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Being "under the thumb"

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#1 **BOOM**

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:10 PM

Unfortunately this is mainly said when a women is the controlling one in the relationship..and is usually said in a joking manner  sad.gif which isn't funny at all.

Yet we don't hear anyone say this when a women is being in a controlling relationship.

I say this as my BIL is in a 'controlling' relationship.  As I've heard "she wears the pants".

Double standards??

I just feel really sad for my BIL yet I've heard jokes made to him about the situation he is in. From both men and women.

Sorry if my post doesn't make that much sense, just thinking about this after a family get together yesterday & my BIL looks miserable, exhausted & greyed a lot. Yet all the poor guy got was jokes about him having to run after the kids all day & she sits back. Happens time and time again. Plus a lot of other stuff in their everyday life.  

I don't think you would ever hear someone say to a women in a controlling relationship that she is under the thumb.. Well I have only ever heard this being said to or about a male.

Or is that a lot of people don't see the controlling female so don't know how to handle the situation??

I just really feel for my BIL.  

I should add - I like my SIL, we get on well.  I do have an opinion on how she treats BIL but overall we get along when we see each other.


#2 erindiv

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:13 PM

I've only ever heard it to mean a controlling female.

It's really none of your business, anyway. He's a grown man.

#3 BeYOUtiful

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:21 PM

Being a man doesn't make it acceptable though. We wouldn't say she's a grown woman if the situation was reversed PP.

#4 Tranquille

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:21 PM

A power imbalance in any relationship is not healthy so I do feel for men and women who experience this.  I would not dismiss the situation as being none of your business as he is a grown man - sheesh imagine if that was said to a woman experiencing a similar power imbalance  ohmy.gif

#5 BetteBoop

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:25 PM

QUOTE (sophie-emily @ 21/01/2013, 09:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't think you would ever hear someone say to a women in a controlling relationship that she is under the thumb.. Well I have only ever heard this being said to or about a male.

I think society sees women being controlled by the male partner as the norm. They aren't funny. That's the natural order of things. So if a woman was being dominated by her husband, most people would just ignore it.

The flipside of this is that when a woman dominates a man it's funny because it's unnatural. Like a bird chasing a cat, it's amusing because the cat is the predator, not the prey.

If you think he's in genuine trouble though, ignore the jokes and talk to him. If you think it will make him uncomfortable, say something offhanded to let him know that you aren't comfortable with how he's treated.

He might appreciate knowing that someone is watching out for him and is there to listen if he needs it.

#6 erindiv

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:29 PM

QUOTE (~Jane05~ @ 21/01/2013, 10:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being a man doesn't make it acceptable though. We wouldn't say she's a grown woman if the situation was reversed PP.

I would. I'd say she's a grown woman, she has a voice.

Just to be clear, OP, are you talking about mere bossiness or serious abuse here? That's not on in any relationship (abuse, I mean). I'm presuming that you mean simple bossiness, in which case the BIL needs to stand up for himself.

#7 MAGS24

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:41 PM

I have only ever heard the "Under the Thumb" remark about a woman being the controlling party. My brother is also in a relationship where his wife is the "controlling" one in the relationship, but my brother doesn't seem to mind. Some guys like to be told what to do etc. How do you know that he is really unhappy? He might have just been tired the day of the get together, looking after the kids makes me grumpy and tired, and just looked unhappy.

#8 CallMeFeral

Posted 21 January 2013 - 10:42 PM

It's a phrase I've always hated. It seems to refer to any man in an equal relationship who actually takes into account his wife's opinion and input on issues, and pulls his weight - or more - around the house.
Whereas a woman who pulls more than her weight and listens to her husband is just a good wife.


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