Jump to content

1.5 yrs later, my thoughts about my miscarriage


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 SusieBlue

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:44 AM

A close friend has just miscarried, and it has got me thinking about my miscarriage a year and a half ago and if there is anything I can tell her that might be helpful over the next few months. If you have anything to add, please do.

- The first few weeks afterwards I felt absolutely awful. I also found that I had a renewed period of grief 5 weeks later when a close friend announced a pregnancy and AF returned within a few days of each other. Now I can look back on that time as being terrible, but the strength of the emotion has thankfully died down.
- Doing something that completely occupied my mind e.g. going to the gym was helpful for dealing with the grief.
- I spoke to people about my miscarriage a lot. I found it was easier for me to be honest than to pretend that it hadn't happened. People were very understanding, and often had stories to share with me.
- I had counselling. This is not something I have told many people, because it was also related to issues in my marriage that I don't want everyone to know. I was pregnant again by the time I started counselling, so it helped me deal with my fears for my new pregnancy.
- Facebook was not very helpful. Pregnancy announcements etc. were very difficult to deal with.
- My counsellor recommended that we name our baby, write the baby a letter and then plant a plant with the letter in the soil. This was very helpful for closure, particularly for my husband. I still have the plant on my balcony (I made sure I picked something very hardy because I thought I wouldn't deal very well if the plant died!)
- I read books about others who had miscarried, and shed tears over their sad stories.

If I think of any more I will add them to the list!

#2 malibu71

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:58 AM

My miscarriage anniversary was this month - 2 years ago we lost out baby at 13 weeks.

It still hurts, we haven't been lucky enough to have a child which I think would help me.

The only other thing I would add - if she feels like it cry, just let it out, there is no point in holding it in - it doesn't necessarily make you feel better but it sometimes helps so you don't burst into tears at a less appropriate time.

Also to take as much time as you need, don't feel you have to conform to other peoples standards or beliefs this is such a personal loss that you need to do what you have to do.

#3 hanz33

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:08 AM

I had named my baby and bought a tree as some sort of 'outside' connection to the internal feelings I was feeling. I would just sit near the tree and mull over my feelings and what I was going to do next.

I was extremely lonely - It felt like nobody could understand the love that I had for this baby that I didn't have in my arms.

My sister in law was going on to have a healthy baby and that made things worse.

This forum helps allot.

Edited by Mariamsmum, 19 January 2013 - 05:55 AM.
Edited to remove signature


#4 Elippo

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:22 AM

I found I needed to talk but sometimes others weren't very good at listening (because the topic made them uncomfortable) and that I needed to realise that it wasn't a personal thing

My moods were (are) all over the place - some days I was fine and others I was quite depressed about it.

I went back to TTC straight away and then had another bout of depression when I failed to conceive that first cycle.

I would find myself getting angry over everthing and it took me a little while to realise it was because of feelings I had re the miscarriage which I hadn't dealt with.

#5 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:29 AM

I still don't talk about it.  Not even with DP.

My baby was due at Christmas.. I have had three Christmases since then and they seem to be getting more difficult alas - I could feel myself getting really tense and a bit teary as my friends were describing their children's Christmas excitement..

Like PP if I had a child I don't think it would be as big a deal though.

#6 akkiandmalli

Posted 15 January 2013 - 08:48 AM

QUOTE (SusieBlue @ 15/01/2013, 08:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A close friend has just miscarried, and it has got me thinking about my miscarriage a year and a half ago and if there is anything I can tell her that might be helpful over the next few months. If you have anything to add, please do.

- The first few weeks afterwards I felt absolutely awful. I also found that I had a renewed period of grief 5 weeks later when a close friend announced a pregnancy and AF returned within a few days of each other. Now I can look back on that time as being terrible, but the strength of the emotion has thankfully died down.
- Doing something that completely occupied my mind e.g. going to the gym was helpful for dealing with the grief.
- I spoke to people about my miscarriage a lot. I found it was easier for me to be honest than to pretend that it hadn't happened. People were very understanding, and often had stories to share with me.
- I had counselling. This is not something I have told many people, because it was also related to issues in my marriage that I don't want everyone to know. I was pregnant again by the time I started counselling, so it helped me deal with my fears for my new pregnancy.
- Facebook was not very helpful. Pregnancy announcements etc. were very difficult to deal with.
- My counsellor recommended that we name our baby, write the baby a letter and then plant a plant with the letter in the soil. This was very helpful for closure, particularly for my husband. I still have the plant on my balcony (I made sure I picked something very hardy because I thought I wouldn't deal very well if the plant died!)
- I read books about others who had miscarried, and shed tears over their sad stories.

If I think of any more I will add them to the list!


I lost my son At 18.5 weeks in oct 2011. I did everything OP that you did to get me in to a better emotional state. It was the hardest period if my life but i learnt so much about myself. My relationship with DH strengthened and we became pregnant in July 2012. We are due to have a dd in march. I honor all my children with their 13 week ultrasound with a picture on the wall. I have pictures if DS when he was born but they are confronting for some people where the ultrasound it shows I have had 4 beautiful children. I lost friends at this time as they didn't visit or take time to call in my greatest time if need.. Be there for your friend whatever way they need it.

#7 Bwok~Bwok

Posted 15 January 2013 - 10:47 AM

I got this poem from the hospital yesterday and it might help your friend - I know it did me!

A Prayer for Spring

Like springtime, let me unfold
And grow, fresh and new,
From this cocoon of grief
That has been spun around me.

Help me face the harsh reality of
Sunshine and renewed life,
As my bones still creak from
The winter of my grief
Life has dared to go on around me
And as I recover from
The insult of life's continuance,
I readjust my focus to
Include recovery and growth
As a possibility in my furture.

Give me strenght to break out of
The cocoon of my grief.

But may I never forget it as
The place where I grew my wings,
Becoming a new person
Because of my loss.

Janis Heil


#8 Fillyjonk

Posted 15 January 2013 - 01:29 PM

That is a perfect poem, bwokbwok.

I find it hard to believe it has been three years since my first miscarriage. It is still feels so raw and recent, especially having lost another baby in July. I am very lucky to have had my daughter between losses because I don't know how I would ever have broken out of the "grief cocoon" as per the poem. My love and highest respect for keeping on going to those of you who have not sad.gif

I guess if I was giving advice to your friend I would tell her that one day you will smile and even laugh again. It may not seem like it at the moment but one day life will start to feel a bit better. Also, as per the poem, she will come out of it as a different person - there will always be that heavy ball of grief and lost innocence but eventually she will be able to file it somewhere inside herself. It will always be there but not at the forefront.

Edited by with the goo goose, 15 January 2013 - 09:30 PM.


#9 honeymoon

Posted 15 January 2013 - 09:27 PM

Sadly I had a miscarriage last week, went in for the NT scan at 12w2d only to be told that there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I was booked in and had a D&C the next day.

It's such a devastating time, I've found that talking to others who've been through the same helps, just reading others stories on online support forums made me feel less alone. I bought a bracelet with an angel charm which I wear everyday and my DH has our 8 week ultrasound photo in a frame by the bed.

I think it's important to go through the emotions, I've been sobbing uncontrollably, angry to the point where I had to punch my pillow, but for the most part I'm numb and still in shock. I know time will heal but in the meantime I try to keep busy by walking, gardening, painting, whatever I can to occupy my mind. Talking to DH helps us both and has brought us closer which is a positive.

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who understands what she's going through and can help her through it. All the best x

#10 Riotproof

Posted 15 January 2013 - 09:44 PM

Talking is healing. Particularly with your partner. I think there is a common idea that they won't understand, and to a certain point that is true, but that doesn't mean they can't empathise. I think the shutting out is very hurtful and if you can't say it, you could always write it down. I sent my dh a link to a thread I have on another site about it, he never brought it up, but I know it helped him realise I wasn't being crazy.

Crying is okay. There are much worse things than crying at the sight of someone else's newborn.

Just because your family stop asking/ talking about it, doesn't mean they don't care. It does mean they don't know what to say.

It's not lineal. Don't expect to continually improve, there will be moments when you feel setback. It which new thing, each new milestone will gradually get easier.

It's okay to feel envy, it doesn't mean you are a horrible person.

Deactivating fb was the best possible thing I could do for about 6 months. L

#11 willsmumsos

Posted 17 January 2013 - 04:22 PM

This thread is a great idea. I think it's lovely that you are trying to help your friend OP.

My miscarriage was 7 months ago - I think about it every single day and still cry most weeks. I can't let it go. I haven't fallen preg again since and most likely won't which hurts so much.
I haven't done the planting a tree thing but think we should.
I have made a scrapbook page of a photo of me when i was pregnant (but didn't know it at the time the pic was taken) and i've hidden a secret journal panel in there with all my thoughts and feelings about losing bub 3.
DH is a good listener but doesn't say much.
I'm not sure why but I think I feel worse because I only knew I was pregnant for a few hours before my miscarriage began. I feel cheated. The fact that we fell accidentally pregnant when I was desperate for a 3rd child but DH was not (so we weren't TTC) makes it feel like I was robbed of my one chance at a third child.

My question is how do you live with your last pregnancy being a lost one? I'm going to go back to counselling again to try to help find an answer to that one.

People seem uncomfortable when you mention miscarriage - I think only woman who have experienced one can relate enough to care to listen to you.

Envy is awful. I hate myself for thinking negatively about people who I ordinarily would be so happy for. I can't believe how selfish I've become actually - I know my mothering of my other 2 children has suffered because of my obsession with the m/c and having another baby.

These forums are amazingly helpful. Thanks.

#12 hillplain

Posted 18 January 2013 - 01:29 PM

Wow, what a wonderful friend that you are.

I like many others here are member of this club too (twice). I am lucky to have a DH and a very good friend who will laugh, celebrate and cry with me through our journey. Whith our first loss my DH took it nearly as hard as I did. There were times that he could not be near me as he felt that how he was feeling was not emotionaly helpful to me at the time. These were the times that my friend stood in. She took me for me D&C when DH couldn't.

With my second loss DH was absolutly wonderful and stood by me they whole time.

My friend was there for me when I needed, took a back seat when I wanted to be on my own and was a great listener and cryer. I found that there were times when I needed all of this and she just understood.
I think that this is the most important.

I hope that this has helped you. I think that you are amazing reliving those no doubt hard times with your friend.

#13 TBen

Posted 03 February 2013 - 12:43 PM

I think the most important thing said to me after was that it was nothing that I did wrong, even so I was running through the list of things I did when I thought I wasn't pregnant (my bfp came late - probably after I had already miscarried according to my doctor) so I was coming up with ways to blame myself, which is not helpful.

The second thing that helped was being told that it doesn't mean I can't have a successful pregnancy. It happened on my first, which was so stressful to start with as I was afraid we would have problems with falling pregnant so it's important to remember that it doesn't mean it will always happen.

The third most helpful thing was going back to my doctor. At first I didn't accept it - I was hoping that it was just a late conception and that the reason they couldn't find a pregnancy in the scan was because it was still too early. I still was having the effects of the hormones and having pregnancy symptoms and I wanted to hold on to the hope that they got it wrong. Two days after I got the news I was having cramping and feeling really nauseous, so I went back to the doctor to get checked out and that gave me an opportunity to ask more questions, understand the diagnosis and figure out what to do now. I was too emotional when I first was told - I didn't hear about half of what she said, I couldn't talk, and my head filled up with questions afterwards so it really helped me to get answers when I was in a slightly more stable place. The doctors I go to are a women's practice and are very supportive and caring, so I understand this may not be useful if the GP is one of those who rush you out the door and only let you have one 'problem' per visit.

The worst thing said to me was from DH, who said 'it's ok, it was only a pregnancy, not a baby'. I was so completely gobsmacked. We only knew I was pregnant for 4 days, and it was obvious something was weird, but in wanting a baby so much I was already making plans and celebrating, while he didn't consider it 'real' yet. It was obvious in the way he told people vs. how I did (we told our mums and a couple of close friends because even if the worst happened I wanted to be able to talk about it with them) - I told people we were 'having a baby' - he told people that I'd 'had a positive pregnancy test'. I think it's so important to recognise that every pregnancy is a life, not a medical condition.

The other stupid thing people said to me was the old 'everything happens for a reason' - how does anyone EVER think that will help? In any situation of grief? Ugh! We need to get rid of that expression.

I was too busy at work to take time off and in a way it helped because I was distracted, but if anyone at work was pregnant I couldn't have faced it. The trip to and from work was terrible though - I felt like everywhere I looked I saw a pregnant woman or someone with a baby. I went and had a cry when I got to work every day this week, and same when I got home. But for the 8 hours in the office I was busy, and not thinking about it all day. I'm a wallower so it helped to be busy.

That's been the other big thing for me - letting it out. My DH thought that the best way to deal with it was to go on as normal. No way! I needed time to cry, really cry, and talk about it, and not be afraid to tell people what you need. Once I talked about it with DH and explained how I needed him to support me (not trying to 'solve' it, just listen, and give me comfort) we both got what we needed. Everyone has different needs when grieving and it helped me to share that with my loved ones.

Finally - stay off facebook. Really. If it's anything like mine it's non-stop baby pics and for now, it's horrible. The morning after I found out my friend posted pics of her twin baby girls, who I adore, and in that moment I hated them, and her, and that was a truly awful feeling because they are some of the most special people in my life and I feel like an awful person for having such nasty feelings.  I have really found these forums helpful too. It gives me room to think through and express my feelings, and share my grief while not feeling embarrassed for being a blubbering mess.

And that's my essay. I wish your friend and everyone going through this all the comfort in the world.

#14 kiwi-girl

Posted 03 February 2013 - 01:00 PM

- your not grieving just the loss of pregnancy but the liss of what might have been
- you will grieve at some level for the rest of your life, with periods of time between each grief episode
- however you feel at any given point in time is ok and normal
- that you will feel sick, annoyed, p*ssed off, angry at others pregnancy announcenents and that is ok
- your thoughts will be consumed by the mc and ttc after at times and that is normal
- people around you, even your partner, may move on or get over it quicker. Go at your own pace
- if you get pregnant again, that us a new journey and not determined by your mc. Don't be afraid to feel joy in future pregnancies
- don't rush back to work,  cancel social things if you feel the need to hide
- don't feel ashamed. Miscarriage is not a dirty word nor does it need to be a secret. It is amazing how many people have been touched by mc

Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself and grieve however you need to.

Your friend is lucky to have you

Edited by kiwi-girl, 03 February 2013 - 01:01 PM.


#15 willsmumsos

Posted 07 March 2013 - 05:27 PM

I went to see a grief counsellor yesterday in the hope that he'd help me get through tomorrow (my EDD) as well as with 'moving on' in general. He recommended the following and I thought it was amazing advice that might be useful for OP's friend and any woman experiencing the loss of a potential life.
All this advice centres around the premise that there has been no ceremony/ritual around the loss and the counsellor suggested that until you can have your belief systems involved in the process of grieving it won't really happen....
1) Buy a new candle and a holder and light the candle whilst listening to a song that is significant in some way- allow yourself to sit with the candle, music and no doubt tears for as long as needed.
2) Make a memory book/box filled with anything and everything that will help memorialise the 'bub'. For example:
-a page dedicated to the names you would have chosen for them
-hopes and dreams you had for the baby, maybe a letter to them
- pics or actual items that symbolise things from the time of the loss - perhaps a piece of clothing that was for the baby or that you were wearing, maybe a scan pic or blood test result form etc.
- photos of people that would have been important to the baby/were important to you at the time
-lyrics to songs that might be significant
-etc, etc

I'm planning on giving this a go tomorrow and DH and are having lunch just the two of us and going to buy a piece of artwork that we will dedicate to the memory of our lost baby.

I hope this info can be of help to anyone that needs it.

#16 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 08 March 2013 - 09:05 PM

I have had three miscarriages and have very rarely spoken to anyone about them-maybe once or twice? Anyway, I have found that time has helped heal the pain. Very occasionally I think to myself that I would have at least one child who would be x amount of years older than my first born, but really, it does me no good to dwell on the past. My advice is to allow yourself time and space to grieve, however long that may take.


1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Why I breastfed my son until he was three

The fact that I not only breastfed my son, but breastfed him for three and a half years, seems pretty incredible in retrospect.

Do babies and young children see ghosts?

Do babies and young children see ghosts? If you’ve pondered the question, you’re not alone.

15 years with Essential Baby: meet Therese

"Life has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it the most."

Mum causes a stir by taking a stand against leggings

A mum has found herself the subject of debate after claiming tight bottoms cause lustful thoughts in men.

Don't set a parenting goal for 2015 - do this instead

The problem with goal setting as a parent is the measure. How do we really know if we’re succeeding?

5 pregnancy myths that just won't go away

When you're expecting, it often seems like everyone is keen to offer advice about what you should and shouldn't do in the interests of your health and wellbeing.

RPA hospital contacting mums after discovering vaccine storage fault

Sydney's Royal Prince Alfred Hospital (RPA) is trying to contact women who had babies at the facility after discovering a fault in a refrigerator containing vaccines.

'Nutella' not a baby name, French court says

A French court has blocked parents from naming their baby girl after the hazelnut spread Nutella, arguing it would make her the target of mockery.

Why I'm never calling myself 'just a mum' again

I’ve grown three human beings. I feed them, dress them, teach them, care for them and love them 24 hours a day. Yet for eight years, when I meet new people and they’ve asked me what I do, I tell them: “I’m just a mum”.

Rosie Batty named 2015 Australian of the Year

One year ago, Rosie Batty could not have imagined she'd be where she is. Tonight the grieving mum who put domestic violence on the national agenda was named Australian of the Year.

Five reasons to hug more

Hugging – some of us thrive on it, even depend on it – and then there are those who don't care for it really. So, are they missing out?

Help - my three-year-old has started throwing tantrums

My daughter never went through the "terrible twos" but began throwing wild tantrums shortly after her third birthday.

That's commitment

First peek at Sonia Kruger's daughter Maggie

"She smells so good, I could eat her," Kruger tells co-host David Campbell.

Mum assists in own caesarean surgery

A mum who partly delivered her own twins during a caesarean has encouraged other women to take control of their birthing experience.

How to handle common childhood regressions

Regression can be a natural and common part of development prompted by a variety of factors, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

Disgruntled dad's pram ad goes viral

When buying a second hand pram, there are lots of things to take into consideration. 

Man discovers he's a dad after finding 55-year-old letter

Discovering you are about to father a baby is startling enough - never mind finding out you have a 61-year-old son.

15 thoughts mums have during a tantrum

Ranging from mild to feral and triggered by events both minor and major, tantrums certainly keep life interesting.

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Forgotten Baby Syndrome claims the life of toddler

One baby dies every eight days in the back of a car in the US, victims of 'forgotten baby syndrome'.

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel. You stole my heart, and changed me into the women I am today.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Chrissie Swan has reached her "sex quota"

Chrissie Swan says she and her partner have sex once a year due to her fear of falling pregnant.

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.