Jump to content

I can't tell DP - OP UPDATE
and it's killing me

  • Please log in to reply
94 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_divineM_*

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:27 PM

Over the last few days a secret has been revealed within my family of origin which has been pretty devastating to all. I have been asked not to tell this to anyone outside our family ie not even my DP.  We always tell each other everything! This revelation ahs been horrible for me and i have found it hard to hide this from him. he keeps asking me questions about whether i'm ok etc. at times I feel like I'm going to burst out crying but obviously can't without alarming him. Really struggling with this at the moment. Can't discuss it with anyone except two other family memebrs who are equally upset, but I don't wantt o go against my word. What would you do?

Thanks all for replying. Good to hear all the different perspectives. After reading it all and thinking some more I have decided not to tell DH. This is because it's something he does not need to know, I'm now coping better and it will not affect our marriage. If he was to find out eventually, as some PP suggested, he will not hold it against me. I would also hate to think that every time I tell someone something it automatically means their DP finds out...Thanks again

Edited by divineM, 18 January 2013 - 09:11 AM.

#2 TillyTake2

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:29 PM

My husband is my family so he gets rights to anything I want to tell him.

#3 Two-one-two

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:30 PM

Your husband is your immediate and closest family ..... what would you want him to do in the same circumstance??

#4 Freddie'sMum

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:31 PM

I'd go back to the people who have asked you NOT to tell your DP - say that is affecting your relationship with him - you don't keep secrets from each other and you are going to tell DP.

Then tell DP.

I couldn't stand it if there was a secret (of that much importance) between DH & I.

#5 Apageintime

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:31 PM

QUOTE (TillyTake2 @ 14/01/2013, 03:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My husband is my family so he gets rights to anything I want to tell him.

same here, DH and I dont do 'big' secrets.

#6 Ranunculus

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:31 PM

I would tell my husband.

I'm not sure if that's the right or wrong thing to do, but it sounds like you need support.

#7 I*Love*Christmas

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:32 PM

My DH is my family so I would tell him. By the sounds of your post this secret is huge in which case it will probably be revealed over time and your DP will end up finding out. You are better off telling him now.

#8 PrincessPeach

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:34 PM

I'd tell my DH.

We discuss everything & I have been told a lot of things I'm not supposed to know. My DH is great at keeping things to himself & not telling all & sundry, plus he is my sounding board.

If it is that bad that it is upsetting, then he needs to know, simply so he can support you through this difficult time.

#9 darcswan

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

If a friend/family member had asked me to keep a secret I would... Unless it somehow directly affected or involved me.

It sounds like this is something that will have an effect on your life, so I think you should just tell your partner.

#10 elegie

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

I agree, you need to tell him. Whether you ask him to pretend he doesn't know, or go back and tell the rest of your family that you will/have told him, is up to you.

#11 mel43

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

I'd never agree to keep it a secret from my husband in the first place.

#12 Funwith3

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:36 PM

Tell your husband and ask him to pretend he knows nothing if and when it ever comes out. No one should ever expect you to keep secrets from him.

#13 Tesseract

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:38 PM

I'm happy to keep other people's secrets from DH. Unless it's affecting me or our relationship, in which case I tell him. He's my volt.

You're obviously devastated about what it is, you have the right to tell your significant other so that he can support you. Asking you to carry it on your own and hide it from him (ie lie when he asks what's the matter) is too much to ask. You trust him, so should they.

#14 eigne

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:40 PM

I would tell. I know I can trust my dp and it won't go any further and in addition I would be relying on his support.

#15 vanessa71

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:46 PM

I'd tell DH, I don't keep things of importance from him.

#16 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:47 PM

QUOTE (Freddie'sMum @ 14/01/2013, 02:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd go back to the people who have asked you NOT to tell your DP - say that is affecting your relationship with him - you don't keep secrets from each other and you are going to tell DP.

Then tell DP.

I couldn't stand it if there was a secret (of that much importance) between DH & I.

This.  If it is truly eating you up inside, I'd tell your DP.  He's your support, he'll have your back.

BUT I would tell the others first that's what you are planning to do.

If your DP knows, what's going to happen?  What is the justification for why husbands/wives can't be told?  Is it for their safety or benefit? Or to simply save face because there is shame/humiliation/disgrace in the secret?

It kinda would help to have some idea of what the secret is.  If it's concerning a crime (ie. murder), then I can understand the ban on telling people.  But if it's simply someone has screwed up big time (eg. illegitimate kid), then maybe it's not such a big deal if your husband knows.

#17 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:50 PM

QUOTE (Freddie'sMum @ 14/01/2013, 01:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd go back to the people who have asked you NOT to tell your DP - say that is affecting your relationship with him - you don't keep secrets from each other and you are going to tell DP.

Then tell DP.

Yep, this. Or if it is really important that DH not know what the secret is I would at least explain to your DH, you have just found something out that is upsetting you, but that you arent able to tell him because it is not your secret to tell.

I know that sounds mean (like a child's "I have a secret but I'm not telling!"), but I know my DH would want me to handle it that way, rather than him feel like something is wrong but me telling him everything is fine. Obviously your DH can tell that there is something and you might freak him out more by telling him there is nothing.

#18 EsmeLennox

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

This is obviously not an innocuous secret or even a secret that you are keeping for someone that is not impacting directly on you. Clearly it is a massive deal, I would tell my husband because I would need his support and I don't keep huge secrets from him, especially secrets that are clearly having a devastating impact on me. I would not have agreed to the 'condition' of not telling my DH in the first place.

There's two ways to approach it, either tell your DP and ask him to not let on that he knows,or tell the other people involved that you cannot keep it from your DP because of the impact it is having on you.

Edited by Jemstar, 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM.

#19 Guest_divineM_*

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

it's nothing like a murder or anything illegal. it's just that it would bring humuliation to those who asked me not to tell. I think I agree with Madame Catty rather than with other posters so feel I can't bertray their confidence. It's not something DP needs to know.

#20 MrsLexiK

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

I would tell my DH and when he was my DP I would have told him too.  This is not just something about somewhere else, this is about you - it is your secrete to tell as well.

#21 FeralFerretOfDoom

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM

I don't think it's fair to ask someone to hide something from their partner or primary support person if it is something that can reasonably be expected to cause them a fair amount of angst.

Eg1 - friend tells me she had an affair with someone, that's her secret and I have no business sharing it
Eg2 - friend tells me she had an affair with my father, well that has a direct effect on my emotional well-being, so I don't think it's fair to tell me I can't tell my husband and get his support.

I don't think anyone has the right to expect you to keep a secret at the expense of your well-being.

If keeping it from your DH is really non-negotiable, then please go and see a counsellor or someone that you can spill your guts to. You obviously need to talk to someone.

Edited by WootFerretOfDoom, 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM.

#22 opethmum

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM

I never keep secrets from my DH it is a bad thing to do. It sounds like you need his support in this matter. My DH and I are volts to each other and we offer unconditional support to another and don't share to all and sundry.

#23 Feral_Pooks

Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:00 PM

OP I'm really sorry you are feeling so upset and don't feel you can talk to your DP. Do you really think that telling your DP, and only your DP, will cause a lot of pain for the people involved? Because if not, I think your need for support is very understandable and worth a little discomfort on the part of others.

I agree with others, talk again to the people you promised and explain you are upset and want to be able to talk it over with your DP, and no one else.

#24 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:00 PM

QUOTE (divineM @ 14/01/2013, 02:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
it's nothing like a murder or anything illegal. it's just that it would bring humuliation to those who asked me not to tell. I think I agree with Madame Catty rather than with other posters so feel I can't bertray their confidence. It's not something DP needs to know.

Humiliation?  Why do you even know about it?  Why did you need to know?  (Or why did someone think/believe you should know about this dirty little secret?

As you say, if it's not something your DO needs to know, then suck it and put it behind you.  Don't dwell on it and try not to think/worry about it.

And next time, stop someone before they unload their dirty secrets on you.  Because whatever it is, it is likely to affect you and correspondingly, it will likely to have some impact on how you relate to DP.  If you don't want to forced into a position that you have to lie or avoid your DP, then you don't need to know the secret.

#25 slvhwke

Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:03 PM

If you are not able to tell him perhaps you can talk to him within the confines of what you can say.

E.g. I have gotten some family information which has rocked me to the core.  I wish I could talk to you but I cannot betray their trust in me.  I'm not ok but you can help me by just being here for me without needing to know.

I don't think you can keep pretending that nothing it wrong to him.  Would he accept not knowing the secret but knowing there is one?

1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users


Kourtney Kardashian goes nude for art

We've all done some pretty radical things after a big break-up, but Kourtney Kardashian has gone one better.

Video shows babies 'singing' to music in the womb

A new study has shown that babies may actually be able to hear from as early as 16 weeks – 10 weeks earlier than was commonly thought.

Prevent pelvic pain with pre-pregnancy exercise: study

Women who want to stave off aches and pains in pregnancy should exercise regularly before they conceive, experts say.

Dad's hilarious blog about life with twins

A stand-up comedian in the UK has plenty of new material since becoming a dad to twin boys.

Dinosaur products for babies and toddlers

Dinosaurs are one of those classic childhood crazes. We've put together a host of products for dinosaur-mad parents, babies and toddlers.

Restaurant manager sticks up for noisy baby

A mum was left upset by a note from neighbouring diners saying her screaming baby had ruined their dinner.

His name is Cayden: Mum and social media hit back after racist Facebook attack

When a man posted a selfie with a co-worker's son to Facebook, it became a magnet for racist comments.

The Chinese tradition for new mums that can now cost $37,000 a month

Opulent rest time is becoming the gold standard in postpartum recovery, inspired by a Chinese confinement custom known as "sitting the month".

How the media can shape our decisions when it comes to labour

We all like to think that we make our choices in fair, reasoned and well-thought out ways. Not many of us would admit that we allowed the media to influence us in our life choices.

Mum told to express in pet relief area at airport

A woman who flew from Boston to Washington says staff with United Airlines at Washington's Dulles Airport suggested she pump her breast milk in the pet-relief area.

Heartbreak as mum dies and her baby chokes to death

An Australian woman living in the US collapsed and died while feeding her baby, who then choked to death on his food. 

The hidden mental health illness of anxiety

Anxiety took over Robyn Read's life to such an extent she could not even buy the groceries and felt suicidal.

Two children fall from second storey window

Two young boys have been rushed to hospital after falling out a second-storey window of a home in Eastwood.

Mum gives birth to India's heaviest baby

An Indian woman has given birth to a baby boy weighing a whopping 5.97kg, setting a new record for the country's heaviest baby.

Grandma surprised with brand new granddaughter

Finding out you’re going to be a grandmother can be a very emotional moment. Finding out that you’re a grandmother and the baby is already here is just out of this world.

Saltwater Sandals for babies and toddlers

Many mamas are wearing Saltwater Sandals - why not buy them for your babies and toddlers too?

How to spring clean your body and mind

Whether you're pregnant, already a mum, or are just trying to be a bit more healthy, there are ways to use the rejuvenating season to give yourself a boost.


What's hot on EB

Stella McCartney honours mum with lacy bra

Fashion designer Stella McCartney has honoured her late mum, Linda McCartney, by designing a special bra for post-mastectomy patients.

Don't panic: A granddad midwife's guide for dads-to-be

Mark Harris has helped deliver 500 babies. And he's now telling fathers what to expect.

How to be a calm parent when you're feeling anything but

Being a calm parent takes a lot of work, sometimes more than is obvious to those around us.

The joy and isolation of being a stay-at-home dad

It's cool, kind of like a second childhood. I love him to bits and think, on average, I'm an okay dad. But I also want to talk about the other stuff.

How baby Teddy's short life is helping save thousands of lives

He may have only lived for 100 minutes, but that didn't stop baby Teddy from saving the lives of others.

A heartbreaking trail of missed chances in death of baby forgotten in car

A haunting reminder to stay mindful about babies in cars, especially as we approach summer.

What to do if your baby has tongue-tie

Tongue-tie can cause feeding problems. However once it is diagnosed, the condition can be easily treated.

How to move house without losing your mind

Some people move frequently, while others like to stay put. But everyone finds it stressful.

'She had nowhere to go': how new mum's life began to unravel

The birth of her first child should have been happiest of times for Campsie mother Phuong Cao, but friends say it marked the beginning of when her life began to unravel. 

Women giving birth to a son keep some of his Y chromosomes

It was an experiment doomed to failure - they were looking for male cells in female bodies. And their search was stunningly successful.

Photos: How babies fit in the womb

A gorgeous photo series shows babies in the first hours after their birth - as they were positioned in the womb.

Baby tries to persuade stubborn bulldog to walk, fails

We don't know what he's saying, but this baby has a very clear message for his bulldog pal: let's walk - NOW.

The best toddler gift ever? Nine gender-neutral play kitchen picks

Without a doubt, one of the best gifts for a toddler turning two or three is a play kitchen.

9 easy steps to improve your baby photography

With a few simple tips you can take your images from random happy snaps to lovely clean images that create beautiful lasting memories.



Can't decide?

Check out the Essential Baby Names section for some inspiration

Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.