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I think I should mind my own business. Wdyt?

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#1 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:34 PM

Scenario is this. I am a casual acquaintance with someone (her DH is good friends with my DH so I only know her through my DH). I mostly interact with her through FB.

The wife is pushing for another child and her DH agreed to one under strict "conditions" and has stated numerous times that he doesn't want anymore children.  He has other kids to a past relationship and has told my DH that he is secretly going to get a vasectomy and not tell his wife.

Their relationship is very "different".

Would you tell he wife that:

A) the husband is planning a vasectomy or
B) if he has already had the vasectomy, that he had one and that's why she's not having any luck falling pregnant
C) say nothing and mind my own business.

I think I should mind my own business but when speaking to a third party, she thinks I should tell the wife. I don't feel like I know her well enough.

What do you think?

ETA: I also don't know the DH well enough to talk to him and my DH has told her DH that he thinks that's a sucky thing to do but that's about it.

Edited by Sunnycat, 21 January 2013 - 08:40 PM.

#2 **Xena**

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:37 PM

D) Smack the husband upside the head.

That's such a sticky one. Horrible thing to do to the person you are supposed to love! This is going to end badly if one day she wants fertility testing to find out why they aren't getting pregnant.

No idea what you should do though, just awkward. Why would he tell you and put you in his mess too! Sheeesh!!

Edited by **Xena**, 21 January 2013 - 08:38 PM.

#3 Fossy

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:41 PM

C mind your own business

#4 imamumto3

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:44 PM

I agree with pp, what happens when she wants testing to see why they can't fall pregnant.

do you think he may have been joking?

#5 handsfull

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:46 PM

Mind your own business.  Its their relationship and if he is going to be going behind her back then he can take the consequences when he finally comes clean to her.

No need for you or your DH to be involved.

#6 R2B2

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:46 PM

i'd probably ask him if his nuts are still feeling tender in front of his wife  dev (6).gif

on a serious note though, I have no idea. tricky one.

#7 erindiv

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:50 PM

I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think I'd probably do nothing, simply because I wouldn't know what to do. If anything, I'd casually message the wife one day, see if the whole babymaking thing came up and then say "Oh, DH said your DH had a vasectomy, I didn't realise you were trying."

#8 Wise Old Owl

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM

Sounds like a situation where there can be no winners sad.gif

#9 KatakaGeoGirl

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM

E. Keep out of it and then wait and see if she gets pregnant...

(Sorry... it was what first came to my head!)

Edited by Katakacpk, 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM.

#10 LambChop

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:53 PM

Not your business.

What a low life gutless things to do though... a*s*hole sad.gif

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:54 PM

I'm not going to be saying anything anyway but just interested to see what other people think original.gif

#12 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:54 PM

QUOTE (erindiv @ 21/01/2013, 09:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think I'd probably do nothing, simply because I wouldn't know what to do. If anything, I'd casually message the wife one day, see if the whole babymaking thing came up and then say "Oh, DH said your DH had a vasectomy, I didn't realise you were trying."

I think maybe something like this...
I think it is cruel of him to do this... the poor woman... I wouldn't be able to let it slide but that is just me (I am the biggest dibber dobber that way - have insisted friends come clean to partners re fidelity issues or addiction issues or I will out them myself.)

#13 erindiv

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:57 PM

Maybe ask yourself this: If you were in this woman's position, what would you prefer? To find out everybody knew but you and you had wasted your childbearing years on an a-hole? Or to be blissfully unaware, sitting there every evening wondering why you couldn't get pregnant? Or to find out, ditch the aforementioned a-hole and end up with someone who would treat you with the respect you deserve?

#14 DontKnow2015

Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:58 PM

You see for me it would probably depend on if she has had children.  Having helped a friend through not being able have children as her DH did not want them throughout their marriage. 10 years into the marriage he leaves her for someone who he goes on to have children with as she is somewhat younger than my friend.  This all went down when dear friend was 39...  

I know she is in a better place now but it still hurts.  So for me it is a depends...

Edited by Mumof1B2G, 21 January 2013 - 08:59 PM.

#15 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:00 PM

QUOTE (erindiv @ 21/01/2013, 09:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Maybe ask yourself this: If you were in this woman's position, what would you prefer? To find out everybody knew but you and you had wasted your childbearing years on an a-hole? Or to be blissfully unaware, sitting there every evening wondering why you couldn't get pregnant? Or to find out, ditch the aforementioned a-hole and end up with someone who would treat you with the respect you deserve?

because this needed repeating.
It is always the position I take. What would I want to happen if it were me. Sometimes doing the right thing means p*ssing people off. Doesn't make it less right

Edited by 3Keiki, 21 January 2013 - 09:01 PM.

#16 asdf89

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:06 PM

How is he intending to keep the snip a secret from his wife? Aren't men pretty tender and bruised afterwards... and if she thinks they are trying, she might not want to take no for an answer Tounge1.gif

I don't see how it's possible for him to get it done and her not find out - but even if he can, he sounds like a horrible person. Could you maybe suggest to her that they get fertility tests done upfront 'to rule out any possible issues'... see what her husband says to that!

#17 asdf89

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:07 PM


Edited by asdf89, 21 January 2013 - 09:09 PM.

#18 Guest_~Coffee~_*

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:07 PM


Edited by *SnowFlower*, 20 February 2013 - 04:59 PM.

#19 Holidayromp

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:08 PM

This is a tough tough call and normally it would be none of your business but saying something could save this poor woman alot of anguish.  Has she got children of her own or are they all his?  If they are all his and she wants to have a child of her own with him then I would say intervene in the most discreet way possible but other than that I would probably leave well enough alone.

He sounds like a huge tosser though.

To have a vascetomy costs $$$ how is he going to hide it from his wife plus the recovery period.  Is he going to up and leave for a week whilst he recovers?

#20 asdf89

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:08 PM


Edited by asdf89, 21 January 2013 - 09:09 PM.

#21 Missy Shelby

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:15 PM

Without a doubt C.

By the sounds of it you are not really close to this women, my opinion would definitely be different it is was lets say your sister or a very good friend.

#22 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:15 PM

Tough call
Id be in 2 minds. On one hand I would want to be told if it were me.
In reality it is none of my business

Gah, glad I dont know info like that. Would eat me alive

#23 BeYOUtiful

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:16 PM

Do they have children together?

#24 Cath42

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:22 PM

Hard one. On the one hand, this woman is an adult. She voluntarily entered into a relationship with a man who already had children and was clear about his feelings with respect to having any more. He agreed to "allow" her to have one child with "strict conditions attached" (whatever those conditions were). Now she's pushing for another one and seems to be surprised that he's not keen.

On the other hand, he may have had a vasectomy and not told her. She may be trying to get pregnant 'accidentally', so that his right of veto is made obsolete. She may therefore be bashing her head against a brick wall that is never going to give way. If she discovers he's had a vasectomy, she might feel that her need for another child outweighs her need to stay in this relationship.

Who knows? I think that although much is unknown, what is known is that she voluntarily took up with a man who made it clear that he didn't want a second family. For that reason, I'd stay out of it.

*Edited to add: I assumed from your original post that this couple had already had one child together. But even if they have no children together, my advice would be the same. This woman knew the score when she went into this relationship. If she wants to move the goal posts now, she has to expect him to mount some opposition.

Edited by Cath42, 21 January 2013 - 09:27 PM.

#25 Fairey

Posted 21 January 2013 - 09:28 PM

I understand your post to say they do actually have a child together already. From your post, he always stated he only ever wanted one with her. So now she is trying and he's trying not to?

The answer is definitely definitely C.

For what its worth - I think they are as bad as each other.

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