Jump to content

debreif/vent


  • Please log in to reply
13 replies to this topic

#1 Jelly Bean 1988

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:14 AM

(I do not want to start a war with this post im just posting how I feel and hoping for some tips for healing and hope for next time)


Although i recognise the promotion of breast being best is a good thing and provides encouragement to people having a hard time to keep on going through the rough patches sometimes i feel like it gets pushed too much

I was unable to breastfeed my son and mentally know that everything was tried to the point of me being hospitalised because i became so physially and emotionally worn out


I know FF was the best thing i could have done for my son

I know he is a healthy stong intelligent little boy (even healthier than alot of my friends BF children)

I was not enjoying him because every feed both of us dreaded and struggled

I was suffering from PND, infection that stopped me from even being able to sit up in bed,

My husband had to make the decision for me to stop BF because i couldnt emotionally make that decision I was told breast is best

I would not have been able to go on medication and have the time away from my son needed to treat my PND had my husband not made that decision


Yet knowing all of this my heart everytime I see a wonderful new discovery or tip about why breastfeeding is so much more benefitial to my son than FF It feels like a knife in my wound that there is yet another thing i failed to provide my son with

My heart constantly wonders what if i had tried that bit harder or longer


I felt alone in that I was pushed to breastfeed by the midwives bvut they failed me in their support it was a too many cooks in the kitchen scenario, no one had the same technique they were rough, People have made comments about FF mothers being silly for not BF,

The only peope who supported me were my wonderful husband and a lovely nurse who came in and taught us how to prepare formula and that BF is not the be all and end all





But this is where i need help, I find myself sitiing here at 24 weeks desperately wanting to breastfeed this baby but knowing I may fail again i really want to try but I dont want to get hurt again, I try research BF so mayby ill have more of a chance this time but it only produces frustration, fear and tears

I do have a plan in place I will try to learn as much as i can, I will only enlist the help of the hospitals lactation consultant and no midwives, me and I baby will work together to try this out, I will not be having visitors until i feel comfortable with BF. past that im open for tips or alterations to this plan


(I do not have the available funds to join the ABA unfortunately)

#2 SCARFACE CLAW

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:22 AM

OP, don't worry about it. I had a similar experience to you first time around, and the second time I FF from birth. I was sooo much happier, I stayed on my ADs and DS was happy and healthy. I actually got to enjoy him being a baby!

It truly doesn't matter if you don't breastfeed. Give it another go if that's what you want, but remember how healthy your DS is after being formula fed, and don't fret if you have to pack it in again.

Good luck original.gif

#3 IVF Baby

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:23 AM

I could of written this myself, my story is remarkably similar.

My son is 17 months, healthy and happy and non the worse for wear for being formula fed.

Breast is best - I don't think so.

There comes a point where you have to get over the guilt, enjoy your healthy child.

Enjoy that you are parenting succesffully
Enjoy that they are eating, healthy and thriving
Enjoy that you have a child

At the end of the day, that is what matters!

#4 Mel from the Creek

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:30 AM

People really beat themselves up over BF.  Millions of babies do just fine on formula. FF was preferred over breast for years and all those adults are fine. You should try and if it doesn't work then FF.  But I wouldn't be dismissing everything the midwives say.

Also I'm sure that ABA wouldn't mind you using their hotline - I don't know if you have to actually be a member.  

Anyway take it easy on yourself and don't stress about what is a tiny part of big process.  Just enjoy your beautiful baby biggrin.gif

#5 HRH Countrymel

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:35 AM

QUOTE (Jelly Bean 1988 @ 17/01/2013, 11:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
(I do not have the available funds to join the ABA unfortunately)


Obviously as I have never had a baby to feed I am not one for advice or helpful hints!  

However as the daughter of a life member of the ABA and a breastfeeding consultant/counsellor for years and watching first hand the help and soothing motherly presence she was in so many new mother's lives (INCLUDING the ones who ended up FF) I would suggest that you ask the next person who offers to buy you something for the baby..

"What I would really like is ABA membership - it is $65 - that is what I would really like."  I know that I would be thrilled if a friend asked me for that as a gift.

#6 Jenferal

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:50 AM

I agree with Countrymel. I found the ABA class was worth the cost of the membership. The one class taught me so much, more than the midwives or a book could.
Not just the mechanics of feeding, but the best ways to get support and deal with problems.
Do tell your OB or the hospital about your previous problems and they should be able to help you more this time round.
but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. While I'm pro BF, I'm also pro doing what's best for you and your baby, and it may well be formula is best for you both.

And don't stress about it this early! I think you are going to make it into such a  huge thing in your mind for so long, you will struggle again. Go to a class, TRY  in the days after your baby is born, but you've got ages till the baby comes. You might find this next baby takes to BF like a duck to water and all the worry will be for nothing.

And make sure you get the baby's tongue checked for a tie as early as possible to help reduce the chance of problems. I think a tongue tie is one of the main reasons babies have a bad latch, and not everyone looks at it as a cause(from what I've heard anyway).

#7 lucky 2

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:51 AM

QUOTE
I do have a plan in place I will try to learn as much as i can, I will only enlist the help of the hospitals lactation consultant and no midwives, me and I baby will work together to try this out, I will not be having visitors until i feel comfortable with BF. past that im open for tips or alterations to this plan

Sounds like a good plan Jelly.
Were are you Jelly, which state, perhaps then we could give specific resources for your local area?
Does the hosp where you will be birthing have a LC service?
If so I'd encourage you to take yourself to a antenatal appointment with the LC to tell her what you have written here and go from there.
This is commonly done by women who have had problems with bfing in the past.
There certainly needs to be more than just the words "bfing is best", practical assistance, timely assistance, good quality assistance from knowledgeable persons who can tailor the the advice to suit your individual needs.
The other thing to consider is that this new baby will be different, ie same boobs, different baby so who knows, it may be easier.
Also you are a bit older and perhaps more confident or assertive and self aware from your previous experiences, this will be of benefit to you.
Good on you for posting and I hope we can help you with your preparation to breast feed in an honest and caring way, thanks for letting us share your journey.
All the best.

ps, I b'fed whilst taking medication for depression, I even had a stint in a hospital and dd came with me whilst I had further treatment for depression. That was ok for me because bfing had become effortless by that stage. When bfing is going well (as it might this time) it can be a marvellous positive bonding thing to do for both mother and baby within the experience of depression, it's when bfing isn't going well that it can be counter-productive to a mothers well being.
You might also benefit from the services of the mental health team at your hospital, this also is common if you have experienced pnd in the past.
Resources that may be of help-
http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/forums/ind...howtopic=951741
The above is a pinned topic in this forum for women who have not had successful bfing experiences
http://www.rebeccaglover.com.au/
The LC above produces a lot of teaching resources that health professionals use and with her expanded website it is much more helpful for breast feeding women in general, there are pictures, descriptions and even access to her videos online. This is good for all of the basics of positioning and attachment, I don't think it is too technical.
https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bfinfo/whe...doesnt-work-out
This article also addresses "Breast feeding take 2", ie bfing after a difficult first bfing experience.

#8 Bunsen the feral

Posted 17 January 2013 - 11:05 AM

I ff DS1 from 3 months after struggling with breast feeding, it is so hard to come to terms with "failing" at something you know to be so important despite trying so bloody hard to make it work.

Second time around I armed myself with knowledge about the specific problems I had - knowing in advance what to do was so much better than floundering for advice when over tired and stressed. I also gave myself permission to give up sooner if I encountered the same problems again - I figured putting myself under such pressure wasn't going to help.

Ds2 was a very different feeder which helped with a lot of my problems, and I fed him to 18 months
original.gif

Edited by Bunsen, 17 January 2013 - 11:10 AM.


#9 Tesseract

Posted 17 January 2013 - 02:07 PM

There are lots of women on here who can give you their experiences about breastfeeding a second child after a bad experience the first time.

In regards to the guilt, I really hope you can move past it, because you did do the best thing for your baby. I've found that when I have guilt or regret about a parenting decision I find it helps to give myself permission to feel upset about it, while at the same time reminding myself that I did do what was best. So many things in parenting are such a balancing act between needs, priorities, risks etc. It sounds like you are grieving for the loss of the breastfeeding relationship with your son that wasn't to be. It's ok to feel that grief. It's also ok to be damned angry at our health system that goes on and on and on about the benefits of breastfeeding but leaves women alone and floundering. But feeling that grief (and anger if that's you too) doesn't mean that you didn't do the best thing for your son.

#10 Fright bat

Posted 17 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

OP, all I can say is that as someone who 'failed' their first child and started formula at 3 weeks, and then went on to successfully breastfeed a second (after some initial issues) - it genuinely doesn't matter. I have just come out the other end of breastfeeding my second child; I weaned him this week. And (I know this is anecdotal) what I can tell you is this.

Both my boys are healthy.

Both my boys are well attached, happy, delightful clever little buggers.

I have bonded equally with both of them.

I love both of them equally.

I get the impression they both love me equally.

They both slept as well as each other.

They both took to solids as well as each other.

They both settled into childcare as well as each other.

I enjoyed feeding both my babies equally

I wrote a post only the other night about being sad to have given my baby his last breastfeed, but then I remembered how sad I was the day we decided my first no longer needed his dreamfeed (all his other milk feeds were in a cup), and I could no longer creep in, pick up his warm floppy squidgy body and cuddle him as he slept and drank his bottle - I am no more sad to give up breastfeeding as I was to give up bottle feeding

No one on the street would be able to tell which was breastfed and which was bottle fed.

My boys themselves would never be able to tell which was breastfed and which was bottle fed. I would not keep this deliberately a secret, but I also cannot envision any scenario in which this would come up in common conversation, or either would care one way or the other.

I think we should encourage breastfeeding at a population level. But as an individual - do what works for you. How you feed them in this one year out of the 80 or more they will be alive is such a small drop in the ocean of factors that may or may not influence a variety of social/emotional/health outcomes that the whole rhetoric is sometimes dazzlingly irrelevant.

What your babies need is a mum who is relaxed and happy. Everything else is fluff.

#11 Suz01

Posted 17 January 2013 - 09:31 PM

I wish you all the best and hopefully you get the help you need. I feel so sad reading your post as it feels like the system failed you the first time.

It sounds like you have a wonderful DH.

#12 ez21

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:03 AM

Hi OP,  I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.  I really admire you for posting such a truthful and heartfelt story.

Second breastfeeding experiences can be completely different, so don't fill your heart with fear.  Your plan is a great one.  If possible, establish some good breastfeeding support now, support that you are comfortable with and trust is going to be best for you and your individual circumstances.  There are people in this forum who can help with locating this support in your area.

If breastfeeding doesn't work, don't blame yourself.  Stand tall and be proud of what you have achieved. Don't listen to people who may air their opinions without knowing your circumstances - they are just ignorant and judgmental.

You have shown a great deal of strength in your post and I wish you the best of luck.



#13 lucky 2

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:16 AM

I've re-read your OP, things can be a lot different this time so I hope they will be.
I wont try to ease your mind by saying that breast feeding doesn't matter, that it is not important or is equal to the substitute we have available (formula) because breastfeeding is important on an societal (public health perspective) and individual level for many reasons, and I know you know this.
But, the rhetoric should be "breast feed or at least breast milk feed if you can", that is how it is phrased in the SIDS Guidelines (it is the newest and 6th guideline).
I hope you get the help you may need this time for the long haul, ie ongoing expert lactation support during your hospital stay, post discharge and into your local community.
I could imagine the stress and fear about what might happen when your new baby arrives, I know you don't want to go down the same path or even a very similar path but unfortunately it is to be expected that you will have fear (or any other feeling) as you approach birth.
This is very common because there a loads of women in the same situation as you and they do worry and stress a lot and can take many different approaches.
How you approach this experience is totally up to you, however you feel is valid and you have your reasons and how you manage your feelings after your child is born will be what it will be.
The most important thing I think you can do is exactly what you are doing, preparing, forewarned is forearmed.
I just hope it isn't the battle it was last time and that there is a peaceful solution (whatever that may be) for both you and your baby.
All the best.

#14 MrsW87

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:17 AM

Sorry that you had a rough time OP. Although I have no advice I wanted to give you some hope IF breastfeeding is the way you want to go for your second child.

I had a similar experience with DS1. We didn't BF past about 6 weeks because I found everything to overwhelming, among other reasons.

Now I have DS2, who is 1 next week and is still breastfed. While has had the odd bottle of formula, he is still breastfeeding and I am very proud of that.

What Im trying to say is that I had a horrible experience the first time around, and while we have had our fair share of issues with DS2 breastfeeding, it can work and Im sure there are plenty of other women on here who have a similar experience in terms of FF a first child and breastfeeding a second.

Good luck Xx




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Finding baby name inspiration in unusual places

Sometimes the greatest baby name ideas come from the most unexpected places, as these EB members show.

The case for inducing at 37 weeks

While we often think of pregnancy as a 40 week affair, experts agree that 37 weeks is actually “full term". So is there an argument for inducing all births at 37 weeks?

Does controlled crying really work?

Controlled-crying techniques may help some babies sleep through the night, but for many exhausted new parents, it's just a recipe for more tears all round.

How I taught my infant to use a toilet

As people become more aware of these benefits, I hope more parents will practice this method, so we can cut down on nappies and improve baby bonding.

'I thought it was impossible': Emily Symons pregnant at 45

Aussie actress Emily Symons has announced she is pregnant with her first baby.

Shallow water blackout kills fit, healthy dad

A little girl will grow up without her father after the fit and healthy 34-year-old passed away while doing something he had practised his whole life.

Afternoon naps may be bad for toddlers' sleep

You could be doing yourself a disservice by encouraging your toddler to have an afternoon nap, according to new research.

Best gifts for newborns, new mums and christenings

We've compiled a guide to some of the most popular presents for newborns and new mums, and for christenings and naming days.

Jaime King to be a mum again

Actress Jaime King is pregnant with her second child, giving 16-month-old James a sibling.

Nannies should receive government funding

The Abbott government should extend funding to nannies, and direct childcare payments to low and middle income families, a landmark study on childcare has found. 

Common skin irritations in newborns (and how to treat them)

As many as one in two newborn babies suffer from skin irritations in their first few weeks. So what are the most common rashes and irritations to look out for?

10 wall decals for the nursery or playroom

Wall decals are the answer to creating a beautiful nursery or children's space without lifting a paint brush, a spirit level or even a hammer.

Preschooler walks 2.4km home alone

Three-year-old Cain Trainor headed off home after his first day at a new preschool without telling anyone.

Video: Why mums get nothing done

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

The middle name game

The middle name is no longer an afterthought, and parents' inspiration comes from many places.

Have a baby or your money back - but there's a catch

A new IVF scheme offers couples the chance to fall pregnant and give birth - or get their money back. But there's more to it than you might think.

A rare glimpse inside the womb

A baby born still inside the amniotic sac gave US doctors a rare glimpse at life inside the womb.

Battered mum forced to write to her attacker ex in jail

Three years ago Jason Hughes viciously attacked his ex-partner. Now she has to write to him three times a year.

Woman pleads not guilty to ultrasound scam

A West Australian woman will fight allegations that she scammed expectant mums by selling them fake ultrasound pictures of babies.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Brain damaged mum receives compensation

A Sydney mother who suffered brain damage when she was hit by a car while pushing her newborn baby in a pram has reached a confidential out-of-court settlement with the driver's insurance company.

Indigenous midwives break down the barriers

A culturally sensitive midwifery service has gained the trust and respect of Aboriginal women.

The Katering Show's next big delivery

Most mums-to-be plan to take things easy and perhaps have a little break from work as the birth of their baby draws near. Not Kate McCartney.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

Why I have mixed feelings about Cindy Crawford's leaked photo

Last week an un-retouched photo of model Cindy Crawford surfaced, showing the 48-year-old mother-of -two posing in underwear.

How to create a Peppa Pig pancake

Thought your toddler could not love pancakes any more than they already do? How about if the breakfast treat came in the shape of every two-year-old's favourite cartoon character?

'It's a little life, not a little loss': pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought I was never going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I decided that I wasn't going to form an emotional attachment with this baby.

Bonds Baby Search 2015: what you need to know

February 18 marks the start of one of the most prolific annual baby competitions in Australia: the Bonds Baby Search. And this year is going to be more special than ever.

Who will manage your Facebook account when you're gone?

This is not something that people like to talk about, but Facebook has announced that it will grant users more control over what happens to their pages after they die.

Struggling mum of four wins $188 million

Mother of four Marie Holmes was financially struggling after quitting her jobs at Walmart and McDonald's in order to care for her children.

Pregnant obese women a 'relatively new problem', coroner hears

A first-time mother whose daughter died hours after her frightening birth insists she was never told of the risks of being obese and pregnant.

'I'm angry as hell': the story behind mum's passionate vaccination plea

She has labelled parents who do not vaccinate their children "misinformed imbeciles" - and for that, she makes no apologies.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

8 different kinds of tantrums

I never thought I’d say this, but for a brief moment last week, Kim Kardashian and I had something in common: both our kids had public tantrums.

Polycystic ovary syndrome: symptoms, treatment and your fertility

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female hormonal condition, affecting roughly one in 12 Australian women.

What's the best position for giving birth?

If doing it on your back is out, what's the best position for labour and birth?

Wife forgives snake catcher husband for car surprise

With Valentine's Day coming up, Nat Gilbert could be forgiven for thinking her husband might be planning a surprise for her.

Kids who meet milestones at their own pace

We usually only hear the success stories: tales of the two-year-old who’s talking, running and completely toilet trained. But other stories need to be told too.

Ruby shines as Bonds Baby

Sarah Kiss has a word of advice for proud mums and dads who are keen to enter their babies in this year's Bonds Baby Search Competition - just have fun.

Why dads should go to sleep school

If your family needs to go to sleep school, go with them. You are part of that family and you are part of the solution.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Win a KitchenAid Mixer

Let's celebrate 300,000 fans on Facebook

To celebrate, and to thank our amazing fans, we?re giving away a KitchenAid Artisan Tilt-Head Stand Mixer.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.