Jump to content

Would like #3 but DP says he's done
how do I get past this?


  • Please log in to reply
13 replies to this topic

#1 moosmum2

Posted 27 January 2013 - 05:47 PM

As the title says I'd dearly love to have #3 but DP says he's done & that's that. I'm completely devastated & not sure how to get past this. Obviously I don't want to make him do it & have him resent me & the baby if we did but can't help feeling like he's being a bit selfish.

How do I not let this eat me up inside & get past it? Has anyone else been in a similar situation, did your DP come round or did you just have to deal with it?



#2 MrsShine

Posted 27 January 2013 - 05:55 PM

Assuming you can't change his mind maybe this sentiment will help you:

A friend once told me that him & his wife were done with two & were never going to consider a third as he feels that you have one child per parent - so you only replace yourself and to not create extra strain or demand on the planet.

This has always stuck with me & I believe 2 will be DH & my magic number also original.gif

I know that doesn't help you deal with the obvious loss & sadness at never having a new bub again but hoped it might give you a different point of view to focus on.

Edited by MrsShine, 28 January 2013 - 03:48 PM.


#3 Jenferal

Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:01 PM

Wouldn't you be the one being selfish if you had the baby he doesn't want though?
I think children should be wanted by BOTH parties, from conception if possible(though I know plenty of people who did come around in the end, men especially).
Try and think what you can do with 2; more money, more time, less stress.
And if you had 3, would you want 4? or 5?
And having been the 3rd of 3 children,3 kids can SUCK! 2 gang up on one so often it's not funny(or maybe that was just my siblings?). There's always one left out it seems, only 2 parents to go around as well, as Mrs Shine said.
And I do think less use of our limited resources is a good thing.
And I think some parents(not just mothers) will always wonder about "What if.." no matter how many babies they have. I'm certain I'll only have 1, but I still wonder what life would be like if I'd chosen to have 2 or more.

good luck with finding peace, no matter what you end up choosing.

#4 moosmum2

Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:22 PM

You're right Jenflea & it is selfish on my part too.  We had discussed 3 & I assumed that's how our family would be. I know how blessed we are to have our beautiful 2 kids & I adore them. Just can't shake the feeling our family isn't quite complete.  Maybe I just needed a little vent as it's not really something you can talk about openly.

MrsShine you've got a great point & that's one of his reasonings too.

Thanks ladies.

#5 Jenferal

Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:39 PM

Another thing...
How old is your youngest child? maybe a year or 2 break might soften him up a bit OR make settle your mind that 2's enough.
He may well be worried about mo0ney, or his age as well. Time may be the decider either way.

#6 Nanns

Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:55 PM

Ask yourself, why do you really want another? What is it that you believe that 3rd child will bring?

We went for a third and got twins. Hardest thing I have ever done. It is always a possibility

I love my kids but given the choice, I probably would have just travelled the world single : )

#7 moosmum2

Posted 27 January 2013 - 08:02 PM

Youngest is 1.
You all make good points thank you.

Naans - twins on both sides so def possibility too. I imagine your days are never dull!

I guess I look at all the good things a 3rd could bring both to us & our other 2 - more cuddles, love, fun. Find it hard to explain but it's just something I've always known I'd do. Maybe I'm caught up in that rather that reality of how much harder it wld be.

#8 Ice Queen

Posted 28 January 2013 - 03:45 PM

As a person who has 2 kids and only wants 2 kids I can see you DH's point of view.  When DD as born I vaguely thought about 3 and we even discussed it.  Now that DS has come along, no way.  I cant even imagine it.  Seriously, I have no idea what I would do if I got pregnant again.

So that is from your DH's point of view.  It is a tough thing to get passed if it really isnt what you want.

We all make sacrifices and compromises in life for us, our kids, our partners, our careers even our friends for us all to be happy.  Maybe this is yours.

#9 Natttmumm

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:35 PM

I can see both sides. I always thought I'd have 3. DH deep down thought 2 but never really said that. When DD2 was around 18 mths we discussed it but DH was against it and I knew I had my hands full already so we left it.

When she was around 2.5 I thought I could do it all again, DH did take some time to decide and ended up agreeing although he would have been very happy with 2. The pregnancy has been tough on all of us and with a health scare at 12 weeks its been hard. If I had pushed D H into it I know he would resent me now and deep down blame me.
My point is if he's not up for it (and all that another baby brings - good and bad)I would say let it go even if that's hard to do. Personally I couldn't cope with out his total support.
I would just try to think of all the hard bits and know your relationship with your DH and current kids is more important. A third whilst delightful will add stress on everyone


#10 Lishyfips

Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:52 PM

I've been in a similar situation with my husband, with surprising consequences.
When my second child was around 18 months-two years old I really wanted another. My husband wasn't interested, said we were just getting our lives back to normal and could consider doing other things like travelling more. He was very involved in his career at that point, taking on a lot more responsibility. I was upset at the time but gradually got used to the idea.
Fast forward a few years, suddenly my husband changes his mind. Maybe because his old school friends are finally getting around to having their first babies, or maybe just because his memories of sleep deprivation have faded! Anyway, out of the blue he said he wanted to 'see what happens' and next thing you know I'm pregnant.
So the reason I'm sharing this is because although he says he's done now, your husband might change his mind once your other kids are a little older. Give him a bit more time for your lives to settle down and then drop the odd lighthearted hint so he knows you still want another baby (at least that's what I did)! Hope it works for you.

#11 envs

Posted 30 January 2013 - 03:26 PM

OP, I had a whole long story, but then figured you didn't need to hear it, so I'll just say,
both partners have to be invested, or there is going to be resentment. The kids are going to feel and witness the strain - emotionally, financially and socially.

And somewhere down the track, the truth will come out, and it will sting.

#12 moosmum2

Posted 31 January 2013 - 08:36 AM

Thank you ladies for all your replies, it really has helped me. Think I was a little emotional but all you've said has helped me with those feelings.

DP came to me & apologised for the way he handled our discussion about #3 & has asked if we can revisit in a few months time. So we will see what happens. In the meantime I am going to focus on my 2 gorgeous kids & keep watching them grow.

envs it sounds like you have had this experience first hand, I hope everything has worked out for you.



#13 EssentialBludger

Posted 31 January 2013 - 09:18 AM

About 2 years ago, I was desperate for number 3. DP was adamant he didn't want another (and still is).

I came around to his thinking eventually. I still have moments of cluckiness, but mostly I see a newborn or friends with more than 2 kids and think "glad that's not me".

We can do so much more with 2 than 3. And while finances are OK, our kids do a lot of dancing and extra curricular activities and go to a private school - things we wouldn't be able to afford if we had a third.

I'm also looking forward to traveling in the future. I've wanted to go to Disneyland since I was 5 years old, and it's looking to be achievable in the next couple of years! Another child would sent that dream back a good 6+ years, if affordable at all.

Mostly I'm just glad to have some independence back. No more broken sleep and nappies and DS will be at school next year and I can work longer hours and save a bit more money. It's also hard enough finding a babysitter for 2 when we want to go out, pretty sure none of our friends and family would want to look after 3. Tounge1.gif

Anyway, the point was the yearning went away for me and now I'm very content with life with 2. I'm pushing DP to get the snip. A bug change from 24 months ago when I was begging for a 3rd. original.gif

#14 samshine

Posted 31 January 2013 - 08:39 PM

OP, I had a similar experience to a PP.  I was keen for a 3rd from when my second was born, but DH wasnt.  Long story short, once I had given up and was enjoying the idea of 2, he changed his mind and we now have 3.

I agree that both parents have to be totally on board with any child, 1st, 3rd, or 7th.  Our 3rd has been HARD, and tbh, she has brought chaos; to our home life, to our mental health, to our marriage, to the family.  Don't get me wrong, she is very much adored and I can't imagine a world without her in it.  I love her and she's been worth every second. But it has been so very very hard.  If either one of us had been pressured or coerced into this I think it would have done serious damage to our marriage.

Good luck OP, you never know he might change his mind.  





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

An open letter to Tony Abbott: please salvage our super

We face financial ruin, but most of us don?t realise it. If we don?t act together to salvage our superannuation, I have no doubt the new GFC will be the Girls? Financial Crisis.

'I'm happy to know I'm changing lives': surrogate mum of two

I know that once the baby is born, I will focus on the gift I have given, and watch the parents with their new child. I can't wait for that day.

Birth trauma and the issue of informed consent

There is a perception that women should just be happy they have a healthy baby in their arms. But for women who experienced birth trauma, there's a lot more to it.

Tips for managing pollen allergies and hayfever

They're simple tips, but they can have a big impact on those who suffer from hayfever and pollen allergies.

Ada Nicodemou shares tribute to her stillborn baby

Just over one month since Ada Nicodemou and her husband lost their second son, the Home and Away star has shared a touching poem for her baby.

Mum causes stir breastfeeding on train

?To the woman breastfeeding her kid on the train. Seriously! On the train?" began the letter of complaint.

10 things they don?t tell you about being pregnant

As I slowly waddle my ever-changing pregnant body towards the finishing line of my due date, it?s becoming increasingly clear there are a lot of things they just don?t tell you about pregnancy.

Overcoming a fear of the dark

A toddler's fear of the dark is very normal, but there are ways parents can help children through this stage in their development.

Kids, TV and movies: how young is too young?

It seems you don't have to throw the TV and iPad out the window - it all boils down to moderation, supervision and interaction.

Video: Baby's first birthday is a special day for mum, too

?A baby?s first birthday is also mum?s first birthday.?

The day Supernanny came to tea

Prince William's favourite celebrity child trainer Jo Frost puts Bryony Gordon and her toddler through their paces.

Tales from the homefront

When you're at work you sort of assume that your house is basically just sitting there quietly doing nothing until you return. However, since spending my days at home, I've learned this couldn't be further from the truth.

The words I hated hearing as new mum

It was less than a week after my son was born that I first heard it - from my mother.

To the pharmacist who sold me baby formula

On the rare occasion I catch sight of you at school, or around town, I think back to our earliest exchange. I?m sure you have no recollection of it at all.

Babies may benefit from autism therapy

Children showing signs of autism don't usually receive early intervention until well into toddlerhood or later, but a new study suggests infants with symptoms of the developmental disorder might benefit from therapy from as early as six months.

Knatalye and Adeline born with an everlasting bond

Knatalye Hope and Adeline Faith are a lot like any other identical twin girls, but there is one dramatic difference: they're joined at the chest and shares several internal organs.

The question this dad wishes he'd asked his wife

I should have seen that my wife wasn't the same person I'd fallen in love with, but we were both too focused on simply trying to get by.

Why we should talk about the deaths of the Hunt children

The deaths are too horrible even to think about. Yet we owe it to the children - Fletcher, Mia and Phoebe Hunt - to think long and hard about it all.

Baby dies of meningococcal weeks after vaccine application denied

A six-month-old girl has died from meningococcal disease just weeks after an application for government funding of a vaccine for the most deadly strain of the virus was rejected.

Finding the right balance when playing with your kids

Being too involved in our children?s play and not allowing our kids enough free time for unstructured activities can mean our kids miss out on the value that play offers.

Creative DIY light shades

The Pop Light light shade comes in a flat pack already made - it's up to you to design it as you'd like.

The battle of iParenting versus imagination

Have we forgotten how to be imaginative, resourceful parents?

Why movement is so important for your baby's growth

Letting your child move as much as possible in the early years ? using all senses, engaging in the real world, preferably outside ? will help them grow up healthier, smarter, calmer and stronger.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

Losing yourself to motherhood

While watching your baby grow into a unique little person is exciting and wondrous, the intensity of meeting everyone else?s needs can ever so sneakily overtake your own needs for self-care.

Tearing during delivery: the facts

Almost all women will experience bruising, grazing or tearing after a vaginal birth. Depending on the degree of tearing, there are various treatments available.

6 tips for a day out with a baby and toddler

Outings can be lots of fun with the kids, but there are inevitable challenges. Here's some information about days out to help you be a little more prepared.

Why I invited a dozen people to watch my son's birth

I sent invitations on burgundy scrapbooking paper stamped with a field of poppies, and told each person why I wanted him or her there. I warned that there would be nudity.

Getting labour started: tips for a natural induction

When your baby?s due date comes and goes without so much as a pop - let alone a bang - it can be disheartening. Mums and a doula share their stories of natural inductions.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

That's my boy: a dad's diary of the first 4 months

Unbearable anxiety, unspeakable joy, constant exhaustion and bouts of frustration ... The many shocks of first-time fatherhood resound in a dad's diary of his son's early months.

One of the most important things a new mum can do

Finances may not be as cute as a newborn, but with many women?s working arrangements changing post-baby, monetary matters need attention too.

Baby survives five days alone

He lay with his mother for up to five days after she died of a suspected drug overdose - and survived.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Reader offer

2 FOR 1 TICKET OFFER

For Shopping, For Advice, For Baby & You. Enjoy a special day out with fabulous shopping from over 200 brands, leading parenting experts offering advice on a range of topics, and amazing children?s entertainment

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.