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1.5 yrs later, my thoughts about my miscarriage


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#1 SusieBlue

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:44 AM

A close friend has just miscarried, and it has got me thinking about my miscarriage a year and a half ago and if there is anything I can tell her that might be helpful over the next few months. If you have anything to add, please do.

- The first few weeks afterwards I felt absolutely awful. I also found that I had a renewed period of grief 5 weeks later when a close friend announced a pregnancy and AF returned within a few days of each other. Now I can look back on that time as being terrible, but the strength of the emotion has thankfully died down.
- Doing something that completely occupied my mind e.g. going to the gym was helpful for dealing with the grief.
- I spoke to people about my miscarriage a lot. I found it was easier for me to be honest than to pretend that it hadn't happened. People were very understanding, and often had stories to share with me.
- I had counselling. This is not something I have told many people, because it was also related to issues in my marriage that I don't want everyone to know. I was pregnant again by the time I started counselling, so it helped me deal with my fears for my new pregnancy.
- Facebook was not very helpful. Pregnancy announcements etc. were very difficult to deal with.
- My counsellor recommended that we name our baby, write the baby a letter and then plant a plant with the letter in the soil. This was very helpful for closure, particularly for my husband. I still have the plant on my balcony (I made sure I picked something very hardy because I thought I wouldn't deal very well if the plant died!)
- I read books about others who had miscarried, and shed tears over their sad stories.

If I think of any more I will add them to the list!

#2 malibu71

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:58 AM

My miscarriage anniversary was this month - 2 years ago we lost out baby at 13 weeks.

It still hurts, we haven't been lucky enough to have a child which I think would help me.

The only other thing I would add - if she feels like it cry, just let it out, there is no point in holding it in - it doesn't necessarily make you feel better but it sometimes helps so you don't burst into tears at a less appropriate time.

Also to take as much time as you need, don't feel you have to conform to other peoples standards or beliefs this is such a personal loss that you need to do what you have to do.

#3 hanz33

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:08 AM

I had named my baby and bought a tree as some sort of 'outside' connection to the internal feelings I was feeling. I would just sit near the tree and mull over my feelings and what I was going to do next.

I was extremely lonely - It felt like nobody could understand the love that I had for this baby that I didn't have in my arms.

My sister in law was going on to have a healthy baby and that made things worse.

This forum helps allot.

Edited by Mariamsmum, 19 January 2013 - 05:55 AM.
Edited to remove signature


#4 Elippo

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:22 AM

I found I needed to talk but sometimes others weren't very good at listening (because the topic made them uncomfortable) and that I needed to realise that it wasn't a personal thing

My moods were (are) all over the place - some days I was fine and others I was quite depressed about it.

I went back to TTC straight away and then had another bout of depression when I failed to conceive that first cycle.

I would find myself getting angry over everthing and it took me a little while to realise it was because of feelings I had re the miscarriage which I hadn't dealt with.

#5 countrymel

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:29 AM

I still don't talk about it.  Not even with DP.

My baby was due at Christmas.. I have had three Christmases since then and they seem to be getting more difficult alas - I could feel myself getting really tense and a bit teary as my friends were describing their children's Christmas excitement..

Like PP if I had a child I don't think it would be as big a deal though.

#6 akkiandmalli

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:48 AM

QUOTE (SusieBlue @ 15/01/2013, 08:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A close friend has just miscarried, and it has got me thinking about my miscarriage a year and a half ago and if there is anything I can tell her that might be helpful over the next few months. If you have anything to add, please do.

- The first few weeks afterwards I felt absolutely awful. I also found that I had a renewed period of grief 5 weeks later when a close friend announced a pregnancy and AF returned within a few days of each other. Now I can look back on that time as being terrible, but the strength of the emotion has thankfully died down.
- Doing something that completely occupied my mind e.g. going to the gym was helpful for dealing with the grief.
- I spoke to people about my miscarriage a lot. I found it was easier for me to be honest than to pretend that it hadn't happened. People were very understanding, and often had stories to share with me.
- I had counselling. This is not something I have told many people, because it was also related to issues in my marriage that I don't want everyone to know. I was pregnant again by the time I started counselling, so it helped me deal with my fears for my new pregnancy.
- Facebook was not very helpful. Pregnancy announcements etc. were very difficult to deal with.
- My counsellor recommended that we name our baby, write the baby a letter and then plant a plant with the letter in the soil. This was very helpful for closure, particularly for my husband. I still have the plant on my balcony (I made sure I picked something very hardy because I thought I wouldn't deal very well if the plant died!)
- I read books about others who had miscarried, and shed tears over their sad stories.

If I think of any more I will add them to the list!


I lost my son At 18.5 weeks in oct 2011. I did everything OP that you did to get me in to a better emotional state. It was the hardest period if my life but i learnt so much about myself. My relationship with DH strengthened and we became pregnant in July 2012. We are due to have a dd in march. I honor all my children with their 13 week ultrasound with a picture on the wall. I have pictures if DS when he was born but they are confronting for some people where the ultrasound it shows I have had 4 beautiful children. I lost friends at this time as they didn't visit or take time to call in my greatest time if need.. Be there for your friend whatever way they need it.

#7 Bwok~Bwok

Posted 15 January 2013 - 10:47 AM

I got this poem from the hospital yesterday and it might help your friend - I know it did me!

A Prayer for Spring

Like springtime, let me unfold
And grow, fresh and new,
From this cocoon of grief
That has been spun around me.

Help me face the harsh reality of
Sunshine and renewed life,
As my bones still creak from
The winter of my grief
Life has dared to go on around me
And as I recover from
The insult of life's continuance,
I readjust my focus to
Include recovery and growth
As a possibility in my furture.

Give me strenght to break out of
The cocoon of my grief.

But may I never forget it as
The place where I grew my wings,
Becoming a new person
Because of my loss.

Janis Heil


#8 Fillyjonk

Posted 15 January 2013 - 01:29 PM

That is a perfect poem, bwokbwok.

I find it hard to believe it has been three years since my first miscarriage. It is still feels so raw and recent, especially having lost another baby in July. I am very lucky to have had my daughter between losses because I don't know how I would ever have broken out of the "grief cocoon" as per the poem. My love and highest respect for keeping on going to those of you who have not sad.gif

I guess if I was giving advice to your friend I would tell her that one day you will smile and even laugh again. It may not seem like it at the moment but one day life will start to feel a bit better. Also, as per the poem, she will come out of it as a different person - there will always be that heavy ball of grief and lost innocence but eventually she will be able to file it somewhere inside herself. It will always be there but not at the forefront.

Edited by with the goo goose, 15 January 2013 - 09:30 PM.


#9 honeymoon

Posted 15 January 2013 - 09:27 PM

Sadly I had a miscarriage last week, went in for the NT scan at 12w2d only to be told that there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I was booked in and had a D&C the next day.

It's such a devastating time, I've found that talking to others who've been through the same helps, just reading others stories on online support forums made me feel less alone. I bought a bracelet with an angel charm which I wear everyday and my DH has our 8 week ultrasound photo in a frame by the bed.

I think it's important to go through the emotions, I've been sobbing uncontrollably, angry to the point where I had to punch my pillow, but for the most part I'm numb and still in shock. I know time will heal but in the meantime I try to keep busy by walking, gardening, painting, whatever I can to occupy my mind. Talking to DH helps us both and has brought us closer which is a positive.

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who understands what she's going through and can help her through it. All the best x

#10 Riotproof

Posted 15 January 2013 - 09:44 PM

Talking is healing. Particularly with your partner. I think there is a common idea that they won't understand, and to a certain point that is true, but that doesn't mean they can't empathise. I think the shutting out is very hurtful and if you can't say it, you could always write it down. I sent my dh a link to a thread I have on another site about it, he never brought it up, but I know it helped him realise I wasn't being crazy.

Crying is okay. There are much worse things than crying at the sight of someone else's newborn.

Just because your family stop asking/ talking about it, doesn't mean they don't care. It does mean they don't know what to say.

It's not lineal. Don't expect to continually improve, there will be moments when you feel setback. It which new thing, each new milestone will gradually get easier.

It's okay to feel envy, it doesn't mean you are a horrible person.

Deactivating fb was the best possible thing I could do for about 6 months. L

#11 willsmumsos

Posted 17 January 2013 - 04:22 PM

This thread is a great idea. I think it's lovely that you are trying to help your friend OP.

My miscarriage was 7 months ago - I think about it every single day and still cry most weeks. I can't let it go. I haven't fallen preg again since and most likely won't which hurts so much.
I haven't done the planting a tree thing but think we should.
I have made a scrapbook page of a photo of me when i was pregnant (but didn't know it at the time the pic was taken) and i've hidden a secret journal panel in there with all my thoughts and feelings about losing bub 3.
DH is a good listener but doesn't say much.
I'm not sure why but I think I feel worse because I only knew I was pregnant for a few hours before my miscarriage began. I feel cheated. The fact that we fell accidentally pregnant when I was desperate for a 3rd child but DH was not (so we weren't TTC) makes it feel like I was robbed of my one chance at a third child.

My question is how do you live with your last pregnancy being a lost one? I'm going to go back to counselling again to try to help find an answer to that one.

People seem uncomfortable when you mention miscarriage - I think only woman who have experienced one can relate enough to care to listen to you.

Envy is awful. I hate myself for thinking negatively about people who I ordinarily would be so happy for. I can't believe how selfish I've become actually - I know my mothering of my other 2 children has suffered because of my obsession with the m/c and having another baby.

These forums are amazingly helpful. Thanks.

#12 hillplain

Posted 18 January 2013 - 01:29 PM

Wow, what a wonderful friend that you are.

I like many others here are member of this club too (twice). I am lucky to have a DH and a very good friend who will laugh, celebrate and cry with me through our journey. Whith our first loss my DH took it nearly as hard as I did. There were times that he could not be near me as he felt that how he was feeling was not emotionaly helpful to me at the time. These were the times that my friend stood in. She took me for me D&C when DH couldn't.

With my second loss DH was absolutly wonderful and stood by me they whole time.

My friend was there for me when I needed, took a back seat when I wanted to be on my own and was a great listener and cryer. I found that there were times when I needed all of this and she just understood.
I think that this is the most important.

I hope that this has helped you. I think that you are amazing reliving those no doubt hard times with your friend.

#13 TBen

Posted 03 February 2013 - 12:43 PM

I think the most important thing said to me after was that it was nothing that I did wrong, even so I was running through the list of things I did when I thought I wasn't pregnant (my bfp came late - probably after I had already miscarried according to my doctor) so I was coming up with ways to blame myself, which is not helpful.

The second thing that helped was being told that it doesn't mean I can't have a successful pregnancy. It happened on my first, which was so stressful to start with as I was afraid we would have problems with falling pregnant so it's important to remember that it doesn't mean it will always happen.

The third most helpful thing was going back to my doctor. At first I didn't accept it - I was hoping that it was just a late conception and that the reason they couldn't find a pregnancy in the scan was because it was still too early. I still was having the effects of the hormones and having pregnancy symptoms and I wanted to hold on to the hope that they got it wrong. Two days after I got the news I was having cramping and feeling really nauseous, so I went back to the doctor to get checked out and that gave me an opportunity to ask more questions, understand the diagnosis and figure out what to do now. I was too emotional when I first was told - I didn't hear about half of what she said, I couldn't talk, and my head filled up with questions afterwards so it really helped me to get answers when I was in a slightly more stable place. The doctors I go to are a women's practice and are very supportive and caring, so I understand this may not be useful if the GP is one of those who rush you out the door and only let you have one 'problem' per visit.

The worst thing said to me was from DH, who said 'it's ok, it was only a pregnancy, not a baby'. I was so completely gobsmacked. We only knew I was pregnant for 4 days, and it was obvious something was weird, but in wanting a baby so much I was already making plans and celebrating, while he didn't consider it 'real' yet. It was obvious in the way he told people vs. how I did (we told our mums and a couple of close friends because even if the worst happened I wanted to be able to talk about it with them) - I told people we were 'having a baby' - he told people that I'd 'had a positive pregnancy test'. I think it's so important to recognise that every pregnancy is a life, not a medical condition.

The other stupid thing people said to me was the old 'everything happens for a reason' - how does anyone EVER think that will help? In any situation of grief? Ugh! We need to get rid of that expression.

I was too busy at work to take time off and in a way it helped because I was distracted, but if anyone at work was pregnant I couldn't have faced it. The trip to and from work was terrible though - I felt like everywhere I looked I saw a pregnant woman or someone with a baby. I went and had a cry when I got to work every day this week, and same when I got home. But for the 8 hours in the office I was busy, and not thinking about it all day. I'm a wallower so it helped to be busy.

That's been the other big thing for me - letting it out. My DH thought that the best way to deal with it was to go on as normal. No way! I needed time to cry, really cry, and talk about it, and not be afraid to tell people what you need. Once I talked about it with DH and explained how I needed him to support me (not trying to 'solve' it, just listen, and give me comfort) we both got what we needed. Everyone has different needs when grieving and it helped me to share that with my loved ones.

Finally - stay off facebook. Really. If it's anything like mine it's non-stop baby pics and for now, it's horrible. The morning after I found out my friend posted pics of her twin baby girls, who I adore, and in that moment I hated them, and her, and that was a truly awful feeling because they are some of the most special people in my life and I feel like an awful person for having such nasty feelings.  I have really found these forums helpful too. It gives me room to think through and express my feelings, and share my grief while not feeling embarrassed for being a blubbering mess.

And that's my essay. I wish your friend and everyone going through this all the comfort in the world.

#14 kiwi-girl

Posted 03 February 2013 - 01:00 PM

- your not grieving just the loss of pregnancy but the liss of what might have been
- you will grieve at some level for the rest of your life, with periods of time between each grief episode
- however you feel at any given point in time is ok and normal
- that you will feel sick, annoyed, p*ssed off, angry at others pregnancy announcenents and that is ok
- your thoughts will be consumed by the mc and ttc after at times and that is normal
- people around you, even your partner, may move on or get over it quicker. Go at your own pace
- if you get pregnant again, that us a new journey and not determined by your mc. Don't be afraid to feel joy in future pregnancies
- don't rush back to work,  cancel social things if you feel the need to hide
- don't feel ashamed. Miscarriage is not a dirty word nor does it need to be a secret. It is amazing how many people have been touched by mc

Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself and grieve however you need to.

Your friend is lucky to have you

Edited by kiwi-girl, 03 February 2013 - 01:01 PM.


#15 willsmumsos

Posted 07 March 2013 - 05:27 PM

I went to see a grief counsellor yesterday in the hope that he'd help me get through tomorrow (my EDD) as well as with 'moving on' in general. He recommended the following and I thought it was amazing advice that might be useful for OP's friend and any woman experiencing the loss of a potential life.
All this advice centres around the premise that there has been no ceremony/ritual around the loss and the counsellor suggested that until you can have your belief systems involved in the process of grieving it won't really happen....
1) Buy a new candle and a holder and light the candle whilst listening to a song that is significant in some way- allow yourself to sit with the candle, music and no doubt tears for as long as needed.
2) Make a memory book/box filled with anything and everything that will help memorialise the 'bub'. For example:
-a page dedicated to the names you would have chosen for them
-hopes and dreams you had for the baby, maybe a letter to them
- pics or actual items that symbolise things from the time of the loss - perhaps a piece of clothing that was for the baby or that you were wearing, maybe a scan pic or blood test result form etc.
- photos of people that would have been important to the baby/were important to you at the time
-lyrics to songs that might be significant
-etc, etc

I'm planning on giving this a go tomorrow and DH and are having lunch just the two of us and going to buy a piece of artwork that we will dedicate to the memory of our lost baby.

I hope this info can be of help to anyone that needs it.

#16 Swahili

Posted 08 March 2013 - 09:05 PM

I have had three miscarriages and have very rarely spoken to anyone about them-maybe once or twice? Anyway, I have found that time has helped heal the pain. Very occasionally I think to myself that I would have at least one child who would be x amount of years older than my first born, but really, it does me no good to dwell on the past. My advice is to allow yourself time and space to grieve, however long that may take.


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