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The "Whatever" attitude


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#1 purpleblackqueen

Posted 17 January 2013 - 04:38 PM

I am so over this "Whatever" attitude that is coming out of my 11yr old, everything seems to go in one ear and out the other. She has an "I dont care" mentality, which is coming out more of late.

She has currently had her new IPOD convisgated and is close to losing her sleepover party tomorrow night.

I know she has had a rough year, but still that is no excuse and I am no longer going to put up with it.

Are your kids the same? How do you deal with it?

#2 mitty82

Posted 17 January 2013 - 04:59 PM

hey purpleblackqueen,
yes my daughter was like that, and we just did what you are doing. The whole take away their currency etc, you will learn what that is by the biggest reaction when you take something away from them. It took nearly over a year and a half for it to settle down and it settled down after a very explosive tanty. She told us she didnt want to live at our house and never wanted to be in our family. My husband who is normally the most patient of all told her the door is there and the suitcase is under our bed. It was late at night and she said no it is too dark and instantly she knew that she had hit that point of oh crap.
She may be pushing you if you are feeling vunerable or the discipline has slipped. I know sometimes we get a bit complacent everynow and then. Then the kids behaviour gets worse.
At the moment it is our 4 yr old who I swear is going through the terrible twos all over again.

#3 ~THE~MAGICIAN~

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:15 PM

My 11yo DD is pretty good most of the time, so no advice really. But as you said she has had a BIG year, bigger than most of us might have in our entire life, cut her some slack, spend more time with her doing fun things especially when Jackson goes to bed, cut right back on your housework lists and really really turn it around to spend quality time with those kids. It really is the best thing you could ever do.



#4 Fr0g

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:19 PM

My son could be your daughter (also 11).

We're in the same boat; doing what you are. The most important thing I think, is to follow through with consequences. It seems to be a bit of testing the waters with DS - like he wants confirmation that we'll do what we threaten, IYKWIM?

So much of what you post about H seems totally age-appropriate, you're doing a good job!

#5 Fr0g

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:21 PM

Double post

Edited by FrogIsAFrogIsAFrog, 17 January 2013 - 05:27 PM.


#6 kadoodle

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:23 PM

My almost 11 yo DD is like this.  She's rude, snarky and a complete smart a*se when she wants to be.  I come close to wringing her neck some days.  Last night I lost my temper completely and tore her a new one before hustling her into bed.  I feel really weak - I mean, I'm the adult FFS, I should be able to be zen with the kind of rude that I used to dish out to my parents - not to mention guilty.  I should be providing a safe environment for her to grow and develop her personality, not flay her when it gets too much.

I hope someone gives you a good answer, OP, because I have NFI

#7 miinii

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:24 PM

QUOTE (~THE~MAGICIAN~ @ 17/01/2013, 06:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My 11yo DD is pretty good most of the time, so no advice really. But as you said she has had a BIG year, bigger than most of us might have in our entire life, cut her some slack, spend more time with her doing fun things especially when Jackson goes to bed, cut right back on your housework lists and really really turn it around to spend quality time with those kids. It really is the best thing you could ever do.


agree 100%

#8 purpleblackqueen

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:25 PM

QUOTE (~THE~MAGICIAN~ @ 17/01/2013, 06:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My 11yo DD is pretty good most of the time, so no advice really. But as you said she has had a BIG year, bigger than most of us might have in our entire life, cut her some slack, spend more time with her doing fun things especially when Jackson goes to bed, cut right back on your housework lists and really really turn it around to spend quality time with those kids. It really is the best thing you could ever do.



I spend quality time with the kids at night, reading stories, watching movies, talking, playing games, going for walks, paint nails etc etc

#9 ~Elphaba~

Posted 17 January 2013 - 07:42 PM

Ahh, I see your problem.  What you got there is a pre teen!

If it is any consolation, the stage doesn't last forever.  My girl is now almost 17 and is an absolute delight to be around.  She has been for a few years now.  But between 12 and 14, well, lets just say that's when we (us and her father/stepmother) coined the term "Princess Bi*chface".

I can't think of anything to help that you aren't already doing.  Just stick with it and keep telling yourself "this too shall pass".

Edited by ~Elphaba~, 17 January 2013 - 07:43 PM.


#10 Expelliarmus

Posted 17 January 2013 - 09:32 PM

Yep, you just have to ride this one out ...

#11 sueb31

Posted 18 January 2013 - 07:55 AM

Given her age and what she has been through in the last year, I would also be thinking about whether she was developing a depression. Hard to pick in someone that age. But the disturbed sleep you have written about and a few other things make me think it would be worth checking out.

Some info here
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public.../inchildren.cfm

I know it can be very hard telling the difference between difficult pre-teen and a depressed pre-teen, but in your daughter's case especially, I would be checking to be sure. She has several risk factors.

Sue




#12 Carmen02

Posted 18 January 2013 - 07:59 AM

my DD is driving me nuts with her whatever attitude lately! She says she doesnt care about things and picks fights the works, the attitude sticks. DD gets pocket money based on chores done and behaviour, she hasnt recieved it in almost 4 weeks and doesnt have her ipod or PSP...you have my full sympathy!

#13 Sweet like a lemon

Posted 18 January 2013 - 08:41 AM

QUOTE (~THE~MAGICIAN~ @ 17/01/2013, 06:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My 11yo DD is pretty good most of the time, so no advice really. But as you said she has had a BIG year, bigger than most of us might have in our entire life, cut her some slack, spend more time with her doing fun things especially when Jackson goes to bed, cut right back on your housework lists and really really turn it around to spend quality time with those kids. It really is the best thing you could ever do.


You realise yours is the exception then not the norm? Possibly like me she is a late bloomer in which case you'll know all about it when she hits 13.

I think what the OP needs is coping strategies to navigate this incredibly difficult but normal phase and these can be very difficult to achieve especially if you're a single parent and most especially when you've been though a lot a trauma. I don't have any to offer but I would say remain strict but loving and accessible to her. Separate the behaviour from the person so she is aware it is her attitude and not her existence that is the problem. Know that one day she will grow up into a lovely young woman and once she has her own little brood she'll get exactly where you're coming from.  

I'm dreading the years ahead. I was the teen from hell (my parents would tell you I was divine until I hit 13) and my DD is very strong willed so I'm terrified she will be same as me. The horror.

Edited by ForsakenTruth, 18 January 2013 - 08:42 AM.


#14 Rachaelxxx

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:00 AM

I just keep pulling my daughter in constantly and she is getting the message that it's not okay to behave that way. I call it "being a princess".  I also make sure I follow through with my threats as well.

#15 *lightning

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:02 AM

I have noticed by the OP's posts that she is very busy and stressed with a lot on her plate. I agree with cutting back on long lists of stuff to do and try more one on one time with your children.

You have an hormonal pre-teen and they can be difficult but she could also be feeding off your stress.

Edited by *lightning, 18 January 2013 - 09:03 AM.


#16 elizabethany

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:03 AM

I don't have a 11YO DD, but I was one, and a b**chy pain in the a*se one at that.  I didn't talk to my parents despite living in the same home between that ages of 11 and 17, and what finally fixed it was when I moved out at 18.

I was depressed, but while all the adults around me knew, none of them, teachers, parents, family friends, tried to help me deal with that or get me professional help, and at 11 I didn't have the knowledge or means to deal with it myself.  I dealt with it by emotionally locking myself away, developing a "whatever" attitude, even though I didn't feel like that inside.  It felt good to see my mum hurt, because then at least she felt what I was going through.

What would have helped me was 1) professional help to deal with the depression and emotions of teenagehood, adn 2) some structured independance, allowing me some autonomy about how I ran my life, with more choice than what cereal to have for breakfast, or whether to have my hair in a high or low ponytail on school days.

#17 Pull Up A Beanbag

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:04 AM

Just a question, from what I remember as my very needy pre and tten days...

My mother never did any of the stories, movies, etc, so you're already one step ahead, but when you're doing at it are you Really There?

Are you fully engaged in the moment? Or are you wondering about tomorrow's chores, your job interviews etc?

Kids, and especially self-absorbed teenagers (this is the age when it's all about them, don't forget) can tell if you're not truly in the moment with them.

I would have felt just as disconnected from a mum who was watching a movie on the couch with me and highly distracted, or on the laptop etc as from my mum who wasn't there at all.

Just something to focus on original.gif

Edited by rjflc69, 18 January 2013 - 01:53 PM.
Edit to remove signature as it is distorting page. PLEASE REDUCE SIGNATURE SIZE.Thanks


#18 purpleblackqueen

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:14 AM

QUOTE (*lightning @ 18/01/2013, 10:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have noticed by the OP's posts that she is very busy and stressed with a lot on her plate. I agree with cutting back on long lists of stuff to do and try more one on one time with your children.

You have an hormonal pre-teen and they can be difficult but she could also be feeding off your stress.



Yes I am busy - we have not long moved and still trying to sort and unpack, organise quotes to get stuff done etc, but I am not stressed at all.

QUOTE (Soprano-Cat @ 18/01/2013, 10:04 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just a question, from what I remember as my very needy pre and tten days...

My mother never did any of the stories, movies, etc, so you're already one step ahead, but when you're doing at it are you Really There?

Are you fully engaged in the moment? Or are you wondering about tomorrow's chores, your job interviews etc?

Kids, and especially self-absorbed teenagers (this is the age when it's all about them, don't forget) can tell if you're not truly in the moment with them.

I would have felt just as disconnected from a mum who was watching a movie on the couch with me and highly distracted, or on the laptop etc as from my mum who wasn't there at all.

Just something to focus on original.gif


I am fully engaged in the moment whenever I and spending time with my kids.

#19 sueb31

Posted 18 January 2013 - 01:40 PM

QUOTE (elizabethany @ 18/01/2013, 09:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't have a 11YO DD, but I was one, and a b**chy pain in the a*se one at that.  I didn't talk to my parents despite living in the same home between that ages of 11 and 17, and what finally fixed it was when I moved out at 18.

I was depressed, but while all the adults around me knew, none of them, teachers, parents, family friends, tried to help me deal with that or get me professional help, and at 11 I didn't have the knowledge or means to deal with it myself.  I dealt with it by emotionally locking myself away, developing a "whatever" attitude, even though I didn't feel like that inside.  It felt good to see my mum hurt, because then at least she felt what I was going through.

What would have helped me was 1) professional help to deal with the depression and emotions of teenagehood, adn 2) some structured independance, allowing me some autonomy about how I ran my life, with more choice than what cereal to have for breakfast, or whether to have my hair in a high or low ponytail on school days.

This is what I mean. I know pre teens can be hard work but it doesn't mean you should ignore the possibility that they could be depressed. Especially when there are extra stressors thrown into the mix.


#20 Heather11

Posted 18 January 2013 - 01:47 PM

Are the kids still having counselling sessions PBQ?  Maybe you can raise it with the Counselor.

It could simply be the preteen attitude.  My DD has her moments.  Your children however have had added upheaval in their young lives.




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