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#1 Jelly Bean 1988

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:14 AM

(I do not want to start a war with this post im just posting how I feel and hoping for some tips for healing and hope for next time)


Although i recognise the promotion of breast being best is a good thing and provides encouragement to people having a hard time to keep on going through the rough patches sometimes i feel like it gets pushed too much

I was unable to breastfeed my son and mentally know that everything was tried to the point of me being hospitalised because i became so physially and emotionally worn out


I know FF was the best thing i could have done for my son

I know he is a healthy stong intelligent little boy (even healthier than alot of my friends BF children)

I was not enjoying him because every feed both of us dreaded and struggled

I was suffering from PND, infection that stopped me from even being able to sit up in bed,

My husband had to make the decision for me to stop BF because i couldnt emotionally make that decision I was told breast is best

I would not have been able to go on medication and have the time away from my son needed to treat my PND had my husband not made that decision


Yet knowing all of this my heart everytime I see a wonderful new discovery or tip about why breastfeeding is so much more benefitial to my son than FF It feels like a knife in my wound that there is yet another thing i failed to provide my son with

My heart constantly wonders what if i had tried that bit harder or longer


I felt alone in that I was pushed to breastfeed by the midwives bvut they failed me in their support it was a too many cooks in the kitchen scenario, no one had the same technique they were rough, People have made comments about FF mothers being silly for not BF,

The only peope who supported me were my wonderful husband and a lovely nurse who came in and taught us how to prepare formula and that BF is not the be all and end all





But this is where i need help, I find myself sitiing here at 24 weeks desperately wanting to breastfeed this baby but knowing I may fail again i really want to try but I dont want to get hurt again, I try research BF so mayby ill have more of a chance this time but it only produces frustration, fear and tears

I do have a plan in place I will try to learn as much as i can, I will only enlist the help of the hospitals lactation consultant and no midwives, me and I baby will work together to try this out, I will not be having visitors until i feel comfortable with BF. past that im open for tips or alterations to this plan


(I do not have the available funds to join the ABA unfortunately)

#2 SCARFACE CLAW

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:22 AM

OP, don't worry about it. I had a similar experience to you first time around, and the second time I FF from birth. I was sooo much happier, I stayed on my ADs and DS was happy and healthy. I actually got to enjoy him being a baby!

It truly doesn't matter if you don't breastfeed. Give it another go if that's what you want, but remember how healthy your DS is after being formula fed, and don't fret if you have to pack it in again.

Good luck original.gif

#3 IVF Baby

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:23 AM

I could of written this myself, my story is remarkably similar.

My son is 17 months, healthy and happy and non the worse for wear for being formula fed.

Breast is best - I don't think so.

There comes a point where you have to get over the guilt, enjoy your healthy child.

Enjoy that you are parenting succesffully
Enjoy that they are eating, healthy and thriving
Enjoy that you have a child

At the end of the day, that is what matters!

#4 Mel from the Creek

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:30 AM

People really beat themselves up over BF.  Millions of babies do just fine on formula. FF was preferred over breast for years and all those adults are fine. You should try and if it doesn't work then FF.  But I wouldn't be dismissing everything the midwives say.

Also I'm sure that ABA wouldn't mind you using their hotline - I don't know if you have to actually be a member.  

Anyway take it easy on yourself and don't stress about what is a tiny part of big process.  Just enjoy your beautiful baby biggrin.gif

#5 HRH Countrymel

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:35 AM

QUOTE (Jelly Bean 1988 @ 17/01/2013, 11:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
(I do not have the available funds to join the ABA unfortunately)


Obviously as I have never had a baby to feed I am not one for advice or helpful hints!  

However as the daughter of a life member of the ABA and a breastfeeding consultant/counsellor for years and watching first hand the help and soothing motherly presence she was in so many new mother's lives (INCLUDING the ones who ended up FF) I would suggest that you ask the next person who offers to buy you something for the baby..

"What I would really like is ABA membership - it is $65 - that is what I would really like."  I know that I would be thrilled if a friend asked me for that as a gift.

#6 Marchioness Flea

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:50 AM

I agree with Countrymel. I found the ABA class was worth the cost of the membership. The one class taught me so much, more than the midwives or a book could.
Not just the mechanics of feeding, but the best ways to get support and deal with problems.
Do tell your OB or the hospital about your previous problems and they should be able to help you more this time round.
but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. While I'm pro BF, I'm also pro doing what's best for you and your baby, and it may well be formula is best for you both.

And don't stress about it this early! I think you are going to make it into such a  huge thing in your mind for so long, you will struggle again. Go to a class, TRY  in the days after your baby is born, but you've got ages till the baby comes. You might find this next baby takes to BF like a duck to water and all the worry will be for nothing.

And make sure you get the baby's tongue checked for a tie as early as possible to help reduce the chance of problems. I think a tongue tie is one of the main reasons babies have a bad latch, and not everyone looks at it as a cause(from what I've heard anyway).

#7 lucky 2

Posted 17 January 2013 - 10:51 AM

QUOTE
I do have a plan in place I will try to learn as much as i can, I will only enlist the help of the hospitals lactation consultant and no midwives, me and I baby will work together to try this out, I will not be having visitors until i feel comfortable with BF. past that im open for tips or alterations to this plan

Sounds like a good plan Jelly.
Were are you Jelly, which state, perhaps then we could give specific resources for your local area?
Does the hosp where you will be birthing have a LC service?
If so I'd encourage you to take yourself to a antenatal appointment with the LC to tell her what you have written here and go from there.
This is commonly done by women who have had problems with bfing in the past.
There certainly needs to be more than just the words "bfing is best", practical assistance, timely assistance, good quality assistance from knowledgeable persons who can tailor the the advice to suit your individual needs.
The other thing to consider is that this new baby will be different, ie same boobs, different baby so who knows, it may be easier.
Also you are a bit older and perhaps more confident or assertive and self aware from your previous experiences, this will be of benefit to you.
Good on you for posting and I hope we can help you with your preparation to breast feed in an honest and caring way, thanks for letting us share your journey.
All the best.

ps, I b'fed whilst taking medication for depression, I even had a stint in a hospital and dd came with me whilst I had further treatment for depression. That was ok for me because bfing had become effortless by that stage. When bfing is going well (as it might this time) it can be a marvellous positive bonding thing to do for both mother and baby within the experience of depression, it's when bfing isn't going well that it can be counter-productive to a mothers well being.
You might also benefit from the services of the mental health team at your hospital, this also is common if you have experienced pnd in the past.
Resources that may be of help-
http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/forums/ind...howtopic=951741
The above is a pinned topic in this forum for women who have not had successful bfing experiences
http://www.rebeccaglover.com.au/
The LC above produces a lot of teaching resources that health professionals use and with her expanded website it is much more helpful for breast feeding women in general, there are pictures, descriptions and even access to her videos online. This is good for all of the basics of positioning and attachment, I don't think it is too technical.
https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bfinfo/whe...doesnt-work-out
This article also addresses "Breast feeding take 2", ie bfing after a difficult first bfing experience.

#8 Bunsen the feral

Posted 17 January 2013 - 11:05 AM

I ff DS1 from 3 months after struggling with breast feeding, it is so hard to come to terms with "failing" at something you know to be so important despite trying so bloody hard to make it work.

Second time around I armed myself with knowledge about the specific problems I had - knowing in advance what to do was so much better than floundering for advice when over tired and stressed. I also gave myself permission to give up sooner if I encountered the same problems again - I figured putting myself under such pressure wasn't going to help.

Ds2 was a very different feeder which helped with a lot of my problems, and I fed him to 18 months
original.gif

Edited by Bunsen, 17 January 2013 - 11:10 AM.


#9 Tesseract

Posted 17 January 2013 - 02:07 PM

There are lots of women on here who can give you their experiences about breastfeeding a second child after a bad experience the first time.

In regards to the guilt, I really hope you can move past it, because you did do the best thing for your baby. I've found that when I have guilt or regret about a parenting decision I find it helps to give myself permission to feel upset about it, while at the same time reminding myself that I did do what was best. So many things in parenting are such a balancing act between needs, priorities, risks etc. It sounds like you are grieving for the loss of the breastfeeding relationship with your son that wasn't to be. It's ok to feel that grief. It's also ok to be damned angry at our health system that goes on and on and on about the benefits of breastfeeding but leaves women alone and floundering. But feeling that grief (and anger if that's you too) doesn't mean that you didn't do the best thing for your son.

#10 Fright bat

Posted 17 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

OP, all I can say is that as someone who 'failed' their first child and started formula at 3 weeks, and then went on to successfully breastfeed a second (after some initial issues) - it genuinely doesn't matter. I have just come out the other end of breastfeeding my second child; I weaned him this week. And (I know this is anecdotal) what I can tell you is this.

Both my boys are healthy.

Both my boys are well attached, happy, delightful clever little buggers.

I have bonded equally with both of them.

I love both of them equally.

I get the impression they both love me equally.

They both slept as well as each other.

They both took to solids as well as each other.

They both settled into childcare as well as each other.

I enjoyed feeding both my babies equally

I wrote a post only the other night about being sad to have given my baby his last breastfeed, but then I remembered how sad I was the day we decided my first no longer needed his dreamfeed (all his other milk feeds were in a cup), and I could no longer creep in, pick up his warm floppy squidgy body and cuddle him as he slept and drank his bottle - I am no more sad to give up breastfeeding as I was to give up bottle feeding

No one on the street would be able to tell which was breastfed and which was bottle fed.

My boys themselves would never be able to tell which was breastfed and which was bottle fed. I would not keep this deliberately a secret, but I also cannot envision any scenario in which this would come up in common conversation, or either would care one way or the other.

I think we should encourage breastfeeding at a population level. But as an individual - do what works for you. How you feed them in this one year out of the 80 or more they will be alive is such a small drop in the ocean of factors that may or may not influence a variety of social/emotional/health outcomes that the whole rhetoric is sometimes dazzlingly irrelevant.

What your babies need is a mum who is relaxed and happy. Everything else is fluff.

#11 Suz01

Posted 17 January 2013 - 09:31 PM

I wish you all the best and hopefully you get the help you need. I feel so sad reading your post as it feels like the system failed you the first time.

It sounds like you have a wonderful DH.

#12 ez21

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:03 AM

Hi OP,  I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.  I really admire you for posting such a truthful and heartfelt story.

Second breastfeeding experiences can be completely different, so don't fill your heart with fear.  Your plan is a great one.  If possible, establish some good breastfeeding support now, support that you are comfortable with and trust is going to be best for you and your individual circumstances.  There are people in this forum who can help with locating this support in your area.

If breastfeeding doesn't work, don't blame yourself.  Stand tall and be proud of what you have achieved. Don't listen to people who may air their opinions without knowing your circumstances - they are just ignorant and judgmental.

You have shown a great deal of strength in your post and I wish you the best of luck.



#13 lucky 2

Posted 18 January 2013 - 09:16 AM

I've re-read your OP, things can be a lot different this time so I hope they will be.
I wont try to ease your mind by saying that breast feeding doesn't matter, that it is not important or is equal to the substitute we have available (formula) because breastfeeding is important on an societal (public health perspective) and individual level for many reasons, and I know you know this.
But, the rhetoric should be "breast feed or at least breast milk feed if you can", that is how it is phrased in the SIDS Guidelines (it is the newest and 6th guideline).
I hope you get the help you may need this time for the long haul, ie ongoing expert lactation support during your hospital stay, post discharge and into your local community.
I could imagine the stress and fear about what might happen when your new baby arrives, I know you don't want to go down the same path or even a very similar path but unfortunately it is to be expected that you will have fear (or any other feeling) as you approach birth.
This is very common because there a loads of women in the same situation as you and they do worry and stress a lot and can take many different approaches.
How you approach this experience is totally up to you, however you feel is valid and you have your reasons and how you manage your feelings after your child is born will be what it will be.
The most important thing I think you can do is exactly what you are doing, preparing, forewarned is forearmed.
I just hope it isn't the battle it was last time and that there is a peaceful solution (whatever that may be) for both you and your baby.
All the best.




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