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being ok with being late
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#1 Bob-the-skull

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:52 AM

I have a massive problem with being late... i can't tolerate being late ever...

whilst this doesn't seem like a bad thing, life happens and sometimes i will run late - but this sends me in to a panic.. i get angry, i get distressed, everything sets me off.

Generally i deal with this by not allowing myself to run even close to being late (we are early everywhere), but now i work more and more i find myself getting in to situations that run close to time (i am never late for work). Plus DP is a person who is ALWAYS late so i think he has made me worse because now i try and factor in his delays when adjusting time we need to leave etc.

DP says i need to stop caring for most of it, that it doesn't matter if the boys are a few minutes late to karate, or if we are a few minutes late to dinner because everyone else will be late anyway... but i can't!

How can i deal with it?

#2 wallofdodo

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:57 AM

Ah yes, being late is a trigger for my anxiety.

I was told when it starts to build I think to myself, what is actually going to happen if we are late? Then if it is going to be a big deal, try and work with it. But usually I realise that it is not going to be a big deal if we are late.

Then I used my mindful techniques and ground myself.

It is awful, I get so cranky and sullen. Usually ends up ok. I just need to crank for a minute, then I need some silence to do above, then I am ok. Except for Christmas, if I am late for Christmas, I have a breakdown... being late to Christmas once is what started it all.

But yes, I usually am not late, even when I try to be (like to dinner with specific friends) I am still the first there.

Edited by wallofdodo, 16 January 2013 - 11:58 AM.


#3 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:57 AM

To be honest, I don't see why you should change?

Being on time (or early) is a great thing!  And it's becoming less and less valued in our society.

I feel the same as you - I become quite distressed with being late for anything.  It's important to me to be punctual.  



#4 Bob-the-skull

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:59 AM

QUOTE (♥~Bodhichitta~♥ @ 16/01/2013, 12:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To be honest, I don't see why you should change?

Being on time (or early) is a great thing!  And it's becoming less and less valued in our society.

I feel the same as you - I become quite distressed with being late for anything.  It's important to me to be punctual.


the part that needs to change is i am horrid to be around when i am running late (or think i am).

I snap at everyone, growl at the kids for not doing things fast enough... i even snapped at DS2 for needing to go the toilet last night because we were running late sad.gif

it is a major anxiety thing for me.

#5 cinnabubble

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:01 PM

It would actually be nice if the chronically late could become more conscientious, rather than on time people be expected to accommodate them.

#6 PurplePaperFrog

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:04 PM

Other people being late gives me anxiety and makes me snappy.

It's the thing I hate most! It can ruin a get together for me.

I have a friend that is at the very least 30 minutes late for everything. Its so inconsiderate. (She has been know to be up to 2 hours late!)

OP, being on time is great. I would work on just the anxiety part.

#7 Natttmumm

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:05 PM

Im always early and leave plenty of time. Irritates me when others are late.

Im happy with being that way. If i have friends i know are always late i tell them half an hour earlier.

If im late my anxiety goes up but i say to myself after a few deep breaths whats going to happen?? Nothing

#8 qak

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:06 PM

Yes I have a thing for punctuality too original.gif

I agree with wallofdodo - hopefully I can try to do this as well.

#9 beabea

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:09 PM

I think it's great that you're punctual, but you shouldn't be driving yourself to ill health over it.

Obviously when you can be on time, do it that way, and good on you!

For the other occasions I think wallofdodo has some great advice. You make sure you do your best and then you find a way to let the rest go. You ask yourself how important it is and what will happen. You take steps to remedy or make up for any downsides to your being late (at the least, try to phone ahead and inform of your lateness, adjust plans to meet up further along if appropriate, bring lattes! etc). You prioritise and take shortcuts to meet your times when this is reasonable, and on other occasions, when the priorities shake out differently, you remind yourself that sometimes you can't have everything and that this was the best possible of all the sub-optimal choices.

In short, rather than stressing fruitlessly, you try and take a pro-active approach in which you ask yourself what you *can* do from this point forwards to improve the situation as much as possible. Later, when the heat is off, you can do a full post-mortem and ask if there's anything you could change next time to prevent the situation in the first place.

Edited by beabea, 16 January 2013 - 12:13 PM.


#10 Caitlin Happymeal

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:12 PM

I don't know what the answer is OP, I have a very similar quirk. I have taken measures to start the year with as much control over my schedule as possible. Allowing more than enough time to do daycare drop off before getting to work. Thinking very carefully about when I make appointments. I'm just doing my best to control the things I can, and try to breathe and relax about the things I cant. Doesn't always work unfortunately.

But when every client I have booked in decides to run late just because its a Saturday and they "oops, slept in" I get stabby and anxious about my schedule.

Good luck working it out - if you find out how to manage this sort of anxiety, please let me know wink.gif

#11 Bob-the-skull

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:13 PM

DP is being trained to be on time... whether he likes it or not! There is no reason to be late just because you are being lazy/disorganised etc. He thinks its ok because his family are used to him, i won't tolerate it.

But i need to deal with when there is no option but to be late

#12 Floral Arrangement

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:16 PM

I am you OP could easily have written your post Dh is the polar opposite makes for interesting interactions at times.

I do try to heed PP's advice though.

QUOTE
I was told when it starts to build I think to myself, what is actually going to happen if we are late? Then if it is going to be a big deal, try and work with it. But usually I realise that it is not going to be a big deal if we are late.


I wish I was more laid back in this regard because I can feel my chest tightening, my blood pressure going up, I lose it. Def. not as bad as I used to be but need to calm down even more.

Edited by FloralArrangement, 16 January 2013 - 12:17 PM.


#13 lizzzard

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:22 PM

I like to be early too, and went through a period where I would be so snappy and irritable to those around me if we were running late. A few things I've done to help myself calm down about it:
1. as you said, I always build in waaaay more time to get ready than I think I need
2. I get myself ready completely first, then make sure I have plenty of time to help the kids get ready - so I'm not just directing them, and not moving fast enough....I can actually physically help them which helps me feel more in control of the process and actually keeps things moving
3. if I'm really going to be late, stopping and calling / texting to tell the people we're meeting that we'll be there at a new (realistic) time. This re-sets my goal and usually dissipated my anxiety significantly.
4. If there really IS nothing I can do (e.g.,we're caught in traffic) repeating to myself 'there's no use being upset, there is REALLY nothing I can do' and then distracting myself with chatting to the kids, reading a book etc. Again, letting people know I'm going to be late because I'm stuck in traffic usually makes me feel a lot better - at least people won't be waiting around for us.
5. If worst comes to worst and I just know it's useless, I have cancelled altogether! Sometimes I realise the event just isn't worth the stress original.gif

#14 je m'en vais

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:24 PM

Yep, another one here. Exactly the same so no advice.

#15 FeralBee

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:25 PM

Being on time is great, but being anxious is not so great!

(TL:DR alert!)

I know this might seem like overkill, but I would actually recommend booking a few sessions with a good psychologist. Having seen the difference the psych has made in my husband's depression and anxiety, it is so worthwhile.

It's not so much about lying on a couch talking about your feelings (unless that's what you want to do!) but about giving you skills and mechanisms for coping with the things that make you feel anxious so that those feelings don't take over.

If you go to http://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsycholo...tm_campaign=FaP you should be able to find someone specialising in anxiety in your area, and then ask your GP for a referral so that the government will subsidise sessions.

There are also some options available to get free or very cheap treatment, which I can go into more detail on if you are interested :-)

If you really do feel that this is having a negative impact on you and your family then it's absolutely worth doing something about it.

#16 #YKG

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:26 PM

Oh OP I understand I HATE being late and ppl being late, drives me batty. My DP is also always late so I now tell him the time of 30 mins before we have to leave is time for departure and am combatting the time and lateness issue.

I say don't change just tell everyone else an earlier time for departure and leave without them if not ready in time.

#17 crazyone2989

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:29 PM

I am the same. I have a chronically late friend and I just found out why, she goes oh I will just do this first and this on the way and oh this won't take long, it won't matter if I am a bit late... UMMMMM yes it does matter it is rude and you didn't need to browse for a jacket on the way to meeting people when you were already late!! Makes me stabby when I find out people are late because they just don't care!

#18 Mamma_mia

Posted 16 January 2013 - 12:31 PM

Same problem here. DH, DS and I travel to to school and work together. Even once DS and I are ready, we have to wait around for DH - drives me mad. I spend every work/school morning shouting and getting stressed out. sad.gif I'm all about leaving the house on time - if we then get stuck in traffic I don't stress out, as know that is out of my control, and I'm more worried about having a car accident (by speeding) than being late.

The worst thing DH every did in this regard: We had to be somewhere by a certain time, or we would have missed out together (Lego exhibition). I kept nagging DH to get up, and he wouldn't. Then when he finally did, he got himself ready very slowly. Then once we were on the road, he started driving very fast/speeding. It was making DS and I nervous and we asked him to slow down. Then the police pulled us over and gave us a ticket. DH then announced (once the policeman had gone) that it was all my fault for nagging him about being late! ohmy.gif  rant.gif

Edited by Mamma_mia, 16 January 2013 - 12:33 PM.


#19 Holidayromp

Posted 16 January 2013 - 01:34 PM

DH hates being late too.  He will b**ch, whine, sulk and generally make people's lives a misery.  However he will happily sit there and watch me race around getting everything ready and not offering any help and expecting me to tell him what to do.  The last time this happened it was for a pre-christmas gathering - I was running around for an hour before hand getting everything ready and he was making digs at me about being late.  Well if you got off your fat a*se buster we would have made it on time as it was we were almost an hour late.
If we are on time we are on time - I cannot make miracles happen when I have no support to do so.  It is simply not worth the stress.

#20 Queen Yoda

Posted 16 January 2013 - 02:00 PM

QUOTE (Mamma_mia @ 16/01/2013, 12:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The worst thing DH every did in this regard: We had to be somewhere by a certain time, or we would have missed out together (Lego exhibition). I kept nagging DH to get up, and he wouldn't. Then when he finally did, he got himself ready very slowly. Then once we were on the road, he started driving very fast/speeding. It was making DS and I nervous and we asked him to slow down. Then the police pulled us over and gave us a ticket. DH then announced (once the policeman had gone) that it was all my fault for nagging him about being late! ohmy.gif  rant.gif

Okay, that would have really annoyed me.  Particularly as your DH is teaching your children to not take responsibility for actions and consequences.  Plus, in front of your kids, he was painting you to be the meanie.  What an immature git! There would have been a few thunderbolts if DH tried to pull that on me.

#21 beabea

Posted 16 January 2013 - 02:07 PM

I have to say that whilst I agree being on time is a great thing so far as it goes, a little sympathy for the other side is a good thing, too. People who are "chronically late" may have poor organisational skills or generally poor focus. Would you be upset with them for having genuinely poor maths skills? (Oh that so-and-so, she's always forgetting to carry the one! It's so rude! I'm so fed up with her!) Or poor grammatical skills? (Don't answer that - I know a lot of people really do get fed up with people for this, lol!)

In addition, some people have families whose organisational skills are better, so they don't have to do as much organising to get their children/husbands there on time - it is definitely a bigger task for some people, even when they, themselves, are organised.

So yes, I think there is merit in being on time, but I think it's worth realising that this is easier for some people than others. I am a great believer in "reasonable efforts".

I also think it's worth appreciating that there is value in being flexible, adaptable and distractable. My father is always late - I'm sure he'll even be late to his own funeral. If you turn your back for two seconds he will be "noticing" something instead of doing what you told him to do. Drives you mad when you are trying to organise a group of people and he's one of them. Seems like (if you're not careful) everyone will always be standing around waiting for him and it can get annoying.

On the other hand, sometimes he notices things that are of general interest to the group (in other words, what he's doing instead of "being on time" turns out to be more valuable to everyone than being on time). Sometimes it turns out that the plan we are all trying to stick to is not as good as what he's spontaneously decided to do, or caused to happen through his lack of focus. And when the plan does go out the window, he's usually the best one to turn to to pick up the pieces (having had much practice with failed plans, I guess).

So the trick is not insisting he always follows the schedule, but in managing the group to take advantage of the fact that he has trouble sticking to the schedule - to minimise or eliminate the negative impact of this trait and to maximise the positives.

Edited by beabea, 16 January 2013 - 02:14 PM.


#22 Guest_AllegraM_*

Posted 16 January 2013 - 02:14 PM

I hate being late too. It is just rude and is valuing your time above the time of the people you are meeting.

Luckily DH and I are chronically punctual. I would go crazy if my need to be on time was undermined by a tardy partner.

The very mean side of me enjoys watching latecomers turned away at airline check-ins, with their flailing arms and threats never to fly with x again. So few tardy people ever have to face consequences for their actions. I am sure a small percentage of them do have genuine unavoidable reasons for being late but most are simply disorganised.

#23 kuhla

Posted 16 January 2013 - 02:23 PM

Being late is one of my pet hates.  In fact right now, I'm only looking on here because I'm waiting for someone who said they'd be here an hour ago.  

I think it's rude and disrespectful.  My time is just as important as theirs.  

Don't go changing OP!!!

I think my passionate hatred of it comes from my family (particularly my mother) being late for everything.  I remember when we were kids being the last ones to be picked up every afternoon - EVERY afternoon.  She wasn't a working mum.  Just at home on the phone usually

#24 Sunny003

Posted 16 January 2013 - 02:31 PM

Oh man, I feel your pain!

We are ALWAYS late. DH sucks at organisation & time management. He'll say 'I'm just going to Robs for 15mins' I'm like, it takes you 15mins just to get there!  rolleyes.gif

You could always make sure you leave a Buffer. Eg you need to leave by 11.45, make sure everyone's ready by 11.15/11.30, & then they get free time wink.gif

With 2 kids with SN & now a newborn (oh and DH!) I just go with the flow now, otherwise my BP would be sky high sad.gif

#25 TeaTimeTreat

Posted 16 January 2013 - 02:32 PM

I am the same OP, it comes from growing up with a mother who was always late for everything, I would get so upset and anxious about walking the room with everyone staring at me because I was late.

I will never do that to DS.






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