Jump to content
Putting off TTC when friend is having trouble
26 replies to this topic
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:27 PM
Have you ever put off TTC because someone you were close to was having trouble concieving?
Won't go into much detail but basically if someone close to you was having trouble concieving, not yet at IVF stage but had multiple miscarriages, etc, would that tempt you to pause your own TTC journey out of, I don't know, not sympathy, but just not feeling 'right' about having a baby?
If you decided to proceed with TTC anyway, would you tell them you were trying, or just wait until their was a pregnancy to announce?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:34 PM
No I think that would be silly.
I have recently found out I have a poor ovarian reserve. I am only 31 and have the eggs of a 41 year old. If I thought that way my chances may have been completely over.
Why tempt fate?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:42 PM
I think it's lovely of you to think that way...but I probably wouldn't do it.
Admittedly the reason I am not doing an IVF cycle this month is primarily because I want to support a good friend who is, and to focus on her, but I wouldn't put off TTC generally because a friend was having trouble.
As one who waited years for her miracle, and endured more than her share of pregnancy announcements while TTC, and went through all the excited yet envious emotions that brings....I can certainly say that if I had known someone was waiting to TTC because of my situation I would have been upset. I never, ever wished anyone else NOT to have a healthy baby just because I was having trouble.
I wouldn't tell your friend you were TTC, unless you told her the other times (from your sig I think you have 2 children?). If you told her the other times then I would tell her, sensitively, because otherwise she might feel upset that you felt you had to hide it from her. If you didn't tell her the last times, I wouldn't now - why would she need to know?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:43 PM
While they may find it extremely difficult if you do fall pregnant, no one I know with fertility issues would want their good friend to wait on their account- what if you ended up having issues too?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:48 PM
We had trouble conceiving our second with infertility following a m/c, but I would not have expected nor wanted anyone to put off their own ttc journey because of me. Having said that, close friends of ours did announce their second pregnancy just before what should have been my due date in a group setting in a crowded cafe while my DH was out of town, and I felt that could have been handled a little more sensitively (they knew what had been going on with us), but I was still excited for them and happy to visit their baby when she arrived.
I think I did however see my s-i-l's face visibly relax with relief when we announced this pregnancy, and it was not long after that I was talking to her and found out that they were ttc soon - I think she would have felt awkward had they concieved before we did, but it wouldn't have bothered me. I hope they didn't delay because of us - I can't wait to be an Auntie!
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:48 PM
we were having trouble ttc, and my friend openly knew that
she still (successfully - stupid troll fertile myrtles) ttc and announced she was pg with #2
i think she knew that i wanted to punch her in the back of the head, but i was still over the moon for her!!!!
ps.. i may have tied her into her wedding dress a little more snuggly.. lol
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:48 PM
As a person who had difficulty conceiving, yes it was tough hearing people's pregnancies even my own sisters! I would honestly would not do this, you have your own life journey and if TTC now is part of that, then do so. Don't do it because you could regret it later in life, you may have difficulties too in TTC your next one. You could hold that person responsible for not completing your family and that could lead your friendship to a dark place and it may come back to bite you.
Even when I had my dark days in TTC endeavours I would not dream of telling those nearest to stop or put on hold their desires because that would hurt our friendship because I would hate to be responsible in them not completing their family.
It is an honourable thing to do but don't let a friend's predicament dictate to you the terms in how you live your life. Of course be ultra sensitive in telling her expect her to take her time to be ok with the news and be upfront that you are TTC too may help her better with the eventual pregnancy news.
Good luck and I hope you come to a decision you are happy with. Remember you have to live with your choices, she does not have to hold carte blanch to your TTC and if thinks she does then that is selfish imo.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:50 PM
Actually I was having almost this exact discussion yesterday with my friend who is having fertility issues. She practically begged me to start trying for kids sooner rather than later. Her reasoning was that IVF sucess rates decrease as you age & it's a long process to get there.
Once I told her I'd been trying for the last 7 months, she then made me promise not to give up & to get my butt to the GP if nothing has happened after 12 months.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:50 PM
Yes we did consider this, as my best friend was undergoing IVF after a few years of TTC. Ultimately we decided
a. there was no way of knowing for sure if we were going to have fertility issues and it could take us a few years of TTC.
b. her younger sister got pregnant and had a baby while they were TTC - if her own sister couldn't wait than why should we?
8 years later we have been blessed with 2 children and they sadly still have none. But looking back I am glad we didn't wait as it may have made our journey even harder, or else we would still be waiting.
I wouldn't tell her you were trying - but then I wouldn't tell anyone else. Why do you need to tell people anyway? I just assume when people get married or live together at some stage they will have children -unless they have told me otherwise.
Although when we were staring IVF we did tell a few people, including her, and she was surprisingly unhelpful anyway! (I think because she had a lot of IVF without success, she was emotionally preparing for ours to be successful by withdrawing herself from the situation - just seems to be her way of coping).
Edited by luke's mummu, 15 January 2013 - 03:06 PM.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:50 PM
No need to. Conceiving is not easy in some cases but the world doesn't stop. Just don't announce that you are trying and if you do conceive, don't brag about how easy it was. I'd also keep quiet for the first trimester. Bothers me when people announce early at a time when I'm petrified of a loss.
Edited by aidensmum, 15 January 2013 - 02:54 PM.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:55 PM
No I wouldn't and no i haven't.
One of my close friend's has been TTC for 2 years. She started TTC after she found out I was pregnant with DS.
I am now pregnant with my second and she is still TTC. I don't rub it in her face. I support her through her fertility tests and I am there for her. I don't tell her to relax and it will happen. I think we both have a mutually respectful relationship. She shows interest, but I have told her if she'd prefer not to talk about it, that's okay too.
At the end of the day you can't put your life on hold.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:58 PM
I have been 'that friend'. I wouldnt want others to put on hold their own plans for my sake. Its completely your choice.
What I found more difficult was that people held me at a distance for fear of upsetting me. That hurts deeply. I am not that shallow that I cant celebrate my neices arrival. Please dont shield me like some disease carrier. PCO infertiltity aint contagious.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:03 PM
No I wouldn't, but I would tell them we were trying so that it wasn't a surprise.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:03 PM
I wouldn't expect a friend to put TTC on hold.
I would expect them to let me know about it with sensitivity, but be prepared that she might still have a strange reaction.
I can never predict how I'm going to react to that kind of news. I do know that my worst reactions are when a pregnancy is anounced that I had no inkling of and I'm in a public group setting where poeple don't know my problems (and I don't want them to) and I'm expected to put on a happy face and just be excited for them. I can manage this is I have a heads up but if not I may just smile and make a stratigic exit.
I would let her know you are ttc.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:07 PM
Just FTR, I am not currently TTC. It is just a strong possibility in the near future.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:21 PM
Heavens no. Although in our case we were the infertile couple and watched everyone have babies here there and everywhere.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 04:13 PM
Having been that person suffering infertility I would say no don't put it off but definitely tell them you are going to start TTC so they can prepare for the announcement.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 06:11 PM
If you had a single friend who'd come out of a bad relationship(or just any relationship) would that stop you from going out with possibly the love of your life? Would your friend's divorce stop you from getting married to your long term partner?
You can't live your life dependent on other people's feelings. Yes, don't shove it in their face, but it's YOUR life, you do what you need to do.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 06:21 PM
By all means don't go singing from the roof tops if you do fall pregnant quickly, but you can't put your life on hold for other people. Be sensitive, be understanding if she does get upset, but there are no guarantees in life and you need to do what's right for you and your partner.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 06:57 PM
No, however it's a lovely way to think about it.
I had been TTC for nearly 8 years when a friend started and fell straight away. Never in a million years would I want her to stop her life because I couldn't fall. As life would have it our friendship isn't as close but I fell a year after she did.
You have a life OP you need to go live it.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:05 PM
As someone struggling with (secondary) infertility, there is no way I would expect people around me to not TTC themselves.
I wouldn't not TTC for someone else.
My journey is not about them, theirs is not about me
Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:19 PM
A very close friend of mine is a long term IVFer, and struggling in her TTC journey. She's always been very open with me about it, and tells me how she's going each stage. We talk daily.
When we were TTC I mentioned the concept once or twice, but didn't say the words "We are trying to have a baby." Telling her about our BFP was really difficult, but she took it like a trooper and was genuinely overjoyed. I could tell she was a little upset but she's been awesome.
ETA: She would have been horrified if we'd put off TTC for her sake.
Edited by Rebothy, 15 January 2013 - 07:23 PM.
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
The numbers have been crunched and it's official: Australian parents are having a bit of an 'O' moment.
Just like a horror movie ... THEY'RE BAAAAAACK. So what works in treating and avoiding head lice and nits?
It's obvious these people dote on their pets, but they're barking up the wrong tree.
The Duchess of Cambridge is in the early stages of labor at St Mary's Hospital.
My baby wasn't interested in food - until we tried something new. Now she's eating it all, and it often comes from my plate.
Watching your child take their first wobbly steps is one of the best parenting highs you'll ever experience. But with that high comes a new reality.
A watched womb never labours ... or at least mine didn't.
If the last time you assessed your health cover was five years ago, there?s a chance it may no longer suit your needs. To ensure it?s still right for your family, click here for seven questions to ask.
Rachelle Friedman Chapman was preparing to marry the man of her dreams when tragedy struck four years ago.
No matter what the occasion the world always seems to be waiting for Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Discovering your wife has just given birth on the toilet would be a surprise for anyone. But the shock would be even greater if neither you or your partner knew you were expecting a baby.
These five photos show some ghostly images - but are they real? Do you believe in the spirit world?
Does spending more time with your kids help their development? This is a more complex topic than it may seem.
A mother who opted for a 4D scan late in pregnancy discovered her unborn baby had a rare brain disorder.
"I think we were just tired of people talking, trying to tell our stories, and they had no idea, no clue, what we went through."
They say laughter is the best medicine. If that's true Tom Fletcher and his son should live long, healthy lives.
Do I feel 'smug'? No. Nor do I feel remotely superior. Each birth was valid and valuable in its own right, producing, as it did, a healthy baby.
The workplace isn't always a friendly place for pregnant women. Yet working women inclined to conceal a pregnancy from prying coworkers may be better off opening up and carrying on, according to a new study.
To celebrate Mother's Day this year we are giving you the chance to win one of five great prizes simply by telling us your story.
The popular TV host has no plans for a sibling for her new daughter Maggie.
There is so much pressure about having a baby who sleeps 'all night' , it's no wonder you worry about your baby if she wakes in the night.
Top 5 Articles
A new area on our site for all your playtime and learning fun with baby - specially brought to you by Fisher-Price Play IQ?. PLUS your chance to win a year's supply of toys.
This Mother's Day, treat yourself to possibly winning an ultimate Mother's Day gift pack valued at $250 including the Offspring Box Set. Enter now!
What makes some names have comebacks while others silently fade into oblivion? A few factors come into play.
Even though they're immobile and can't speak, there are plenty of ways you can engage and communicate with your newborn to stimulate their physical, cognitive and emotional development.
Elizabeth Edmonds' husband posted some devastating news on Facebook last year.
If you're a new mum and feeling ignored by the older mum/the old hand/the has-been, please know, it's not you, it's me. Blame the last child parenting fatigue.
The 'How I Met Your Mother' star has revealed that she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 25 - and was told she'd never conceive naturally.
What does your baby need to grow up healthy? The experts give their advice.
A UK coroner has warned of the dangers of a bedside cot after the death of a newborn baby who choked to death this month.
Babies are social beings who enjoy being around people they know and love, especially you.
Everyone agrees we need to do more to care for people at risk from suicide, the problem is what.
Having a new baby isn't tiring - it can be downright exhausting.
I was on a high. I'd done it all by myself with no help from anyone.
We're big fans of kids' birthday parties - but this is one bash we're glad we didn't get an invite to.
Everybody loves a bargain - including the Duchess of Cambridge.
A lengthy note put on the window of a fish & chip shop has gone viral due to the writer's serious doubts about the romance of travel.
Pregnant women are under pressure to do all the "right things" to have a healthy child. It results in women feeling judged about their decisions.
The mother of missing toddler William Tyrrell says she has a vision that somebody "picked him up and moved him on ... that's the only way ... to explain for him not to be there".
Most 23-year-old blokes spend their hard earned cash on fun times with mates or romantic dinners with their girlfriend, but not Tommy Connolly.
The first all-female quintuplets born in the United States were delivered last week, at 28 weeks and two days.
Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.
Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.
Top baby names
The numbers are in and we can now bring you the 2014 top baby name list for Australia.