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Wedding Wishing well
Ettiquette - is there such a thing?


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63 replies to this topic

#1 OzeMum

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:29 AM

So we've received the wedding invitation and in it is the dreaded tacky poem asking for cash.

I don't like doing the cash thing for presents and neither does DH.  Being asking for cash upfront makes me feel really uncomfortable.  So I thought ... hey it's just a suggestion not mandatory.  I'll buy a present - something that I know they will love.

Except I keep re-reading that damned poem and they've told me what they'd really love - and it's CASH.  So now I'm feeling uncomfortable about giving them a present instead of cash as of course I want to get them something that they'd like.   wacko.gif   Aghhh!

So is there any ettiquette?  Is it really OK to bring a present instead of cash or is it disrespectful and rude?  And if we do bring a present will they have somewhere for me to put it or will I have to secretly give it to the brides parents to give to them later - more embarrassment if the parents ask if I missed reading the poem!

TBH I have visions of rocking up to the reception with a big present, standing out like a sore thumb and having no-where to put the damn thing.  Meanwhile the other guests will be lining up with their cash to put in the wishing well thing and giving us the evil eye for going against the bride & grooms request.   sad.gif


#2 LilacSunset

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:34 AM

It's their wedding... it's not really about you, and what you would like.  I'd just give them the cash if that's what they've asked for.

#3 8yeargap

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:35 AM

I always assumed that if a wishing well was requested, that some guests would oblige and others would bring a gift.  However at my niece's wedding in November, with over 200 guests, only 2 families brought a gift, the others gave cash. And yes, they were huge boxes and they stood out!! In saying that though, I think it is still optional.  I know that *when* I get married (still waiting!!) it won't matter to me what option my guests choose.

#4 Agnodice the Feral

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:35 AM

Two weeks into the new year...

Well, I'll go pop some popcorn and get comfy.

#5 Feral Dinosaurus

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:36 AM



I have been the only one giving a gift when everyone else gave cash, the B&G were as gracious as ever but they are.

I have given cash and made donations to a 'honeymoon' fund also when I couldn't be a*sed shoping or thinking laughing2.gif

Nowadays I'm very busy and not as happy shopping as I once was so I would grab the opportunity to give cash.

To be fair to the B&G, these days a lot of people WANT to give cash and ask about it even if it's not on the invitation - my friends got married not too long ago and about two weeks after the invitations came out came a group email about presents and money because they were sick to death of everyone asking them what they wanted or if they just wanted cash.

As an aside, this thread could get big fast OP, everyone loves a WW thread biggrin.gif


#6 silver-rain

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:36 AM

I find it more disrespectful and rude to ask people for cash.  unsure.gif Gifts are not mandatory at weddings, if you choose to give them nothing, that's entirely up to you! If you prefer to give them a gift and they turn their nose up at it, then they didn't deserve it in the first place. You do what you feel comfortable with, the gift can go on the table with the wishing well or the parents of the bride can put it in their car if it's really going to be in the way, I wouldn't stress about that!


#7 NunSoFeral

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:38 AM

I hear you

To take a different route - perhaps gift certificates for an experience - hot air balloon, drift racing, spa indulgence, honeymoon flash dinner (if you know locale)- that you can put into an envelope?

That way you get to buy a present, and not get 'the' look' from all and sundry.

Otherwise I would be asking "I got you a present prior to getting invite - can I drop it around before wedding.?

#8 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:38 AM

So is there any ettiquette?   Depends on the wedding I suppose.  All the weddings I have been to have a table for gifts where there is also a well/box for people to drop in their card & cash.  I have never seen anyone get annoyed that they were given a gift rather than cash, or vice versa.  Most (decent) people are grateful for anything they are given.

As you say, it's just a suggestion to give them cash, it's not a mandatory requirement.

Is it really OK to bring a present instead of cash or is it disrespectful and rude? Yes, it really is okay to give an old-fashioned we-chose-it-for-you gift.  But I also think it is useful to consider the couple involved.  If both of them are older and have been living out of home for a while, they have more home gear than a 17 year old couple that are about to move out of home for the first time.

And if we do bring a present will they have somewhere for me to put it or will I have to secretly give it to the brides parents to give to them later - more embarrassment if the parents ask if I missed reading the poem! More than likely, there will be a table at the reception for gifts.  You can just drop it there.

#9 dimensionk

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:39 AM

It's totally fine to bring a present. And I suspect there will always be some that do.

For our wedding, (without poetry) we said presents weren't essential, but if you wanted to give a present and were after an idea, that we could really make use of contributions towards our honeymoon.

We mostly received cash, but we also received some presents and were happy. After all, they're presents! original.gif It was actually nice to get some, not just 100% cash (even though we were totally poor - weddings are expensive!).

#10 YandiGirl

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:40 AM

QUOTE (LilacSunset @ 15/01/2013, 09:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's their wedding... it's not really about you, and what you would like.


Really?

Everything I've ever believed with repsect to gift giving is evidently incorrect!

#11 erindiv

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:40 AM

Oh no, not another wishing well thread!

I'd give cash because that's their wish. Who cares? Give them as much as you'd spend on a gift. It's their wedding, not yours.

#12 PrincessPeach

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:42 AM

We had a wishing well, but our poem was worded so that if you wanted to buy us a gift that was fine as well.

Most times places will have a place to put a gift & especially if you buy a gift you know the couple will love, it should be well received.

#13 dimensionk

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:42 AM

Oh and if you're going to stress about it, just ask beforehand. wink.gif

#14 Puppy Love

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:45 AM

We had a wishing well for our wedding & I would not have minded people giving gifts. We did get a couple of gifts which were placed just around the wishing well by the reception place.I loved the gifts; a beautiful vase, picture frames etc.Do what you would like, they have asked you to be part of their special day & they might appreciate a special gift original.gif


#15 AllyK81

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:50 AM

We were silent on gifts on our invitation - after all, it's really up to our guests. We got a mixture of cash and presents and were grateful for everything.

Invitations that specify what couples would like do put me off side. It's just not necessary. If people need help, they will contact the couple's parents or the couple themselves. Most people are savvy enough to be able to choose a wedding gift, though, without their hand being held.

We got a frighteningly rude invitation last year. It had the couple's bank account number on it in lettering larger than the location of the reception (I specify reception because they got married O/S, so it wasn't even the actual 'wedding'). I was so mortified.

We gave  them a beautiful Vera Wang photo frame (as a beautiful photo frame is the FIRST thing you want after the wedding to display those gorgeous snaps). We put it next to their wishing well and it was fine. When we went to visit them, we saw the frame in pride of place with a beautiful photo in it. I feel much better about giving them that frame to display their lasting memories than I would have about making a direct deposit into their bank account.

However, I am aware this is a contentious subject and it is really each to their own OP. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

#16 Holidayromp

Posted 15 January 2013 - 11:53 AM

You will not be the only ones.  DH and I were invited to a wedding where there was a wishing well.  We had already forked out about two grand, on accomodation, travel costs, outfits etc just to get to the wedding and then to provide money for a wishing well was just too much and the amount we could afford to give would have only been very minimal so we took that minimal amount of cash and I went online to my favourite shops where I can stretch that minimal amount of money into something worth a great deal and we took that along.  There were heaps of other wrapped presents beside the wishing well so you do what works well for you.

#17 AllyK81

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:01 PM

That's another pet peeve of mine! People who have a destination wedding AND a wishing well/registry. Greedy - much?!

#18 SophieBear

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:02 PM

I had a wishing well at my wedding, before I found out how universally hated they are or perhaps that's just EB?

We did the poem but it did say, if you're unsure what to get us then money. We received gifts and we loved them!

Personally, even if people don't ask for cash, I give cash at weddings. I think 100 towels would be OTT and then they can buy whatever they'd like.

#19 namie

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:03 PM

QUOTE (gettheetoanunnery @ 15/01/2013, 12:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I hear you

To take a different route - perhaps gift certificates for an experience - hot air balloon, drift racing, spa indulgence, honeymoon flash dinner (if you know locale)- that you can put into an envelope?

That way you get to buy a present, and not get 'the' look' from all and sundry.

I love this idea.

#20 Feral Dinosaurus

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:10 PM

I think I will have a gift registry entirely at Tiffany's.

That way we either get pretty or cash, right?

In fact I might do that for my birthday too...

#21 Katie_bella

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:22 PM

Just give them cash, it's what they want.

Unless you are extremely close to them, how do you know what they really want in regards to a present.

There are many, many things about other people's weddings that you may not agree with or want for your own (huge bridal party, frou frou dress, beach setting etc), you'd never make a comment about that would you? Why is the present any different? Why can't you just be grateful that you got an invite to be a part of their day, free booze and a meal?

Their wedding, their choice. It's really that simple.

#22 December baby

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:29 PM

What I think is rude is when someone who knows you cannot make their wedding send an invite to that person and still include a gift registry card (sending the invitation is nice but don't include the gift registry card) - its like saying I know you can't make it to my wedding but I would still like a present from you!! Sooo rude to me!!


#23 Especially*Feral*

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:33 PM

I have never taken offence to a 'wishing well' poem. It makes it soooo easy for me to not go searching for a present that I hope they love... and will use.

If you want to buy a present, then by one. I dont think i've ever heard a B&G complain that someone gave a present instead of money.


Im sure the money is well put towards celebrating their honeymoon anyway.

Its not such a big deal in my eyes

#24 baddmammajamma

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:36 PM

QUOTE (AllyK81 @ 15/01/2013, 12:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We were silent on gifts on our invitation - after all, it's really up to our guests. We got a mixture of cash and presents and were grateful for everything.

Invitations that specify what couples would like do put me off side. It's just not necessary. If people need help, they will contact the couple's parents or the couple themselves. Most people are savvy enough to be able to choose a wedding gift, though, without their hand being held.

We got a frighteningly rude invitation last year. It had the couple's bank account number on it in lettering larger than the location of the reception (I specify reception because they got married O/S, so it wasn't even the actual 'wedding'). I was so mortified.


+ 1

I'm going to come across as an old fart on this one, but I don't think it's appropriate to express what sorts of gifts you want in a wedding invitation (whether it be a hint for money in poetry format or sharing a registry link in the invitation itself). As AllyK mentions, there are ways for people to get help if they need guidance on what to give without putting it in print in the invitation.

But then again, wishing wells are no skin off my nose -- so at the end of the day, to each his/her own. (But just for the record...when I am on my 2nd marriage as a 70-year-old cougar married to a 25-year-old cabana boy, we will NOT be having a wishing well! wink.gif )

OP, if you feel strongly that wishing wells are in poor taste, then go with some sort of gift.





#25 ~polly~

Posted 15 January 2013 - 12:40 PM

QUOTE (gettheetoanunnery @ 15/01/2013, 12:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To take a different route - perhaps gift certificates for an experience - hot air balloon, drift racing, spa indulgence, honeymoon flash dinner (if you know locale)- that you can put into an envelope?

That way you get to buy a present, and not get 'the' look' from all and sundry.

Otherwise I would be asking "I got you a present prior to getting invite - can I drop it around before wedding.?


I think this is a good option




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