, I’ll be fine! I don’t want to do it if I start freaking out the whole way through it – and I know it’s down to me on whether I start or not, I just wanted to hear other’s stories on how they coped.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:36 PM
Oh Bwok Bwok, I'm so sorry for you, I was a silently lurker sending you my thoughts.
In answer to your question, I think I was a bit dazed at the time and for some reason felt really compelled to hurry up and be pregnant again. What followed was 4 back to back FETs. I didn't do another stim cycle until 5-6 months later.
But, having said that, when I do a FET cycle, those pee tests don't work so I have to go every 2nd day for bloods from about day 8 until ov.
The first day that I walked in for my bloods after the loss was the hardest but my lovely IVF nurse who had been with me all the way through was there to take the blood and I felt a little supported.
Perhaps you could have one of the nurses do the actual first one (injection), not to make a big thing of it, but for the support.
I wish you all the very best.
Edited by AmberNut, 29 January 2013 - 01:38 PM.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:43 PM
Hi bwok bwok
My condolcences as well. I was also a silent lurker to your story. After both our chemical pregnancy and then after a miscarriage, we jumped right back into back to back FETs (we didn't require another stim cycle). For us, doing another cycle was the only thing that made us feel better about our losses. I do tend to think that once you get into it, you generally feel better as you're doing something productive about your situation. It really helped us put things behind us and focus on the future. And I think our 12 month old would agree we did the right thing - she was conceived very soon after the miscarriage! But this is a very personal thing, and if you are still extremely emotional about the situation and think you wouldn't cope with it as a 'positive step' then adding all those hormones into the mix is not going to improve the situation. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:45 PM
I was a zombie woman...
I went through the motions for about 4 FETS and then DP pulled the plug.
I'm only getting back in there now. And I'm still scared.
Do you take someone with you to your appointments? I really think that I should have - especially that first one.
I had a lovely nurse taking my blood in the hospital (live a long way from the clinic) who shared her IVF experience with me and let me have a little cry (cried with me in fact - Lord knows what the next person who walked in thought - they were getting a diabetic blood done!) it was extremely cathartic.
A hand to hold is very important
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:50 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss We had an early miscarriage after our second stim cycle (no frosties) so I can't imagine how hard it would have been having a heartbeat and some hope. hugs to you.
I actually waited a little bit I think the miscarriage was around July, and did the 3rd stim cycle in September. We met with our FS and changed protocol slightly, including utilising new technology (high digital sperm magnification) so we felt like we were doing something more. I actually found a new job in between those cycles, and did the stim/transfer in the middle of leaving the first job and starting the new one. DH found a new job, too. For us it helped to focus on something other than IVF. Because I always needed to take the pill to get AF, we were free to choose when to start.
Only you will know when it is the right time. I was happy to have the emotional (and physical) break before starting the next cycle, and it was definitely gut wrenching having that first injection. DH and I went out for dinner and had a couple of beers before it, put a happy spin on it. And once we'd started, I felt in a much better frame of mind. It helped that I wasn't working and had a new job to look forward to - perhaps having something else besides TTC to focus on can help with any anxiety, maybe planning a holiday, or buying something new for the house.
Best of luck, I really hope the next one is the one. x
Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:08 PM
** m/c and preg mentioned **
Bwok bwok, I am so very sorry for your loss. It completely sucks, it really does.
I did 9 stim cycles with chem pg on cycle 1, BFP with m/c at 5w6d on cycle 3 and BFP with m/c at 8w4d on cycle 8. The m/c at 8w4d was especially hard as things looked so positive with great hcg levels etc except the heartbeat was too slow and it succumbed.
Personally, I just kept going with back to back cycles. My age and a low ovarian reserve meant I didn't feel I had the time to pause. I kept asking myself which was worse...the pain of kicking off yet another stim cycle or not achieving a sticky pregnancy. To me, the alternative of not cycling was worse, so I did another.
I felt like i had invested so much up till that point, i couldn't stop. I told my FS I thought IVF is a bit like playing the pokies as you keep inserting the coins (emotionally, physically and financially) hoping for the big pay off.
I agree with vswannie in that I at least felt like I was doing something positive to help reach the end goal. And also with countrymel - lean on your partner and your family/friends if you can. I did IVF on my own (using donor sperm) and I think it would have been a huge help to have more support.
As a postscript, my 9th cycle was successful (only yielded 1 usable egg which thankfully fertilised, made it to blast and stuck).
It's such a personal decision, and only you will know if you are ready.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:10 PM
I can understand your fear. I've been in the same situation.
I endured several losses during my 6 years of IVF. At first they were emotionally difficult to deal with, mostly just because I was grieving. But just like alot of ladies (IVF or not) all I wanted to do through that grief is get pregnant again so in an odd way it was easier to focus on the next cycle instead of my grief.
By the 3rd or 4th loss I sort of snapped out of that and my grief became more anger. I changed more into sheer determination to 'make it work' mode and suppressed my grief entirely (or so I thought).
At that point, I suffered a cervical ectopic pregnacy which came very close to killing me. Throughout the months of treatment and recovery for that I thought I was dealing with the trauma and loss in the same manner but, the reality was that I was feeling much the same as you describe OP. In a nutshell, I was terrified. Terrified of yet another IVF cycle not working. Terrified of yet more complications (I'm a poor responder to-boot) and even more terrified that it WOULD work and I would lose another baby again...or worse.
I was an emotional wreck through that entire cycle but that isnt to say I didnt want to continue with it. I still wanted to be a mother so I had no choice. Didnt make it any easier but my body had just decided it was time I faced my feelings so I just had to let it all out and keep going...one step at a time. Oddly, that cylce, for me, became more about working through my feelings than it did about 'making it work' and it many ways it was cathartic.
In hindsight, my reaction was, and is, a perfectly normal and rational reaction to 'a trauma'. Not that i'm a psychologist in any way, shape or form, but it's not hard to conclude that my fear and stress about 'trying again' came from PTSD. Once i made that association, they somehow became easier to work through, understand and ultimately control again. But that's just me.
Only you can decide if you are ready, or even want, to move forward yet. But once you make that decision, there's no guarantee you'll feel better about doing it. You've just gotta take one step at a time.
OP, I just wanted you to know that there are other people out there who have experienced similar feelings to you and that your feelings are valid and normal. But, you will get through it and I can only send you my best wishes that you too get your happy ending to it all.
I sincerely wish you well with whatever you decide.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:18 PM
Im sorry for your loss. We lost 2 doing IVF. Both of ours were from FETs, so we didn't get to go straight back to injections. We did do 3 fresh cycles though. I hated starting again. to me it felt like when you play a computer game and you get so far through then your turn ends and you have to go back to the start. ugh frustrating. Nothing really helps but just getting it done and knowing you have another chance.
The only thing that helped us get through IVF was to remember that we had no control over it. We could eat well and exercise, but absolutly no way to force it to work. Not even the doctors could force it to work. We tried to live with a "whatever will be will be" type attitude. If you have faith in a higher power, lean on it.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:50 PM
Bwok bwok, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think I really have any answers on to cope as I'm going through the same thing myself. I miscarried in December at 11 weeks after a IVF PGD cycle and have no frosties so about to start a new stim cycle too. I know I got teary on the day I met with my FS to plan the new cycle and when I spoke with my FN and while I'm feeling ok at the moment I'm also worried how ill feel when I have to start the stims again. I think that the first will be the hardest and then I will feel like I'm on the way to hopefully getting a sticky BFP.
Good luck with your cycle and take a break if you think it would be beneficial emotionally. I'm glad I've having a two month break between D&C and starting a new stim cycle but its a very personal decision.
Edited by bree18, 29 January 2013 - 04:51 PM.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:21 PM
Bwok Bwok, I'm so sorry for your loss. You can see from my sig how my IVF journey has gone and only now (13 months after my m/c) am I getting gutsy enough to start again. It effects everyone differently and there's no right or wrong way about it. I agree with Countrymel that a hand to hold is a great comfort when getting back on the rollercoaster again. It's just so bloody hard and my fear is palpable when I start thinking about it. I just don't know if I can live through another m/c like that, but what's the alternative?? My longing for a baby always outweighs my fear.
BB, just do what you have to do to get through it all. If you need a wine or 2 each night while stimming then I say go for it. If you need chocolate or whatever it is, then I say stop worrying about trying to do the whole process "perfectly" and just find a way to make peace with IVF and just get through it.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:50 PM
Thank you all so much for posting - I really do appreciate it and I know it may have been difficult for some to think back to their losses.
I don't know when AF will be due, but I'm stabby today, so maybe in a few days?? and then I will see how I am mentally. I think it may be just nerves trying to get the better of me.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:57 PM
I've only recently started the IVF road but have had 4 miscarriages in the last year. I'm currently doing an IUI cycle. My first attempt at IVF left me with no frosties and I miscarried. I call it my 6k miscarriage.
I can't say I struggle with the decisions I make because I don't, I'm sad that my babies don't stick but medicated cycles make me feel like I have some control over what my body is doing.
I know I will keep doing this until I get pregnant with a baby I can keep and in between I will have the occasional cry about how unfair it all is, but I will keep going.
I just stay really focused on what I want and if I can't have a baby I will foster. I can't focus on my loses because it just makes me to sad.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:08 PM
I'm sorry for your loss BwokBwok.
We were on similar EPU/ transfer timetables last year. I had a shorter process to the end than you and I really felt for you over your weeks of uncertainty.
I had my cry at the time and then got on with Xmas and full-time work.
Started back for my next full stim (we never get frozen) still all ok (read:denial) then this morning while waiting in day surgery for EPU got a bit teary again- think it was just the drugs and waiting by myself.
I agree with the PPs- take a friend and def tell the nurses at the clinic if you're feeling anxious.
Mine tried to talk to me about it but I knocked them back (read: more denial).
I hope it's smooth sailing for us both this time round.
Posted 30 January 2013 - 10:10 AM
Again I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I know exactly where you are coming from on this. I guess that after our first loss at nearly 12 weeks I had 1 AF and then started the next stim cycle (never had a frostie yet). Again a BFP but had a sort of disconnection from this BFP I guess it was to protect myself. When we lost this one at 9 weeks I think that I just accepted it and moved on to try and find an answer as to what was going on. My third stim cycle to which I have just had EPU from was a hard one. I was put on a lot of different meds and have really struggled with.
I guess that we just look at it and say "well what choice do we have... It is this or nothing". Like the ladies above I am a poor responder and not getting any younger so continue on as quickly as we can with 1 AF between cycles. I try and look at the facts that we can get pregnant which is a lot more than some and just work on the keeping that way the next time.
I just focus on the next step and try to keep the what ifs in check. Control what you can control and try to accept what you cant. I think that is the only way that I have gotten through.
Good luck and I hope that things settle down for you and that this next cycle is your long lasting successful BFP!
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