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i think my partner has ADHD or Aspergers


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#1 Tessarose

Posted 25 January 2013 - 11:41 PM

hope i am posting this in the correct section.

long story short, i believe my partner has ADHD or even Aspergers.
we have been together for 8 years.
I love him, and i can not imagine my life without him.
i always suspected that he has some emotional issues, not sure how i came across of ADHD symptoms but when i was going through symptoms, i thought to myself, OMG this is it.

here are a couple of examples why i think he has it.

- he is    very impulsive. his behavior sometimes can be seen as very aggressive / rude.
-    fidgets all the time, he can not be still, he always has to do something with    his hands. picking nails etc.
- doesn't listen, always interrupts    others
- no patience!! at all!!!
- doesn't have many friends. can be sometimes very    rude without realising that he is super rude and that's not how to talk to    people. or just speaks his mind and say what he really thinks.
- likes to talk about his day and what he is about to do    or just did. sometimes he talks to himself, and sometimes he talks to me. likes to blurt out answers and doesnt listen to other people and    just likes to be heard.
- takes him ages to finish something. like small project at home.
-    normally he can not multitask. and in order to finish something he needs to    fully focus on one task. ei can not drive and change radio station or open    windows. only able to do it at the red light.
- can not control him emotions like anger or frustration (especially when playing PC games)
- he can never clean up after himself, very forgetful.
- i can give more examples, but thinking about his behavior makes me feel pretty sad.

if its not ADHD, i think it is something else. however the problem is that he will not do any counseling or will not see a psychiatrist for this.

couple of years ago when we broke up for a couple of months, i tried to get him to attend counseling with me, and he was extremely against it. i dont know how to bring it up, and if i do, he will just think i am nagging him or something.
he might listen to a GP, but i am unsure of how to get a GP to even suggest to see a psychologist.
his family cant really help us, as they are overseas and we dont talk to them often.

I should probably mention that we are expecting our first baby in a couple of months...

Edited by Tessarose, 25 January 2013 - 11:45 PM.


#2 Holidayromp

Posted 26 January 2013 - 08:40 AM

Oh dear - if he doesn't want to seek help then you cannot force him.  So you must take what you get at face value - can you put up with it long term?  Also because you are expecting a baby it is going to inject more stress into the relationship.

Did you pick up these things before you TTC?

It is a tricky situation because the fact you are asking questions on this page means that there are issues developing.

Also the fact that you broke up a few years ago speaks volumes - there were issues back then.  Why did you get back with him if he is not going to seek help and even go so far as having a baby with him?

If it had been me a few years ago there would have been noone I would have got back with him until he sorted his own self out the fact that he didn't speaks volumes on how he regards your relationship.

#3 I'm Batman

Posted 26 January 2013 - 08:56 AM

Go to drs. get a refferal to a psychological pratice as they have the ability to diagnose and give medication.


Make sure he goes.

I would be at my wits end if my partner was still like that, it was important for our marriage that he was treated properly, I had enough.



#4 Cat People

Posted 26 January 2013 - 09:10 AM

Sorry OP but he just sounds like a big jerk to me.  I've known adults with those disorders and they were nothing like that.  Perhaps because they received help when they were younger.  But I don't see anything you have listed there that could be attributed to ADHD, or ASD.  Sure some things could fit, but the worse part of his behaviour just sounds like general d***head behaviour.

If he won't help himself, there isn't a lot you can do.  

If he's easily frustrated and  aggressive, it will probably only get worse when the baby comes as a new baby is a stressful time.  Sorry to be all 'doomsday' but you have to be realistic here.  It sounds like an awful situation to be in.  Speak to your GP about getting some counselling for yourself.  At least you will have a safe place to vent and the counsellor might be able to give you some tips.

#5 IamzFeralz

Posted 26 January 2013 - 11:23 AM

I have a son with ADHD and have spent a lot of time researching this condition, reading books on the subject from the library mainly.

Based on your description, I think its very worth checking out the possibility of ADHD with a psychologist.  Having an ongoing marriage/relationship problem is considered to be another possible symptom of ADHD as well, although not by itself.  It's also possible that your partner may have a look alike condition but a good professional would be able to distinguish between these for example picking up on ASD.

It sounds like it is impacting on both your lives in a major way and it sounds like you want to save your relationship.

You may be interested in a forum for adults in ADHD marriages ADHD Marriage.  It has lots of articles as well.

Edited by Henndigo, 26 January 2013 - 11:26 AM.


#6 overthehill

Posted 26 January 2013 - 11:28 AM

QUOTE (Holidayromp @ 26/01/2013, 09:40 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Oh dear - if he doesn't want to seek help then you cannot force him.  So you must take what you get at face value - can you put up with it long term?  Also because you are expecting a baby it is going to inject more stress into the relationship.  Did you pick up these things before you TTC?  It is a tricky situation because the fact you are asking questions on this page means that there are issues developing.  Also the fact that you broke up a few years ago speaks volumes - there were issues back then.  Why did you get back with him if he is not going to seek help and even go so far as having a baby with him?  If it had been me a few years ago there would have been noone I would have got back with him until he sorted his own self out the fact that he didn't speaks volumes on how he regards your relationship.
  
I don't think these comments are helpful to the OP, she is looking for helpful advice.

#7 misty85

Posted 26 January 2013 - 11:58 AM

It does sound like he may have ADHD.
My partner has just been diagnosed with ADHD and started taking his meds today. I have already noticed a difference.

I had been saying for years he might have it but no one would listen.

I read a post on her a few weeks ago about someone who's partner had ADHD and the impact it was having on their relationship. It could have been me writing it.
I was at the point that if his behaviour didnt change i would have to leave, I couldn't take much more. I told him this and explained what I had read about ADHD and that others had tried meds and councelling and they felt so much better for it.

I think me telling him i would leave and explaining the symptoms of ADHD and how his behavior fit with them gave him the kick up the bum he needed to get checked out. He also couldn't understand his behavior when i explained it to him so he knew there was something wrong.

He feels better already just having a diagnosis for why he is the way he is. Also with him starting to understand and take responsibility for his ADHD symptoms, it has helped our relationship.

Maybe try to get him to see how his behavior is not appropriate. It took me few months to get DF to see his behavior was not appropriate but he sees it now.

#8 Holidayromp

Posted 26 January 2013 - 12:08 PM

QUOTE (overthehill @ 26/01/2013, 12:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't think these comments are helpful to the OP, she is looking for helpful advice.


and it is not helpful that you pick holes in posters suggestions without offering any thing useful yourself.

Alot of it was food for thought for the OP and the knowledge that someone out there has reached out to her.

#9 Feral Nicety

Posted 26 January 2013 - 12:12 PM

HR if you think your post was helpful, it probably wasn't.

You blame her for taking him back and getting pregnant.  You blamed him for not realising he had issues and getting help before he came back and outright say his not knowing he needs help 'speaks volumes',

NO, no it doesn't.  Lacking insight into one's issues means one lacks insight, no more, no less.

OP to a certain extent you can ask and insist that he gets help if  your relationship is to continue.  That pathway means you have to commit to following through on leaving though if he feels there are no issues.

#10 baddmammajamma

Posted 26 January 2013 - 12:38 PM

QUOTE (Madame Protart @ 26/01/2013, 10:10 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Sorry OP but he just sounds like a big jerk to me.  I've known adults with those disorders and they were nothing like that.  Perhaps because they received help when they were younger. But I don't see anything you have listed there that could be attributed to ADHD, or ASD.  Sure some things could fit, but the worse part of his behaviour just sounds like general d***head behaviour.

I disagree.

My first impression, OP, when I read your list was the same as Hennigo's & misty85's impressions (we are all living with ADHD in our own families): certainly enough potential "red flags" to warrant concern.

Of course, none of us here is qualified to dx anything, but based on what you've shared, I can see why you think ADHD and related issues are worth exploring.

Common symptoms checklist
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/621.html

(In addition to the link that Henndigo provides, ADDitude magazine online, where I pulled the above article, has some great resources  -- lots of articles & links related to adult ADHD & relationships with a partner with ADHD).

Do you think your husband would be receptive if you shared your concerns and insist that he seek some professional support? What are you prepared to do if he says "No?"

I hope you are able to convince your husband to seek some help. I also with Madame Protart's suggestion that you might want to consider professional support for yourself.

Talking to his/your GP would be a good place to start. If you are willing to say where you are located (general area), perhaps some EBers who have adult ADHD or a partner with ADHD could recommend particularly effective professionals.

Good luck. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I hope everything works out for the best for your entire family.

Edited by baddmammajamma, 26 January 2013 - 12:39 PM.


#11 Mpjp is feral

Posted 26 January 2013 - 12:55 PM

My dad is autistic, and many of the traits you describe are shared by him. Personally I have struggled to delineate which behaviours are characteristics of his disorder, and which are just part of his personality. There was a thread here a while ago started by a woman whose dh had ( or she thought had, I can't remember) aspergers, and I know she was shot down for ascribing traits such as aggression to the disorder.
For me it would come down to will he get assistance or won't he? Once you know that then you can make YOUR decisions. Personally I couldn't be in a relationship like that, but I may be biased by witnessing my parents marriage. If you stay you need to accept him as he is, and get yourself some support, and learn strategies for dealing w him and keeping yourself sane (keeping in mind good psych's won't diagnose through a third person).
This of course, is assuming he's not neuro-typical, and that the traits you describe aren't just 'him'.




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