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My Sister stole the name I have had my heart set on for my first female child...

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#1 ashlie369

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:31 PM

    Am I a horribly selfish person for being upset that my sister stole the name I have had my heart set on for over 6 years?
I have been planning on naming my first girl child Lillianna for over 6 years, I can't even begin to describe how much I love this name and this is the only name that I have found that I love all the nick names that come with the name, and its so perfect for my child because my favorite flowers have always been lilies.
When my sister first got married the one thing I asked/begged of her was that whatever she did to please not steal that name if she got pregnant before I did, then when we found out she was pregnant I said the same thing to both her and her husband. Though, of course in the end she decided that she’s going to name the child Lillian Raeann. When she first started talking about using the name Lillian we had one small disagreement in which I begged her again to not use the name, I never even raised my voice during the whole discussion but since then she has blown that whole thing out of the water and now says we were arguing etc.

    Then last night we went to the grocery store together with  our mother and I was being quiet, I wasn’t being p*ssy or anything I just  really didn’t really feel like talking, which is normal for me I am not a  talkative person, but of course her overly sensitive self decided I was being  b**chy, and when my mom asked her how she was going to spell her child’s middle  name, she spelled it for her then said, in the sh*ttiest tone you can imagine, something like “Is that why Ashlie’s  acting like that because she wanted Raeann for her child’s middle name as  well?” ( I’m not sure I got every word in the right spot but that’s pretty accurate)  I was actually very proud of myself I stopped myself from telling her that,  that is the stupidest name I have ever heard of and I despise it and I would  never be caught dead naming my child that.   Sorry to any Raeanns’ out there its not that bad of a name, but its not a name I would choose and the way she said it was very sh*tty and that was my  automatic response.

    Even though I was going to add an extra NA to her name she  still took the name I was planning on naming my first girl, and I am hurt  because I have continuously begged her over the years not to use that name and  the few times I have tried to talk to my mother about it she has freaked out on  me and basically told me I am being selfish and I can still name my first girl  Lillianna because they aren’t the same name, etc., etc. Of course I CANT name  my first girl Lillianna it is the same name just with an extra NA at the end,  and Lillian was what I wanted her main nick name to be. So how in the heck  could I give my child her cousins name?

I have already made myself deal with losing the name but I  would like to at least be able to vent at least once about how my  sister doing that hurt my feelings but every time I try to talk to my mom she  has made me feel like a horrible person for being upset about it, so my  question is am I really such a horrible person for being upset about this? And  why the heck does my mom insist that I can still use the name? What would you  do if you were in this situation? How many of you would still use the same  name?       
To answer some of your questions, My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, my sister is almost 7 months along with a girl. She wanted to name her Kaitlynn Ann at first in honnor of our youngest sister who died while being born and our mother and me who both have the middle name ann(e), but her husband didnt like that name and talked her back into using Lillian. For the record I have not made a fuss about it I talked to her that once about it when she was 2 months along and havent said anything else to her on the subject, she was the one who said something about it last night out of the blue. I love her to much to hate her or hold a grudge I am just hurt especially with her saying sh*tty things to me.

Edited by ashlie369, 14 January 2013 - 06:50 PM.

#2 Starrydawn

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:39 PM

Tough one in that no one owns a name. Are you pregnant or Ttc? Or us it still just a futuristic thing? Have you outright asked your sister why she chose that name? What has her answer been previously when you asked to just not use it?

Myself personally think there are millions of names out there and I would find another.

#3 Kickingitcountry

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:40 PM

I would still use the name but I'm like that happy.gif your sister sounds like the type of person who will chuck a fit when you do I'm sure she won't like it when the shoe is on the other foot rolleyes.gif . Don't stress your future partner might not like said name anyway so you might not be able to use it

Edited by Kickingitcountry, 14 January 2013 - 04:42 PM.


Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:40 PM

I don't see why you can't use the name. They would be cousins, not sisters. It may even become a lovely connection between them.

#5 crackles

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:42 PM

It happens. If I were u I wouldn't have said anything in the first place about the name then they probably wouldn't have ever thought of it. And if they happened to fluke on it it's not their fault.

U can still use u're name for ur girl if u have one otherwise just name her something else. Nothing else u can do really

#6 PrincessPeach

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:43 PM

My BIL has the exact same name as one of his cousins, so I'd still use it.

#7 protart roflcoptor

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:45 PM

So she stole it from you, which must mean you owned it. How much did it cost you, you could ask her to pay it back?


#8 tel2

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:45 PM

i know how you feel. My DH cousin who lives half way across the world (who I never met) named his little girl the name I was planning for my second child. My second child turned out to be a boy so i got over it pretty quickly, but before finding out I was having a boy, I was upset about the name thing. I've never met this cousin so I know he didn't do it on purpose, it was just coincidence.

Name you first born whatever name you like. On my stepdad's big side of the family I had about 4 cousins named Joe...(joe was my stepdad's fathers name). We all had nicknames for them....big joe, little joe etc...to tell them apart.

Another thing you can do is use the name Lillianna as a middle name instead of a first name.

#9 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:46 PM

Has she had the child? Have they found out that it's a girl?

Let her use it, you can still use Liliiana.

Although no one owns a name, I still think it can be poor form to name a child a name that someone close to you, desperately wants to use. Of course it depends on the circumstances though.

I think your feelings are valid but you need to somehow find peace and move on.

#10 la di dah

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:46 PM

You can use the name if you want. It all depends what you are comfortable with. I'm cool with matching initials or similar sounds, with cousins.

I think everyone's allowed one vent.

I think your mom is probably just trying to say it's a bit late. You can't un-name a born baby, even if your sister IS rude and annoying. You can only decide how you feel about Lillianna going forward.

I think you could probably irritate your sister more by just losing interest in it, really. ("I did like it...for awhile... it was very on trend...") But you can't control how you feel.

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:51 PM

Also my brother and cousin have the same name. In fact most of the people on my Italian side have the same three names used over and over again.

#12 HRH Countrymel

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:51 PM

Hang on... so your sister hasn't actually had the baby yet?

So you two are fighting about her hypothetically stealing the name you hypothetically were going to use for your hypothetical future child?

Chill sweetheart - it's all ok..

Your sister may not even use it.

And if she does? It doesn't stop you from using it as well?

Small deal. No problem. Relax.

And in future (this applies to everyone) DON'T TELL PEOPLE NAMES YOU WANT TO USE!

#13 libbylu

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:53 PM

It is tough, but I would never mention a name I planned to use to anyone who might have a baby before me, as the very fact that it is so desirable to you has probably made it more desirable to your sister.  If you had never mentioned it, you may well not be in this situation.

Also, as the soon to be mother of son number two, like me, you may never have a daughter, so I think it is really hard to have dibs on a name when your child is only hypothetical.

Also, if down the track you do become pregnant with a daughter and you still like the name, then use it anyway.  One of my close friends has a sister and two cousins called Maria - it's a cultural thing in part, but it's not an issue for any of them!

It doesn't sound like your sister is being very mature or understanding though - of course you are disappointed after going to the effort of asking her not to use it and she disregarding you- but then, sadly, many people in life are not very mature or understanding.
I would just try to forget about the whole thing and get on with life.

#14 2littledarlings

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:54 PM

I would be devastated if my sister did that. I would still use the name, they will have different circles of friends etc.

Use the name you love when your time comes!

#15 epl0822

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:54 PM

I don't think anybody owns a name. A lot of families have named sons after their father and so on so it is no big deal for for cousins to have similar or even the same name. There might be other ways (through surnames, nicknames, etc) to distinguish between the two girls.

#16 SisterMaryElephant

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:56 PM

Firstly, she may have a boy, choose another name at the last minute, etc  She also just could be teasing you or playing a joke on you with no intention of using the names.

If your sister uses the name, simple answer: pick another name.

Edited by CleverChook, 14 January 2013 - 04:57 PM.

#17 jill1972

Posted 14 January 2013 - 04:59 PM

I think most eb'ers with tell you to get over & that your sister can do whatever she wants.  But I would be upset.  She's your sister, that's a different relationship to friendship.  I wouldn't do that to my sister no matter how much I loved the name.  You obviously had your heart set on it & she would've known, that's mean.


#18 Soontobegran

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:01 PM

I think there are too many 'what ifs' happening here to stress about it just yet.
She may change her mind, she may have boys....that being said it wouldn't stop me from using the name, it is different to the one she has chosen.

#19 ShamelesslyPooks

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:01 PM

Tell her to go for it, it won't change your choice at all.

#20 Heather11

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:05 PM

Do you currently have a DP/DH OP?

Your DP may not like the name.  It may not fit with the surname, you may find another name you like better, or you may never have a girl.

I have a brother and cousin with the same name.  No issues growing up.

I personally wouldn't of told her what name I was hoping to use.  She probably wouldn't have even thought of it if you hadn't of mentioned it.

#21 YandiGirl

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:07 PM

I had always wanted to call my daughter Sara. My ex's aunt was pregnant at the same time as I was and laid claim to the name, apparently she had always wanted to use the name also. She ended up having two boys and no girls. And I ended up with Caitlin which although I like the name and it suits her, I would have preferred to sue Sara.

You never know what the future will bring. Use whatever name you are happy with, as should your sister.

#22 Kay1

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:09 PM

Don't lose a sister over this. You might have all boys like I did!

I'd just let it go and if the situation does arise use it anyway.

#23 FeralFP

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:10 PM

I'm going to go against the grain and think what your sister is doing is really quite mean. You obviously desperately want to use that name, have wanted to for a long time and she has known the whole time. The first time you told her how much it meant to you, she should have crossed it off her mental list.

I do think you need to let it go and move on though. No good will come from holding a grudge and being bitter about it. Sh*t happens unfortunately.

On the question of would I still use it? Depends on how close the cousins would be.

Eg me and DH's immediate familes hang out at least once a week, so no I would not use a name already used by our brothers or sisters. My brother had the same name as our cousin and they were referred to as"Big Ben" and "Little Ben" for a long time which I wouldn't like.

If you only see your sister once in a while mostly on special occasions then I would think of using the same name since you are so in love with it.

Edited by JBaby, 14 January 2013 - 05:16 PM.

#24 fifi-trixibelle

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:15 PM

How do you know she hasn't always planned to name her child Lillian? Just because she hasn't told people don't steal my name etc doesn't mean she could never have names in mind in her head.

If they have a girl before you do and name her Lillian just choose another name and get over it.

#25 Ingrid the Swan

Posted 14 January 2013 - 05:17 PM

I'm sorry this has happened OP, it is a completely valid vent IMO.

I don't agree with the sentiment that "nobody owns a name" and also the implication that, just because some people are cool with cousins sharing a name, that everyone must be cool with it. I don't think that just because you have the "right" to do something, it absolves you of the consequences for doing so - and in this situation the OP's sister knew that the OP would be very upset and hurt if she used a specific baby name, and she exercised her "right" to do so regardless, without discussion and in a way that (from the admittedly one-sided OP) sounds to have been done rudely rather than with rational discussion.

Personally, I don't think the "suck it up, she got in first" mentality helps the OP at all.

As for what you can do OP, it depends on whether you want to salvage the relationship with your sister. Leave the question of whether you feel you can or can't use the name until you are pregnant and discussing names - things may change between now and then, including your feeling on the name as well as whether there are other cousins between your sister's DD and your children. If you want to continue the relationship then I would recommend having a rational discussion in which you try and negotiate a truce - in that you will be gracious and not go on about how she stole the name but that she curbs her snide remarks about it.

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