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To find out or not to find out? *Updated*
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#1 monkeys mum

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:11 PM

So it's reached that milestone in my pregnancy, the morphology scan.... eek!

We have a divided house on whether we should find out. DP and DS want a surprise, DD and DS want to find out, I am the deciding factor. I am torn, I hate surprises, like really even as an adult I want to know what i have been bought by the kids for Christmas, or want to sneak a look at their Mothers day stall purchases. Now a surprise would be something new to me with the boys we found out. With DD I found out, ex didn't want to know, he got told when we broke up a few weeks before she was born, but this was totally different circumstances. So with every pregnancy we have had a 18/20wk surprise. This time it was DP that said how about not finding out.

My reasons for not knowing what to decide are, so we can be prepared, the usual clothes from the boys can be dug out, so can clothes from dd though there isnt many of them. We can also prepare DD if its a brother, she has wanted a sister since before DS2 came along, yes she gets its 50/50, but I know she would really love a sister. Also I can make boy or girl specific items as i crochet and sew, though obviously can do unisex. We can work out names, dp is so frustrating in this regard, girls name I have one i love, boys names dp hates all of the ones i love.

Sorry for the rambling but I just don't know what to do. Have you found out the gender in one pregnancy and not another?

Any advice for me? I really would love some to save me sitting up till dp gets home with my mind in over drive.

Edited by monkeys mum, 23 January 2013 - 01:19 PM.


#2 imamumto3

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:18 PM

we found out with ds because it was so obvious on the scan.  for dds we didn't find out.  I liked not knowing and being told at birth.  with ds delivery it was "it's a boy" and I almost felt like yeah, I know, so what.  with the girls it felt more special and  I was more emotional.

#3 bakesferalgirls

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:18 PM

I found out with all my pregnancies and loved knowing. So I'm in the find out camp. IMO, it's still a surprise when you find out, it's just a little earlier.

For me and my husband, it took nothing away from the birth. We were still excited to meet our daughters each and every time. To find out what they looked like, how big they were, any little quirks they may have. Just to meet the little person that you helped to create, it was no less exciting because we knew we were having girls.

EFS

Edited by bakesgirls, 22 January 2013 - 10:44 PM.


#4 R2B2

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:22 PM

We found out with all of ours. number 3 - being our last was meant to be a surprise, but i'm weak  grin.gif

I honestly think the biggest surprise is seeing what they look like!

#5 CallMeFeral

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:26 PM

I could never wait to find out. Anything I can possibly know about them before they arrive just makes me feel closer to them. TBH I think that's kind of when I start bonding.


#6 EmAyEm

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:29 PM

I've done one of each, and if I go for #3, i would opt to find out.

For me, the birth was so amazing and emotional that the gender of the baby was an afterthought really. DH was all excited pre-labour to be able to annouce the gender to me, but he forgot all about it when she actually arrived. I had to check for myself.

Finding out at the scan was exciting, and meant i could prepare and shop accordingly. I much prefered this option.

#7 cinnabubble

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:30 PM

We didn't find out either time. I don't care what people say, it ruins the surprise.

#8 Sunny003

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:34 PM

Sigh.

DS1 & DS2 we didn't find out. Loved the surprise, it was nice.

DD1, we found out. BUT, we were told boy. By two technicians, at the same time :0 they were certain it was a he LOL and out popped my little princess.

So I would opt for not finding out.

#9 againagain

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:35 PM

I have had 3, and we didn't find out at the scan with any of them. We tossed up finding out with #3 but didn't again. It's kind of cool to not know and wonder about it for the rest of the pregnancy, and as a PP said I just love the moments after they are born when you find out boy or girl.

Or with my first I completely forgot and was just checking out her face and talking to her for ages and then looked at the midwife and said "OMG what is it?" She said "Didn't you find out?" and then we were all laughing that I had completely forgotten to check, she had assumed that because I didn't look or ask right away I must have already known.

#10 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:35 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 22/01/2013, 10:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We didn't find out either time. I don't care what people say, it ruins the surprise.


This.

Besides, sonographers can and do get it wrong.

#11 CallMeFeral

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:41 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 22/01/2013, 10:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We didn't find out either time. I don't care what people say, it ruins the surprise.


laughing2.gif I think it MAKES the surprise!

QUOTE (Swahili @ 22/01/2013, 10:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This.

Besides, sonographers can and do get it wrong.


Sometimes. If you see them pee on screen, as we did, it's pretty certain Tounge1.gif

#12 NunSoFeral

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:44 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 22/01/2013, 09:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We didn't find out either time. I don't care what people say, it ruins the surprise.


Ditto for all our four.

Still remember first child, DP, overcome with tears, looked up at me and said "It's a BABY!!"

Ob came out and told my mum I had a boy and she asked him if he was sure.  

These kids are doomed.







#13 Justaduck

Posted 22 January 2013 - 10:01 PM

We were like this....DP wanted to know, I didn't initally.
When the time came around, I kept seeing cute things in either boys or girls (yes I know I could have gone neutral but this isn't for us.) I am a planner and wanted to have everything ready to go. I was having a c-sec so the doom & gloom stories told me that I would not want to leave the house for weeks (even though we went out first day out of hospital).

If we have another...we will find out again. If bub#2 is a boy, we will have a surprise for #3 as we will already have everything on hand.

I do not believe it "ruined the surprise". We got the sonographer to write it down on a piece of paper and seal it. We went to somewhere special and opened it there...just the two of us. We also had enough on our minds (DD was high risk for DS and we had no amnio) so at least we had one almost definite thing to focus on.

#14 monkeys mum

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:00 PM

Thanks for the replies. I am still so lost in what to do, my main focus though is preparing the kids. DD really has her heart set on a sister, and finding out DS2 was a boy at the scan totally made her forget she wanted a sister. DS1 also doesn't take change very well, it took him easily two months to accept that i was pregnant. Actually it could have been a bit longer as the past three weeks hes been telling total strangers when out shopping, and asking if i can eat this and that, and if its the baby making me sick.

Writing this though has made me think my one biggest reason for finding out was because i've endured hypermesis, with several hospital visits due to dehydration, and am currently in my third week of recurring migraines. So theres hasn't been much time for bonding or even enjoying the pregnancy like i did with the others, so finding out might help. But, then its definately our last, big surprise initially, and i wonder if i'll kick myself for finding out because once you know, you know.

Arghhhh this decisiom sucks!

#15 Jaffacakes

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:15 PM

We found out for #1 and #2 and to be honest I loved it: got to call bub by their name, buy pick/blue clothes etc. (I am very much a planner  biggrin.gif ). Anyway this time, DH and I thought we would try for a surprise (especially as we had one of each), I was trying to be really strong and DH kept changing his mind too, so in the end we got the sonographer to write it on a piece of paper (and no we haven't peeked at it ..... yet)

I actually think doing it this way took a little pressure off as we thought we HAD to make a decision on whether to find out or not be 19 weeks, whereas now we can find out any old time....

#16 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:17 PM

QUOTE (R2B2 @ 22/01/2013, 09:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We found out with all of ours. number 3 - being our last was meant to be a surprise, but i'm weak  grin.gif

I honestly think the biggest surprise is seeing what they look like!

same here, only we had 2.

It was still a surprise.  I still think it was one of the most special moments in my life, meeting my children for the first time, seeing their face, hands, feet, outside the ultrasound, finally.

With DD2, I was positive I was having a boy.  At the scan, they told me I was having a girl and I'll be honest, it took me a few days to get used to it.  I'm glad I found out halfway through my pregnancy than at the birth.  It would have been a huge shock then.

Edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne, 22 January 2013 - 11:18 PM.


#17 againagain

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:24 PM

QUOTE
i wonder if i'll kick myself for finding out because once you know, you know.


I have to say this is something that I always thought too! Once you know, you cannot UNknow (excuse the crappy English) but if you don't know, you can still find out.

If you're not 100% do what others have suggested and have it written down so you can be certain you want to know before you open it. No point pressuring yourself to decide by a certain date!

#18 **Xena**

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:27 PM

I found out with all mine. I mostly hated being pregnant and that midway surprise helped give me something else to be excited about and concentrate on during the long wait. I guess it helped make the baby 'more real' to me.

#19 mini mac

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:32 PM

It doesnt matter whether anyone is for or against finding out there are pros and cons to either way. You should stop stressing about it and just pick one and go with it. Your kids will be fine either way, the sex of the baby isn't going to stop the immediate impact a newborn will have on the whole household or change your family dynamics (at least initially anyway). The baby will have clothing either way, just have to sort it later or some of both incase for early days.

FWIW I personally would not find out. I loved DH knowing before me, and I've loved receiving that call/message/email when someone has had a baby and weve not known the sex.. It's just another level of surprise that in life we just don't get much anymore   wink.gif

#20 monkeys mum

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:48 PM

Mini Mac, actually the impact of the baby on the kids will be quite big, DS1 is most probably asd (we're going the slow testing route to make sure doagnosis is correct while he has ot), DD has adhd and anxiety issues. DS probably will be fine either way, DS2 will be too but I think DD will not be ok. I know this sounds ridiculous and if it was someone else reading this i would think wtf but DD has been in tears even discussing whether we will find out or not.

I just got off the phone to DP, with migraines and him working well over 50hours a week we haven't had a chance to talk just the two of us.

He said he thinks it will be best to find out, mainly due to DD but also as he said 'you've had a crappy few weeks and i think this will make your month'. So now the kids will get to announce to their Nan, pop and granma and get to suggest some names. Also pp's are right the surprise of seeing them at birth is awesome. Plus it will help me get more organised, if its a girl I can get rid of all of DS2's outgrown clothes.

Now I really can't wait, I guess i did want to know now!!

#21 baddmammajamma

Posted 22 January 2013 - 11:51 PM

QUOTE (monkeys mum @ 23/01/2013, 12:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks for the replies. I am still so lost in what to do, my main focus though is preparing the kids. DD really has her heart set on a sister, and finding out DS2 was a boy at the scan totally made her forget she wanted a sister. DS1 also doesn't take change very well, it took him easily two months to accept that i was pregnant.


QUOTE (monkeys mum @ 23/01/2013, 12:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks for the replies. I am still so lost in what to do, my main focus though is preparing the kids. DD really has her heart set on a sister, and finding out DS2 was a boy at the scan totally made her forget she wanted a sister. DS1 also doesn't take change very well, it took him easily two months to accept that i was pregnant.


It sounds like you could swing either way but that you have compelling reasons for your children to be well prepared for the new arrival.

If I were in your shoes with a "spectrummy kid" (wait a sec, I HAVE a spectrummy kid as well... but I'm not pregnant wink.gif ), I would be trying to prepare that child in particular as much as possible. And that means I would be finding out.

Good luck with your decision & with the rest of your pregnancy.

On a different note, I've never understood the "It ruins the surprise..." It's a SURPRISE whenever you find out. And if you've never found out early, how would you even know what it feels like to have the surprise ruined? wink.gif

#22 mini mac

Posted 23 January 2013 - 12:01 AM

QUOTE (monkeys mum @ 22/01/2013, 09:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Mini Mac, actually the impact of the baby on the kids will be quite big, DS1 is most probably asd (we're going the slow testing route to make sure doagnosis is correct while he has ot), DD has adhd and anxiety issues. DS probably will be fine either way, DS2 will be too but I think DD will not be ok. I know this sounds ridiculous and if it was someone else reading this i would think wtf but DD has been in tears even discussing whether we will find out or not.

I just got off the phone to DP, with migraines and him working well over 50hours a week we haven't had a chance to talk just the two of us.

He said he thinks it will be best to find out, mainly due to DD but also as he said 'you've had a crappy few weeks and i think this will make your month'. So now the kids will get to announce to their Nan, pop and granma and get to suggest some names. Also pp's are right the surprise of seeing them at birth is awesome. Plus it will help me get more organised, if its a girl I can get rid of all of DS2's outgrown clothes.

Now I really can't wait, I guess i did want to know now!!


Ah, ok. Makes sense. So maybe you really knew you wanted to know but wanted to be sure?? And it will be another weight off your mind, wondering what clothing you need out of storage or what to buy.

Have fun at your scan. Hope its what you want it to be. A baby would be great, wouldn't it? Oh, I crack myself up! biggrin.gif

#23 **Xena**

Posted 23 January 2013 - 12:03 AM

Have fun OP original.gif I still enjoy the surprise even if the surprise comes earlier than birth original.gif

You do realise we will need an update right?! biggrin.gif

ETA:
QUOTE
Have fun at your scan. Hope its what you want it to be. A baby would be great, wouldn't it? Oh, I crack myself up!


I took DS#1 to my scan for DS#2 and he got all excited and said "You're having a puppy. I think it's a puppy!! Luckily it turned out to be a baby boy instead laughing2.gif

Edited by **Xena**, 23 January 2013 - 12:05 AM.


#24 ~shannon~

Posted 23 January 2013 - 12:06 AM

I think all your reasons for finding out now are really relevant so I would choose the surprise at the scan, instead of the birth.

I wanted surprises at the end for my first two kids, but DH really wanted to know for DD1 so we found out, and then when we had the scan for DD2 we both kind of cheated and looked at the images later and guessed it was a girl!

I was adamant we would find out #3 at the scan because I also wanted to be prepared and DH couldn't stand waiting. I also didn't want negative comments after the birth if we ended up with three girls (which it appears we will have!)

#25 mini mac

Posted 23 January 2013 - 12:12 AM



I took DS#1 to my scan for DS#2 and he got all excited and said "You're having a puppy. I think it's a puppy!! Luckily it turned out to be a baby boy instead laughing2.gif
[/quote]

Bahahahaha! That is adorable. But very funny. 21st material right there.




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