Would like #3 but DP says he's done
how do I get past this?
, Jan 27 2013 05:47 PM
13 replies to this topic
Posted 27 January 2013 - 05:47 PM
As the title says I'd dearly love to have #3 but DP says he's done & that's that. I'm completely devastated & not sure how to get past this. Obviously I don't want to make him do it & have him resent me & the baby if we did but can't help feeling like he's being a bit selfish.
How do I not let this eat me up inside & get past it? Has anyone else been in a similar situation, did your DP come round or did you just have to deal with it?
Posted 27 January 2013 - 05:55 PM
Assuming you can't change his mind maybe this sentiment will help you:
A friend once told me that him & his wife were done with two & were never going to consider a third as he feels that you have one child per parent - so you only replace yourself and to not create extra strain or demand on the planet.
This has always stuck with me & I believe 2 will be DH & my magic number also
I know that doesn't help you deal with the obvious loss & sadness at never having a new bub again but hoped it might give you a different point of view to focus on.
Edited by MrsShine, 28 January 2013 - 03:48 PM.
Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:01 PM
Wouldn't you be the one being selfish if you had the baby he doesn't want though?
I think children should be wanted by BOTH parties, from conception if possible(though I know plenty of people who did come around in the end, men especially).
Try and think what you can do with 2; more money, more time, less stress.
And if you had 3, would you want 4? or 5?
And having been the 3rd of 3 children,3 kids can SUCK! 2 gang up on one so often it's not funny(or maybe that was just my siblings?). There's always one left out it seems, only 2 parents to go around as well, as Mrs Shine said.
And I do think less use of our limited resources is a good thing.
And I think some parents(not just mothers) will always wonder about "What if.." no matter how many babies they have. I'm certain I'll only have 1, but I still wonder what life would be like if I'd chosen to have 2 or more.
good luck with finding peace, no matter what you end up choosing.
Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:22 PM
You're right Jenflea & it is selfish on my part too. We had discussed 3 & I assumed that's how our family would be. I know how blessed we are to have our beautiful 2 kids & I adore them. Just can't shake the feeling our family isn't quite complete. Maybe I just needed a little vent as it's not really something you can talk about openly.
MrsShine you've got a great point & that's one of his reasonings too.
Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:39 PM
How old is your youngest child? maybe a year or 2 break might soften him up a bit OR make settle your mind that 2's enough.
He may well be worried about mo0ney, or his age as well. Time may be the decider either way.
Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:55 PM
Ask yourself, why do you really want another? What is it that you believe that 3rd child will bring?
We went for a third and got twins. Hardest thing I have ever done. It is always a possibility
I love my kids but given the choice, I probably would have just travelled the world single : )
Posted 27 January 2013 - 08:02 PM
Youngest is 1.
You all make good points thank you.
Naans - twins on both sides so def possibility too. I imagine your days are never dull!
I guess I look at all the good things a 3rd could bring both to us & our other 2 - more cuddles, love, fun. Find it hard to explain but it's just something I've always known I'd do. Maybe I'm caught up in that rather that reality of how much harder it wld be.
Posted 28 January 2013 - 03:45 PM
As a person who has 2 kids and only wants 2 kids I can see you DH's point of view. When DD as born I vaguely thought about 3 and we even discussed it. Now that DS has come along, no way. I cant even imagine it. Seriously, I have no idea what I would do if I got pregnant again.
So that is from your DH's point of view. It is a tough thing to get passed if it really isnt what you want.
We all make sacrifices and compromises in life for us, our kids, our partners, our careers even our friends for us all to be happy. Maybe this is yours.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:35 PM
I can see both sides. I always thought I'd have 3. DH deep down thought 2 but never really said that. When DD2 was around 18 mths we discussed it but DH was against it and I knew I had my hands full already so we left it.
When she was around 2.5 I thought I could do it all again, DH did take some time to decide and ended up agreeing although he would have been very happy with 2. The pregnancy has been tough on all of us and with a health scare at 12 weeks its been hard. If I had pushed D H into it I know he would resent me now and deep down blame me.
My point is if he's not up for it (and all that another baby brings - good and bad)I would say let it go even if that's hard to do. Personally I couldn't cope with out his total support.
I would just try to think of all the hard bits and know your relationship with your DH and current kids is more important. A third whilst delightful will add stress on everyone
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:52 PM
I've been in a similar situation with my husband, with surprising consequences.
When my second child was around 18 months-two years old I really wanted another. My husband wasn't interested, said we were just getting our lives back to normal and could consider doing other things like travelling more. He was very involved in his career at that point, taking on a lot more responsibility. I was upset at the time but gradually got used to the idea.
Fast forward a few years, suddenly my husband changes his mind. Maybe because his old school friends are finally getting around to having their first babies, or maybe just because his memories of sleep deprivation have faded! Anyway, out of the blue he said he wanted to 'see what happens' and next thing you know I'm pregnant.
So the reason I'm sharing this is because although he says he's done now, your husband might change his mind once your other kids are a little older. Give him a bit more time for your lives to settle down and then drop the odd lighthearted hint so he knows you still want another baby (at least that's what I did)! Hope it works for you.
Posted 30 January 2013 - 03:26 PM
OP, I had a whole long story, but then figured you didn't need to hear it, so I'll just say,
both partners have to be invested, or there is going to be resentment. The kids are going to feel and witness the strain - emotionally, financially and socially.
And somewhere down the track, the truth will come out, and it will sting.
Posted 31 January 2013 - 08:36 AM
Thank you ladies for all your replies, it really has helped me. Think I was a little emotional but all you've said has helped me with those feelings.
DP came to me & apologised for the way he handled our discussion about #3 & has asked if we can revisit in a few months time. So we will see what happens. In the meantime I am going to focus on my 2 gorgeous kids & keep watching them grow.
envs it sounds like you have had this experience first hand, I hope everything has worked out for you.
Posted 31 January 2013 - 09:18 AM
About 2 years ago, I was desperate for number 3. DP was adamant he didn't want another (and still is).
I came around to his thinking eventually. I still have moments of cluckiness, but mostly I see a newborn or friends with more than 2 kids and think "glad that's not me".
We can do so much more with 2 than 3. And while finances are OK, our kids do a lot of dancing and extra curricular activities and go to a private school - things we wouldn't be able to afford if we had a third.
I'm also looking forward to traveling in the future. I've wanted to go to Disneyland since I was 5 years old, and it's looking to be achievable in the next couple of years! Another child would sent that dream back a good 6+ years, if affordable at all.
Mostly I'm just glad to have some independence back. No more broken sleep and nappies and DS will be at school next year and I can work longer hours and save a bit more money. It's also hard enough finding a babysitter for 2 when we want to go out, pretty sure none of our friends and family would want to look after 3.
Anyway, the point was the yearning went away for me and now I'm very content with life with 2. I'm pushing DP to get the snip. A bug change from 24 months ago when I was begging for a 3rd.
Posted 31 January 2013 - 08:39 PM
OP, I had a similar experience to a PP. I was keen for a 3rd from when my second was born, but DH wasnt. Long story short, once I had given up and was enjoying the idea of 2, he changed his mind and we now have 3.
I agree that both parents have to be totally on board with any child, 1st, 3rd, or 7th. Our 3rd has been HARD, and tbh, she has brought chaos; to our home life, to our mental health, to our marriage, to the family. Don't get me wrong, she is very much adored and I can't imagine a world without her in it. I love her and she's been worth every second. But it has been so very very hard. If either one of us had been pressured or coerced into this I think it would have done serious damage to our marriage.
Good luck OP, you never know he might change his mind.
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