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HELP....11year old son, ATTITUDE

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#1 beka1

Posted 14 January 2013 - 07:47 PM

My 11year old son is constantly talking back, making smart remarks to everything that is said, it is driving me mad!!! Nothing we do seems to work. We have taken things away, cancelled outings and things with friends and told him what he has missed out on which he gets very upset about but not enough to fix his behavior. He will say sorry but the next day he is right back doing it again.he also says mean and hurtful things in particular to me and I know he just wants a reaction but I don't know what to do when he doesn't seem to care. Any advice or ideas on how to handle this behavior would be great.

#2 saxa

Posted 14 January 2013 - 07:52 PM

This is me but DS is 9!

The thing that seems to really help is if he does it while DH is around and DH picks him up on it.

He does it for a reaction from me and a lot of the time I try it hard not to bite, but I am really working on this at the moment and just trying to ignore it.

#3 L&E

Posted 14 January 2013 - 07:59 PM

I'm in the same boat with my 11 year old. Drives me crazy! To be honest, and I'm sure it's not in the parenting handbook, but the only thing I've found that works is the "silent but not outwardly mad" treatment when he pushes me too far. I go kind of indifferent and it bugs him more than when I lose my $hit.

Doesn't solve it forever but seems to give me a bit of respite. Other than that, pouncing on the positives works for my boy, though I'll be honest sometimes finding things to praise is like searching for needles in a haystack of attitude and crap.

#4 NunSoFeral

Posted 14 January 2013 - 08:15 PM

A friend of mine was in a similar spot and took her 10yr old to a laser tag place.
She got to nail him, they both had a gas.
Following weekend, they went and watched a soccer game.
Then the next, a movie.
He started to look forward to her company and their outings, as did she.
The attitude stopped
She felt that when the attitude was happening, they were both caught up in some sort of crap role play.
He played the 10 yr old turd and she played the nagging mother who was always reacting.

Finding something that your lad is keen on, that you can share, might be worth a shot?

Edited by gettheetoanunnery, 14 January 2013 - 08:16 PM.

#5 Lazycow

Posted 14 January 2013 - 08:27 PM

I have the exact same problem with my DS12.

As PP says I find if I don't react to his attitude and pretty much ignore him, it drives him mad.

Another thing I find works with DS is to tell him how upset I am at his behaviour and until he can talk to me properly I don't want to see or speak to him and he goes to his bedroom. Normally after half an hour or so he will come and apologise and is Ok for the rest of the day.

I also find he is worse when I am tired and he picks up on it and will push and push until I react and then turns it back on me saying "you're always shouting at me" rolleyes.gif.So now I try not to react and just ignore the behaviour and he usually gets bored and gives up.

I also agree with PP about how different he is when my partner is around, he still pushes my buttons, but he will try to get DP on his side by playing the victim and DP will tell DS he backs me 100% and if he wants respect he needs to earn it.

What really p*sses me off with him is, he will not accept responsibility for anything, it is always someone else fault. Someone else made him do it, someone else wound him up someone else....and on it goes.

Feel a bit better now  biggrin.gif

I'll be watching this with interest, hopefully pick up some tips.

#6 saxa

Posted 14 January 2013 - 09:25 PM

What really p*sses me off with him is, he will not accept responsibility for anything, it is always someone else fault. Someone else made him do it, someone else wound him up someone else....and on it goes.

Haha this is my DS also!!

God I hope he is not still doing it at 12!

#7 MyButterflyGirls

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:13 AM

QUOTE (gettheetoanunnery @ 14/01/2013, 09:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A friend of mine was in a similar spot and took her 10yr old to a laser tag place.
She got to nail him, they both had a gas.
Following weekend, they went and watched a soccer game.
Then the next, a movie.
He started to look forward to her company and their outings, as did she.
The attitude stopped
She felt that when the attitude was happening, they were both caught up in some sort of crap role play.
He played the 10 yr old turd and she played the nagging mother who was always reacting.

Finding something that your lad is keen on, that you can share, might be worth a shot?

I think this is great advice!

Does your son feel he is getting enough positive attention? Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Good luck - it's a tough age.

#8 beka1

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:57 AM

Thanks for your comments, it is good to know that other people have the same problems. My son also won't accept any responsibility, it is always everyone else's fault. Maybe more one on one time might help but in general it seems when we do nice things for him he just expects more and more instead of just being grateful for what he got.

#9 jazzcait

Posted 27 February 2013 - 08:52 PM

My DS is nearly 10 and I get attitude, talked back and smart remarks back as well, it really stresses me out!

#10 ky*cal

Posted 12 May 2013 - 12:35 AM

My DS 9 is just like all these comments too. Attitude, disrespectful, no responsibility, lazy, thinks hes hard done by and just like beka1 said, when we do nice things for him he is so ungrateful and expects it all the time. Been reading past comments hoping someone had some handy tips I could put to good use, but seems no one knows how best to deal with pre teen behavior  sad.gif

#11 xx1stxx

Posted 13 May 2013 - 12:57 PM

My DSS started with the attitude at about 9, he is nearly 19 now the attitude has slowed a little....still refuses to take any sort of responsibility though.  Worse I found was between 13 - 16....hang in there, but unfortunately its going to get worse before it gets better.  This has been the same for all of my friends teenagers also.

#12 kim11

Posted 20 May 2013 - 02:45 PM

I was coming in here looking for something on this. My DS is 8 and sounds very similar to the rest of boys here. I am hoping it will change. He can be lovely at times but gets grumpy about lots of things. His big issues are getting dressed in the morning and being told to go get ready for school. He also doesn't like being reminded to lift the lid, flush the toilet and wash his hands- but he never does it. It's more that he gets grumpy about doing it and whines and says"I am sick of flushing the toilet"  or "I am sick of getting dress" I informed him these are things that need to be done, no negotiation.

I think I will try to spend some special time with him but stick to strict rules with consequences. He works well with consequences as long as he knows why they are done.

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