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Putting off TTC when friend is having trouble
26 replies to this topic
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:27 PM
Have you ever put off TTC because someone you were close to was having trouble concieving?
Won't go into much detail but basically if someone close to you was having trouble concieving, not yet at IVF stage but had multiple miscarriages, etc, would that tempt you to pause your own TTC journey out of, I don't know, not sympathy, but just not feeling 'right' about having a baby?
If you decided to proceed with TTC anyway, would you tell them you were trying, or just wait until their was a pregnancy to announce?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:34 PM
No I think that would be silly.
I have recently found out I have a poor ovarian reserve. I am only 31 and have the eggs of a 41 year old. If I thought that way my chances may have been completely over.
Why tempt fate?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:42 PM
I think it's lovely of you to think that way...but I probably wouldn't do it.
Admittedly the reason I am not doing an IVF cycle this month is primarily because I want to support a good friend who is, and to focus on her, but I wouldn't put off TTC generally because a friend was having trouble.
As one who waited years for her miracle, and endured more than her share of pregnancy announcements while TTC, and went through all the excited yet envious emotions that brings....I can certainly say that if I had known someone was waiting to TTC because of my situation I would have been upset. I never, ever wished anyone else NOT to have a healthy baby just because I was having trouble.
I wouldn't tell your friend you were TTC, unless you told her the other times (from your sig I think you have 2 children?). If you told her the other times then I would tell her, sensitively, because otherwise she might feel upset that you felt you had to hide it from her. If you didn't tell her the last times, I wouldn't now - why would she need to know?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:43 PM
While they may find it extremely difficult if you do fall pregnant, no one I know with fertility issues would want their good friend to wait on their account- what if you ended up having issues too?
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:48 PM
We had trouble conceiving our second with infertility following a m/c, but I would not have expected nor wanted anyone to put off their own ttc journey because of me. Having said that, close friends of ours did announce their second pregnancy just before what should have been my due date in a group setting in a crowded cafe while my DH was out of town, and I felt that could have been handled a little more sensitively (they knew what had been going on with us), but I was still excited for them and happy to visit their baby when she arrived.
I think I did however see my s-i-l's face visibly relax with relief when we announced this pregnancy, and it was not long after that I was talking to her and found out that they were ttc soon - I think she would have felt awkward had they concieved before we did, but it wouldn't have bothered me. I hope they didn't delay because of us - I can't wait to be an Auntie!
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:48 PM
we were having trouble ttc, and my friend openly knew that
she still (successfully - stupid troll fertile myrtles) ttc and announced she was pg with #2
i think she knew that i wanted to punch her in the back of the head, but i was still over the moon for her!!!!
ps.. i may have tied her into her wedding dress a little more snuggly.. lol
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:48 PM
As a person who had difficulty conceiving, yes it was tough hearing people's pregnancies even my own sisters! I would honestly would not do this, you have your own life journey and if TTC now is part of that, then do so. Don't do it because you could regret it later in life, you may have difficulties too in TTC your next one. You could hold that person responsible for not completing your family and that could lead your friendship to a dark place and it may come back to bite you.
Even when I had my dark days in TTC endeavours I would not dream of telling those nearest to stop or put on hold their desires because that would hurt our friendship because I would hate to be responsible in them not completing their family.
It is an honourable thing to do but don't let a friend's predicament dictate to you the terms in how you live your life. Of course be ultra sensitive in telling her expect her to take her time to be ok with the news and be upfront that you are TTC too may help her better with the eventual pregnancy news.
Good luck and I hope you come to a decision you are happy with. Remember you have to live with your choices, she does not have to hold carte blanch to your TTC and if thinks she does then that is selfish imo.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:50 PM
Actually I was having almost this exact discussion yesterday with my friend who is having fertility issues. She practically begged me to start trying for kids sooner rather than later. Her reasoning was that IVF sucess rates decrease as you age & it's a long process to get there.
Once I told her I'd been trying for the last 7 months, she then made me promise not to give up & to get my butt to the GP if nothing has happened after 12 months.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:50 PM
Yes we did consider this, as my best friend was undergoing IVF after a few years of TTC. Ultimately we decided
a. there was no way of knowing for sure if we were going to have fertility issues and it could take us a few years of TTC.
b. her younger sister got pregnant and had a baby while they were TTC - if her own sister couldn't wait than why should we?
8 years later we have been blessed with 2 children and they sadly still have none. But looking back I am glad we didn't wait as it may have made our journey even harder, or else we would still be waiting.
I wouldn't tell her you were trying - but then I wouldn't tell anyone else. Why do you need to tell people anyway? I just assume when people get married or live together at some stage they will have children -unless they have told me otherwise.
Although when we were staring IVF we did tell a few people, including her, and she was surprisingly unhelpful anyway! (I think because she had a lot of IVF without success, she was emotionally preparing for ours to be successful by withdrawing herself from the situation - just seems to be her way of coping).
Edited by luke's mummu, 15 January 2013 - 03:06 PM.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:50 PM
No need to. Conceiving is not easy in some cases but the world doesn't stop. Just don't announce that you are trying and if you do conceive, don't brag about how easy it was. I'd also keep quiet for the first trimester. Bothers me when people announce early at a time when I'm petrified of a loss.
Edited by aidensmum, 15 January 2013 - 02:54 PM.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:55 PM
No I wouldn't and no i haven't.
One of my close friend's has been TTC for 2 years. She started TTC after she found out I was pregnant with DS.
I am now pregnant with my second and she is still TTC. I don't rub it in her face. I support her through her fertility tests and I am there for her. I don't tell her to relax and it will happen. I think we both have a mutually respectful relationship. She shows interest, but I have told her if she'd prefer not to talk about it, that's okay too.
At the end of the day you can't put your life on hold.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 02:58 PM
I have been 'that friend'. I wouldnt want others to put on hold their own plans for my sake. Its completely your choice.
What I found more difficult was that people held me at a distance for fear of upsetting me. That hurts deeply. I am not that shallow that I cant celebrate my neices arrival. Please dont shield me like some disease carrier. PCO infertiltity aint contagious.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:03 PM
No I wouldn't, but I would tell them we were trying so that it wasn't a surprise.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:03 PM
I wouldn't expect a friend to put TTC on hold.
I would expect them to let me know about it with sensitivity, but be prepared that she might still have a strange reaction.
I can never predict how I'm going to react to that kind of news. I do know that my worst reactions are when a pregnancy is anounced that I had no inkling of and I'm in a public group setting where poeple don't know my problems (and I don't want them to) and I'm expected to put on a happy face and just be excited for them. I can manage this is I have a heads up but if not I may just smile and make a stratigic exit.
I would let her know you are ttc.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:07 PM
Just FTR, I am not currently TTC. It is just a strong possibility in the near future.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 03:21 PM
Heavens no. Although in our case we were the infertile couple and watched everyone have babies here there and everywhere.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 04:13 PM
Having been that person suffering infertility I would say no don't put it off but definitely tell them you are going to start TTC so they can prepare for the announcement.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 06:11 PM
If you had a single friend who'd come out of a bad relationship(or just any relationship) would that stop you from going out with possibly the love of your life? Would your friend's divorce stop you from getting married to your long term partner?
You can't live your life dependent on other people's feelings. Yes, don't shove it in their face, but it's YOUR life, you do what you need to do.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 06:21 PM
By all means don't go singing from the roof tops if you do fall pregnant quickly, but you can't put your life on hold for other people. Be sensitive, be understanding if she does get upset, but there are no guarantees in life and you need to do what's right for you and your partner.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 06:57 PM
No, however it's a lovely way to think about it.
I had been TTC for nearly 8 years when a friend started and fell straight away. Never in a million years would I want her to stop her life because I couldn't fall. As life would have it our friendship isn't as close but I fell a year after she did.
You have a life OP you need to go live it.
Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:05 PM
As someone struggling with (secondary) infertility, there is no way I would expect people around me to not TTC themselves.
I wouldn't not TTC for someone else.
My journey is not about them, theirs is not about me
Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:19 PM
A very close friend of mine is a long term IVFer, and struggling in her TTC journey. She's always been very open with me about it, and tells me how she's going each stage. We talk daily.
When we were TTC I mentioned the concept once or twice, but didn't say the words "We are trying to have a baby." Telling her about our BFP was really difficult, but she took it like a trooper and was genuinely overjoyed. I could tell she was a little upset but she's been awesome.
ETA: She would have been horrified if we'd put off TTC for her sake.
Edited by Rebothy, 15 January 2013 - 07:23 PM.
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