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Valid to be a bit upset?


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#1 Impatientmummy

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:09 AM

My parents are down babysitting while we work this weekend (self employed), I dont have the best relationship with my mum but do with dad, now while the relationship between us isn't good I know she loves the kids & will look after them, maybe not how I want but I have come to realise I just need to look at it as spoiling & not understanding my way.
However yesterday they took the kids to the beach, DD is only 4 months so of course with us working so much this warm weather we haven't had a chance, it was her first beach experience! I'm a little sad that we didn't get to do it, I'm not going to go off at them or anything but dh thinks I'm over reacting & when I rang to talk through my feelings with him (which he is usually really good at) he made me feel like an idiot sad.gif I know I'll get over it with time as she wont remember it but I cant help that I feel a bit sad because we work so effing hard we missed out on a first with her.
So what do you think eb, am I being precious or is it valid to feel a little hurt at first given the circumstances?
ETA: Ok yes theres a bit more to it behind the work thing, we are selling because we miss so much with the kids that its just not fair on them anymore, so that maybe why its affected me even more because its another thing thanks to work I have missed sad.gif

Edited by Impatientmummy, 27 January 2013 - 10:10 AM.


#2 Sassenach2

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:13 AM

Your little 4 months old baby will not remember going to the beach without you. You will have many more times to do things with your baby when she gets older and she probably slept most of the time at the beach. When she gets to 4 and 5, that is the time they remember things from their childhood, so you have lots of lovely times ahead of you. Don't stress too much about what your mother is doing with your child, because as you say, she will look after her and she has already brought you up, so let her do it her way, it will not hurt at this age. bbighug.gif

#3 twinboys

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:16 AM

Missing out on your DD's first trip to the beach - Sorry but that is precious. They are helping you out and it was a hot day.

Being resentful that you are missing out on family time is not being precious though.

Hope that makes sense!

#4 HandsOnNewton

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:17 AM

A little bit precious yeah. I understand wanting to see your DD's "firsts", we all feel like that about our kids.
The thing is, though, that they are your DD's firsts. Not yours. Especially at this age, who is there with her is pretty unimportant. I know DH missed out on DS's first steps, but he (DS) was just so happy that he'd done it, and DH was happy to hear about it when he got home.
DS is heading off to kindy in two days, and I'm sure I'll miss out on heaps of firsts for him, but I just imagine how happy he'll be at doing new things for the first time and take myself out of the equation.

#5 ~sydblue~

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:18 AM

I think with her only 4mts old, you are overreacting a little.
The important time is when she is older and can actually enjoy it. Take her then, and she will remember it.

#6 Guest_LILLIANA1_*

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:19 AM

I don't think it's a valid reason to be upset - I think you are being a bit unfair on your Mum. I can, however, understand why you might have (irrational, IMO) feelings of resentment given your work situation and your not-great relationship with your Mum.

#7 EmAyEm

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:21 AM

I think that rates pretty low on the list of 'firsts' i would be worried about missing.

#8 FiveAus

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:22 AM

I never saw going to the beach as a "first" with the kids. It's just the beach, you will have fun with her there when she is older and can enjoy the waves and the sand. Make that your "first".

#9 Eirinn

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:22 AM

Sorry OP, I also think you are overreacting. Your parents did something lovely for you and your kids.

#10 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:23 AM

Nope totally precious! however it sounds like you are reacting to deeper feelings of missing out with the kids anyway.

#11 Peppery

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:23 AM

I returned to work when DD was 10 weeks old. I missed her rollover, crawl and walk for the first time. Even though she had done those things for half the neighbourhood before I saw, i would squeal with delight because it was the first time I saw. Didn't matter that she has already done it for others.


At 4 months old. She won't remember even being at the beach. The first time you take her will be just as special because it is your first together.

Edited by Peppery, 27 January 2013 - 10:24 AM.


#12 bakesgirls

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:25 AM

QUOTE
My parents are down babysitting while we work this weekend (self employed), I dont have the best relationship with my mum but do with dad, now while the relationship between us isn't good I know she loves the kids & will look after them, maybe not how I want but I have come to realise I just need to look at it as spoiling & not understanding my way.
However yesterday they took the kids to the beach, DD is only 4 months so of course with us working so much this warm weather we haven't had a chance, it was her first beach experience! I'm a little sad that we didn't get to do it, I'm not going to go off at them or anything but dh thinks I'm over reacting & when I rang to talk through my feelings with him (which he is usually really good at) he made me feel like an idiot  I know I'll get over it with time as she wont remember it but I cant help that I feel a bit sad because we work so effing hard we missed out on a first with her.

So what do you think eb, am I being precious or is it valid to feel a little hurt at first given the circumstances?


ETA: Ok yes theres a bit more to it behind the work thing, we are selling because we miss so much with the kids that its just not fair on them anymore, so that maybe why its affected me even more because its another thing thanks to work I have missed



I think you are overreacting. I also think you are being unfairly harsh on your Mum. Did you expect everyone to miss out on a day at the beach so your youngest wouldn't be there without you? TBH, I get the impression your mother can do nothing right, regardless of what it is.

Edited by bakesgirls, 27 January 2013 - 10:28 AM.


#13 NotBitzerMaloney

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:25 AM

To be honest, I suspect that if it was her first jam sandwhich (ie her first anything) it would be a problem for you. You resent your business for taking you away from your baby. Your parents seem to be the scapegoats. Sorry that probably sounds harsher than I intend, but yes, I do think you are being a bit silly/precious.





#14 Safety Queen

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:27 AM

i totally get it. We had aqwa , zoo, animal farm, beach as no go until we did it first  but thats because he is our first and maybe our last . Even though she wont remember it you will and although you can go again it i totally understand  being upset.  

I know some relative might think i am presious about things ( i dictate if DS can have desert or sweets etc,  or if i think we need to leave due to DS being tired etc) but hes my child so i will decide (DH 99% of the time agrees with me )

#15 9ferals

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:31 AM

It sounds as though your parents have gone out of their way to provide free babysitting for you, so I don't think you get to dictate what activities they do.
If you want to control what goes on while you're not there, I think you'd need to pay a nanny. But you still won't be able to stop your daughter developing when you aren't there, so I guess there will always be things you'll miss out on. I hope you can find a work situations that suits you better.

#16 erindiv

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:36 AM

I don't see going to the beach as significant 'first' but that's just me. I see the significant firsts as first steps, first smile, first laugh, first word.

FWIW I missed DS's 'first' trip to the beach because his dad took him (we are seperated). I didn't care, but maybe that's because I'm not a fan of the beach anyway.



#17 bluecardigans

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:44 AM

Totally irrational, yet totally understandable.  smile1.gif I have had numerous similar episodes over the years juggling motherhood and a career.

#18 Monket

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:44 AM

I think your children are incredibly lucky to have active grandparents involved in their lives and willing to do fun activities with them.  I get your disappointment but there are plenty of firsts for you to experience and the benefits of having loving grandparents far outweigh your disappointment at missing the beach.

#19 Dionysus

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:48 AM

QUOTE (NotBitzerMaloney @ 27/01/2013, 10:55 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To be honest, I suspect that if it was her first jam sandwhich (ie her first anything) it would be a problem for you. You resent your business for taking you away from your baby. Your parents seem to be the scapegoats. Sorry that probably sounds harsher than I intend, but yes, I do think you are being a bit silly/precious.




I am like what NBM describes here, though I try very hard to remember it's not my mum's fault!

I went back to work 0.8 FTE when DD was 4 months, and was FT by the time she was 14 months.  I feel like I miss a lot of first experiences as well as the milestones.

My mum is/was fanastic though and used to innocently say things like 'So, has DD said her first word yet?'  

If I said yes, mum said oh good, I look forward to hearing it.  And a few days later would say, Wow, Holly said bye bye.  

If I said no, mum would say, I am sure it will be soon.

Left me with absolutely no idea as to whether DD had actually 'talked' to her first!   LOL

Mum also has time to take her to the new playcafe, or the kids show at westfield, or buy her her first pair of jeans.  Or, dress her in a new outfit first...

All very insignificant, but if it all happens a lot, can build up to make you realise how much you are missing out on.

Remember that your mum is doing you a favour and trying to find things to amuse your child.  It is not her fault at all, simply your circumstances at the moment.

ETA: I always try to remember it's about DD though.  She loves all the things my mum does with her.  I can't take that away from her and insist she waits for when I am less busy to do those 'firsts'.  That's not fair to DD.

Edited by **Mel**, 27 January 2013 - 10:50 AM.


#20 bluecardigans

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:55 AM

QUOTE (**Mel** @ 27/01/2013, 11:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My mum is/was fanastic though and used to innocently say things like 'So, has DD said her first word yet?'  

If I said yes, mum said oh good, I look forward to hearing it.  And a few days later would say, Wow, Holly said bye bye.  

If I said no, mum would say, I am sure it will be soon.

Left me with absolutely no idea as to whether DD had actually 'talked' to her first!   .

What a legend!

#21 FeralZombieMum

Posted 27 January 2013 - 11:05 AM

I can kind of understand how you are feeling - but she is only 4 months old.

For me, part of the experience of their "first" is being able to watch their reaction. As she is 4 months old, she wouldn't have had much reaction. wink.gif

You've got plenty of more opportunities to see that reaction on her face - plus it will be so much better when she is a bit older and you can watch her walk up to the waves, hear her giggle at the excitement, and see her stare wide eyed at the sheer amount of water! original.gif

#22 I*Love*Christmas

Posted 27 January 2013 - 11:17 AM

A little precious sorry. I don't really count going to the beach for the first time as a milestone. I can't even remember the first time mine went there.

#23 -Emissary-

Posted 27 January 2013 - 11:34 AM

Totally and utterly precious.

Being a 4 months old baby, she wouldn't have experienced many things. Are you going to be upset every time someone experienced a "first" with her when you haven't yet?

Unless you're prepared to spend 24/7 with her and give up on your business and career, you're going to miss out on a lot of firsts.

I was like a bit like you. It used to upset me greatly when I realised I wasn't going to be around for many of DS's first. In fact, it got to the point where I don't even know when he started talking/walking etc. I think I caught his first steps but I'm not too sure. So really, I missed out on all significant firsts. It eventually came down to stop beating myself over it or give up on my study/career. I chose the first option.

I'm focusing more on things that he will remember now. Eg. his first two weeks of school. Things that both him and I will remember.

Edited by -Emissary-, 27 January 2013 - 11:34 AM.


#24 Diana_Barry

Posted 27 January 2013 - 11:47 AM

We happened to take DS to the beach when he was about 4 months old, but I don't consider it to be his first beach experience. That happened a whole year later when he was big enough to play in the water and feel the texture of the wet sand etc. it was a magical afternoon. Him sleeping in the Baby Bjorn while DP
& I walked on the beach when he was a tiny baby definitely doesn't count.

If it makes you feel any better, my DS rolled first when I was out of the room, said his first words at childcare, & started walking the first night of his life I had spent away from him for a uni function.

#25 treetree

Posted 27 January 2013 - 11:52 AM

If you're upset, then you're upset! You can't really choose to be upset or not. It wouldn't bother me, but that's just me, not you. Just put it in perspective and try to let it go. I get upset over stupid little things sometimes, but I just try not to over-react to others (just inside my own head!) Keeps the peace, and then when I do feel the need to voice my upset, people don't just assume I'm over-reacting.




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