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Do you think this is disrespectful? I feel disrespected anyway.

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14 replies to this topic

#1 treetree

Posted 16 January 2013 - 09:55 PM


Edited by treetree, 22 January 2013 - 11:25 PM.

#2 CallMeFeral

Posted 16 January 2013 - 10:11 PM

He's acting like one of the kids, making you the only rule enforcer, and 'parent' in the house. And the baddy.

Some time, maybe on a weekend so it won't affect your kids school, I'd just have a go at being the child. Let him know that it's your turn to be irresponsible, and then just go for it. Don't cook dinner, don't get to bed, undermine him if/when he tries... and make DAMN sure that HE'S the one who has to cop the fallout of tired cranky kids the next day. Book a spa or something for yourself for the second day.

At the end of a couple of days of this, you can have a discussion with him about how hard it is to enforce rules, and that's why it needs two of you to do so.

I can see why you feel disrespected. I think in your place, I wouldn't feel disrespected as it's more like your DH being irresponsible and non-forward thinking. But I'd certainly feel very hard done by and alone in the parent role, and be getting it sorted out ASAP!

#3 Fossy

Posted 16 January 2013 - 10:23 PM

Yes, you lost me at
I cook dinner. Every night. Every single night.

#4 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 16 January 2013 - 10:32 PM

if dinner is important to you, then I'd be saying 'sorry, you've missed dinner, go make a sandwich' if they didn't come when warned and reminded.
I'd have a printed chore list, and you don't get tv etc until the chores are all done. If he tells the kids not to worry, the that chore becomes his.

#5 Cherish

Posted 16 January 2013 - 10:38 PM

Sounds like he needs to lift his game to me

#6 ~shannon~

Posted 16 January 2013 - 10:50 PM

I also cook every night (not really by choice, just that DH can't even boil water - his cooking is terrible but he contributes to the household duties in other ways) and I also get annoyed when I call everyone for dinner and they take ages to show up.

Now what I do is start eating on my own without them. Their dinner sits there going cold, while I enjoy the peace and quiet or flick the TV onto whatever I want to watch. It's rare for me to be able to finish dinner without interruptions (child wants a drink, child spills something, child has a tantrum, etc).
Usually the children are around so they join me at the table, but if DH takes his time to come to the table, then that's his problem.

As for chores.... I wouldn't stand it if DH was lazy. I would breathe fire on his backside to make him take some responsibility for running the household as well as child-rearing. I don't think stooping to his level will help the situation (ie. don't do anything and see if he likes it) because men don't care as much as we do. I would simply tell him straight how you need his help and give him a list.

(Edited to correct spelling)

Edited by ~shannon~, 16 January 2013 - 10:51 PM.

#7 AntiBourgeoisie

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:00 PM

I don't think its 'disrespectful'.

I think he needs to start acting like he's the other parent in the family though.

#8 ubermum

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:01 PM

People treat you the way you let them treat you. You are letting him walk all over you and teach the kids to do the same.

#9 kpingitquiet

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:03 PM

Get yourself a Chow Bell (triangle or bell type) and ring it when grub is up. Sit down, enjoy your meal with whomever shows up. Everyone else eats cold food or makes a sandwich.

And I definitely agree with the chore chart, with Dad having the first line on the list!

As for the time-together and bedtime issues, I'd pick a calm, non-critical moment (easy to say when I only have one kid, I know) and communicate about it.

#10 Phascogale

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:29 AM

I'm not sure whether disrespected is the right word.  I would feel very annoyed and cranky so I hear what you are saying.

And I agree with PP's who say that your husband is acting like another child.  I have one of those too but he's realised just how much work I do when I become the primary breadwinner this year (hopefully for not too much longer).

I agree with PP's, call out for dinner.  If your husband doesn't come then let him eat it cold.  

With the movie stuff - as it was holidays I would've let that go but your husband would be responsible for getting said child to bed and up in the morning (if you have to wake the child then I wouldn't let it go as it makes your life harder).  You may have to compromise things like this and have them on the weekend.

You could go on strike and only do what you have to one week/weekend so your husband has an idea of what you actually do - only do bare minimum for the kids ie baked beans on toast for dinner (or whatever).  Better would be if you go away for a couple of days (you'd have to take the baby if they're really young as you're breastfeeding) and then he has to do everything (unless he'll palm the child care off to his mother or something).

But you'll need to find some time to have a chat with him (out to dinner just the two of you if you have a baby sitter) and come to some compromise.  Don't blame him but start with I statements ie I feel disrespected when I've said the child he needs to go to bed at 8pm and then he's told he can watch a movie rather than 'it's your fault the child doesn't go to bed when I tell him because you told him something else'.  Badly phrased but you get the idea.

#11 miinii

Posted 17 January 2013 - 07:53 AM

I dont think i would use the word disrespectful if it were my hubby who did it. Only because it would probably only be because whatever he was doing he literally could not put down that second and come in. Usually he is sitting there waiting for his dinner to be ready.

It does sound like your hubby is being very childish though and maybe you need to have a talk to him and explain how he is making you feel when he acts this way

#12 snuffles

Posted 17 January 2013 - 07:55 AM

Agree, he's behaving like one of the children.  Parents need to be a united front.

OT but ubermum that sig is so so wrong (my eyes!  my eyes!)

#13 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 17 January 2013 - 07:56 AM

QUOTE (kpingitquiet @ 16/01/2013, 11:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Get yourself a Chow Bell (triangle or bell type) and ring it when grub is up. Sit down, enjoy your meal with whomever shows up. Everyone else eats cold food or makes a sandwich.

Agree with this.  I give a final warning and then I sit down to have dinner.  If the kids or DH don't come then, that's their choice and I have learnt not to stress about it.  Nowdays, everyone sits down reasonably quickly - I rarely start eating by myself.

Also, stop cooking dinner every single night.  Your DH can manage at least one night.  My DH cooks at least one night during the week, that's the deal. Not take-away - cooks a meal. Each week, write up a list of meals that we have ingredients/food for and we cross the meals off as we go.  DH simply looks at the list, picks a meal and goes from there.  In the beginning, I had a small folder that had the recipes for some of our more common meals (eg. stir fry, spag bol, even how to make up a salad!).  DH just followed the instructions and learnt from there.  Now, he can make meals without the cookbook. HOWEVER, if you are not cooking the evening meal in this house, you are doing the kids bath and general house clean-up with the kids (picking up toys, putting away books, putting away pencils/markers, etc). I prefer to cook rather than chase after the kids through baths and clean-up, so I think I have the better deal cooking 4/5 weeknights.  original.gif

Your DH is not doing anything because that's what he wants and that's what is being perpetuated.  Of course he isn't going to change anything - the current arrangement suits him very well. If you want change, you have to stop the pattern of behaviour, starting with yourself.

#14 twinboys

Posted 17 January 2013 - 08:03 AM

If you have a BBQ get your DH to cook the meat a couple of times a week.

It is very interesting to see the way my DH acts when he has cooked the meat ( Yes I made the salad, marinated/prepared the meat, given him all the implements and trays he needs and set the table) It is like he has cooked the meal from scratch and we all have to sit and praise the way the meat was turned over on the hotplate and then plonked on the tray wink.gif

If your DH is cooking on the BBQ he will hopefully see how annoying it is when people disregard the call out when dinner is ready!
It also will get him more involved with the night time routine!

#15 MinkyMonkey

Posted 17 January 2013 - 08:13 AM

QUOTE (CallMeAliG @ 16/01/2013, 10:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
He's acting like one of the kids, making you the only rule enforcer, and 'parent' in the house. And the baddy.

yyes.gif nail on the head.

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