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Difficult 'friendship'

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#1 bubzillaiscoming

Posted 27 January 2013 - 09:36 AM

In a nutshell I have a 'friend' who is in my life due to circumstance. We are very very different people. Some times when we catch up we will have a lovely time and I think that a real friendship is possibly developing, but then I will hear something or see something that reminds me quite clearly that we are not (I am embarrassed to even say these things but stuff like not adding me as a friend on FB, and not inviting me to her kitchen tea) These are things I would normally not care a jot about but when we see each other in the flesh she is very friendly and I think we are finally making headway, but obviously not. If it was just a question of her being from my friendship group, I would just walk away as it would be easier to not have someone in your life who makes you feel crappy. But this isn't the case and we will be seeing each other frequently over the years.

When we catch up I find myself babbling about myself and my life and giving away far too much info while she gives nothing - I am just desperate to fill the (uncomfortable) silences. This is soooo not like me!!

So my latest thinking is that I need to be the one to deal with this issue. It isn't the kind of situation where I could discuss the issue with her face to face (even though that is the type of person I am and the approach I like - get it all out on the table and be honest).


1) am I a nutcase for even spending this much time thinking about it?
2) anyone have any experience managing a situation like this?
3) I feel like I need to become more mature and secure within myself, but how to do so? I am in my 30s now, so like Bridget Jones need to become sensible and mature original.gif

This driving me nuts so any advice would be appreciated!! original.gif

#2 Kay1

Posted 27 January 2013 - 09:47 AM

Its a bit hard to comment without more detail.

Do you ask her lots of questions about herself? I am bad at this and so now I will actually think of some questions ahead of seeing someone otherwise in the moment I just go blank. This might help the awkward silences and get her talking about herself. Some people are just naturally very good at doing this and private about themselves and before you know it you've just talked about yourself and they haven't said much at all. You can try to even it up a bit but if she is a very private person it may not work.

What is the 'circumstance' that brings her into your life? Could this be why she doesn't include you in things? Trying to keep areas of her life separate. Eg. I have not included some people as friends on FB because they are DH's work friends who I have befriended and at one stage he was going through job issues and job hunting and I was afraid of saying something on FB that would get him into trouble. Now that he's moved on to a new job I am free to be real friends with those people.

Sometimes though this just happens. I have had a couple of friends that I just love and have such a good time with, feel very close to and then figure out they just don't feel the same way. Its hard but you just have to accept it and remove yourself emotionally a bit and see them as someone fun to catch up with but not expect anything more. There may well be something (or someone) that is causing her to keep her distance and its not really up to you to do anything about it.

Good luck.

#3 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 27 January 2013 - 09:56 AM

It sounds like she is just not that into you.... (said kindly)

Give it up, if she really wants to pursue the friendship then she will make an effort if not then there is your answer

#4 bubzillaiscoming

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:06 AM

Thanks to both of you. 3Keiki - she is definitely not into me LOL. I am under no illusion that under normal circumstances we would not be friends!

She is the wife of DHs best friend and so we often do things as family groups and she is as nice and pie and so I feel like the future will be easier, but as I said, then I realise this isn't the case. In the past she has made some quite nasty comments about where we live, food I have cooked when they were invited for dinner and so on. But I feel myself getting nervous before we catch up, my house has to be spotless, I have to look better than presentable and so on. It bothers me bc all my real friendships are so relaxed.

Kay1 - I do think of questions beforehand but she is very private and often thinks people are trying to find out info about her. EG when she moved house they only took small carloads to the new place so people wouldn't know their business  huh.gif we quickly run out of conversation so then I start the babbling. DH has agreed that she is very difficult and can be a bit b*tchy, but I think we have reached the stage now where I have to pull my socks up and deal with the situation as it is. Not just get stressed every time I see them!

PS And I know I am a loser re the FB thing but I know she has added some of her husband's friends who she doesn't like, so I feel like I am in the 'super unlike' category. Yes, I know I'm a twit!

Edited by bubzillaiscoming, 27 January 2013 - 10:09 AM.

#5 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:18 AM

Look this is obviously bothering you and in the little you have said it sounds like it is giving you a hit to your self esteem. Said with kindness agian.
SO here is what I think, she is making you feel uncomfortable and unhappy, she is not really making an effort to be your friend (facebook, kitchen tea etc) so tell you DH how you feel, tell him you have made every effort and snide comments etc are just bringing you down, tell DH to catch up with friend on this own, after all yes his best but not a family issue adn I dont' see the point in dragging yourself down kowtowing to someone who sounds like a right b**ch adn frankly life is way to short - you sound like a lovely woman, surround yourself and your family with similar people, and don't think that if you have kids that same age etc it is nice to things as families as kids are stupid and at some point could quite possibly pick up on this womans attitude and narky comments, not a dynamic you want to modelling for your kids either...

#6 emma_jean

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:21 AM

I have been in a similar situation  and I was quite annoyed with myself  as I found myself trying to pursue a friendship with someone who was only ever interested inconsistently. I just became determined not to do it anymore. I guess be polite, but if you find yourself tempted to gush, find something else to do and work on being more comfortable with silence. I think once you are really aware of it, and admit, you will naturally avoid the behaviour. Even set it as a conscious goal to practise setting boundaries and maintaining self-respects, then when you see her you have the opportunity to build these skills. original.gif

#7 Berndt TÅ‘st

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:27 AM

Could your DH meet his mate at the pub or a cafe instead?

#8 bubzillaiscoming

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:29 AM

So sensible Ladies original.gif Thanks. This has been a semi vent as well.

Yes, 3K - DH knows how I feel and so they do a lot of things separately but we would catch up as families at least once a month. DH will say that I am being silly as I am obviously so much better than her (ahhh hubby original.gif) but that doesn't help me really. She did text me last weekend and asked us to catch up for dinner (I nearly fell over from shock) but we said no as I just wanted to relax with DH and didn't want the stress! But I feel a bit guilty for saying no...

I think you are right too Emma, I just need to make an obvious effort to not bend over backwards and change MY behaviour as I have no control over hers.

#9 CharlotteSometimes

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:31 AM

I agree with everything 3Keiki has said so far.

If it was me in your situation, I wouldn't be trying to 'force' a friendship with this woman in any way shape or form.  I would be polite to her when circumstances bring you together, as she is the wife of your DH's best friend, but I wouldn't go out of my way to organise catch ups, etc.  Nor would I care that she hasn't added me to FB.

Also I have found over the years that true friends don't make rude/snide comments about your or your personal situation, nor do I feel any 'pressure' to be anyone other than myself when I catch up with them.  So this woman doesn't sound like someone that I would want to be close friends with anyway.

#10 BlueUnicorn

Posted 27 January 2013 - 10:52 AM

I agree that you should be polite and leave it at that.  Make a conscious decision before you see her to be polite, ask a few polite questions about the kids/ husband but don't give her any personal information.  You might find she will become more forth coming if you don't seem as 'full on' but at least it won't take all your energy worrying about it.  It may be that she is 'painfully aware' of the awkward friendship between you two also?  

I do think its extreamly rude to make negative comments about someone's house/ living etc but that's a reflection on her, not you. Eg Maybe she's insecure and needs to negatise you to make herself feel better?

#11 icekool

Posted 27 January 2013 - 12:18 PM

QUOTE (bubzillaiscoming @ 27/01/2013, 10:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
1) am I a nutcase for even spending this much time thinking about it?
2) anyone have any experience managing a situation like this?
3) I feel like I need to become more mature and secure within myself, but how to do so? I am in my 30s now, so like Bridget Jones need to become sensible and mature original.gif

This driving me nuts so any advice would be appreciated!! original.gif

Yes, been in a very similar situation

Reply to
1. I don't think you are a nutcase for thinking about this but it is bothering you, hence that is why you are thinking about it. Your instincts are telling you this friendship is NOT what you want. Something is making you uncomfortable. You are pushing yourself too much to be friends with her and obviously she wasn't returning the favor.
2. I was in a similar situation but she didn't have a kitchen party. Anyhoo, one day I pretended I was busy A LOT. Like too much to catch up but truthfully I really am with 3 kids. Then I realised what the friendship (if that was really about). The friend was selfish and just freaking boring and I am annoyed I bothered with her. Everything has to run its course and it came to an end for me. I was happy to step back and see it for what it was. I have no regrets releasing our friendship. Looking back now, she seems to be a fair weathered "friend".
3. Maturity will come with experience. original.gif trust yourself and get to know yourself.

FWIW, I haven't added many people I would really like to on FB. I am hardly on FB and when I am, I am bombarded with silly ads like "Meet singles your age", with a picture a male looking old like my dad! And my FB status is clearly marked "Married to DH"  rolleyes.gif
Making negative comments about me or my family is a definite no no and I will toss whoever you are to the curb!
Also, I don't really like one of DH's bff's wife. No way will I make the effort to befriend her. But I am obvious like that, I am too lazy to lie.

Hope you feel better about it.

#12 HRH Countrymel

Posted 27 January 2013 - 12:28 PM

In these situations I am sweet, charming, have a hide made of rhinoceros skin to let the attempted barbs slide off, smile my way through - be extra charming to the poor spouse who has to live with it all the time.. and look forward to a good old venting session with my real friends who will be able to laugh it all off with me later on.

She isn't in to you, you aren't into her - look at it like school or a workmate... you've been thrown together through circumstance beyond your control and you are just going to have to rely on good old fashioned social skills to get you through.

You don't have to be friends - your husbands are friends, hopefully your children get along, you are merely acquaintances and that is fine.

#13 cinnabubble

Posted 27 January 2013 - 12:44 PM

Let the silences become really long. Don't fill them up. Own them. Take back the power.

Also, tell your husband that you're not going to be available so much to spend time with them. Why should you be made to feel uncomfortable -- in your own home, no less! -- so he can see his friend. He's making you feel uncomfortable so he doesn't have to be, and that's selfish.

#14 Silly Sausages

Posted 27 January 2013 - 12:59 PM

Op, surely you are not that desperate for friends. I wouldn't bother with her. Friendships must be two ways and if it is only one person trying then it will never work. Do you really want to be her friend anyway given how she has treated you so far?

#15 LittleRB

Posted 27 January 2013 - 01:11 PM

You are not a nutcase. She is not your "friend". This is not a "friendship". You are acquaintances.

Do yourself a favour OP and don't make any effort with this one. The more you invest in something that isn't real, the more disappointed you will be. Be nice when you have to see her - it sounds like you can get along in a group situation if required. It also sounds like you are both making the effort to catch up with one another because of your partners, when neither of you really want to be there.

All this time spent with your non-friend could be spent enjoying yourself, with your kids or making friendships with people who are actually into you!

#16 belinda1976

Posted 27 January 2013 - 02:04 PM

I too agree what PP's have said.

I wouldn't try and make the friendship any more than what it is i.e I wouldn't be ringing her purposely to catch up.  Naturally when you see each other at social events etc be nice and your usual self but your comments about her making those rude comments at your house is a bit mean of her.  Do you really want to be good friend with someone like that.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, focus on the real friendships you have.

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