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#1 Just_Keep_Swimming

Posted 26 January 2013 - 05:24 PM

Good afternoon Ladies,

I hope your weekend has been good.

I was just curious on your opinions. I have a best friend who I basically classify as my sister as we have known each other since 1 years old (she was my neighbour).

She is the God Mother of DS.

1st problem is: DS turned 2 on Tuesday. She completely forgot about and I have not heard from her for a couple of weeks now except for a txt msg which was completely random about herself.

2nd problem: We have done NYE every year together for as far as I can remember. This year we had both not planned anything. So a week prior to this NYE I asked her if she wanted to come over to my place as we had some  mutual friends taking a trip up from Melbourne and a few of DH's friends were also coming over. She replied, Yeah I am having a party at my friends place, I was going to invite you but I forgot. I was upset by that. Can you please tell me if am I over thinking this. Though I am upset, I want to believe she really did forget and not make a mountain over a molehill.

There are a few other problems that I will not go further into.

I understand that when you have children, your friendships do a turn and you kind of slowly move apart from your friends that do not have kids and you become closer to people that do.

Am I just being a b*#^h and over thinking all of this? Should I just talk to her and explain how I am feeling? I really do not want this friendship to disappear because I have a child and she does not, not only because she is the God Mother to DS but because I really value this friendship.

Thanks ladies for thoughts :-)




#2 kadoodle

Posted 26 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

This happened with my bestie.

Once she settled down and produced her own spawn we drifted back closer again.

#3 Guest_LILLIANA1_*

Posted 26 January 2013 - 05:53 PM

It is hard to say if you're overthinking it without knowing her and you and without knowing about your relationship. In other words, I think it is entirely dependent on the context. I have some friends who are just a bit vague / ditsy / forgetful and these things would mean nothing at all if they did them. But coming from another person, these might be passive aggressive acts.

Maybe give it some time and you might gain a bit of objectivity and figure it out for yourself. Or do you have a mutual friend who you could discuss this with, who might be able to advise you?

#4 RCTP

Posted 26 January 2013 - 05:58 PM

I think you should ask her if she is ok?

I have friends, and I tend to do this myself too, who sort of shy away from others when they feel crap.
As if they don't want to burden you with their load or get their head around how they are going to cope first.

So my first question would be to see if everything is ok in her world.

The NYE thing may be down to her not having kids but missing the birthday sounds more like she had something on her mind that preoccupied her.
She will probably be mortified she missed it.

Good luck - some friends are just worth sticking with through thick and thin and only you can make that call.

#5 Julie3Girls

Posted 26 January 2013 - 06:08 PM

I'd be guessing a bit of natural drift, with your lives having a different focus at the moment.  Maybe there is stuff going on in her life, but she doesn't think you would be interested, as you have a child?

Other people's kids birthdays do tend to be easy to forget. I wouldn't be particularly hurt by that.

Do you spend any time with her without your ds? I'd maybe try and spend time with her, and not worry too much about things like forgotten birthdays. Make the effort to hold onto the friendship, but accept for a little while, it might be a bit different, not quite as close.

#6 Agnodice the Feral

Posted 26 January 2013 - 06:16 PM

So you organized stuff for NYE and added her as an afterthought, and are miffed that she did the same?

As for remembering kids birthdays - I know some people take the whole godparent thing seriously and others don't... But I don't expect even my best friends to remember my kids birthdays (hell, I still forget my second sons as he was born a day off his due date and I can never remember which day he actually emerged!). If its important to you, just remind her next time!

#7 Just_Keep_Swimming

Posted 26 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

QUOTE (LILLIANA1 @ 26/01/2013, 06:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It is hard to say if you're overthinking it without knowing her and you and without knowing about your relationship. In other words, I think it is entirely dependent on the context. I have some friends who are just a bit vague / ditsy / forgetful and these things would mean nothing at all if they did them. But coming from another person, these might be passive aggressive acts.

Maybe give it some time and you might gain a bit of objectivity and figure it out for yourself. Or do you have a mutual friend who you could discuss this with, who might be able to advise you?


Thanks, I know exactly what you are saying. I believe she is a bit vague/forgetful. I think time is probably a good thing for me to think things through a bit.

We do not have any real close mutual friends that would understand apart from my sister. However, I did discuss this with her and she is bias towards me. That does not really help in this situation if you know what I mean :-)

QUOTE (RCTP @ 26/01/2013, 06:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you should ask her if she is ok?

I have friends, and I tend to do this myself too, who sort of shy away from others when they feel crap.
As if they don't want to burden you with their load or get their head around how they are going to cope first.

So my first question would be to see if everything is ok in her world.

The NYE thing may be down to her not having kids but missing the birthday sounds more like she had something on her mind that preoccupied her.
She will probably be mortified she missed it.

Good luck - some friends are just worth sticking with through thick and thin and only you can make that call.


That is a good point. I may just ask her if she is OK. I am not too sure if I should remind her that she forgot his birthday. I do not want to seem pushy if you know what I mean.
I definitely agree with what I bolded in your post. I definitely do not want to loose this friendship, I would just love to know what she is thinking.




#8 luke's mummu

Posted 26 January 2013 - 06:21 PM

Only 1 of my 4 best friends (all childless) makes any effort to remember my kid's birthdays. The other 3 will say happy birthday if I mention they are having a party etc, but make no effort, no cards, no present etc. At first I was hurt, but now I guess I am used to it. Childless friends (especially people that have fertility problems) have different priorities and often my kid's birthdays are very low on the list. Yes it does hurt a little though as several of my Mum's friends send my kids birthday presents.

#9 Just_Keep_Swimming

Posted 26 January 2013 - 06:29 PM

QUOTE (Julie3Girls @ 26/01/2013, 07:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd be guessing a bit of natural drift, with your lives having a different focus at the moment.  Maybe there is stuff going on in her life, but she doesn't think you would be interested, as you have a child?

Other people's kids birthdays do tend to be easy to forget. I wouldn't be particularly hurt by that.

Do you spend any time with her without your ds? I'd maybe try and spend time with her, and not worry too much about things like forgotten birthdays. Make the effort to hold onto the friendship, but accept for a little while, it might be a bit different, not quite as close.


You have a good point.

We do spend some one on one time together, Definitely not as often as I would have hoped as she also works and goes to uni. So time from her part is as limited as mine.
I am definitely going to hold onto the friendship. I just needed to know if I am over thinking some things.

QUOTE (AvadaKedavra @ 26/01/2013, 07:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So you organized stuff for NYE and added her as an afterthought, and are miffed that she did the same?


Actually she was not an after thought. I rang her straight after the mutual friends contacted me to advise they were heading up from Melbourne. DH's friends were organised after the conversation with her. So technically she was not an after thought.


#10 Bodacious Prime

Posted 26 January 2013 - 06:50 PM

I also think that perhaps you are over-thinking it.
Like you, my best friend and I were neighbours as infants and we've been best friends all our lives, that's 40 years!!! Our big sisters and our Mums have been best friends for about 48 years.
Friendships go through different stages, people come into our lives and leave again and of course there's lots of changes when kids come along, but the kind of friendship you have should rise above all these hiccups.
Just carry on as you always have. If you're hurt by her actions, take a deep breath and brush it off, or if you feel that you can't , then chat to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal in the context of a lifetime friendship.


#11 Mianta

Posted 26 January 2013 - 07:10 PM

I'm not sure if I missed whether or not she has kids or not? I'm guessing not?

Tbh, I do think you are over thinking it all. While it would be great that she remembered your child's birthday and invited you to the party straight away, maybe she just had a lot on her plate (work and uni stuff?) and just forgot about the birthday without meaning to offend you.

Also, if I didn't have kids, I probably would be more interested in spending NYE, at a party or event, that was geared more towards childless, somewhat responsibility free people, than hanging out with my friends with kids.

I have three kids now, so obviously, my preference has changed, but twelve years ago, my opinion was certainly different,  evn though I loved hanging out with "my friends with kids".

I would tell her that you miss and value her friendship, however I wouldn't read too much into her missing these events with you.

Life really does get away from all of us, at the best of times.

#12 Agnodice the Feral

Posted 26 January 2013 - 07:16 PM

QUOTE (Just_Keep_Swimming @ 26/01/2013, 07:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Actually she was not an after thought. I rang her straight after the mutual friends contacted me to advise they were heading up from Melbourne. DH's friends were organised after the conversation with her. So technically she was not an after thought.



Maybe she felt she was, though.

#13 Just_Keep_Swimming

Posted 26 January 2013 - 09:03 PM

QUOTE (Bodacious Prime @ 26/01/2013, 07:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I also think that perhaps you are over-thinking it.
Like you, my best friend and I were neighbours as infants and we've been best friends all our lives, that's 40 years!!! Our big sisters and our Mums have been best friends for about 48 years.
Friendships go through different stages, people come into our lives and leave again and of course there's lots of changes when kids come along, but the kind of friendship you have should rise above all these hiccups.
Just carry on as you always have. If you're hurt by her actions, take a deep breath and brush it off, or if you feel that you can't , then chat to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal in the context of a lifetime friendship.



QUOTE (Mianta @ 26/01/2013, 08:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not sure if I missed whether or not she has kids or not? I'm guessing not?

Tbh, I do think you are over thinking it all. While it would be great that she remembered your child's birthday and invited you to the party straight away, maybe she just had a lot on her plate (work and uni stuff?) and just forgot about the birthday without meaning to offend you.

Also, if I didn't have kids, I probably would be more interested in spending NYE, at a party or event, that was geared more towards childless, somewhat responsibility free people, than hanging out with my friends with kids.

I have three kids now, so obviously, my preference has changed, but twelve years ago, my opinion was certainly different,  evn though I loved hanging out with "my friends with kids".

I would tell her that you miss and value her friendship, however I wouldn't read too much into her missing these events with you.

Life really does get away from all of us, at the best of times.


Thanks ladies for your opinions. It is good to see views from other perspectives. I am definitely not going to cease this friendship. I value it too much. I was just feeling a little upset and needed some outside perspective which was great.


#14 twinboys

Posted 26 January 2013 - 09:12 PM

In regards to birthdays - is she any good at remembering yours?
I ask because I cannot remember birthdays of anyone except my immediate family.

I could not tell you the months or the day of my Grandfather's birthdays
I could not tell you the dates of my BFF's birthdays - I do know the months but not the actual days.
I couldn't even tell you when their kids birthdays are!!

Birthdays to me are not that important - Facebook has made it so much easier to be reminded though!!

#15 MooGuru

Posted 26 January 2013 - 11:06 PM

My BF and I drift in and out, she's a SAHM to a school aged DS who has never worked full time or at all for more than a few months at a time. I work full time in an emotionally demanding job and have never been a SAHM (ttc and step kids).. I think we both sometimes have unreaistic expectations of our relationship. Communicating and talking helped.

#16 José

Posted 27 January 2013 - 06:11 AM

Like others have said it depends on the person.  I have a good friend who just isn't into birthdays.  She doesn't really celebrate her own abd certainly doesn't want gifts or a fuss.  When she doesn't make a big deal of my birthday im fine with that.
Also many of my close friends started having kids before me. I really struggle to remember their birthdays.  I have to think about it in terms of other events eg just aftet October long weekend just before Xmas.   Im glad my friends didn't consider ditching me because I did not commit their kids birthday s to memory! !

#17 Just_Keep_Swimming

Posted 27 January 2013 - 06:49 AM

QUOTE (MooGuru @ 27/01/2013, 12:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My BF and I drift in and out, she's a SAHM to a school aged DS who has never worked full time or at all for more than a few months at a time. I work full time in an emotionally demanding job and have never been a SAHM (ttc and step kids).. I think we both sometimes have unreaistic expectations of our relationship. Communicating and talking helped.


I see what you are saying, the different lifestyles also play a huge part. Communication is the key.



#18 Just_Keep_Swimming

Posted 27 January 2013 - 06:53 AM

QUOTE (feliz6 @ 27/01/2013, 07:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Im glad my friends didn't consider ditching me because I did not commit their kids birthday s to memory! !


I never thought for a moment about ditching this friendship.  I value it too much. I don't think I said that in my post either. My reason for this post was to gain some outside perspective to see if I am over thinking about being hurt for the 2 reasons stated in the original post.

I apologise to anyone who thought that that was my intention.


#19 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:26 AM

Are you the first of you4 friends to have kids?

Do you remember other non-related kids birthdays withou5 prompting?

Some people use diaries and some people don't, the latter will forget things, especially 2nd birthdays as its only the 2nd time it's happened (sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, it's not meant to be).

As for NYE I agree with AK, plus NYE is IME one of those things people rarely commit to before the day, the young and fancy free want to have a good time, see the fireworks and ensure a kiss when the clock finishes chiming. The old and tied down (ie me) feel like it's amazing we stayed 6p til midnight and know we're going to regret it for the next 3 days laughing2.gif

Friendships change a bit over time,  have a talk to her, a temporary lapse doesn't mean the end of things - try not to take it to heart.



#20 José

Posted 27 January 2013 - 07:47 AM

Hi OP. No apology was needed. Guess I was trying to say when I was childless- and a bit now too- I am not good at remembering the birth dates of friends kids.  Despite that I still cared for them and their friensship. No offence is intended.

#21 Just_Keep_Swimming

Posted 27 January 2013 - 01:43 PM

QUOTE (feliz6 @ 27/01/2013, 08:47 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hi OP. No apology was needed. Guess I was trying to say when I was childless- and a bit now too- I am not good at remembering the birth dates of friends kids.  Despite that I still cared for them and their friensship. No offence is intended.


Its all good, I was not offended. I just wanted to clarify that my intention was not to cease this friendship with her.  :-)

#22 ♥Rumpelstiltskin♥

Posted 27 January 2013 - 03:20 PM

Maybe you value the friendship more than she does....
Maybe it's time to move on ....

#23 Jigsy 0308

Posted 28 January 2013 - 02:21 PM

In my opinion, friendships run their course and eventually expire.

I recently ceased a decade long friendship with my BFF for many reasons, none of which I'll go into.

It's been a whole 4 weeks now with NO contact from her at all and I'm enjoying the peace and 'drama free' lifestyle.

Another friendship I have taken a huge step back from as this particular friend was a 'taker' and all I seemed to do was give and try to please. Then I woke up to what was going on.



Friendships - you get out as much as you put in.




#24 epl0822

Posted 28 January 2013 - 02:27 PM

I really don't think friends should be expected to remember your children's birthdays. My childless friends have their own lives and other priorities and realistically, not everyone is good with remembering birthdays.

If there are other minor issues that accumulated over time, talk to her, let her know how you feel.

#25 FeralSqueakyBee

Posted 28 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

Another person who's terrible with remembering dates here. I can usually remember my friends (just - sometimes with help from Facebook!) but I've also had years to at least commit to memory that they were born sometime in September.

With their kids, it's harder because it's so much more recent. I know two of them are sometime around June-July-ish, luckily they tend to post things about it in the lead up so I've been able to organise a present in time so far.

But I've honestly forgotten my own birthday before (seriously, I know the date but I forget that it's coming up) so it really isn't anything personal, and definitely doesn't mean that there is any lack of love for my friends or their children. I just find that number-related things tend to fall out of my head, and even writing it down hasn't seemed to help.

I had programmed reminders into my phone, but then it got stolen *facepalm* so now I have to figure out what they are so I can put them into my new phone.




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