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#1 Pretty Wings

Posted 23 January 2013 - 03:25 PM

Well after a recent early miscarriage we are just about to begin trying again.

It seems a bit weird that after what has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me that I still feel a tad excited at the prospect of one day being pregnant - when I first miscarried that whole excitement seemed to just vanish overnight, so I am happy that I can feel slight excitement bubbling in me again.  Having said there is that level of fear that if I get pregnant again that I will miscarry again.  

It's funny that when we first started trying I was obsessed with making sure I was eating the right foods and not doing anything wrong that could harm a baby should I get pregnant and not know it in the first few weeks, I wanted to make sure that I was in tip top shape and eating everything right.  Even though I was conscious of this, it never occurred to me for a second that I would get pregnant and miscarry.  And when it happened...  my heart... for those that have been through this know... i swear my heart just broke.  It really broke.

The doctor was adament that I did nothing wrong, that these things happen - nature's way of saying something wasn't right.  No matter that he said that I will always hold something in me that I miscarried because of something I did. I will always hold that in me.

Now that we are going to begin trying again I really do hope I can keep my excitement up.  I don't want that fear to take over.  Even though I have a loving partner he doesn't understand, I can tell he doesn't.  It's hard because no-one else knows we are trying and because of this I can't talk to anyone about this situation, and at times I feel really alone.

Is anyone in a similar situation to me?  Or does anyone have any stories of hope for me - maybe if you have miscarried and then felt that same anxiety at trying again but went on to have a healthy pregnancy soon after?

#2 Spring Chickadee

Posted 23 January 2013 - 03:35 PM

Pregnancy and baby mentioned

I miscarried 3 times and can not begin to describe how anxious and depressed I was after the 3rd. I became totally obsessive to try and control every single variable (food, health etc)

I was then told I needed to take a break from TTC as the stress flipped out my thyroid. I had to force myself to learn to be calmer and less obessive. I also saw a psych to figure out how to do this and deal with the anger and sense of betrayal of my own body. I managed to sort myself out, get positive and try again. I also used some meds as i'd reached 3 losses.

that 'try again' is now a healthy 11 week old baby boy sleeping on my chest.  He is spectacular!

this last pregnancy was actually more relaxed then the previous one's from the start.

#3 kibou

Posted 23 January 2013 - 03:36 PM

Sorry for you loss NewDay.    

I too am just starting to TTC again after a loss in December. I'm now in my TWW. I'm  scared. I'm scared I won't be pregnant. I'm scared I wiill be and I'll loose it again. But at the same time I'm excited... In 12 days days time I could see that magical second line again.

I'm lucky that I have a really understanding DH, who to be honest was (and is) just as heartbroken. Have you tried to talk to him about it? May he wants to understand and just needs a little help to get there.

Remember above all, take care of yourself.

#4 Pretty Wings

Posted 24 January 2013 - 08:46 AM

Spring Chickadee - Congratulations on your baby boy, I really do love to hear hopeful stories such as yours original.gif

I have spoken to several doctors who seem to think that my problem is my anxiety/stress, which i agree.  But it's something in me and I don't know how to be any different.  I have always been an anxious person and it has amplified when we started ttc.

How did you learn to be calmer?  I've tried many things... but find that if I do get calm then I am calm for like an hour and then back to my old ways.  How do you get calm, and most importantly, how do you stay calm??  Particularly throughout your pregnancy when there are so many fears?

#5 Pretty Wings

Posted 24 January 2013 - 08:49 AM

Kibou - I have my fingers and toes crossed for you!

Good luck and wish you all the best for the next couple of weeks original.gif

#6 Spring Chickadee

Posted 24 January 2013 - 07:08 PM

I have spoken to several doctors who seem to think that my problem is my anxiety/stress, which i agree. But it's something in me and I don't know how to be any different. I have always been an anxious person and it has amplified when we started ttc.

How did you learn to be calmer? I've tried many things... but find that if I do get calm then I am calm for like an hour and then back to my old ways. How do you get calm, and most importantly, how do you stay calm?? Particularly throughout your pregnancy when there are so many fears?

Its so hard to learn not be be anxious and stressed as its only natural to feel that way after loosing your precious baby and being desperate to have a successful pregnancy. I really got myself to breaking point, I'd become obsessive (6+ hours online and book research per day for months) and was spending a fourtune between my FS, Endo and Naturopath. One thing I came accross in my research which i couldnt ignore is how the stress was indeed a contributing factor. It was not only setting off thyroid attacks but high cortisol levels lead to a much higher MC rate. those high levels off stress are not good for your hormones at all. It may be your bodies way of avoiding pregnancy under situations of war, famine etc.

So I cut back my online time significantly, stopped not making plans incase I got pregnant, started eating what I wanted to eat again, drinking a few wines without guilt and essentially living like I wasnt trying to get pregnant. I started being more than just a women desperate for a baby.

I went to a psychologist and really talked through the anger I felt. I HATED my body and how it had betrayed me. she really stirred me up to get really angry and upset to just get it out. She told me one day 'You need to deal with the fact that you may never have children naturally, and you will survive if that is the case' ....I was messed up after that session but after a few weeks dealing with that distant possibility and looking into backup plans I actually felt better. It's like I decided the worst case senario would not destroy me.

when I actually fell pregnant again I tried to keep myself busy and catch myself before getting worked up. I would listen to relaxing music and send good vibes to my baby. I did get worked up on a few occasions when I worried about some levels, but I regained my composure and returned to the calm place. I then had a calm remainder of the pregnancy and a beautiful calm birth (see my last topic). I am now a calm mum and love and enjoy the days with my baby boy. all the crying and lack of sleep and vomiit could never lessen how incredibly lucky I feel to have him- He is spectacular!

the great news is after 1 miscarriage your chances of a successful next pregnancy is still great, so hold your head up, be gentle with yourself and try to catch youself each time you feel yourself working yourself up.

#7 2puzzled

Posted 25 January 2013 - 06:52 AM

NewDay - there is a forum group here called TTC #1 after miscarriage and it has many of us who have been through what you are going through. Very sorry for your loss - it does make it hard, after all that excitement and happiness to experience the shock and sadness of miscarriage. Feel free to jump into that thread and read some experiences and share your own - you'll find plenty of support (and good news stories too!), to help you along. First thing is to stop feeling responsible though, because it is most likely is  definitely not something you have done or could have controlled. It's hard to have such a helpless feeling that you feel like you have to find a reason, to the point that you blame yourself. We've all been there I think. Chin up -  you can do this again and will have a successful pregnancy! Best wishes to you.

#8 2puzzled

Posted 25 January 2013 - 06:53 AM

Also - spring chickadee - congrats!! I just read your birth story. SO lovely. Very happy for you and your family.

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