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Does this sound like a friendship over?

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51 replies to this topic

#1 zande

Posted 29 January 2013 - 10:54 AM


Edited by zande, 29 January 2013 - 07:50 PM.

#2 bonnybabe

Posted 29 January 2013 - 10:59 AM

I would ask them over for a date about a month away, see if they are busy, or if they come.  If they don't come, or wait to see if they have better plans, then yep she is a fair weather friend and you have to decide if you are happy enough as it is, or if you just stop putting yourself out and just meet up when it suits the both of you.

#3 Ianthe

Posted 29 January 2013 - 10:59 AM

The first part about the busy life that I can understand. But when I got to the part about your DH doing that work for them I was shocked. Maybe she has a huge social circle so she can use people for their different skills?

#4 Jigsy 0308

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:02 AM

I have a similar situation. My advice - let it go. I was the one doing all the inviting and running around etc. Then one day recently I had a light bulb moment and realised all she was doing was taking from me constantly.

It seems you value the friendship more than she does.

#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:03 AM

It doesn't sound great. Especially if she never suggests a convenient time to catch up.

Kind of sound like a bunch of users.

#6 ~sydblue~

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:04 AM

Until sort of near the end I was thinking "Yeah I can get where the friend is coming from," simply because that is our life sometimes. We spend so much time on the kids, that sometimes we just have to say no to someone. No matter what the occasion.
However when I read the end about your DH doing the work for them, I thought "Drop the friendship or tell the friend how you are feeling and leave the ball in her court."

#7 Sassy Dingo

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:04 AM

Stop calling and see if she calls you.

#8 Fright bat

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:04 AM

Well, if you have few other friends, just 'letting her go' just makes you the loser, doesn't it?

What happened to talking to her about how you feel?

#9 solongsuckers

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:15 AM

QUOTE (AvadaKedavra @ 29/01/2013, 12:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, if you have few other friends, just 'letting her go' just makes you the loser, doesn't it?

What happened to talking to her about how you feel?

Freeing yourself of people that just use hardly makes you a loser. I'd rather have no friends than a bunch of crappy ones.

#10 chubbabub

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:16 AM

QUOTE (AvadaKedavra @ 29/01/2013, 12:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, if you have few other friends, just 'letting her go' just makes you the loser, doesn't it?

What happened to talking to her about how you feel?

Wow, that's a bit harsh. Just because she doesn't have a large social circle, doesn't mean she is the one to lose out. The so called friend, sounds to me like its all on her terms and a user to boot.

Op, I too would stop calling her and see if still contacts you, if she doesn't, you are probably better off seeing her only sporadically and on your terms, if at all. Good luck.

#11 **BOOM**

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:17 AM

Wow, I can't believe the last part.

Sounds to me that they have chewed you up and spat you out. They no longer need help with the Reno so no need to put that extra effort into your friendship.  

I agree with PP, don't contact her & wait to see if she contacts you. If she doesn't then there is your answer.  sad.gif

I feel for your DH, he must feel very used.   some people are unbelievable....

Do you guys need anything done around your place that your friends DH can help with. If so, maybe ask if he can help given that your DH did what he did for them....then see how they react to that.

Might be time to let go, move on & concentrate on friendships that are more of a two way street.

#12 CallMeFeral

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:21 AM

QUOTE (zande @ 29/01/2013, 11:54 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Does it sound like she's just not that into me?  cry1.gif

Yep. Sorry.

And that last bit with your DH working??? That's bizarre! I feel uncomfortable doing that even when the person is PAID to work - to behave like that for a freebie - sorry why do you want to know these people again???  ohmy.gif

#13 bakesgirls

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:29 AM

TBH, it sounds as though there was no real friendship to begin with. She only wanted to see you when it was convenient for her or she had nothing else to do.

It always amazes me how many people there are like this out there, yet they seem to have so many friends and a big social circle. When really they are not nice people and they are users.

If I were you OP, I'd just stop making an effort, if she calls and wants to see you decide from there what you want to do. If not, then at least you haven't wasted time on her.

#14 Peppery

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:35 AM

QUOTE (Sassy Dingo @ 29/01/2013, 12:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Stop calling and see if she calls you.

I was going to suggest this as well.

#15 opethmum

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:45 AM

Sorry but I think you have had your usefulness to her, your DH did their renovations and that what you were needed for and no she does not see you as useful any more. She is possibly a narcissist and you were buttered up and then some. Time to move on and pay no more attention to her, she is very rude and she has taken advantage of your kindness. You do not need people like that in your life.

So sorry. I do hope you can heal and move on and find a friend who values you as much as you do them.

#16 Leela321

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:53 AM

Sorry but she's just that into you.

#17 Peanut

Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:57 AM

I knew someone like that too OP, its really not nice when you realise that you've "outlived your usefulness".  sad.gif

As others have suggested, give it one last go and arrange a get together in a few weeks.  If you get the typical refusal, then I think you have your answer.  

#18 icekool

Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:26 PM

Just step back for a while and see how you feel, if you want to pursue the friendship. Some friendships take breaks and continue later one. Some go through cycles. If you do want to be her friend, don't let it go just yet.

#19 FloralArrangement

Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:49 PM

I would try again once more asking something like "oh well if you are busy on XYZ day then let me know when you are free and we'll catch up"

I did this with a couple of friends and we all moved on from each other. Or "We should catch up soon" and my response "That would be great" and never hearing from them again. I stopped investing in these friendships. The first one because we had become such different people, 2nd one because while she is a lovely person seems to stretch herself too far and doesn't get when she lets people down.

Your "friends" don't actually sound very nice and very much in the user category. Fancy getting a "friend" to do major reno's free of charge and not even doing work yourselves. That is really off OP.

Edited by FloralArrangement, 29 January 2013 - 01:50 PM.

#20 Liadan

Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:04 PM

QUOTE (AvadaKedavra @ 29/01/2013, 12:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, if you have few other friends, just 'letting her go' just makes you the loser, doesn't it?

What happened to talking to her about how you feel?

I'd rather be a loser with less friends, than a loser with friends who are users.

I'm not sure why ditching a "friend" who is a user would make the OP a "loser"..

Or maybe that is just your view? if a person doesn't have a lot of friends, they must be a loser. I suddenly feel like I'm back in highschool.

IMO, quality over quantity.

#21 Jax12

Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:23 PM

I also was empathising with your friend initially until I got to the last part.

I would definitely NOT do the, 'Just don't call and see what happens' advice a few PPs have suggested.  This is just going to stress you out and cause prolonged anxiety, who knows for how long.  I would choose a date/event a few weeks away and if she says she's busy talk to her about how you're feeling.  Say I really value our friendship and I know that life is busy, but we haven't seen each other for a long time and I'm really missing our catch ups.

I would then play it by ear.  See what she comes back with and decide how open you want to be about feeling like she's not that into you.  Hopefully she's not a terrible friend who has chewed you up and spat you out and you can move forward and be a bit happier.

If it were me I would need some closure before writing off the friendship so would definitely talk to her.  Perhaps an email if you're not confident saying it over the phone or in person.

Good luck with it.  It's awful when you feel a bit abandoned by someone you care about.

#22 Chchgirl

Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:24 PM

I also don't think ditching friends that aren't real makes you a loser. I feel free without toxic users in my life.

I lost most of our friends when my dh died, I heard from hardly anyone after his funeral. It has been more than six months. I have ditched ones that don't bother either.

I prefer a few real friends who mean more to me and I will be there for them as well..Life's too short.

I agree with PP's, stop calling and inviting and see what happens. It usually sorts the real ones out from the fakeys.

#23 epl0822

Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:25 PM

Why do you want such a person as your friend?

The part about renovation work is very revealing about what sort of a person she is.

#24 Milly Molly Mandy

Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:26 PM

I have a friend who for a few years would see at least 3-4 times a week, our kids went to preschool together, did swimming lessons together, we used to go walking together, and even better our husbands get along great.

Once our older kids went to school  (different schools) we found we were seeing less and less of each other.

Now here's the thing, we acknowledged this to each other, she has four kids, I have three, both of us have kids heavily involved in sport, she has a huge family. We both volunteer, both work part time, basically have busy lives.

Instead of cracking the sh*ts about this we have reassessed our friendship. We aren't as close as we used to be but chat every now and then and catch up as families 3 or 4 times a year. We have a Christmas tradition we make sure we do every year.

Talk to your friend, tell her you are sad your friendship has changed and that you want to retain some form of friendship, then at least if nothing changes at least you have tried.

I think EB is way too quick with the drop the b**ch sentiment

#25 Cath42

Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:28 PM

Two things stand out here to me. The first is the fact that these people live very close to you, but don't attend your kids' birthday parties because they "want to have family time". How does driving a few kilometres to drop a kid off at a birthday party, which is only going to go for a few hours, impact on "family time"? They can have "family time" before the party and afterwards. If you're going to make an excuse to give a birthday party a miss, you don't say, "Oh, we were just going to have family time that day". You may as well say, "I can't be bothered with your kid's party. I'd rather sit at home and watch paint dry."

Which brings me to the second thing: this renovation that your husband spent several weekends doing for them while they sat on their arses having a phat ol' time. These people were too stingy to pay a registered builder, so they allowed a friend to do it for nothing and then they didn't even do anthing to say thankyou??? Not even a few cartons of beer? And, worse, they said they were going to take you out for dinner to say thankyou, and then never followed through?

These people are users, plain and simple. Don't take it personally, because if they have a wide social circle they probably use quite a few of their 'friends'. They'll have plenty of form. You don't need a 'friend' like this. Honestly, I wouldn't even talk to her anymore. I'd wait for her to contact me - and she will when she wants something - and then I'd be polite but I'd also decline to do whatever she was asking me to do for her. And when she asked why - IF she asked why - I'd say, "Because we were going to have family time that day."

*Edited for spelling

Edited by Cath42, 29 January 2013 - 02:30 PM.

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