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I can't tell DP - OP UPDATE
and it's killing me

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#1 Guest_divineM_*

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:27 PM

Over the last few days a secret has been revealed within my family of origin which has been pretty devastating to all. I have been asked not to tell this to anyone outside our family ie not even my DP.  We always tell each other everything! This revelation ahs been horrible for me and i have found it hard to hide this from him. he keeps asking me questions about whether i'm ok etc. at times I feel like I'm going to burst out crying but obviously can't without alarming him. Really struggling with this at the moment. Can't discuss it with anyone except two other family memebrs who are equally upset, but I don't wantt o go against my word. What would you do?

Thanks all for replying. Good to hear all the different perspectives. After reading it all and thinking some more I have decided not to tell DH. This is because it's something he does not need to know, I'm now coping better and it will not affect our marriage. If he was to find out eventually, as some PP suggested, he will not hold it against me. I would also hate to think that every time I tell someone something it automatically means their DP finds out...Thanks again

Edited by divineM, 18 January 2013 - 09:11 AM.

#2 TillyTake2

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:29 PM

My husband is my family so he gets rights to anything I want to tell him.

#3 Two-one-two

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:30 PM

Your husband is your immediate and closest family ..... what would you want him to do in the same circumstance??

#4 Freddie'sMum

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:31 PM

I'd go back to the people who have asked you NOT to tell your DP - say that is affecting your relationship with him - you don't keep secrets from each other and you are going to tell DP.

Then tell DP.

I couldn't stand it if there was a secret (of that much importance) between DH & I.

#5 Apageintime

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:31 PM

QUOTE (TillyTake2 @ 14/01/2013, 03:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My husband is my family so he gets rights to anything I want to tell him.

same here, DH and I dont do 'big' secrets.

#6 Ranunculus

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:31 PM

I would tell my husband.

I'm not sure if that's the right or wrong thing to do, but it sounds like you need support.

#7 I*Love*Christmas

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:32 PM

My DH is my family so I would tell him. By the sounds of your post this secret is huge in which case it will probably be revealed over time and your DP will end up finding out. You are better off telling him now.

#8 PrincessPeach

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:34 PM

I'd tell my DH.

We discuss everything & I have been told a lot of things I'm not supposed to know. My DH is great at keeping things to himself & not telling all & sundry, plus he is my sounding board.

If it is that bad that it is upsetting, then he needs to know, simply so he can support you through this difficult time.

#9 darcswan

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

If a friend/family member had asked me to keep a secret I would... Unless it somehow directly affected or involved me.

It sounds like this is something that will have an effect on your life, so I think you should just tell your partner.

#10 elegie

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

I agree, you need to tell him. Whether you ask him to pretend he doesn't know, or go back and tell the rest of your family that you will/have told him, is up to you.

#11 mel43

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

I'd never agree to keep it a secret from my husband in the first place.

#12 Funwith3

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:36 PM

Tell your husband and ask him to pretend he knows nothing if and when it ever comes out. No one should ever expect you to keep secrets from him.

#13 Tesseract

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:38 PM

I'm happy to keep other people's secrets from DH. Unless it's affecting me or our relationship, in which case I tell him. He's my volt.

You're obviously devastated about what it is, you have the right to tell your significant other so that he can support you. Asking you to carry it on your own and hide it from him (ie lie when he asks what's the matter) is too much to ask. You trust him, so should they.

#14 eigne

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:40 PM

I would tell. I know I can trust my dp and it won't go any further and in addition I would be relying on his support.

#15 vanessa71

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:46 PM

I'd tell DH, I don't keep things of importance from him.

#16 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:47 PM

QUOTE (Freddie'sMum @ 14/01/2013, 02:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd go back to the people who have asked you NOT to tell your DP - say that is affecting your relationship with him - you don't keep secrets from each other and you are going to tell DP.

Then tell DP.

I couldn't stand it if there was a secret (of that much importance) between DH & I.

This.  If it is truly eating you up inside, I'd tell your DP.  He's your support, he'll have your back.

BUT I would tell the others first that's what you are planning to do.

If your DP knows, what's going to happen?  What is the justification for why husbands/wives can't be told?  Is it for their safety or benefit? Or to simply save face because there is shame/humiliation/disgrace in the secret?

It kinda would help to have some idea of what the secret is.  If it's concerning a crime (ie. murder), then I can understand the ban on telling people.  But if it's simply someone has screwed up big time (eg. illegitimate kid), then maybe it's not such a big deal if your husband knows.

#17 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:50 PM

QUOTE (Freddie'sMum @ 14/01/2013, 01:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'd go back to the people who have asked you NOT to tell your DP - say that is affecting your relationship with him - you don't keep secrets from each other and you are going to tell DP.

Then tell DP.

Yep, this. Or if it is really important that DH not know what the secret is I would at least explain to your DH, you have just found something out that is upsetting you, but that you arent able to tell him because it is not your secret to tell.

I know that sounds mean (like a child's "I have a secret but I'm not telling!"), but I know my DH would want me to handle it that way, rather than him feel like something is wrong but me telling him everything is fine. Obviously your DH can tell that there is something and you might freak him out more by telling him there is nothing.

#18 EsmeLennox

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

This is obviously not an innocuous secret or even a secret that you are keeping for someone that is not impacting directly on you. Clearly it is a massive deal, I would tell my husband because I would need his support and I don't keep huge secrets from him, especially secrets that are clearly having a devastating impact on me. I would not have agreed to the 'condition' of not telling my DH in the first place.

There's two ways to approach it, either tell your DP and ask him to not let on that he knows,or tell the other people involved that you cannot keep it from your DP because of the impact it is having on you.

Edited by Jemstar, 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM.

#19 Guest_divineM_*

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

it's nothing like a murder or anything illegal. it's just that it would bring humuliation to those who asked me not to tell. I think I agree with Madame Catty rather than with other posters so feel I can't bertray their confidence. It's not something DP needs to know.

#20 MrsLexiK

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

I would tell my DH and when he was my DP I would have told him too.  This is not just something about somewhere else, this is about you - it is your secrete to tell as well.

#21 FeralFerretOfDoom

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM

I don't think it's fair to ask someone to hide something from their partner or primary support person if it is something that can reasonably be expected to cause them a fair amount of angst.

Eg1 - friend tells me she had an affair with someone, that's her secret and I have no business sharing it
Eg2 - friend tells me she had an affair with my father, well that has a direct effect on my emotional well-being, so I don't think it's fair to tell me I can't tell my husband and get his support.

I don't think anyone has the right to expect you to keep a secret at the expense of your well-being.

If keeping it from your DH is really non-negotiable, then please go and see a counsellor or someone that you can spill your guts to. You obviously need to talk to someone.

Edited by WootFerretOfDoom, 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM.

#22 opethmum

Posted 14 January 2013 - 02:54 PM

I never keep secrets from my DH it is a bad thing to do. It sounds like you need his support in this matter. My DH and I are volts to each other and we offer unconditional support to another and don't share to all and sundry.

#23 SuboptimallyPooks

Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:00 PM

OP I'm really sorry you are feeling so upset and don't feel you can talk to your DP. Do you really think that telling your DP, and only your DP, will cause a lot of pain for the people involved? Because if not, I think your need for support is very understandable and worth a little discomfort on the part of others.

I agree with others, talk again to the people you promised and explain you are upset and want to be able to talk it over with your DP, and no one else.

#24 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:00 PM

QUOTE (divineM @ 14/01/2013, 02:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
it's nothing like a murder or anything illegal. it's just that it would bring humuliation to those who asked me not to tell. I think I agree with Madame Catty rather than with other posters so feel I can't bertray their confidence. It's not something DP needs to know.

Humiliation?  Why do you even know about it?  Why did you need to know?  (Or why did someone think/believe you should know about this dirty little secret?

As you say, if it's not something your DO needs to know, then suck it and put it behind you.  Don't dwell on it and try not to think/worry about it.

And next time, stop someone before they unload their dirty secrets on you.  Because whatever it is, it is likely to affect you and correspondingly, it will likely to have some impact on how you relate to DP.  If you don't want to forced into a position that you have to lie or avoid your DP, then you don't need to know the secret.

#25 slvhwke

Posted 14 January 2013 - 03:03 PM

If you are not able to tell him perhaps you can talk to him within the confines of what you can say.

E.g. I have gotten some family information which has rocked me to the core.  I wish I could talk to you but I cannot betray their trust in me.  I'm not ok but you can help me by just being here for me without needing to know.

I don't think you can keep pretending that nothing it wrong to him.  Would he accept not knowing the secret but knowing there is one?

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