Jump to content

I think I should mind my own business. Wdyt?


  • Please log in to reply
69 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:34 PM

Scenario is this. I am a casual acquaintance with someone (her DH is good friends with my DH so I only know her through my DH). I mostly interact with her through FB.

The wife is pushing for another child and her DH agreed to one under strict "conditions" and has stated numerous times that he doesn't want anymore children.  He has other kids to a past relationship and has told my DH that he is secretly going to get a vasectomy and not tell his wife.

Their relationship is very "different".

Would you tell he wife that:

A) the husband is planning a vasectomy or
B) if he has already had the vasectomy, that he had one and that's why she's not having any luck falling pregnant
C) say nothing and mind my own business.

I think I should mind my own business but when speaking to a third party, she thinks I should tell the wife. I don't feel like I know her well enough.

What do you think?

ETA: I also don't know the DH well enough to talk to him and my DH has told her DH that he thinks that's a sucky thing to do but that's about it.

Edited by Sunnycat, 21 January 2013 - 08:40 PM.


#2 **Xena**

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:37 PM

D) Smack the husband upside the head.

That's such a sticky one. Horrible thing to do to the person you are supposed to love! This is going to end badly if one day she wants fertility testing to find out why they aren't getting pregnant.

No idea what you should do though, just awkward. Why would he tell you and put you in his mess too! Sheeesh!!

Edited by **Xena**, 21 January 2013 - 08:38 PM.


#3 Fossy

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:41 PM

C mind your own business

#4 imamumto3

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:44 PM

I agree with pp, what happens when she wants testing to see why they can't fall pregnant.

do you think he may have been joking?

#5 handsfull

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:46 PM

Mind your own business.  Its their relationship and if he is going to be going behind her back then he can take the consequences when he finally comes clean to her.

No need for you or your DH to be involved.

#6 R2B2

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:46 PM

i'd probably ask him if his nuts are still feeling tender in front of his wife  dev (6).gif

on a serious note though, I have no idea. tricky one.

#7 erindiv

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:50 PM

I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think I'd probably do nothing, simply because I wouldn't know what to do. If anything, I'd casually message the wife one day, see if the whole babymaking thing came up and then say "Oh, DH said your DH had a vasectomy, I didn't realise you were trying."

#8 Wise Old Owl

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM

Sounds like a situation where there can be no winners sad.gif

#9 KatakaGeoGirl

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM

E. Keep out of it and then wait and see if she gets pregnant...

(Sorry... it was what first came to my head!)

Edited by Katakacpk, 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM.


#10 LambChop

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM

Not your business.

What a low life gutless things to do though... a*s*hole sad.gif

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:54 PM

I'm not going to be saying anything anyway but just interested to see what other people think original.gif

#12 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:54 PM

QUOTE (erindiv @ 21/01/2013, 09:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think I'd probably do nothing, simply because I wouldn't know what to do. If anything, I'd casually message the wife one day, see if the whole babymaking thing came up and then say "Oh, DH said your DH had a vasectomy, I didn't realise you were trying."


I think maybe something like this...
I think it is cruel of him to do this... the poor woman... I wouldn't be able to let it slide but that is just me (I am the biggest dibber dobber that way - have insisted friends come clean to partners re fidelity issues or addiction issues or I will out them myself.)

#13 erindiv

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:57 PM

Maybe ask yourself this: If you were in this woman's position, what would you prefer? To find out everybody knew but you and you had wasted your childbearing years on an a-hole? Or to be blissfully unaware, sitting there every evening wondering why you couldn't get pregnant? Or to find out, ditch the aforementioned a-hole and end up with someone who would treat you with the respect you deserve?

#14 M1B2G

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:58 PM

You see for me it would probably depend on if she has had children.  Having helped a friend through not being able have children as her DH did not want them throughout their marriage. 10 years into the marriage he leaves her for someone who he goes on to have children with as she is somewhat younger than my friend.  This all went down when dear friend was 39...  

I know she is in a better place now but it still hurts.  So for me it is a depends...

Edited by Mumof1B2G, 21 January 2013 - 08:59 PM.


#15 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:00 PM

QUOTE (erindiv @ 21/01/2013, 09:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Maybe ask yourself this: If you were in this woman's position, what would you prefer? To find out everybody knew but you and you had wasted your childbearing years on an a-hole? Or to be blissfully unaware, sitting there every evening wondering why you couldn't get pregnant? Or to find out, ditch the aforementioned a-hole and end up with someone who would treat you with the respect you deserve?


because this needed repeating.
It is always the position I take. What would I want to happen if it were me. Sometimes doing the right thing means p*ssing people off. Doesn't make it less right

Edited by 3Keiki, 21 January 2013 - 09:01 PM.


#16 asdf89

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:06 PM

How is he intending to keep the snip a secret from his wife? Aren't men pretty tender and bruised afterwards... and if she thinks they are trying, she might not want to take no for an answer Tounge1.gif

I don't see how it's possible for him to get it done and her not find out - but even if he can, he sounds like a horrible person. Could you maybe suggest to her that they get fertility tests done upfront 'to rule out any possible issues'... see what her husband says to that!

#17 asdf89

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:07 PM

DP

Edited by asdf89, 21 January 2013 - 09:09 PM.


#18 Guest_~Coffee~_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:07 PM

.

Edited by *SnowFlower*, 20 February 2013 - 04:59 PM.


#19 Holidayromp

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:08 PM

This is a tough tough call and normally it would be none of your business but saying something could save this poor woman alot of anguish.  Has she got children of her own or are they all his?  If they are all his and she wants to have a child of her own with him then I would say intervene in the most discreet way possible but other than that I would probably leave well enough alone.

He sounds like a huge tosser though.

To have a vascetomy costs $$$ how is he going to hide it from his wife plus the recovery period.  Is he going to up and leave for a week whilst he recovers?

#20 asdf89

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:08 PM

DP

Edited by asdf89, 21 January 2013 - 09:09 PM.


#21 Missy Shelby

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:15 PM

Without a doubt C.

By the sounds of it you are not really close to this women, my opinion would definitely be different it is was lets say your sister or a very good friend.

#22 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:15 PM

Tough call
Id be in 2 minds. On one hand I would want to be told if it were me.
But,
In reality it is none of my business

Gah, glad I dont know info like that. Would eat me alive

#23 BeYOUtiful

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:16 PM

Do they have children together?


#24 Cath42

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:22 PM

Hard one. On the one hand, this woman is an adult. She voluntarily entered into a relationship with a man who already had children and was clear about his feelings with respect to having any more. He agreed to "allow" her to have one child with "strict conditions attached" (whatever those conditions were). Now she's pushing for another one and seems to be surprised that he's not keen.

On the other hand, he may have had a vasectomy and not told her. She may be trying to get pregnant 'accidentally', so that his right of veto is made obsolete. She may therefore be bashing her head against a brick wall that is never going to give way. If she discovers he's had a vasectomy, she might feel that her need for another child outweighs her need to stay in this relationship.

Who knows? I think that although much is unknown, what is known is that she voluntarily took up with a man who made it clear that he didn't want a second family. For that reason, I'd stay out of it.

*Edited to add: I assumed from your original post that this couple had already had one child together. But even if they have no children together, my advice would be the same. This woman knew the score when she went into this relationship. If she wants to move the goal posts now, she has to expect him to mount some opposition.

Edited by Cath42, 21 January 2013 - 09:27 PM.


#25 Fairey

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:28 PM

I understand your post to say they do actually have a child together already. From your post, he always stated he only ever wanted one with her. So now she is trying and he's trying not to?

The answer is definitely definitely C.

For what its worth - I think they are as bad as each other.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

The myths and truths of gender swaying

Here are a few popular methods hopeful parents-to-be use to try to get a baby of their preferred gender – and what an expert says about whether they really work.

10 easy DIY Christmas decoration ideas

It's officially time to get into the Christmas spirit. Why not branch out when you put up your tree this year and add a personal touch with a few DIY decorations? We've found the perfect easy-to-make ways to put more festive fever into your home.

The dangerous new trend of glucose challenge test refusal

A dangerous trend is seeing more mothers-to-be declining a relatively simple and painless test to check for gestational diabetes.

Office of Fair Trading reveals naughty toys ahead of Christmas

The Office of Fair Trading has pulled seven toys from shelves ahead of Christmas after they fail safety tests.

Video: Baby boy's trouble with twins

These twin girls will no doubt have fun fooling people in years to come, but nobody will be as confused as baby Landon.

Long-term reversible male contraceptive on its way

Men could soon have access to an injectable long-term contraceptive which works in a similar way to a vasectomy but promises to be easily reversed.

'I tried to kill my baby': one mum's story

After bathing and dressing her three-month-old son, Amanda had a rare moment alone with her baby.

Attack of the 'mummy brain'

I feel that almost every day, someone in my life - be they a friend, family member or complete stranger - feels the need to excuse my behaviour as I have other things on my mind.

Mum of baby who fell ill after drinking raw milk speaks out

A Melbourne mother has described how her son turned grey when he became seriously ill after drinking raw milk.

Australian divorce rate lowest since 1976

Modern newlyweds are now well into their 30s and marriage still offers something powerful a new book argues.

The aftermath of a traumatic birth experience

In Australia, 30 per cent of women find their birth experience traumatic, with 6 per cent going on to develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Young mum burns 'from inside-out'

A young mum is in intensive care after she took a friend's antibiotic and wound up with an ailment that is burning her body 'from the inside-out'.

The disagreement that can break a relationship

If he doesn't change his mind, all I can hope is that I will. It would be a waste to spend the rest of my marriage mourning a baby that never was.

Co-sleeping or no-sleeping? Mum videos worst nap ever

One mother's futile attempt to sleep in caught on camera in a hilarious - and very cute - video.

Why children misbehave during the festive season

While we all like to imagine the holiday season as being a fun, loving and bonding experience; often our reality is quiet different.

I was fat-shamed by my doctor

The fear of being weighed is the most significant factor in women cancelling medical appointments - and now weight-shaming has happened to me.

End of an era: no more childcare

As we reach the end of 2014, we're closing the book on many things for another year, most notably childcare. Our last child has attended childcare for the very last time.

The 7-year itch is more like the 10-year itch: study

Contrary to popular belief, making it past the seven-year mark doesn't mean your marriage will be smooth sailing from there on.

Stop telling us that parenting gets harder

I’m sure that parenting will get harder. But life isn’t exactly smooth sailing for many of us right now, either.

Should children be forced to sit on Santa's lap?

We teach kids it’s okay to say no if they don’t feel safe, so why do some parents force their children to climb in to Santa's lap?

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Baby born weighing almost 14 pounds

Yes, the bouncing baby girl was born by caesarean section. And mum says no more kids.

The dummy debate

I'm the first to admit that when I used to see tiny babies with dummies in their mouths, I thought "Hmm, lazy parenting." And now I apologise.

'I thought I was an only child'

Imagine meeting your double at a school sports event, or regularly being mistaken for someone you haven't met. Separated twins Margaret and Joy tell their story.

Mums reveal their nappy bag essentials

Ever wondered what other mums carry in their nappy bags? We have, so we asked mums to tell us their must-have nappy bag items.

Toddler died because he wasn't given antibiotics soon enough

A 15-month-old boy would almost certainly be alive today if doctors had given him antibiotics sooner, a coroner has ruled.

VIDEO: moment a toddler falls on to train tracks in Melbourne

Shocking footage has emerged capturing the moment a pram carrying a toddler rolled off a platform and onto train tracks in suburban Melbourne.

Sold on natural birth? Read the fine print

In the excitement and anticipation of a first pregnancy, I ignored the fine print: some women, some of the time.

Child with alcoholic mum who drank while pregnant won't win pay-out

A young child is not entitled to criminal injuries compensation after her mother drank excessively while pregnant.

Superbugs killing India's babies, posing wider threat

A deadly epidemic that could have global implications is quietly sweeping India, tens of thousands of newborns dying because antibiotics no longer work.

Can you teach a toddler to sleep in?

Parents share their tips on getting their early risers to sleep in, even for just a little bit longer.

Keeping your relationship on track as new parents

About 70 per cent of couples experience a slump in their relationship within three years of having a baby. Here's how we tried to get back on track.

America's favourite baby names of 2014

Americans are turning to television, Netflix and sports for ideas for what to name their wee ones.

Carers admit to force-feeding children

As Sydney grieves the loss of Sydney siege victims Katrina Dawson and Tori Johnson, reports have suggested that both died as heroes.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.